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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm their bloody aunt?

227 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Committed, but unmarried. Unlikely to marry. Don't wish to marry. We have a daughter of 4.5 years.

Partner's sister and her husband have together 8 years, married for 5. It's the second marriage for each party. They have a son of 2 years and newborn daughter.

We are very friendly and see each other at least once a week. We babysit for each other and our daughter calls them Aunty X and Uncle Z. I love my niece and nephew very much.

Their son is beginning to talk. He has been instructed to call us Uncle A and First Name. I am apparently 'not really an Aunty' because I am 'only a girlfriend'.

I'm hurt, to be honest. AIBU to think their children should call me Aunty Scarlett and not just Scarlett? We're the only unmarried partnership in the whole extended family and sometimes just feel so bloody misunderstood.

OP posts:
ballstoit · 05/04/2011 13:58

Hmm, if legalities are the issue surely we'd all go round sayiing to mkost kids over the age of 8 whose parents arent married that they shouldnt call their biological father 'Dad'.

I think it's a sad state of affairs when a family singles Scarlet out because she has chosen not to marry her DP. When DNephew was born my sister discussed with my parents what they would like to be called out of the many grandparent title choices. If there was any doubt about what you wanted to be called surely they would have just asked Confused.

I would just say that I'd been ticking this over and would like them to use the title Aunt, then take it from there.

ValiumSoltera · 05/04/2011 14:40

You sound like a very cold person ladysybil.

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 14:46

I haven't made a big deal out of not being married. I don't care about my marital status much at all. I mentioned my marital status as it was kind of essential to the post.

I am a legal part of my partner's family. I have legal recognition. I am my partner's legal next of kin and he is mine. I would be the legal guardian of these children in the event of their parents' death.

I have many, many 'legal bits of paper'.

OP posts:
ValiumSoltera · 05/04/2011 14:50

The focus on 'legal' is a load of nasty shite though MsScarlet. It's a licence to be nasty to you on this thread and it's the same distorted mindset motivating your sil & bil.

Aunt/niece shouldn't be about legality for god's sake! it's about remembering her birthday and knowing that she hates tomatoes and loves anything to do with hannah montana. that kind of thing makes an aunt.

rustygate · 05/04/2011 15:00

Hear, hear Valium!

hocuspontas · 05/04/2011 16:03

I'm getting bamboozled by 'beliefs' now. How can her witholding a courtesy title from a niece's mother be a 'belief'? Shock

I very rarely get het up over threads but this is getting under my skin!

hocuspontas · 05/04/2011 16:04

'... from her niece's mother...'

whydididothat · 05/04/2011 16:12

'I have many, many 'legal bits of paper'.
Except a marriage certificate !! Grin

ladyintheradiator · 05/04/2011 16:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 16:48

Well I haven't spoken to them about it so I've not pressed anything on anyone, astonishingly rudely or otherwise.

I will bring it up next time we see them though. Nicely.

A marriage certificate is far less commitment than all the legal ties I have in place in my relationship, and in our relationships with our families.

OP posts:
ladysybil · 05/04/2011 17:26

scarlett, once again you are making a huge deal out of your situation and your choices. every post you state why what you have done is so right

why are you more important than them?

yes, i still think that they are confusing their children by insisting you are not to be called aunt. but, i think that you are being quite unreasonable as well. If my sil tried to force her own beliefs down my throat, then i would dislike her immensely. not for her beliefs, she has a right to those, but for forcing me to comply with them. and thats exactly what you are doing.

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 18:03

It is not a belief. I don't have any 'beliefs' as such surrounding the issue.

I am also not forcing anyone to comply with anything. I have not even spoken to them about it yet, and when I do it will be in the spirit of open discussion - as many here have said it may be genuine mistake or caution. I have taken those posters' warnings on board.

I am not more important than them. But I am certainly not inferior. Just different in one, tiny, inconsequential way.

OP posts:
ladysybil · 05/04/2011 18:20

your op, and almost every post has been about your beliefs regarding marriage, and how you think it is unnecessary. your belief that by organising other documents to ensure you legal connection to your dp, you should gain the extras that the legality of a marriage certificate gives you. If thats not belief, then i dont know what is.

this entire thread is about you wanting your beliefs about marriage, or not, to be given more importance than those of the childs parents. you may not have spoken to them about it, but youve spoken to all of us about it.

trouble is that none of this is what is important. for you to have a good close bond of love and mutual respect is the main point.

SauvignonBlanche · 05/04/2011 18:31

My DSis did the same to another DSis who lived with her partner for 10 years, her children call my DH 'Uncle' but not my other Dsis' DP.

Lonnie · 05/04/2011 18:31

i have read to page 5 and I am likely going to make myself unpopular here but this is my decision

My children call my sister for auntie and my dh's sister for auntie.
they call my brother for uncle and my dhs brother for uncle and they call my dhs' sisters (my sil but for point of biology here) dh for uncle as well. He has been around since before they were born.
They do not call my brothers non married longterm girlfriend for auntie. She has not displayed much interest in their life doesnt really care and for me that means she doesnt get that title.
They do not call my bil (dh's brothers) girlfriend for auntie (there has been 3 over the last 13 years)

They do however call a variety of our close friends (and godparents of our 4 children) and their partners for auntie and uncle because they bothered to get involved with their life and showed an interest.
My sisters x did not get call uncle he was not interested and didnt attempt to have a relationship with them

For me in the case the op describes I would likely have used auntie as she is clearly invovled in their life but at the same time I have chosen to do exactly the same thing she is complaining about. to me it is not the blood relation / marriage that is the decider as to if they get that tiltle it is the involvement the interest. They also call my aunts for auntie because they hear me call them I was blessed to grow up around 8 sets of uncles and aunties btw.

