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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:
Topspin · 05/04/2011 19:51

We never wanted to or felt it was important. However, we have recently married after many years for financial/legal reasons. It was just us and our grown-up children as witnesses. We haven't told our families.

TBH, it doesn't feel any different. Our 25 years together is more important to us than the 10 mins we spent in the registry office a couple of weeks ago.

Spero · 05/04/2011 19:51

Sunshine, I hope you have sorted out all the legalities re inheritance etc.

Being married is also a lot better for mothers of small children when you often end up earning less or nothing.

K999 · 05/04/2011 19:51

Curry...you beat me to it!! Grin

smokinaces · 05/04/2011 19:52

linerunner that was me too - the one left behind with 2 kids. and begrudging having to pay for the priviledge.

FabbyChic · 05/04/2011 19:54

More to the point why do people get married when after all said and done it is only a piece of paper?

Some don't get married because to them it is a religious ceremony and they are Atheists.

If you live in someones house and pay the mortgage or contribute you are entitled to a percentage of it's value if you split up. So marriage really means nothing.

Original poster
Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:54

Sorry, I now think I was too nosey, not to mention mosey! I suppose I can't quite work out how I'd answer the opposite question if it were levelled at me. For some reason it does feel important, but maybe it's one of those things where that's what it comes down to. Like I can't explain why i wanted a third child. Because there is just no reason for it that I could logically put forward why being either married or not is better.

OP posts:
LunarRose · 05/04/2011 19:55

" you can get married in a registry office for around £100. Which is probably less than the cost of a solicitor drawing up all the required paperwork to secure the financial interests of both parties and next of kin etc"

But the solicitor drawing up the required paperwork is a hell of a lot cheaper and less traumatic than the solicitor dealing with the divorce.

Because I want to define my own relationship not a legal framework and a court system.

MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 19:55

I think maybe it comes down to your experiences of your parents marriage? I only say this because I have a couple of friends who are both in happy relationships, but say they will never get married. One because she sees it as 'a piece of paper' and the other because she says she doesn't want to ruin her relationship. Both of them have parents who went through messy divorces.

Me, and DH, both have or had parents who are still happy together & married (or at least were until one of them died). Therefore our personal experiences and opinions on marriage are very positive - and we both always saw marriage as the ultimate way to show our committment to 'the one' when we met that person.

I know this wouldn't apply to everyone - but it does to some people I know.

CurrySpice · 05/04/2011 19:55

I did K999 :o

My DP asks me about once a week. I always reply that I'll check what my husband thinks :o

I would so marry his arse off right now though :o

twinkytonk · 05/04/2011 19:56

Because he doesn't want to, apparently 11.5 years, a mortgage and a child isn't enough.

Apparently that shows he is commited to me............

D0G · 05/04/2011 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

K999 · 05/04/2011 19:57

Lol Curry. We are exactly the same! And I have been with DP for 6 years!!

MooMooFarm · 05/04/2011 19:58

We spent no more than about £2000 on our wedding (including the holiday) and it was lovely - we had everything exactly how we wanted to. So I never understand why people use the reason of not being able to afford it.

storminabuttercup · 05/04/2011 20:00

Because i want to be a bridezilla and we cant afford it at the moment....

CurrySpice · 05/04/2011 20:00

K999 I thought I was the only one in this odd situation!

But then, when I filled the census out, on the marital status bit it had a specific box for "Separated but still legally married"

It was just for us! :o

Scorps · 05/04/2011 20:00

DOG I was just going to write about you.....

I know a couple who just don't need to. They couldn't be anymore together.

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 20:01

ha! We dont need to be married we are miserable enough co-habiting thanks Grin

LunarRose · 05/04/2011 20:01

and I guess because I do believe that marriage is for life and in my case (and lots of other) it clearly wasn't. it doesn't feel right to do it again because I know now that even if I believe it's for life, it might still go wrong.

Gosh that sounds terribly innocent....

JarethTheGoblinKing · 05/04/2011 20:02

D0G Grin

I've just updated my profile to show off my tights in their best light..

K999 · 05/04/2011 20:03

Curry - that is too funny....we wet ourselves filling out the census!!! Grin

redandyellowandpinkandgreen · 05/04/2011 20:04

DH didn't want to but as he is now DH you can see I twisted his arm!

I genuinely don't think we needed to as such though. We are joint home owners and had life insurance written so we would inherit. I don't know what marriage has changed in that respect. When DS came along it would have been cheaper to just write a will but I wanted to be married and persuaded him in the end. I do fully see his reasons for not wanting to though.

superchick · 05/04/2011 20:05

Because I'm an athiest and marriage is a religious institution that has no meaning for me. I appreciate that I am not covered legally in the same way that I would be if we were married and that is a risk/decision I am happy to take. DP would like to get married but we have agreed that the DCs will take his surname as a compromise.

Additionally I HATE being the centre of attention and would never put myself through any ceremony of that type in front of people.

PatientGriselda · 05/04/2011 20:10

Because I don't want to be considered part of a financial unit. I hold my assets (oo er) myself, and am responsible for my own debts, and would hate to have my assets seized for someone else's debts, and be mortified that someone else's assets could be seized for mine. I love DP very much indeed and have done so for the past 8 years, but to marry would feel to me almost like a backwards step to a time when women couldn't hold their own property etc. I'm aware that this is a bit melodramatic :)

RitaMorgan · 05/04/2011 20:11

DP doesn't want to get married for moral/political reasons I suppose.

I would quite like a wedding Grin but not bothered enough about being married to insist on one.

Both mine and DP's parents have been happily married for 30+ years.

TandB · 05/04/2011 20:11

Because we consider "not married" to be the default position. Getting married actually involves taking action and no-one has ever given us a good enough reason as to why it is necessary or desirable.

We're good as we are.