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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not bother with Thank You cards?

169 replies

whethergirl · 04/04/2011 17:39

DS had a small 6th birthday party at home over the weekend. Would I be considered to be rude/impolite if I don't do the Thank You cards? I find them a bit pointless and superficial to be honest.

DS already thanked every person for the present and for coming, as did I with the mums. I said something personal about each present to the mums ie. He's always wanted one of those. Party bags went out. So I feel, everyone has been thanked.

After the party, I went through the presents with DS and I said something personal about each one and how thoughtful the present giver was, to show him how good it is to appreciate.

Mums thanked, check.
Children thanked, check.
DS grateful, check.

So why the Thank You cards? I find them a bit OTT tbh.

OP posts:

wibley2 · 08/04/2011 15:53

I like to get thankyou cards from people I have sent presents to, it lets you know they have received it, but don't think it necessary for childrens parties when you see the people there. Especially as they have had the party fun in return for the present!

fastedwina · 08/04/2011 15:55

what if thankyou cards is just something you have never been brought up to do or expect.

'Thank you card / letter is essential!
Only reason for not doing it is sheer laziness/thinking the world revolves around you. '

Can say the same about folk who think like like this , that the whole world revolves round them and their narrow way of doing things - but i won't be so rude to assume that everyone is brought up the same or think that the same things are important to everyone.

jugglingjo · 08/04/2011 16:12

I'm feeling quite huffy with the idea of grumpy grannies stopping sending pressies because of not getting a thank-you card.

Maybe such people need to make more effort to connect with their grandchildren/ younger relations, rather than just sending them something through the post once a year, nice though that may be.

Spend some time with them and do things together, then the pressie thing and thank-you thing can get a much better sense of perspective. If you were regularly in touch in would be much easier to know a) if they'd received it
b) if they liked it and c) if it was the sort of thing they'd be likely to like.

Perhaps their grandchildren actually need them ?

jugglingjo · 08/04/2011 16:18

When my DD1 sent a birthday card to the Queen she got a lovely letter back, thanking her, from the Lady-in-waiting. Which was perfect
Does that answer the aristo question ?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/04/2011 16:23

We got one too for sending a birth congratulations card when Prince William was born! I wonder if they mean it though, or if they just do it to appease the plebs

I think a phone call, during which the child and grandparent/aunt/whoever can actually talk is far nicer than a begrudgingly written card.

People getting huffy because they didn't get a card are far more "all about me" than the card-rejectors imo. As has been mentioned already, it completely misses the whole point of gift giving.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 08/04/2011 17:17

When we don't get a thank you from people I don't feel 'huffy'. I just wonder if they actually recieved the present (and you can't really ask without then making the recipient feel akward) or if our present was just not really appreciated, maybe they just had sooooo many!

As for not being brought up to do it as an excuse, well, it could occur for you to do it on your own, presumably you have recieved letters from others or seen cards in shops.

fastedwina · 08/04/2011 17:32

ok I'll do it just cos some other folk do it and they sell the cards in shops.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 08/04/2011 17:35

Letter is as good as a card, no need to buy. Could even make cards.

secretsquirrel1 · 08/04/2011 17:40

Jugglingjo - it shouldn't matter whether the grandparent is able to see their grandchildren regularly or not.

The point is that it is downright rude to not even acknowledge that the gift was received (in her case she didn't even get a phonecall!).

Agree with spongefingers....

fastedwina · 08/04/2011 17:48

of course it's correct to say thank you, i just don't see why that has to be a card.

secretsquirrel1 · 08/04/2011 18:17

Fasted - It should be a Letter....sorry, couldn't resist it!

A pre printed card/phonecall - @ the very least!! Has it not occurred that there are quite a few grandparents who do not own a mobile/computer?

My grandma didn't even have a TV, never mind internet/mobile. And she used to come up to stay with me/my brother's family - travelling by train up until she was 88....so yes, luckily she was fit and active and able to do that. Imagine what it must be like if you are infirm?

