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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not bother with Thank You cards?

169 replies

whethergirl · 04/04/2011 17:39

DS had a small 6th birthday party at home over the weekend. Would I be considered to be rude/impolite if I don't do the Thank You cards? I find them a bit pointless and superficial to be honest.

DS already thanked every person for the present and for coming, as did I with the mums. I said something personal about each present to the mums ie. He's always wanted one of those. Party bags went out. So I feel, everyone has been thanked.

After the party, I went through the presents with DS and I said something personal about each one and how thoughtful the present giver was, to show him how good it is to appreciate.

Mums thanked, check.
Children thanked, check.
DS grateful, check.

So why the Thank You cards? I find them a bit OTT tbh.

OP posts:
longislandicetea · 06/04/2011 11:42

Thank you cards are always written in our household and I often get comments from people how nice it is to receive one. I know it's old fashioned but in my eyes a must. Grandma's and aunties especially love them (hence the old fashioned comment)

womma · 06/04/2011 11:49

OP, if you thanked them in person there's no need to do anything else is there?

If you send out thank you cards the other mums might think they'll have to start doing it as well. Cut yourself some slack, you sound like you were a perfect host.

stealthsquiggle · 06/04/2011 11:49

Thank you "cards" can be real or virtual in this household - for people for whom I have email addresses and who are happy with emails, emails are fine. For elderly relations, they get (and appear to value) cards with photos of the DC. For parties, they get home-made notes (sorry, Hallmark), delivered by hand (via school), sometimes with photos of the guest DC taken at the party (and I have been to one house where they have 4 years worth of photos of their DS, in the form of Thank you cards from us, on display in the kitchen, so I know those are valued!)

Ephiny · 06/04/2011 12:01

Surely you don't need to send a card if the person gave the present to you directly and you thanked them there and then? I thought the point of them was that if a present was sent in the post, you sent back a card to say you'd received it and to say thank you? Of course you could just as well phone or email in that situation, but as long as you do acknowledge the gift and thank the person in some form, it's all OK!

Vintagepommery · 06/04/2011 12:09

Personally I don't see the point. You've provided a party - they've provided presents, you've thanked them personally for said presents.

stealthsquiggle · 06/04/2011 12:16

OP - from my POV, as a habitual sender of thank you cards in some form, you are more than OK - presents opened, DS duly grateful, all boxes ticked.

For us, since we opt not to open presents at parties (after one little toad darling snatched something DS had just opened and broke it, leaving DS in floods of tears), Thank you cards/notes are, in my view, required. Similarly for relations who have posted presents. We sometimes get cards/letters, sometimes emails - I am fine with either. What winds me up is when I appear to be sending presents into a black hole (by post, not to parties) - I honestly don't know if they have even arrived, since I get no acknowledgement from child or parent.

That, in my view, is bad manners.

BrainSurgeon · 06/04/2011 12:25

I have a friend who once said to me during a similar debate "I don't do cards" Shock

She doesn't! And I admire her for that!

As for me, as I'm not English, I do find the whole thank you cards thing a bit OTT too (in a very non-judgy kind-of-admiring way :) ). I'm always having interesting (amicable) debates with DP about the cards habits in England.

What tends to happen however, is that we rarely send any cards out, because we're both just hopeless at these things :(
Those you love us don't care, or joke about it.

:)

kattyo · 06/04/2011 12:31

We always write them. but that's partly because the kids round here all seem to open their presents after the party so you don't get a chance to thank in person. if i've put a lot of thought into the gift i like to know it went down well - a mention or a text would be fine

FionaJT · 06/04/2011 12:40

Thank you cards after parties seem to be 'in' round here, but I didn't make dd do any (she said she wanted to but soon lost interest!). It seems like rather an unnecessary faff and, yes, more junk for the recycling. But I did make her stand by the door at the end of the party hand out the party bags and say thank you for coming. Surely the present/party bag, thank you for having me/thankyou for coming is enough of a straight swap and everybody's happy!
(But then I'm the sort of person who won't let dd write Xmas cards to every child in the class either..)

FionaJT · 06/04/2011 12:42

I'd like to add that I do insist on thank you letters for presents that have been sent through the post.

purpledragonfly · 06/04/2011 12:49

We sent out thank you cards after DS's (5th) birthday recently because everyone who'd had a birthday party earlier in the year also did. Think you should follow what the rest of your DS's class have done - how many parties has he been to Sep-Mar?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 06/04/2011 12:49

Ahhh, the tyranny of the card.

I hate them myself. I hate all cards that are sent out of a sense of obligation if the truth be known.

