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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not bother with Thank You cards?

169 replies

whethergirl · 04/04/2011 17:39

DS had a small 6th birthday party at home over the weekend. Would I be considered to be rude/impolite if I don't do the Thank You cards? I find them a bit pointless and superficial to be honest.

DS already thanked every person for the present and for coming, as did I with the mums. I said something personal about each present to the mums ie. He's always wanted one of those. Party bags went out. So I feel, everyone has been thanked.

After the party, I went through the presents with DS and I said something personal about each one and how thoughtful the present giver was, to show him how good it is to appreciate.

Mums thanked, check.
Children thanked, check.
DS grateful, check.

So why the Thank You cards? I find them a bit OTT tbh.

OP posts:
ZeroMinusZero · 07/04/2011 16:44

I think that expecting a thank you note is as bad as expecting a present. I would rather get nothing than get a present from someone who expected a thank you note.

readywithwellies · 07/04/2011 21:18

I have been on a similar thread before. OP YANBU

Those of you who would be annoyed or pissed off due to a lack of a thank you card, don't bother sending that person a gift again. I would rather not have the misfortune to know you in the first place well enough to get a gift if I have a precondition that a card will be expected. I may well send one but if I know it is expected then I won't send it on purpose.

Personally I find someone who expects (and I mean expects and gets pissed off if not received) a card is just as rude as a person who does not say thanks. You give a gift cos you want to not to receive a card. A call or personal thanks is fine and I don't care if I don't even get a thanks.

For all you twats out there, please see attached thank you card for reading my post. Grin

Bringonthegoat · 07/04/2011 21:20

I like a personal thank you so prefer to do it face to face or by phoneAgree with all butterbur said.

readywithwellies · 07/04/2011 21:25

CupsandRoses - I got flamed for suggesting it was a class thing, watch out.

CakeandRoses · 07/04/2011 22:53

Flame away, anyone who fancies a go. I was merely quoting other posters' suggestion that it was a middle class thing and then extrapolating that to explain why SILs don't send them.

butterbear I make dh write and post the ones to his relatives: the white, middle class feminist's answer :D

ready and other card-haters - are you saying that you think no thanks at all is fine (if a face to face one isn't possible)?

readywithwellies · 07/04/2011 23:02

Cake - I only send gifts to people who I see to say thanks. If I received a gift from elsewhere, I would acknowledge the gift in some way, depending on who it was, the type of gift etc. This would prob be through Facebook. However, I do not get (and do not care) any thanks for certain gifts I give. So yes, I am saying it is preferrable to say thanks but tbh I wouldn't have a mental tally chart on who had said thanks or not.

And those people who remind people they havent received a thanks, ffs!

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 07/04/2011 23:18

It's a class thing.

Petit bourgeois.

Not sure if I'm a prole or a member of the ruling class, but I know I find thank you cards insupportable.

CakeandRoses · 07/04/2011 23:26

Ah, you're simply a better person than I, then :-)

For me, it's more like the annoyance of an unanswered question (that's a simile - I don't actually ask them!) You spend time choosing a present for a child, hoping that they'll love it, post it to them.... and then nothing.

I don't love thanks via text or facebook but it's cool, does the trick.

Ps we are all still talking about thanks for children's presents aren't we?

hmc · 07/04/2011 23:27

Marx and Engles are long dead

Petit bourgeois - very passé.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 07/04/2011 23:38

Dead?

Wink
hmc · 07/04/2011 23:43

You took that well! I was being unreasonably chippy for no good reason Blush

cornsilkily · 07/04/2011 23:46

We didn't send them (Irish parents) although we frequently wrote letters to our relatives about life in general. I am Hmm at writing thank you letters being used as a way for children to develop their writing skills. How about encouraging children to write a letter that they actually want to write rather than following a prescribed format?

Watchingthebirdsflyby · 08/04/2011 04:03

I've always done them as I appreciate getting them back. I send my nieces and nephews (who live abroad) cards and presents and I have no idea if they have even arrived let alone what is thought of the card/present. Nothing is ever said and I feel that I shouldn't keep asking if they got them. I'm at the stage of not bothering to send anything now. As for parties, I think it's good for the children to spend a bit of time saying thankyou for what they received. I think it's important that they realise people took the time to provide for them so they should take the time to say thanks. I also think it's nice that the child either writes them themselves/writes their own name/does a little drawing/scrawl.. depending on their ability. It's the personal touch!

papooshka · 08/04/2011 07:41

Haven't read all through but, if we have opened the present in front of the giver and said thank you then we don't send cards.

