Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have thought my sister in law might be a little bit enthusiastic

237 replies

CotswoldCountryMummy · 05/04/2011 17:10

It's our 10th wedding anniversary at the end of this year. Instead of a party, we thought it would be nice to hire an old vicarage for 14 friends and family. I phoned my SIL to run the idea by her, all excited as this place has lettle beds up in the eaves and is a childrens haven. She has always been very dour, sour and unforthcoming. She is always in a bad temper and snapping at the children. My MIL does everyting she can to make things nice, she bought a pony for SIL daughter, but all SIL does is whinge and moan about "That fucking pony" and is sour face about having to take her daughter riding. I don't think mIL needs this shit, as my FIL has motor neurone and is deteriorating.
I just thought it would be nice for us all to get together for a weekend in november. When i excitedly told my SIL about it, and how we have 10 other friends coming to stay too and what a fun night we would have on the saturday - all she could say was "Well, my kids won't go to sleep at 7.30pm." (our DD goes to sleep then - shes almost two)
Her children are 7 and 10. they run around until1 am.
AIBU it think that she might have shared my enthusiasm? That she might have silently thought - how nice to be invited, i'll make sure the girls stay upstairs because the staurdau night is their anniversary and no one wants kids running round when grown ups are having a bit of a drink/party. My DH was furious with me for inviting her. I just thought it would be a nice family thing to do.

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 05/04/2011 23:44

I think you're about to suffer for the use of that very unfortunate adjective.

Salmotrutta · 05/04/2011 23:47

I read this thread earlier and my first thoughts were that it is clearly a clash of personalities. You have, in some ways, "taken over" in the family house.
But it goes further really because the SIL presumably grew up in the house and now feels unwelcome. Your story about how she stood awkwardly in the doorway saying goodbye sounded quite sad really.
Granted that may be down to her behaviour - but the OP should recognise how it will affect her SIL coming back to her childhood home being run by someone other than her Mum.
And telling her how to treat her mum is risky - you will possibly end up as piggy-in-the-middle. That is never good.

I say all this as someone who has had SIL (and MIL) ishoos for nearly 30 years. I'm not daft and I know I'm sometimes in the wrong. But I know when to back off.

usualsuspect · 06/04/2011 07:54

CCM ..in regards to your unfortunate adjective ,may I refer you to this thread

JaxTellersOldLady · 06/04/2011 10:52

Can everyone stop using the word "retarded" It is hineous and if I see it again I might combust with anger!

That is twice today I have saw it written on a thread.

Lucyinthepie · 06/04/2011 10:53

"When i excitedly told my SIL about it, and how we have 10 other friends coming to stay too and what a fun night we would have on the saturday"
My idea of hell to be honest. Maybe she just doesn't fancy it?

Gemsy83 · 06/04/2011 11:33

Why the hell such pomp and circumstance for a bloody anniversary? How precious?

worraliberty · 06/04/2011 11:48

It's just occured to me actually...clearly you and your SIL can't stand each other. Therefore I think it's safe to assume she's not too thrilled that you're married to her brother. Maybe she doesn't want to come as she'd feel a little hypocritical celebrating your anniversary?

ScroobiousPip · 06/04/2011 12:02

Good post Salmotrutta, I agree.

Putting aside all the craziness on this thread, life actually sounds quite tough for the SIL - she's no longer really welcome in her family home (does she even get to inherit a share?), there's a new uber-daughter on the block determined to be best friends with her parents (who she has a less than perfect relationship with) and who is quite happy to tell SIL off for her part in that mother-daughter relationship. On top of that, SIL has a pony to maintain out in the countryside, which means she has to visit regularly, even if she'd rather be doing more fun stuff in London. Sounds pretty hellish really.

I don't get a sense that the OP has understood the situation from her SIL's perspective at all.

scaryteacher · 06/04/2011 12:20

'My FIL is slowly dying - he might not be here this time next year, which is why i am trying to organise family time. my MIL is really touched and excited at the idea. She realises the significance of it.'

What you also have to realise is that adults deal with their parents dying in different ways; have been there, done that with my Dad and now with dh's Dad. Your sil may not want 'family' time, she may want time on her own with her parents/Dad without you being there, doing your wonderful dil impression. She may not want to see her Dad at all until she's got her head around the fact he's dying.

I have to agree with ScroobiousPip as well. Your sil's relationship with her Mum is none of your business, and if either of my sils took me to task about how I spoke to my Mum/mil, they'd be told to keep their beaks out.

pooka · 06/04/2011 12:46

Putting myself in your SIL's shoes:

  1. Family home now occupied by brother and SIL. Don't feel welcome. Feels odd to visit and be a visitor.
  2. Have a difficult relationship with my mother. She cries at the drop of a hat. We don't gel and I find it hard to get along.
  3. 2 is worsened because my SIL is acting like the golden child, has muscled her way into the family. Criticises the way I speak to my mother. Interferes with my relationship with my parents.