They love to get letters - yes, rare I know, but surely that's a line of communicaton that they can keep and re-read....

Original poster

whethergirl · 10/04/2011 01:21

I agree jugglingjo, I know of many relationships based purely on sending presents and receiving thank you cards in return. I find that very odd.

The arguement is not whether or not to say thank you when a present is received. I think that's a given, and no-one would argue that it's rude not to.

I just personally think, that if thanks has been verbally expressed, then a thank you card is unecessary and very "look how extra polite I am".

And personally, I find the "look how extra poilte I am" brigade seem to favour Thank you cards especially.

OP posts:

Original poster

whethergirl · 10/04/2011 01:22

niceday - normally after about 5 cards exchanged, you are allowed to send one that says "Thank you for everything times a million and no returns"

OP posts:

goodbyemrschips · 10/04/2011 07:59

Just another thought why we send them is because every party my ds has had [he is 9 so nine] there has been over 30 people there sometimes 40, so I could never remember who he has said thank you to or not. Some presents have been opened and some not so I really have no idea if he said thank you or not.

So the cards are a must in my house.

Sarraburd · 10/04/2011 09:43

We do them. But I don't mind if other people don't, especially if they make an effort to say thank you in person (actually I prefer a personal thank you by phone/in person to a letter that just says "thank you for the present" and nothing more than that so could have been to anyone about anything...Flame me now for admitting that!

And I agree that the radio silence thing for posted presents is bad - I don't expect a thanks from the dcs, just would like to know it got there safely - quick text fine for that - for the "it's rude to expect thanks" brigade - really, is it too much to hope for a quick text??

I always make the dcs put something personal in (we talk about what they liked about the present and gives them a chance to appreciate it more) and we generally make the cards/do a drawing on the front). My kids love to get letters for presents they've given and helped choose. But I always tell friends who I know do letters that their dcs don't need to bother doing one for us.

Sarraburd · 10/04/2011 09:46

Oh and it is cultural - in France it would be considered extremely rude to write and say thanks for a party for example, because the implication would be that you expected it to be rubbish...!

Sarraburd · 10/04/2011 09:53

And as it is cultural - I think the people who get cross/think less of people sending them TO them are being a bit harsh - I would be uncomfortable not sending them as that's MY culture. Can't they just appreciate the sentiment in which me/my dcs have sent them??

LadyIsPink · 10/04/2011 10:15

Just read this and YADNBU as you have already expressed your thanks in person. My DD writes thankyou cards because she has over 20 kids to her party and it would take the entire party to open them and say thankyou so we open them later (it's a great way of extending the birthday childs birthday experience imo anyway)

What i really object to is when you get a party bag with a card inside saying "Thankyou for coming and for my present - I love it!" WTF, you haven't opened the present so how do you know if you love it. I would rather get a card in a party bag saying "Thankyou for coming and for my present - I can't wait to open it" this would be more honest but on the other hand quite presumptious as not everyone brings a present (either forgot it or haven't had time to buy one - this has happened to my DD a few times)

A weird one is when we get a "Thankyou" card from a child who we invited round to play and stay for tea - now that's taking it too far i feel. This has also happened several times. I feel i ought to do the same when DD goes to their house but never do as she goes to different friends houses weekly and so it would never end. Sleepovers possibly but i still have never done it for them either!

Original poster

whethergirl · 10/04/2011 22:33

Sarraburd - fair enough, I can't judge anyone for sending them. As you say, it can be a cultural thing, or just the way you do things. I think it's better that some people do and some people don't to be honest, rather than everyone doing it cos they're expected to. I feel the same about Christmas cards, if I've sent one to someone who then apologises for not sending one back, then I say it's nice to send a card without getting one back. At the same time, I've probably recieved xmas cards from people I haven't sent one too. But better that way I feel, rather than everyone mechanically exchanging xmas cards.

LadyIsPink - I agree, including a thank you note for the present in the party bag just makes me cringe. But thank you cards for play dates? No, thank you!

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