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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask genuinely, why people don't get married?

617 replies

Lookandlearn · 05/04/2011 19:38

if they are in a committed, permanent relationship and have children? It's a genuine question and I am happy to be ignored if it's too mosey, but gives an airing to side issues from another thread on here.

OP posts:

Jogon · 05/04/2011 20:13

I am married for lots of reasons but primarily to stop my evil MIL getting her grubby mitts on anything if DH died before me.

Neither of us could stomach the thought of the old witch being his next of kin for any longer than was absolutely necessary.

MoonGirl1981 · 05/04/2011 20:13

I've already been married and divorced, been with my current partner seven years.

Marriage is very easy to 'undo'. Back when divorce was not an option marriage meant something more but now it's terribly easy to get out of. I feel that some people no longer see it as a lifetime thing.

Also marriage is a state of mind, not some signatures doodled on green paper. I know a few married people who are having secret affairs and shagging other people.

People ask why we're not married. They say that it shows love and respect and commitment. I have all of that without the marriage.

Love, respect and commitment are just that. You can have that regardless of whether you're married or not.

Scaredycat3000 · 05/04/2011 20:14

Because when MIL heard we where thinking of a small wedding she started to plan which 30 people she would invite for the coach she would hire to bring them here. I wasn't to bothered about getting married as it was and this just totally put me off. The plan had been registry office, pub meal, with parents and siblings, not a constant battle with never to be MIL. Been together 13 years, still not bothered.

Mare11bp · 05/04/2011 20:16

For me and my DP we felt the same - both happy to have a mortgage, really wanted kids, but a certain "no" to marriage. Reasoning as follows:

Both sets of parents are now divorced and made a hash of it
Unnecessary
It's a pressure - I want to work hard at our relationship because I want to be in it not because I feel "we have to try" because we are married.
It's a curse - know of countless couples in a relationship for 10 years plus got married then divorced within 18 months.
Can't afford/justify the money
Don't want to have a do where I have to invite the in-laws (a less important reason but still a reason)
I like the financial independence of being unmarried (I work part-time, we have a joint bills account we pay into but otherwise don't pool our resources) and keeping my own separate person/identity/name.

I could go on. The only argument "for" it as it were is that DP gets a half decent pension and if god forbid anything happened and we are unmarried I get nowt. But I am not with him for the money, and for me the cons outweigh that minor and superficial advantage.

It's an interesting debate IMO, and I have lots of friends who are married and get on great and really enjoy being married. Good luck to them and others who do but it's really not for me.

seeker · 05/04/2011 20:18

If you are in a committed, permanent relationship with children, why would you get married?

Mare11bp · 05/04/2011 20:18

P.S. Jogon, LOVE your post.

NeverAttributeToMalice · 05/04/2011 20:20

Main reason? The wedding. I know people say do it in a registry office, but if we did that, it would upset pretty much everyone we care about. I am deeply uncomfortable with the complicated ritual marriage has become, full of customs whose origin and meaning are lost in the mists of time. (and white is not my colour )

Marriage changes a relationship. It is not just a piece of paper. Your expectations of each other and yourself change. Society's expectations of you change. You're suddenly a husband or a wife, with all the associations that go along with that. I quite like the way I am now; a partner, not a wife.

ginmakesitallok · 05/04/2011 20:20

We've been together over 17 years and got engaged 3 months after meeting. We have 2 DC and a mortgage. Why don't we get married?? Because we can't be arsed. simple

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 05/04/2011 20:23

It's interesting that some posters see the position of 'wife' as somehow lowly and beneath them....saying they don't want to be someone's wife..I am very proud to be my husband's wife - to mean it means something entirely different.
Not that I am his possession - that we belong to each other. For me, I feel that marriage has strengthened and deepened our relationship hugely.

SolarPanel · 05/04/2011 20:24

YANBU. I like the community aspect of weddings, bringing family and friends together to support the couple in their new life and celebrate with them.

hephaestus · 05/04/2011 20:26

I'm not married because we have no shared assets that would cause conflict in the event of a split - no mortgage, savings, kids etc. Also, I would want a civil partnership type affair over a traditional wedding or civil ceremony, rather like I understand they have in NZ, for social/moral/political muleheadedness reasons.

That's not what you asked though - and yes, I also wonder why some women choose to live with a partner in their partner's home, with kids, contributing to the mortgage, without providing any security for themselves (and that may not even be through marriage but got god's sake, get your wills sorted at least!)

Mare11bp · 05/04/2011 20:27

I don't think being a wife makes you automatically lowly as it were, but traditionally the wife is the subservient one, and I am not sure that has changed massively even now.....yes women have kids and still go to work much more than they used to, but in most households you still find (IMO) the wife doing nearly all the cooking cleaning housekeeping etc.....maybe it's this the contented unmarried woman is trying to get away from....just a thought......

Changing2011 · 05/04/2011 20:27

youcangetpregnant - I dont need a name for what I am to my partner. We are together - that is enough.

LucyInTheSkyWithDiazepam · 05/04/2011 20:28

Because the only thing that pisses DP's mother off more than the fact that he's with me at all is the fact that he's 'living in sin' with me. That, in itself, is reason enough for me to never want tie the knot.

youcangetpregnantstandingup · 05/04/2011 20:28

I don't need a name for what I am to my partner either, but I like the one I have.

Rugbylovingmum · 05/04/2011 20:29

DP and I got together at 17 and at first we felt too young to get married then we were to busy drinking studying, finding a job, moving etc to get around to it. Ten years later and we just didn't see any good reason to do it - both atheists, very happy as things were, I hate being centre of attention, his surname is awful with my first name .... When DD came along we considered it for legal reasons but we did wills instead.

These threads always worry me slightly as people talk alot about the legal problems associated with not being married. We have wills, we own our house jointly, have the right insurance policies etc so as far as I am aware the only thing we cannot change is that I am not legally DPs next of kin - is that right? When would that make a difference - medical decisions if DP couldn't make them??? I'm not against marriage and DP would do a registry office dash if we thought we needed to, I just don't want to do it for the sake of it IYKWIM.

TheCoalitionNeedsYou · 05/04/2011 20:29

It's basically down to laziness, and general immorality.

D0G · 05/04/2011 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 20:30

RedandYellow- do you not feel a bit needy having to twist someones arm to marry you?

D0G · 05/04/2011 20:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gemsy83 · 05/04/2011 20:31

I know someone who had to twist her fellas arm to get wed- he agreed on the condition he could go away on his own to Pattaya and indulge in underage sex

greenbananas · 05/04/2011 20:34

"We don't need no piece of paper from the City Hall keeping us tied and true..." (Joni Mitchell)

However, I am married - DH proposed within about 3 weeks of meeting me. I asked him why he wanted to marry me and he said, "because I want you to be my next of kin".

Bratfink · 05/04/2011 20:35

Because we are heathens. Marriage is a religious thing right? A non religious one has all the meaning and gravity of a 'naming ceremony' as far as we can see

alemci · 05/04/2011 20:36

I don't get why people don't want to be married. to me not being married is second rate and also i would rather my children were legitimate. maybe that is contraversial but it is how I feel.

usualsuspect · 05/04/2011 20:37

I don't feel second rate

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