I know that this has already been said, but the relationship between your MIL and SIL is their business only, and no one else's. If MIL tries to get you involved, steer well clear. You may think you know your SIL, her childhood, their relationship. But you don't.

And WRT the pony. Well I also would be cross if I lived in London, said pony was stabled in the countryside, and the pressure from dd to use said pony meant that was still tied to the old family home, the farm and "visiting" when I don't actually feel welcome any more.

Flower1000 · 06/04/2011 12:49

sounds like you could have offered her the world and she still woudn't have been excited. Cut your losses and in future don't bother telling her your good news if she brings you down.

Invite her but tell someone who you'll get a reasonable response from :)

scaryteacher · 06/04/2011 12:49

And it is only 10 years you've been married, get a grip.

Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 06/04/2011 12:50

you are a seriously unpleasant bunch of people and i pity any MIL or FIL unfortuneate enough to have you as DIL'S.

Let's get this straight then, you would sit back and watch your MIL being torn to pieces by this rude, hurtful insensitive little cow without intervening? You'd say nothing while she was reduced to tears by nasty comments about her hair colour, and health "Stop moaning about your fucking bad back"
Ugh, the lot of you make me shudder - what vile people you are!
I can sleep easy in bed at night knowing that i wont stand back and watch someone be abused - and that's what it is - psychological abuse.
don't dare to lecture me on "what i have to realise" ScRyTeacher. You have no idea. She has plenty of family time alone with her father. And i don't proclaim to be a " wonderful" daughter in law. i am just trying to alleviate the stress of a horrendous emotional strain.
You sound an absolute disgrace - youd tell your SIL to "keep their beak out" if they objected to you abusing your mother? Well, with all respect, if you told me to mind my own business if i was defending your bullied mother, i think i would punch you in your beak, at least three times.
You people talk drivel. and you are the reason MN has got a disgusting reputation. You are effectively saying that you would be complicit in the abuse. Its sick, and so are you.
As someone normal pointed out, your transparently chippy, resentful reaction says far more about you than it does about me.
your main concern is simply to disagree, even though you know you are morally wrong. You try to sympathize with my SIL for having to walk up and down the lane with a pony once every 3 weeks. Poor her! No sympathy for her children who are subjected to her screaming fits and foul language. WHich shows exactly the type of mothers you are. It's obviously the norm to treat your children like that.
The only people that "maintain" the pony is MIL and me. SIL phones when shes halfway here and asks, no, tells, us to get it ready.
My inbox has been inundated with nice messages from normal people, people who are good parents and decent people, who would react the same as i do. And urging me to ignore the pathetic, antagaonism of you brainless morons.
The problem is solved - two breaks. One for family and one for us and our friends.
As far as i'm concerned, this thread is over and i won't be psoting again on this thread , but if you ,lot have nothing better to do than churn in the stinking waters of your own bile, so be it.
I am off to ride my horse *shock horror - shoot me down in flames"
Morons.

OP posts:
Original poster
CotswoldCountryMummy · 06/04/2011 12:54

And before i go, its none of your effing business how long we've been married you sad cow. If we want to hire a rambling old rectory and go away for a nice long chilled out weekend with 14 good friends, it has sweet FA to do with you. But then judging by your resentful tone, the pinnace of your aspirations is a night in a travel lodge. On your own.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 06/04/2011 12:55

Oh not the old 'my inbox is inundated' chestnut....did you really just type that? Blush

I can't believe you're even raising your SIL's foul language...oh the irony Grin

pooka · 06/04/2011 12:56

Ha ha at inbox inundated with nice people who agree with you. Grin

And as for bile - you're the one full of it!

You're the one who has made unprovoked personal insults.

Salmotrutta · 06/04/2011 12:56

Oh dear! Confused or maybe just Shock

spongefingerssavedmylife · 06/04/2011 13:07

Got to Hmm when someone posts an AIBU then goes bonkers when people say she is!

And LOL at telling people 'they don't know the half of it' and should therefore have no sympathy with SIL. Well duh! we only you know what you've told us!

Salmotrutta · 06/04/2011 13:13

Thing is, the OP's response is so tantrummy (made up word) it makes me wonder if that's how she is in RL? And if so, it's not surprising the SIL seems underwhelmed by the prospect of the housearrest in an old vicarageparty.

Salmotrutta · 06/04/2011 13:14

Oops - strike out fail Blush

wordfactory · 06/04/2011 13:17

Quick someone call a doctor - the op has lost the plot.

JaxTellersOldLady · 06/04/2011 13:30

HAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa dear fucking lord! It gets better and better!

And you still havent apologised for the 'retard' comment.

Portofino · 06/04/2011 13:34

Lordy, and I thought I had bad PMT this month! Shock

Portofino · 06/04/2011 13:35

I can't understand why you invited her if you hate her that much. If this isn't just a wind up of course. I hope so, because I think you are beyond help if it isn't.

EldritchCleavage · 06/04/2011 13:42

Strangest thread I've read on MN, probably. Shall we lobby to get it put in Classics (minus that 'r' comment, of course)?