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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
D0G · 05/04/2011 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 05/04/2011 20:46

I don't agree that marriage is a religious thing. We are atheists and had a civil ceremony. To us, it was a promise to each other that we invited our friends and family to share in and witness, and something that it meant a lot to us to do.

nzshar · 05/04/2011 20:47

Been a wife and feel far more committed to DP than I ever was to EXH. DP and I have a ds and feel that having a child is far more of a commitment than a piece of paper. Even if we were to break up we will be bound forever via ds.

We have been together 10 years now and though marriage is not out of the question think its all a matter of timing and money. Last time had no one from my family, this time either we do it in New Zealand or we have enough money to have at least my mum there (not going to happen anytime soon).

We are covered n regards to wills etc so no probs there. Mabe in our retirement Grin

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 20:47

Oh me too Dog. Fancy that!

seeker · 05/04/2011 20:49

Hmm - well I'm nearly 30 years second rate - and our relationship has outlasted all - and I mean all - of our friends'. Put that in your mid Victorian pipe and smoke it, alemci.

greenbananas · 05/04/2011 20:51

alemci - a little bit of me sort of agrees with you, but I don't feel it's my right to judge people.

I am 'religious', but I don't think God is upset if we don't have £s to spend on a 'proper' church wedding. I think God sees the "secret marriage vow" between two people, whether or not they go through the ceremony of actually getting married. The whole marriage thing is mostly about society's expectations. A white dress, a big do, millions of flowers and all that gubbins does not really reflect how committed two people are to one another.

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 20:52

Another one here ,with a second rate 30 year committed relationship

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 05/04/2011 20:53

If it is just a piece of paper though, and that's all it is, and it doesn't mean anything, but confers legal benefits on you - why not just do it then?As other posters have pointed out, you can get your piece of paper very cheaply in a registry office.

JarethTheGoblinKing · 05/04/2011 20:54

Well said D0G.

And yes, its a bit of a pervy pic isn't it Grin

D0G · 05/04/2011 20:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 05/04/2011 20:57

Or you can just write a will and make proper arrangements for the future of your children. You know, like an adult?

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 05/04/2011 20:58

Because I don't see the point

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 05/04/2011 20:59

You sound a bit defensive seeker! Sorry if I've touched a nerve!

greenbananas · 05/04/2011 20:59

"you can get your piece of paper very cheaply in a registry office."

But it's not that simple, is it? According to DH, it costs £37.50 to get married officially - but actually it cost us about £700 (every single penny we had at the time!!) because he said his parents would never forgive us if we didn't put on some kind of fancy meal for family and friends.

The whole marriage thing is so complicated! Like I said, I am 'religious', but I was not allowed to get away with just the two of us quietly making vows in private Angry

Bratfink · 05/04/2011 21:02

"To us, it was a promise to each other that we invited our friends and family to share in and witness, and something that it meant a lot to us to do."

yeah so much like a naming ceremony, nice excuse for a party but it doesn't 'mean' an awful lot when you examine it closely

seeker · 05/04/2011 21:03

defensive?

How bizarre!

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 05/04/2011 21:05

It means a huge amount to us Bratfink, which is what matters.

Defensive, seeker, and a bit aggressive too!

It's funny that those who aren't married seem to have given it a huge amount of thought and have lists of reasons why it's a bad thing and why they are against it, why it means nothing.....

TattyDevine · 05/04/2011 21:08

Oh well, to be fair YouCan, the OP did ask so they are responding!

(I am married so no axe to grind)

RubyFakeNails · 05/04/2011 21:08

I got married, after many years of refusing to, because in the end a legal issue we were having would have been resolved the minute we were married. So we did, however I hate being a 'married couple' it feels so twee to me and really pisses me of when people call us the so and so family or mrs...

As far as I'm concerned I'm ms (maiden name) and I always will be. Marriage is for old people as DD says!

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 05/04/2011 21:09

That's true, it just feels like many of the unmarried people here have massive issues with marriage and/or are slightly sneery or condemning of married people.

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 21:11

I have no issues with other people getting married

I just don't want to

TattyDevine · 05/04/2011 21:11

If the married ones were asked, they might come out with a list too.

Here is my list for having got married:

  1. I wanted to. When I was first married, if I took my ring off to wash my face, and went to bed without it, I'd remember and get up and put it on and feel all warm and fuzzy Grin
  1. I had to - legally - or we would have been legally separated from each other due to residency issues
  1. I wanted my children to be conceived in wedlock (I dont know why - I just did - I realise this is weird and mainly due to my upbringing)

I can't think of any other. Oddly, none of it involved the big white wedding or legal stuff like next of kin, property, parental rights, none of that factored at the time, I was too young and naive to properly consider that (though DH's parents tried to get him to get a prenup and he told them to eff off! Grin )

Stangirl · 05/04/2011 21:13

alemci personally, I'd prefer if my children could spell "controversial".

OP Because we don't need church or state to validate our relationship. Also, as a middle aged civil servant it still give me a frisson of rebellion to correct people if they refer to DP as my husband.

Bratfink · 05/04/2011 21:13

So to you it means a lot, which is lovely. I mean that, if it's important to you then go for it. Likewise if it's not an important thing to someone else then it's perfectly possible to live as fulfilling and happy life with a relationship as meaningful, loving and committed as so one who has made a public declaration of that

Oh and I hadn't thought about it or ever formulated a reason it's not important to me until the OP asked

D0G · 05/04/2011 21:15

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.