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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I'm their bloody aunt?

227 replies

MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 03/04/2011 21:10

My partner and I have been together 10 years. Committed, but unmarried. Unlikely to marry. Don't wish to marry. We have a daughter of 4.5 years.

Partner's sister and her husband have together 8 years, married for 5. It's the second marriage for each party. They have a son of 2 years and newborn daughter.

We are very friendly and see each other at least once a week. We babysit for each other and our daughter calls them Aunty X and Uncle Z. I love my niece and nephew very much.

Their son is beginning to talk. He has been instructed to call us Uncle A and First Name. I am apparently 'not really an Aunty' because I am 'only a girlfriend'.

I'm hurt, to be honest. AIBU to think their children should call me Aunty Scarlett and not just Scarlett? We're the only unmarried partnership in the whole extended family and sometimes just feel so bloody misunderstood.

OP posts:
Original poster
MsScarlettInTheLibrary · 05/04/2011 01:28

ladysybil - I am a legal part of the family.

fastedwina - I don't want to be married. Being married doesn't make you a Mrs any more than being married makes you an aunt! I understand the kids will drop it in time and am actually unfussed by the title. I'm fussed that they made such a hurtful distinction.

OP posts:
ladysybil · 05/04/2011 01:48

no youre not. not in that family, with those traditions and those values. the ones you have described them as having, and you ahve rejected

Dont misunderstand me. I am not phased by my friends not being married and their kids calling each other aunt uncle whatever. But you have made such a big deal about not signing the legal contract that makes you a member of that family. you cant then pick and choose what bits of it you are happy to have

ladyintheradiator · 05/04/2011 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hecate · 05/04/2011 07:44

How are you a legal part of your partner's family? You aren't. Not a legal part. Legal part would be if you were married. That would give you a legal 'tie' to his family. atm, you have no legal recognition.

I mean, without a will stating it, you aren't even his legal next of kin. If, god forbid, anything was to happen to him - his family would be his legal next of kin, not you. I mean, the kids you share would be, but for legal purposes, since they are minors...

I am NOT saying this is right, btw. (morally right) I certainly don't personally agree with it. But as far as I understand it, that is the law.

exoticfruits · 05/04/2011 08:02

I think that people who think 'it is just a piece of paper' don't realise, until a crisis, that it makes a big difference as to the next of kin. I remember my, now, SIL being very aggrieved when my mother was next of kin and she was frozen out. It wouldn't happen now, as she has the piece of paper and no one can freeze her out.
In the question of aunty I don't think it matters just refer to yourself as aunty if it matters-or I would just get DP to drop the uncle.

Okonomiyaki · 05/04/2011 08:14

YANBU. My Dsis and her partner aren't married but I make a point of calling him Uncle X because regardless he's part of the family!

Okonomiyaki · 05/04/2011 08:16

Bah, that was a bit nonsensical. I of course don't call him Uncle X myself, Confused just on behalf of my Ds (who is too young to say it himself yet).

Bucharest · 05/04/2011 08:19

Can I offer the opposite point of view? Also not married and never will be.
Dp has 5 brothers and sisters all with children of varying ages. They all suddenly, from the day I was formally introduced to them (dp and I had been together 7 yrs at that point) called me Aunty Bucharest.

I don't feel I am their aunty. I feel I am their uncle's partner (loathsome word though it is)

I also have 2 half-sisters who always send cards from their kids Aunty Bucharest. I don't feel I'm their Aunty either tbh...and certainly don't reciprocate with niece and nephew cards.

I can appreciate you want to be known as Aunty, I just don't think it's a big issue.

ladyintheradiator · 05/04/2011 08:20

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ValiumSoltera · 05/04/2011 08:50

msscarletinthelibrary, yeah, they will go to your funeral I presume?! you won't be 'just a girlfriend' so they can stay home. It is nuts. I can't believe people are saying such Barbara Cartland type things either, LadySybil "if you refuse to accept to be a legal part of the family then yabu to expect to be called an aunt. Its your choice not to get married. that means you have to take the good with the bad. In this family it seems that being married is important and if you cant accept that for yourself, thats fine, but forcing other people to conform to your beliefs isnt fine."

wow.

OP is not forcing her beliefs on anybody. They are by making a point. The normal natural sane thing to do would be call your cousin's mother and brother's partner 'aunt' Scarlett.

hecate · 05/04/2011 09:26

yes lady, I said without a will stating it. next of kin are responsible for funeral, estate, etc etc are they not?