But if presents are left at a party and not opened, then of course a thankyou is needed - either by card or email or text - just something to show that you got it and are thankful for it.

It really annoys me when I don't get a thankyou (card/email/text/voice), I think its really rude.

papooshka · 08/04/2011 07:43

Sorry but its not a class thing, I would say I was brought up working class, and was taught that its polite and rude not to say thankyou, so in the old days it was by letter/card but now I think its fine to be by email/text too.

NinkyNonker · 08/04/2011 08:11

Manners are definitely not a class thing, it is just good manners to say thank you somehow. Face to face ideally, phone, text, email, sky bloody writing, or heaven forbid...a note. With my younger relatives (aunts, uncles etc on mother's side) I'll just phone or email. For my more elderly or old fashioned relatives (Grannies, or my dad's family) I send a card because it is more appropriate (to their age etc) and it is important thanks are given.

That is just manners, something that transcends class.

naughtymummy · 08/04/2011 08:15

ds was 7 last week, he emailed everyone we didn't see to say thank you, witha nice picture of him with gift. However one set of relative sent him a gift which literally fell to bits within 5 mins of being opened. Ds is understandably pissed off , what should we do ? Make him write, despite the fact it was a total washout? Ignore the whole thing, or tell them so they know not to get the same gift for another child ?

pinkhyena · 08/04/2011 08:55

Hmm it's never occurred to me to do that for a normal birthday party. I do if its a big occassion and I haven't been able to see people (wedding, when DS was born etc) plus I think its nice to get something in the post that isn't a bill lol. But I agree with the others if you've made a point of thanking them in person a card would be a bit OTT.

NinkyNonker · 08/04/2011 08:59

You should still say thank you naughtymummy, obviously Hmm. It isn't their fault it broke. I can't believe you would query that.

Original poster
whethergirl · 08/04/2011 12:40

naughtymummy, take a pic of your ds with the broken toy, crying his eyes out. Then write "Thanks a bunch!" They can read into it what they want to. Grin

OP posts:
secretsquirrel1 · 08/04/2011 14:35

What on earth has class got to do with Thankyou letters?

It is not pretentious, wanky or any other type of derisory comment that has been posted so far.

It is basic good manners to write a Thankyou letter.

My DD is only 7 but she has always hand written a little note...just to say Thankyou for (whatever the gift was) and thanking (the friend) for coming to the party. Just a couple of sentences. She does this even if she opens the present at the time - it helps her to connect (with) who has given her what.

When adult relatives/friends have gone to the trouble of posting presents to her it is doubly important that she writes to thank them; the sender also knows that the gift has arrived.

Unfortunately, everyone these days appear to be far too busy to make time for Thankyou letters - yet a lot of kids can spend hours on DS's & computer games etc......Hmm

BTW, yes, I am very old (49), very last century and I certainly still write Thankyou letters! Grin

My grandma had the right idea when my nephews stopped writing to thank her/didn't even ring to say thankyou for presents that she'd sent. She let it go the first time, but after the second time, she just sent them a card and no present. They even asked 'where is my present?' to which she replied 'I haven't bothered to send one because for the past year you haven't bothered to thank me for the gift I sent you'....

altinkum · 08/04/2011 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 08/04/2011 14:41

Grin hmc I'm not entirely sure what came over me then, either.

I wonder if the ruling class do send thank you cards though. I bet they don't. Or maybe their staff do it for them.

Are there any aristos on MN?

spongefingerssavedmylife · 08/04/2011 15:04

I agree with watchingbirds fly.
Thank you card / letter is essential!
Only reason for not doing it is sheer laziness/thinking the world revolves around you.
Have yet to experience it not being done though.

niceday · 08/04/2011 15:18

I'm totally ignorant on the etiquette unfortunately :(
Do I need to send a "you're welcome card" once I get my Thank you one?

And once I get the u r welcome card - do I reply with "oh how very nice of you to send me the U R welcome card?

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