to be very pissed off about this and wonder where it will lead?

[totallyfuckedoff]

Was invited to my sister's for Mothers Day, along with my mother and my 2DC.
Everything was lovely, food was lovely, mother got lots of lovely presents.

After the lovely lunch, just as everyone was relaxing watching tv chatting, I asked my eldest DC to take my mug into the kitchen since he was already going that way. He refused, so in a jokey way, I said 'Oooh, I'll have to think of a suitable punishment for when you get home.'
My niece (7yrs) suggested I could make DS do some cleaning.
DS visibly tensed at this, and explained to niece that he 'already does some cleaning and only because he has to, so your suggestion is so not funny.'
Niece then whispers very loudly that I should throw DS out in the cold for one night.
I said I didn't think DS would like this, at which point DS said to me 'You just try it, just try it once and see what happens!!'

I said 'That's enough, stop being silly DS, it's just a bit of banter.'

At this point, my nephew strides into the room, turns directly to me and says 'I'm sick of hearing you and DS arguing in my house every couple of months, and if you hadn't noticed, that lady in the garden is your MOTHER and if you also hadn't noticed, it is Mothers Day, so I suggest you either shut up right now or leave the house, because I don't want to hear your arguing anymore.'

I stood up and said I'd leave then.

DS refused to leave with me, so left him there.

I am speechless, shocked and don't know what to do next.

Perhaps I should mention that nephew is 16, DS is 19 and I am almost 40, and I have issue with a 16 year old speaking to me so aggressively and being humiliated in front of DS, and other younger nephews.

DS and I have a difficult relationship because DS contributes very little in the way of time/effort/financially towards our home, argues about being given any small jobs to do, and pulls a murderous face every single time he is asked to do anything. DS has very little respect for me or his sister, if any at all.

WWYD in this situation? AIBU to be pissed off at being spoken to this way by my nephew? And if IANBU, What can I do to prevent it happening again?
Starting to feel like no one has any respect for me.

Thank you Karmabeliever.

DS reasons this is okay because 'You are used to it Mum. You have had years to get used to it.' I suggested that perhaps if he practised, he would get used to it too and I thought practise was a very good idea.

DS unsurprisingly disagreed.

He will help, but needs to be asked constantly and then there is the inevitable moaning and groaning and debating about it.

OP, are you trying to talk yourself out of showing him the door by listing what he will do (albeit with the total absence of grace)? Because I would imagine that putting you through the palaver each time you ask (and you really shouldn't have to ask) puts you off asking, so he still doesn't do as much as he should.

IT IS IN HIS BEST INTERESTS AS WELL AS YOURS THAT YOU PUT A STOP TO THIS BEHAVIOUR, AND THAT'S ONLY GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN HE LIVES INDEPENDENTLY.

As per my previous post and then add "and no complaints. I dont want you lurking around with a face like a smacked arse."

I agree Changing2011.

Norksaremessy, This is exactly the problem, DS's attitude.
I'm not sure if he does know if he is being unkind/selfish/unfair. I have told him many many times that it is selfish/unkind/unfair to expect others to do so much for him with very little return, but he always argues the point.
He has a long long list of excuses and justifications as to why its different for him.
I have no idea how he relates to his friends, since he doesn't invite them to the house, but rather goes out to see them, but he tells me he is very kind and considerate to his friends, although he refuses to discuss any further, wont give any examples.
As for family, he has had me and my mother running circles around him. He is rather surly with family if he feels they are critisizing (sp) him. He regularly says he can't take any critisicm. (Doesn't stop me from pulling him up on things, though I suspect that is his motive.)
He doesn't appear to have much respect, if any for his family.

Whereyouleftit, DS is moving out very soon. He is sorting out sharing a place with his best friend. His best friend is orchestrating this, and so DS will be gone soon enough, but that doesn't resolve his attitude towards me, although it will mean I am not living with it.

How much does your son earn?
You are sheltering him and treating him like a child. Taking a token amount for yourself, rather than coming up with a realistic cost of his living in the house isn't doing him any favours.
Some of the things he is saying sound a bit strange and almost obsessive. Have you wondered about that?

We cross posted, it he's moving out then his attitude to you may change once he realises what running a household really involves. When he gets fed up with the cost and responsibility don't just welcome him back will you?

Has your DS ever been assessed for asperger's syndrome?

The lack of empathy and issues over certain kinds of housework are ringing alarm bells for me.

I think your relationship will improve once he's moved out tbh.

DS is working p/t at the moment, and earns about £130 a week.

Which of the things he says do you think sound strange, almost obsessive? I haven't thought of that, no.

Darleneconnor, DS has always been thought to have aspergers syndrome since he was preschool age, but has never been tested for it. DS refuses to be diagnosed or tested for it now. I don't know much about it myself, but his lack of social skills and difficulty in organising himself, and make friends since he was a small child made teachers and his SENCO believe he is highly likely to have Aspergers syndrome.
He has been asked if he has Aspergers by college lecturers and even the police once before, because apparently he is a text book case. DS always laughs and says No. His teachers asked me because the first sign they noticed was his lack of eye contact when speaking to anyone. (me included)

Would this affect his behaviour that much?

Yes. Aspergers would affect him so much.

As this has been mentioned in relation to your son since he was at pre school can I very very strongly suggest that it would be in both your interests for you to read up on it as much as you can.

To be honest I find it astonishing that people have repeatedly talked to you about aspergers but you have never investigated it. Honestly, astonishing.

It would help you so much to understand his view of the world and even if he dismisses the 'label' then you could help him by understanding better how to approach him.

Why don't you post on sn and get some good resources to read up. If you are informed then you can help him and yourself.

You need to continue to give him clear and unemotional instructions about what is and what is not acceptable behaviour.

Could you write a 'jobs/chores' list and stick it on the wall?

I did that with my dss. They knew exactly what was expected and what the consequence was if they didn't do it. I was then able to maintain zero conversation about it and just refer them to the board as in
" no darling, I am not giving you a lift tonight as you haven't done no 3, 4 or7"

You could make rule 1 no complaining, moaning or whining.

You have my sympathy. Dealing with having to prod and repeat yourself to get basic co operation is bloody awful.

Well, that's it then. Are the rest of your family aware of this?

You both need to read up on it.

totallyfuckedoff

I've looked through your posts but can't see whether your ds does his own washing and ironing, does he? These are things he definitely should be responsible for and will have to do if he wants clean clothes.

I can understand him not wanting to do the dirty jobs as I used to be really funny about that sort of thing at that age but grew out of it once I'd moved out. Some of my friends waitressed but I couldn't bear the idea of handling the plates with the leftover food on them.

He now seems to understand that he is making up the shortfall in your housing benefit but can't he see that the bills would be less if he wasn't also there using electricity and having his room heated, etc? Also how about making his buy and cook his own food for a while so that he can see how much that really costs.

MorticiaAddams, DS does his own ironing. I do the washing because it is easier and more cost effective I find to stick it all in the same wash.

I have taken on board the rest of your post too.

I shall take a look over at the sn boards. DS doesn't appear to have empathy, no, and he is logical to the extreme.
I shall look into Aspergers syndrome and the behaviours associated with it.

Just a little update, I've had another chat with DS today.He has just gone out but has told me he will definitely be back to tidy up downstairs and help with the kitchen. This is an improvement for DS. Usually, he will just piss off out and not bother coming back or letting me know until I ask.
He also confirmed something to me while we were chatting, which was that he doesn't like to listen to my complaining because some of the time, it involves other people and I say nothing to them but complain to DS about it.

I need to direct my upset at the right people. This is something I feel I should work on.

My mother came over today, and I made another mistake.
I apologised to her if I caused a scene yesterday.
She said 'I have heard nephews side of the story and understandably, he is absolutely furious with you for arguing with DS in his house!!'
I then tried to say it wasn't really an argument, but my mother cut me short and said 'I am totally not interested!! You bring it all upon yourself anyway totallyfuckedoff, I don't want to hear what happened from your perspective, I've already heard what happened from nephew. You and DS were having a blazing row in the frontroom and terrified everyone in there with your shouting and screaming. I am just not interested. I don't want to know. Maybe you need to apologise to nephew. This is what I've told DS and now I'm telling you!! Apart from that, this happened yesterday, today is a new day, now forget about it, just make sure you and DS apologise to nephew for upsetting him so much'
I asked my mother if she had heard the arguing, and she said no, she hadn't heard anything apart from nephew suddenly shouting, but why would nephew lie?

My mother was sat not 6 feet away in the garden when this all happened, with the french doors wide open into the garden.

This has only confirmed to me that my mother does not give a shit how I feel, or how humiliated I was, only that she wants me to shut up and forget about it. This is how it usually is.

I feel quite sad that my mother seems to care so little about my feelings.

My mother has always put her GS's first before any of the women in the family. She dotes on her GS's far far more than her GD's.

I am really very sad at this episode. She has taken the word of a 16 year old without hearing the other side. She doesn't want to hear my side. I am clearly not very important to her.

This is where you needed to tell your mother to leave your house and that you most certainly will not be apologising to your nephew. It's not too late to let her know how angry and upset you are about her attitude. If she has email, then send her one telling her exactly what occurred at your sisters house. She may have refused to listen to you, but I'd stake money on her reading the whole email. Tell her that the way she spoke to you was rude and hurtful and if she does not apologise for this, you wish to have no more contact with her.

If she doesn't have email, then put it in a letter and send it recorded delivery, so you can be sure she gets it.

I think you will feel much better once you have expressed your side of things. Apart from anything else, your nephew should not be allowed to peddle this shit and get away with it.

You are not a child, but your mother is treating you like one and unless you come back with a response, she will always treat you like this.

Tbh, I think your life would be better if you saw less of her for a while, until you get stronger. This is a good way to start.

Contact your sister too, as she will have heard the same version of events and as a mother she will want to believe her child. You must wrestle back some control of this situation.

I am sorry you have another shitty day. Remember, they are at fault not you.

Do you have Aspergers?.

Maybe this has been answered (sorry have skimmed thread) but what did anybody do for you for Mothers day???

Pagwatch, good spot. Probably yours are the most useful posts on this thread.

OP, read up on Asperger's Syndrome.

with a mother like that I'm really not surprised why you have allowed people to treat you the way you do.

Def assertiveness course for you and yes perhaps read through aspergers thoroughly and see if it applies to you as well as your ds.

I am horrified at your mothers attitude tbh.

I'm glad that the conversation was constructive with your ds. Why don't you discuss with him what he thinks his version of events were versus your DNs and ask your ds what he thinks of DN lying. Perhaps he will put your mother right (or perhaps not?)

Thank you for your post again karmabeliever.

I have been reading up on some Aspergers information, and my DS does tend to have the symptoms. I would like to read some more information about Aspergers syndrome. If anyone has any links or can recommend any 'easy to read' information I would appreciate that very much.

pink4ever, I don't think I have Aspergers myself, although I have been told that Aspergers is passed down via the mother, although I don't know how true that is.

cerealqueen, Mothers Day was lovely (apart from the aforementioned). DS brought me flowers and chocolates and a card. He told me that my mother had sorted them out for him, but for a few minutes, I really believed he had got them for me from himself, and I was so chuffed.
My DD is very young, but she made me a keyring and a card at school.
I shall keep the keyring and cards in a box when I take them down. I am abit of a hoarder.

cargirl, Do you know how I go about signing up for an assertiveness course?

DS has only said he thinks DN was OTT in his outburst, but that he has done this before. DS said DN has had outbursts like this to his grandfather (after my sister fell out with grandfather), DS and me, and DN never apologises, and believes he is right and justified in his outbursts. DN has also told his grandfather and DS to leave his house, same as he did to me.

DS says he is not fussed about DN lying so long as it doesn't affect him and he is also not bothered because DN hasn't told his version of events to DS face to face.

No idea about assertiveness courses, google your local area and ask your gp?

I think your DN & Sister have bigger issues than your DS & you by the sounds of it.........................he sounds well horrible!

My sister and my mother asked me what had happened, but I said 'Nothing' (because I am a total wimp)

I stood up and said I'd leave then

My nephew did the same sort of thing the other week (when again I did nothing)

'You do not know what you're talking about, you're talking shit, I suggest if you wish to debate with me, you go away, out of my sight, and read up on the EU directive associated with equality in the workplace and come back to me when you don't talk shit!!' Nephew then flounced off out of the room. No one said anything

Why are you letting a 16yr old walk all over you? First off, his mother needs to know what is being said to you, by him & secondly, she needs to bloody do something about it!! If my daughter had sworn at my sister like that, she would be in a world of trouble! I don't care if what she said was right, it is completely disrespectful to adults & if he carries on like that, he is going to make himself very unpopular!!

Your ds needs to either start pulling his weight or leave. I would expect my daughters to be helping a lot in the house at that age, if they don't, they lose privileges! No more washing their clothes, no cooking their meals etc. I think you have pandered to him too long & you need to get tough. If you don't sort it, he will move his girlfriend in & you'll have him, her & their babies to look after!

Don't email your nephew. He is a child, and his parents need to deal with the way he behaved. I think engaging with him direct will give him the assumption that you see him as being on the same level as you, as an adult. He really isn't on the same level as you.

Tell his mum that he was highly disrespectful. He told you to leave & you felt ...intimidated (? maybe a better word than this, not sure) enough to do so. It wasn't the first time he has been rude to you. That you don't expect a 16yr old BOY (because that is what he is) to address you, his elder in such a manner. Tell her that this time, you don't feel the need to say anything to him (just really not to bring it all up again) but that in future, if he decides to engage with you on an adult level & no one (i.e her) does anything about it, you will treat him as such & tell him where to go.

DO NOT keep taking this crap from people. Would you allow a boyfriend to talk to you like that?

Get some balls & start treating people how they deserve to be treated!

Your mother is toxic, op. She obviously feels that men are far superior than women & so does your nephew (which is why he humiliated YOU in the lounge, not your son)

He is going to enter in to important relationships with a very damaged view of women. I wonder who he treats him mother behind closed doors? Because as I said, if my dc spoke to you the way he did (re the convo about equal pay etc) I would have whipped their arses, not gone silent! Sounds like she has raised a spoilt little lad there!

I wonder who how he treats him his mother behind closed doors?