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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very pissed off about this and wonder where it will lead?

152 replies

totallyfuckedoff · 03/04/2011 19:23

Was invited to my sister's for Mothers Day, along with my mother and my 2DC.
Everything was lovely, food was lovely, mother got lots of lovely presents.

After the lovely lunch, just as everyone was relaxing watching tv chatting, I asked my eldest DC to take my mug into the kitchen since he was already going that way. He refused, so in a jokey way, I said 'Oooh, I'll have to think of a suitable punishment for when you get home.'
My niece (7yrs) suggested I could make DS do some cleaning. Grin
DS visibly tensed at this, and explained to niece that he 'already does some cleaning and only because he has to, so your suggestion is so not funny.'
Niece then whispers very loudly that I should throw DS out in the cold for one night.
I said I didn't think DS would like this, at which point DS said to me 'You just try it, just try it once and see what happens!!' Shock

I said 'That's enough, stop being silly DS, it's just a bit of banter.'

At this point, my nephew strides into the room, turns directly to me and says 'I'm sick of hearing you and DS arguing in my house every couple of months, and if you hadn't noticed, that lady in the garden is your MOTHER and if you also hadn't noticed, it is Mothers Day, so I suggest you either shut up right now or leave the house, because I don't want to hear your arguing anymore.'

I stood up and said I'd leave then. Sad

DS refused to leave with me, so left him there.

I am speechless, shocked and don't know what to do next.

Perhaps I should mention that nephew is 16, DS is 19 and I am almost 40, and I have issue with a 16 year old speaking to me so aggressively and being humiliated in front of DS, and other younger nephews.

DS and I have a difficult relationship because DS contributes very little in the way of time/effort/financially towards our home, argues about being given any small jobs to do, and pulls a murderous face every single time he is asked to do anything. DS has very little respect for me or his sister, if any at all.

WWYD in this situation? AIBU to be pissed off at being spoken to this way by my nephew? And if IANBU, What can I do to prevent it happening again?
Starting to feel like no one has any respect for me. Sad

OP posts:
cath476 · 03/04/2011 19:26

19????!!!! I thought you were going to say about 10! It's about time your ds grew up! As for your nephew, what did your sister have to say about her son's rudeness?

Flowerpotmummy · 03/04/2011 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 19:27

stop doing anything....anything at all for your ds.....he can shape up or ship out!!

your nepew....is there any truth in what he's saying? sounds like he has a grievance which he had bottled up

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 19:28

sorry your day has been ruined btw!

twinkytonk · 03/04/2011 19:31

I thought you'd say he was 10 aswell but 19 Shock I think he needs to grow up! Stropping around like a little boy at 19 is not a clever thing to do!

Eglu · 03/04/2011 19:32

Your DS sounds like he needs to grow up.

As for your nephew, you should not have let him speak to you like that, and should have pulled him up on it at the time.

lalalonglegs · 03/04/2011 19:32

It sounds as if your nephew is parroting something that his parents/other adults have said. Do you argue with you son all the time?

CarGirl · 03/04/2011 19:32

I think your nephew hasn't finished learning the right time and place for saying something but he is only 16.

However it does sound like he has a point?

Your son is an adult and need to behave like one, he does sound like a young teen in your post!

Sorry you had a horrible mothers day.

pantaloons · 03/04/2011 19:33

Blimey, I thought you were going to say young teenager, not a grown man. I was married with a mortgage by 19!

Personally I would let your DS get on with it unless he is prepared to contribute to the household either financially or with his time/effort.

Not sure about your Nephew really. Perhaps he felt justified, or has been told a few tales by your ds? But either way his attitude stunk and his Mum should tell him so.

Sorry your day was spoilt, good luck with sorting it out.

TheVisitor · 03/04/2011 19:34

I don't think that your DS should be speaking to a 7 year old girl in that aggressive manner. He needs to act like the adult he is, not a stroppy child. I am of the opinion that your nephew may have had a point.

Bogeyface · 03/04/2011 19:34

I would stop cooking, washing and cleaning for him for a start.

My eldest is 20 and he resents the jobs he has to do, but he does them because he knows it is that or he finds himself somewhere else to live! He knows he has a bloody good deal here.

Words need to be said, especially about his "Just try it" comment. It is YOUR house not his, and if he doesnt respect his family or his home then he can find another one. there is no way at all I would be taking that crap from him.

and I would be having a word with your sister too about the appalling way your nephew spoke to you. That is not on at all. I wouldnt have left, I would have spoken up about it at the time. ARe him and your DS close? So your DS could have been slagging you off to your nephew, hence him kicking off at you.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 03/04/2011 19:35

You have a problem with your DN talking to you like that? Hmm Your priorities are up your arse, sort out the way your own son talks to you and stop arguing in other peoples houses.

BeakerTheMuppetMuppet · 03/04/2011 19:38

If my DN spoke to me like that I'd be bloody embarrassed and wonder if there was any truth in it?

I have 'banter' with my older kids that does sound like bickering to 'outsiders'...but this is kept at home. Not in company.

Your DS needs to treat you with more respect, sort him out before pointing the finger at your nephew.

louloudia · 03/04/2011 19:47

why didnt you just laugh and say wind your neck in, we are having a joke

beesimo · 03/04/2011 19:48

The trouble here is that what you see as banter and maybe a bit of bickering is actally rude and boring through other peoples eyes. I expect you DN thought me Mams bent over backwards cooking ect for everyone and trying to give me DG a lovely day and theres them two yammering on like a old married couple.