My sister in law (dh's sister) 's two boys do not call me for auntie. I am married to their biological uncle but I have never been given that title they call me by my name. my brother in laws (dhs brother) 2 boys also use my name. My sisters daughter calls me by my name but if she mentions me to others she will say " she is my aunt" she acknowledges the relationship I belive my sister in laws 2 boys will too (their oldest was 4 when I met their uncle and youngest was born 1 month after we met so I have alwasy been around in his life) I do not think bils 2 boys ever would intrduce me as their aunt I have met them a handful of times through out their life and we have alwyas lvied fairly f ar apar.

I have never called my youngest aunt's dh for uncle nor my youngest uncles dw for aunt. But I have noticed theese days if I explain whom they are to any I will say " my aunt / my uncle" but I can remember the girlfriends/boyfriends before theese two people came into their lives so for me they never got that title even though I called my other uncle and aunts partners for aunt/uncle.

Complex. to be honest op I think i would tell them outright this is hurtful to you and see what they say. Do not however assume it is a deliberate attempt to shun you they may simply feel it is a title that should only be given if marriage/biological tie is there and then just as you wish them to accept you do not wish to marry you have to accept they have a different view to what that means.

ValiumSoltera · 05/04/2011 18:36

Your OP was about being hurt that your niecce and nephew have basically been told you're not their aunt. That is a normal human reaction.

Ladysybil is the one forcing her views here; that only marriage makes you an aunt, and that you are picking the pits of being an aunt that you like despite not being married. huh? Well who says being an aunt is a privilege of marriage? All this legal talk wrt being an aunt to two small children is really chilling and pompous.

LadySybil, not only do you sound a cold fish, but you're odd and you can't see that you're the one forcing your views on OP.

ladyintheradiator · 05/04/2011 18:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValiumSoltera · 05/04/2011 18:38

yeah!?

is it because it really does offend ladysibil personally I wonder, or is it because it's AIBU and it's fun to upset somebody especially when they're already a bit upset.

ladysybil · 05/04/2011 18:54

not at all. first rule of survival on mumsnet is to never take anything personally. and ladies, dont do personal attacks either. its not nice, and its not friendly, and its not mn.

I am commenting only on what the op has written herself.

ladysybil · 05/04/2011 18:56

valium, i am giving the flip side of the op views to her. try not to bully someone who doesnt agree with you, and has the courage to give the opposing argument.

either way, it matters not a jot.

pongonperdy · 05/04/2011 19:02

My DH's brother has a son. To be honest i dont feel as much of an aunty as he does an uncle. I on the other hand feel more of an aunty to my brothers children. Silly i know to feel differently. I guess i feel like i am their aunt by marriage. Some people still believe that marriage is preferable and that is their opinion. Technically you cant have a MIL or FIL if you are not married so i guess the same applies to aunty and uncles.

However that said i think they were not very tactful and it would not hurt them to call you aunty.

Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 19:10

I feel like I'm going in circles.

The fact of not being married was essential to my OP.

I then received a host of comments about aunts/uncles etc which were mostly helpful, whether they said I was YABU or not.

After that I began to be questioned on my decision not to marry, and asked all sorts about the legalities and technicalities of my relationship.

I responded to those comments with brief facts saying I was happy and protected, thank you.

Yet the comments persisted.

And so I continue to defend myself.

That is all. I am happy with my relationship and actually don't think the fact of being umarried was the crux of my OP - essential yes, the whole point, no.

I certainly have no ulterior motives or bizarre anti-marriage 'beliefs'.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 05/04/2011 19:28

I should ignore it all! Merely continue to call yourself aunty, or DP knock off the uncle. If you ignore people-don't get drawn into discussion-pretend not to understand-there is nothing they can do!

inchoccyheaven · 05/04/2011 19:55

This topic has made me think about my own children and what they call relatives. They call my sis Auntie but don't call her husband uncle, they call my dh sis aunt but don't call her husband uncle, but they do call dh's brother and his wife uncle and aunt. It wasn't something I had thought about until now and my only explaination is that my sis and dh's sis got together and later married after my children were born, whereas dh's brother and wife were together and married before we had our children.

I am aunt to both my sis children and dh's brothers children and dh is uncle to both sets too, and again I wonder if it is because we were together and married before their children came along?? Not sure why it has been this way and hasn't been deliberate to call some uncle and some not, and as far as I know both men aren't bothered by it.

comixminx · 05/04/2011 20:27

I am absolutely staggered by the people here who are saying things like "wanting the trimmings of being in a married relationship without bring married", "having your cake and eating it", "why are you refusing to marry into the family". In what way is being called an aunt the standard trimmings of being married? (Especially as it's been cleared up above that this is a courtesy title in any case.)

I'm not married to DP, but there's no question that I've chosen to become a part of his family: we have a baby together and she has grandparents, uncles (DP's brothers), and aunts (a wife and a partner respectively) on that side of the family. Neither of his brothers have kids or are likely to, but if they did then I would expect to do aunt-y type things with them. I don't see what difference being married or not would make to that side of things.

However, I do feel it's potentially a bit different when it's your DBro/DSis' kid vs your DP/DH's brother or sister's kid - only potentially of course cos people don't necessarily get on well with their birth family. A lot depends on how much you do together as an extended family, but I'd not feel it was particularly odd to feel a bit closer to your parents' other grandchildren, the children of people you grew up with.

(I personally don't like calling people auntie or being called that, because it's not something we did when I was a kid, but I know I'm in the minority in the world generally about that.)