God that's a morbid direction. sorry about that Grin. example of blood relationship interpretation of next of kin

I am no legal expert, and always happy to learn. I am ignorant of the law in this and just have in mind all the stories of partners being excluded from things after the tragic death of their partner on account of them not being next of kin (not blood relative and not married)

I have taken this to mean that the law does not recognise unmarried couples as each other's next of kin over blood relatives unless some other legal document says so and therefore by extension of that unmarried couples are not seen as legally part of each other's families.

It's all very confusing. Grin

And legally or not, auntie when you are the long term partner of uncle and have a child together and share a home is the right title if you want it. Again, like I said in my first post, I think they are Making A Point. And I think she should tell them straight.

ladyintheradiator · 05/04/2011 09:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hecate · 05/04/2011 09:56

phew. I thought you were having a go at me. [relieved]

I agree with you. I think they are making a point and I think that's crappy of them. If you can't open your arms and embrace as your family the person your son/nephew/whatever loves and has chosen to have children with, then you are a pretty shitty person.

ladysybil · 05/04/2011 09:58

valium, by asking to be called the aunt of the kids, she is forcing her beliefs on them

Ladyradiotor, in the original post, she spoke about not being married, and not wanting to be married. quite forcefully. thats the first place on this thread that she made it into a big deal.

personally, i think that the kids parents are being a bit oversensitive and confusing their children. Kids will acknowledge someone who loves them and just KNOW that they are an aunt or uncle. But i think they are simply making a point about raising their kids with their own beliefs, something they are allowed to do within the UN charter of human rights, and that of the child (althought i cant quote chapter and verse)

ladyintheradiator · 05/04/2011 09:59

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ladyintheradiator · 05/04/2011 10:02

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RevoltingPeasant · 05/04/2011 10:04

ladysybil I think the point is much less what the OP is called, and the (frankly) extremely rude and pissy reason that they gave.

Plus, iirc, they have her down as legal guardian to their DCs in the event of their own deaths. So they clearly do regard her as some sort of family.

Just... not quite close enough to be given a courtesy title.

I think it sucks. If I were the OP I wouldn't insist on 'Auntie Scarlett', but I would be tempted to say, 'In that case, it's Miss IntheLibrary, thanks very much....' I think teaching your DCs to call a grown-up by only their first name when that grown-up objects is very rude!!

E320 · 05/04/2011 10:07

My sister's children were expected to call their parents' friends aunty and uncle, which annoyed me as their only aunt, so they called me by my name. They called my H by his name, too. Neither of us had a problem with that.

fastedwina · 05/04/2011 10:52

E320 - why would that annoy you? It's just an affectionate term for close friends so the kids don't have to say Mrs So and So and Mr So and So.

paddypoopants · 05/04/2011 11:03

YANBU obviously - they are being really mean and I'm not surprised you're hurt, I would be. Whats your dp going to do about it - they're his relations?

Why don't you name change to Auntyscarlettinthelibrary and then I will happily call you aunty and as far as I am aware I am not related to you by marriage or otherwise and I don't care.

everlong · 05/04/2011 11:18

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rustygate · 05/04/2011 11:25

Just to chip in (and no doubt kill the thread) but as there has been so much mention of "blood" relatives, I wanted to point out that adopted children are given the same legal status as "blood" relatives so they have the same rights under the rules of intestacy.

ladysybil · 05/04/2011 13:22

ladyradiator and rp, your making fun of me because i think the parents have a right to teach their children their own beliefs and moral code? thats not very mn of you. and, yes, that right is laid down by the charter of human rights by the UN.

there is nothing about annoying aunts starting threads about their dp's families and having a good bitch about them. because basically, thats what this thread is. If the op has a problem, then deal with it. dont expect the world to change because she wants her opinions and beliefs to supersede those of others.

ladysybil · 05/04/2011 13:23

rusty, adopted children have the legal bit of paper that the op refuses to get. fine if she doesnt want it, but, why enforce her beliefs on everyone else?

thefirstMrsDeVere · 05/04/2011 13:34

Aunt is used as a polite term of reference in my family too. Familiar adults are always called Auntie and Uncle.

My sister and brother's families dont do this and my sister thinks it is weird.

I dont and nor does my OH. My OH is West Indian so would always refer to adults (as a child) and Auntie, Uncle or Mr and Mrs.

I dont see the problem but its not for everyone. I dont understand why it would be annoying.
I know some people think its a bit common working class though Grin