Thank you cards should be banned.

notquitenormal · 06/04/2011 13:01

I have never sent one and I have never recieved one. I don't think I know a single person who does them. And, like all cards, I think they are a pointless waste of time and money.

If you want to say thank you to someone you either say it when you see them or call them. That's how it's done in my circles.

And if someone were to send me a thankyou card, I would probably say how nice it was and how much I appreciate it...but I would mean it, I'd just be saying it to be polite Grin

halfcaffodils · 06/04/2011 13:23

No, I have never written thank you cards, other than to people who have sent things through the post. Didn't do it when I was a child and there weren't even party bags then! We tend to phone people for that now, too. Only one or two (white mc!) people I know do it. The problem is we never open presents at the party, so I don't feel people are really thanked properly for the specific present. It is something I would do if I were more organised and had more time, or if dc were keen to do it. I think it's lovely and admire people who manage to get it together. My life is chaos!

Journey · 06/04/2011 13:36

I send out thank you cards after a birthday party. I think it is a nice way to thank people properly for their present. It is of course good manners.

2and1ontheway · 06/04/2011 13:49

I remember being made to write thank you letters as a form of torture from my childhood - then of course it was all by hand, and my mum was also very ambitious with wanting us to write "proper" letters with a bit of news, a bit about why we liked the present (hard for WH Smith tokens that distant relatives we children couldn't put a face to a name for sent), and our "best writing" and having to start again if we made a mess or a spelling error - I got really stressed over the envelopes too...

I will never make my kids write thank you letters against their will because I remember genuinely wishing people wouldn't give me presents so I wouldn't have to write the letters! We do phone or email people who have sent presents through the post but not people we have thanked in person - happily where we live I have never received a thank you note or card from a child whose party my children have been to, and often only the child is thanked in person, as everyone tends to drop kids over 4 off (parties are also kept much smaller here than in the UK and are invariably at home).

I receive thank you letters from my niece and just feel sorry for her being made to churn them out tbh and would not be remotely offended by an email from her or her mum instead - for things I have posted I just want to know they have arrived safely, not to be thanked!

People who are offended by not getting thank you notes are a bit oddly "me, me, me" about the giving IMO - if you give someone a gift it's about them not you, surely?

varicoseveined · 06/04/2011 14:28

Not of English descent, never sent thank you cards as a child. Thank-yous were done in person or on the phone [shrugs]

Tbh we only ever did birthday or Christmas cards

fastedwina · 06/04/2011 14:50

purpledragonfly ' Think you should follow what the rest of your DS's class have done - how many parties has he been to Sep-Mar?'

why not just do what you normally do, you don't always have to follow the crowd - there lies the way to hell. Grin

lurkerspeaks · 06/04/2011 15:37

I'm with the old fogeys. I expect children to write me thank you cards if I have posted them a gift, or left an unopened gift for them. If they open it in front of me and thank me at the time then that is adequate.

Writing to say thank you is a social necessity in my eyes and a very good chance to practise their handwriting. The little ones usually just scrawl their name on a piece of artwork.

I know that facilitating this is a chore for the parents but quite frankly going out to buy and then post presents for the 15 or so children I buy for can feel like a chore too.

I am quite frankly appalled by the number of parents who are saying that formal written thank you notes are unnecessary. In my social circle they are quite definitely not.

JoBettany · 06/04/2011 16:05

'In my social circle...' - curtseys to lurker Grin

BrainSurgeon · 06/04/2011 16:13

Oh lurker you sound an awful lot like my DP's stepmum... I'm scared now

GabbyLoggon · 06/04/2011 16:16

my wife can do cartoon sketches; and we might send out a funny one

Once in a newsagent a woman asked "Have you got a riminder card for forgetting to send a reminder card?"

shopkeeper looked puzzled

edam · 06/04/2011 16:19

Round here children do write thank you cards for birthday presents. Have to admit we aren't very good at this as ds's party is always the day after term ends so we can't just hand out the thank you letters at school. Maybe we should just put them in the party bag, but that's a bit tokenistic as we wouldn't know what someone had bought at that point. Although probably better than no thank you at all!

cornflowers · 06/04/2011 16:29

I try to get my children to help with writing their own thank you cards, and I think it's always nice to get them, however I certainly don't think any less of someone for not sending them, especially if they have already thanked in person YANBU

FattyAcid · 06/04/2011 17:43

Unless you open the present in front of the giver and thank them it is good manners to send a thank you card.

However, my dd is in Y6 and has been to a lot of parties - presents are almost never opened at the party and thank you letter have been very rare.