I thimk DN has probably said what everybody else was thinking I wouldn't be very happy about being corrected in my behaviour by a 16 year old but on reflection would take this as a wake up call.

I think the reason you have taken it to heart is you know he's right, learn from it alter you relatonship with DS as needed, it might be the kick up the bum you need to realise DS is a adult now and stop treating him/letting him behave like a very over indulged young lad

MigratingCoconuts · 03/04/2011 19:53

Sad I'm sorry too that you had a crappy day but I would agree with others. Things I think you should consider are:

chuck your son out or charge him rent.

Sit down with your nephew and his parent (your sis or bro??) and have a calm conversation about what happened and why he feels like that.

think about what they have to say and if there is any truth in it.

Apologise to your mum.

Original poster
totallyfuckedoff · 03/04/2011 19:56

My sister was in the garden at the time with my mother. I was watching the other DC's in the living room where they were watching television.

I said Goodbye to everyone, went into the garden to wish my mother a happy mothers day, and said I was going. My sister and my mother asked me what had happened, but I said 'Nothing' because I am a total wimp. I didn't want an argument between anyone in the house and just felt so uncomfortable at the time that I just wanted to leave. My sister went to speak to my nephew just as I was getting my coat on, I didn't listen to what was being said, but she went straight to my nephew to find out. Incidentally, my nephew had vanished upstairs after his outburst.
This is not the first time this has happened. My nephew did the same sort of thing the other week when again I did nothing.
My nephew was discussing the possibility of discrimination between the sexes wrt being paid different salaries for doing the same job. Nephew was adamant that because of an EU ruling which says both sexes must be paid the same salary for doing the same job, it is not possible to discriminate.

I said I have known of 2 people to do the same job but given different job titles, ie: one person is a 'charge hand' and another doing the same job is a 'supervisor', and as such, they are paid different salaries. I explained this was some time ago, so am not sure if it can still be done, at which point, in front of everyone, nephew said 'You do not know what you're talking about, you're talking shit, I suggest if you wish to debate with me, you go away, out of my sight, and read up on the EU directive associated with equality in the workplace and come back to me when you don't talk shit!!' Nephew then flounced off out of the room.

No one said anything. A deathly silence came over the room, until someone changed the subject completely.

DS is very hard work. He has come home now and acted like nothing was wrong. I asked him to leave me alone because I am very disappointed in his attitude again. He has disappeared up to his room, where he will probably remain all night and most of the day tomorrow, only emerging for food or to go out with friends. Sad He will do nothing to contribute to household chores tomorrow because it is his day off, and as such, that means a whole day of laying in his room watching movies, unless I ask him to help with anything, at which point he'll pull a face and huff and puff the whole time.

OP posts:
sayithowitis · 03/04/2011 19:56

If the 'discussion' between you and your DS was loud enough to be heard from outside the room, it sounds as though it was rather more serious than you have indicated. It sounds as though this was not the first time something like this had happened at your sister's house and tbh, I don't blame your nephew for telling you it is unacceptable. His age is, IMO, irrelevant. Your problem should be with your son who treats you with such a lack of respect in someone else's home, not with your nephew who was trying to stop you and your DS spoiling the day for his own mum and grandmother.

Eglu · 03/04/2011 19:59

Why does nobody stop your nephew from speaking to people like that? I would be expecting an apology from him. The first incident was even worse.

As for your DS, you need to get him to grow up or ship out.

FudgeGirl · 03/04/2011 20:00

Your nephew was out of line - but right by the sounds of it. You're all having a nice day and it sounds like - yet again - your son spoiled it all by bickering with you.

He was probably wrong to say it, but no doubt he and others are sick of the way he speaks to you and the time you spend together as a family descending into arguments.

In fact, I have to say, I quite admire your nephew for having the bollocks to say what other people have probably said behind your back or what they were thinking! Lacking in tact, but it sounds like it was the truth.

I cannot believe that your son is 19 and you allow him to live like this, disrespecting you and not helping out. I seriously thought you were going to say he was a young teen.

heliumballoons · 03/04/2011 20:02

I too was Shock to find out your DS is 19. Its sounds like the same conversations my DS and friends DD have (6&7 yo). Usually one will refure the request and the other will take it up melodramatically for the praise of the one having done it. Grin Your DS wants respect he has to give it to you as well I'm afraid. Hes an adult now.

I agree don't doing anything for him - he'll soon realise his few jobs are just that.

But otoh your DN sounds like his own heads stuck firmly up his arse and should learn to wind his neck in before critizing others.

Original poster
totallyfuckedoff · 03/04/2011 20:02

The discussion couldn't be heard outside the room, which was why everyone was wondering why I was 'suddenly' leaving. Sister had made coffee for everyone and was taking mothers coffee out to her in the garden so it was odd to decide yes I'll have coffee, then leave before I had drunk it IYSWIM.

Not sure how else I could have responded to DS apart from to play it down and say 'Don't be silly.' which is what I did. Confused

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 03/04/2011 20:04

chuck him out!!!

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 20:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
totallyfuckedoff · 03/04/2011 20:06

If DS was so wrong to speak to me this way, why did my nephew turn his back on DS and direct his speech at me? DS and I were sitting opposite each other. Why not direct it at DS or even at both of us?

OP posts: