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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be very pissed off about this and wonder where it will lead?

152 replies

totallyfuckedoff · 03/04/2011 19:23

Was invited to my sister's for Mothers Day, along with my mother and my 2DC.
Everything was lovely, food was lovely, mother got lots of lovely presents.

After the lovely lunch, just as everyone was relaxing watching tv chatting, I asked my eldest DC to take my mug into the kitchen since he was already going that way. He refused, so in a jokey way, I said 'Oooh, I'll have to think of a suitable punishment for when you get home.'
My niece (7yrs) suggested I could make DS do some cleaning. Grin
DS visibly tensed at this, and explained to niece that he 'already does some cleaning and only because he has to, so your suggestion is so not funny.'
Niece then whispers very loudly that I should throw DS out in the cold for one night.
I said I didn't think DS would like this, at which point DS said to me 'You just try it, just try it once and see what happens!!' Shock

I said 'That's enough, stop being silly DS, it's just a bit of banter.'

At this point, my nephew strides into the room, turns directly to me and says 'I'm sick of hearing you and DS arguing in my house every couple of months, and if you hadn't noticed, that lady in the garden is your MOTHER and if you also hadn't noticed, it is Mothers Day, so I suggest you either shut up right now or leave the house, because I don't want to hear your arguing anymore.'

I stood up and said I'd leave then. Sad

DS refused to leave with me, so left him there.

I am speechless, shocked and don't know what to do next.

Perhaps I should mention that nephew is 16, DS is 19 and I am almost 40, and I have issue with a 16 year old speaking to me so aggressively and being humiliated in front of DS, and other younger nephews.

DS and I have a difficult relationship because DS contributes very little in the way of time/effort/financially towards our home, argues about being given any small jobs to do, and pulls a murderous face every single time he is asked to do anything. DS has very little respect for me or his sister, if any at all.

WWYD in this situation? AIBU to be pissed off at being spoken to this way by my nephew? And if IANBU, What can I do to prevent it happening again?
Starting to feel like no one has any respect for me. Sad

OP posts:
StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 20:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CarGirl · 03/04/2011 20:11

Well your nephews attitude is not acceptable either - having heard about the other conversation there is clearly a lot of history.

If your DN speaks to you like that again I can only suggest that you have a rehearsed phrase such as "x you may disagree with me over this but the way you spoke to me was rude and inapropriate" I probably would have said something far more blunt and to the point tbh Blush

It does sound like you let everyone/anyone treat/speak to you as if you have no "backbone" and will take it without complaint?

With regards to your son I guess I would try and keep out of discussions with him in someone elses home but really his general attitude needs sorting asap.

ConstanceFelicity · 03/04/2011 20:11

You need to think about your DS in the long term. It isn't kind to let him mooch off you, because one day he'll get a huge shock when you're no longer there. I would sit him down and say that, from now on, he can either get a job and pay his way, or he can pay by doing most of the household chores. And do them with an appreciation of how lucky he is. Otherwise, he can get a flat and see how he likes it. I know how hard this will be, but it really is for the best. He is immature and spoilt and as his mother you have a responsibility to equip him for independence.

Your nephew sounds awful, but not much you can do there except to tell him that his reactions are unreasonable, disrespectful, and childish. I would, and I am the meekest of the meeks!

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/04/2011 20:11

I think you need to have a private conversation with your sister. Firstly, ask her to be honest about what she thinks of your DS and your relationship with him. Do you always bicker, how does it make her feel etc. Then raise what your nephew said. Ask her why he's talking to you like that. (I'm wondering if he's taking his lead from your son, tbh.)

Then there is your son. 19? Yes, he really needs to step up, doesn't he? As has already been said here, stop doing anything for him - he should, frankly, be able to do for himself by now. Laundry, meals, the lot. And he needs to either pay dig money of find himself an independent place.

beesimo · 03/04/2011 20:11

Listen to the message OP don't shoot the messenger!

FuppyGish · 03/04/2011 20:12

Your DN spoke like that to you and swore and no one did anything?? Shock

This, especially the first incident, is insane! You can't talk to anyone like that let alone an older family member. He sounds a nasty piece of work.

As for your son, draw up some ground rules and he either abides by them or fucks off.

Skinit · 03/04/2011 20:12

You need to start guffawing at the little idiot. He's been alowed to believe he's above everyone by the sound of it...dont change your visiting habits...dont mention it to anyone....if he thinks he can take adults on in an adult arena he'll have to deal with what that entails.

Have a debate with him and wipe the floor with the little shit. ...or laugh at him and shake your head knowingly.

Goodynuff · 03/04/2011 20:14

It sounds like it is time to push the chick from the nest! Shock
Your son is old enough to fend for himself, and should be actively stepping up to take his place in the world of adults. He needs to know that he will have to contribute if he wishes to continue to share a house with you. He would have to if he lived anywhere else, this is not an unreasonable qualification.
As to the nephew, appologize for bringing a bad atmosphere around, let him know you are actively working on it, and make sure he knows that you are owed an appology for the way he has been speaking to you. Regardless of wether or not he agrees with your viewpoints, or your facts, that is not an acceptable way to speak to someone.

herbietea · 03/04/2011 20:16

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Hulababy · 03/04/2011 20:18

Sounds like both your DS and your nephew haven't learnt any form of respect yet, Both have behaved unacceptably and both on more than one occasion.

I would make your nephew knew his behaviour was rude and then I would avoid him until he coud learn to speak more politely to his auntie.

And your DS needs to learn to pull his weight and act like the grown man he is, not like a pertulant pre teen.

marmaladetwatkins · 03/04/2011 20:23

Honestly and I say this with kindness, grow a fucking backbone. Your son sounds like he needs a kick up the arse and today sounds like the final straw and a relative had enough and snapped.

Tell him to shape up. From your OP, I thought he was about ten.

Original poster
totallyfuckedoff · 03/04/2011 20:23

I agree with you all about DS. He has a p/t job atm, and pays £25 a week towards his keep. He has complained loudly and persistently about this when at home. He will do household chores but makes a song and dance about it, and believes since it is my house, it should be my responsibility but I agree with you.

Cargirl, You have described me very well. Blush I find I seem to attract people who treat me this way. Sad Or maybe they attract me? Confused

OP posts:
TeddyMcardle · 03/04/2011 20:24

Why did you say nothing on both occasions OP? Next time your nephew speaks to you like that you need to say something.
Do you do the same thing with your son? You need to be more authoritative, he is an adult. He is your adult son living under your roof and if he doesn't like it he can go out into the real world.

TeddyMcardle · 03/04/2011 20:25

He thinks it should be your responsibility? Have you raised him to have no respect for women? What happens if his father asks him?

chocadoodle · 03/04/2011 20:26

Sorry you've had a horrible day.

I think I'd be more Shock about 19 year old DS's reaction to his 7 year old cousin's jokey remark.

I think the other poster's are right in that your nephew has probably heard others talking about your DS and he may have even been upset by the way DS reacted to his younger sister's suggestions. He may have been thinking he was defending her in a round about way as it does seem like your DS was pretty agressive in front of her. He may have aimed his anger at you as it might be felt within the family that you are responsible for DS's behaviour. I would also guess that not many 16 year old boys would pick a fight with a 19 year old man so it was easier for him to take out his frustration on you.

Where do you go from here? As other's suggested I think you need to set some boundaries with DS before things get even worse, he needs to know you're feeling miserable about it all and he needs to start taking you seriously.

I think you should also have an open conversation with your sister and find out her point of view, she may even be able to help.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/04/2011 20:30

I do NOT think you should be apologising to your nephew. You were a guest in his mothers house and he was incredibly rude to you. If my son spoke to my sister like that, I'd be mortified and would make him apologise. A child has no business being so rude to an adult relative.

Your son is taking the piss. Time for the lazy sod to move out and start seeing what real life is like, when you have to pay your own bills and clean your own house.

In your situation I would call my sister and tell her exactly what happened. The first time your nephew spoke to you like this, you should have knocked it on the head. If you continue to do nothing, people will continue to treat you like shit and walk all over you. You need to demand respect and common courtesy. You sister needs to deal with her horribly offensive son too.

beesimo · 03/04/2011 20:30

I am not asking this to be rude or nasty but our you and your DS on your own with your DCs. I wonder if there is a man anywhere in the family who could back you up. Both my lads went through a VERY brief period when they started back answering me when their Father wasn't about. We nipped it in the bud as my DH kicked their backsides for them.

It must be much harder if your on your own, are you a bit frightened of the lad? You can't let him get the upper hand with you OP don't let him think he is top dog in your house.

squeakytoy · 03/04/2011 20:31

Wow... if I had a 16yr old nephew with such an arrogant and rude gob on him, he would be put in his place sharpish. I would tell my sister exactly what I thought of her smart arsed brat.

As for your son, if it was banter, then fair enough, but if he was saying it with intent, I would tell him to fuck off and find a flat ASAP. He is an adult, and has no entitlement to live with you. If he doesnt appreciate you, then he should piss off and sort himself out.

Dozer · 03/04/2011 20:33

The key problem seems to be your DS. He is an adult and should be living in his own place or pulling his weight at your place financially and with the housework etc.

Sounds like he is pushing you around and rather than dealing with it assertively you are behaving like a doormat with him and focusing on other issues (e.g. your nephew) to avoid the main issue.

DS' behaviour, as you've described it, in the discussion at your SIL's house was not "silly" it was disrespectful and comes across as quite aggressive towards you and other members of the family.

Dozer · 03/04/2011 20:34

Your 7 year old niece's suggestions actually sound quite a good idea!

activate · 03/04/2011 20:34

you need to tell your sister what DN said to you and exactly why you left

as for your DS - I will bet he and DN facebook or text and they're constantly moaning about their parents to each other

Your DN sounds like an irritating know-it-all which is fine they all are but normally only to their own parents

he was out of order (DN) and DSIS needs to know

GreenEyesandHam · 03/04/2011 20:39

Listen love, you seriously need to start standing up for yourself.

Your son is taking the piss- arguing with a 7yr old girl FFS. My eldest is 12, and he wouldn't do that.

And your nephew is a precocious twat- you or someone needs to pull him up sharpish for his own good. Because out there in the big wide world, talk to someone like that and they'll wipe the floor with him

squeakytoy · 03/04/2011 20:39

I agree Dozer, the 7yr old sounds like the one with the most common sense, although she could end up as smart arsed as the nephew too in a few years. Grin..

Op, sometimes words from a grandparent can be very effective at getting through to teens with attitude. My own stepson was a complete git, but would actually listen to his gran and take notice. If your son has a decent relationship with your Mum, could she have a subtle word in his ear?

CarGirl · 03/04/2011 20:41

I guess I think you need to start demanding the respect you deserve. The boys aren't going to give it to you willingly as they've got away with it for far too long..........................

I would put the board and keep up - it must cost you way more than £25 to feed him and explain if he doesn't do the chores x y z that the board will go up further to cover the cost of someone else having to do them!

CoffeeDodger · 03/04/2011 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.