to be very pissed off about this and wonder where it will lead?

[totallyfuckedoff]

Was invited to my sister's for Mothers Day, along with my mother and my 2DC.
Everything was lovely, food was lovely, mother got lots of lovely presents.

After the lovely lunch, just as everyone was relaxing watching tv chatting, I asked my eldest DC to take my mug into the kitchen since he was already going that way. He refused, so in a jokey way, I said 'Oooh, I'll have to think of a suitable punishment for when you get home.'
My niece (7yrs) suggested I could make DS do some cleaning.
DS visibly tensed at this, and explained to niece that he 'already does some cleaning and only because he has to, so your suggestion is so not funny.'
Niece then whispers very loudly that I should throw DS out in the cold for one night.
I said I didn't think DS would like this, at which point DS said to me 'You just try it, just try it once and see what happens!!'

I said 'That's enough, stop being silly DS, it's just a bit of banter.'

At this point, my nephew strides into the room, turns directly to me and says 'I'm sick of hearing you and DS arguing in my house every couple of months, and if you hadn't noticed, that lady in the garden is your MOTHER and if you also hadn't noticed, it is Mothers Day, so I suggest you either shut up right now or leave the house, because I don't want to hear your arguing anymore.'

I stood up and said I'd leave then.

DS refused to leave with me, so left him there.

I am speechless, shocked and don't know what to do next.

Perhaps I should mention that nephew is 16, DS is 19 and I am almost 40, and I have issue with a 16 year old speaking to me so aggressively and being humiliated in front of DS, and other younger nephews.

DS and I have a difficult relationship because DS contributes very little in the way of time/effort/financially towards our home, argues about being given any small jobs to do, and pulls a murderous face every single time he is asked to do anything. DS has very little respect for me or his sister, if any at all.

WWYD in this situation? AIBU to be pissed off at being spoken to this way by my nephew? And if IANBU, What can I do to prevent it happening again?
Starting to feel like no one has any respect for me.

WRT DN's first comment, it seemed to me like there was history. My sister and her dp "banter" together (in their eyes) but the rest of us find it tedious, uncomfortable and mood-lowering. If she's called on it, apparently we lack a sense of humour because their back and forth Punch and Judy comments are hilarious to them, apparently (despit their tense faces). When I read his comment, I wondered if he was just saying what everyone was thinking.

Your DN's other comment was not acceptable but on the other hand, I'd let his parents deal with him while you sort your son.

Your son and nephew are both behaving incredibly disrespectfully but if you do not show them it's not ok they will never learn.

One of my friends had a similar problem with her DD (although she was only 14) so to avoid face to face conflict she wrote a list and left it in the kitchen of "things mothers do but will not continue with if not valued". This included washing, ironing, cleaning bedrooms, etc. She continued to shop and cook family meals but bought or made none of her daughter's favourite little extra treats. She also did the school run but no extra trips for after sport, forgotten kit, etc. The situation ersolved fairly quickly!

You need to think how these young men will treat girlfriends if they think it's ok to be that rude and dismissive of you. Not standing up to them is not doing them any favours in the long run

I am sure that the way people speak to each other, as a matter of course within immediate family, can be beyond tedious/irritating to those on the outside. You recall for us, word for word, the little exchange between yourself and your son today. But it does sound as though your dn and the rest of his family have heard the same or similar one too many times before, and they are fed up with it.

Anyone else thought maybe DNeices comment was the 7yo version of the DN (16). Maybe they have overheard others talking.

FWIW OP, I have a sister 3 years younger who is always right end of stubborn. She will pick an argument in a family setting with anyone for the sake of it. Me and my Dbro never retaliate but somehow always get drawn into 'are you arguing again?'. I say nothing as you know if you say 'no, not worth it/ no its her' it sounds like you are. No win situation.

Next time theres a family meal go and don't tell your DS - he's 19 he should be making his own arrangements.

Your son should definitely be contributing more. Does he know how far £25 goes?

Does he do his own washing and ironing as he certainly should be doing that and if his contribution financially is so low then he should also be helping out around the house.

It's hard to know what to say about your nephew as we don't know whether you do argue with your son there all the time and everyone is fed up with it but he is the one that is gobby enough to say something. Have you asked your Mum and sister whether they feel this way too?

I honestly don't see what age has got to do with it if you are behaving badly in their house then you are not earning his respect so why should he give it to you just because you are older than him.

If your son works and it is his day off tomorrow why should he spend that time doing anything other than what he does?

Assume he contributes if he works, if not more fool you.

Providing he clears up after himself Im not sure why you want him to do anything else.

He should be doing his own ironing. Taking the rubbish out if you don't have a partner, washing up after himself, but he shouldn't be clearing up after you or anybody else.

I am my own worst enemy.

To the posters who have asked about DS's father, I have been split from him for a long time. I don't want this to become an AIBU by stealth, but obviously there is alot of background to this.

To the poster who suggested talking to my mother about this, I am not comfortable to do that, mainly because mother adores DS and when it comes to the crunch, she would back DS rather than me. In fact. when I first attempted to 'clamp down' on DS, DS had just left school. As you can imagine, DS resisted this strongly. A little hoovering here and there while I worked a full time job then a part time job in the evenings was a little too much to ask of DS and he would phone my mother complaining. My mother would come to my house while I was working to do whatever chores DS had been asked to do. Mother denied this afterwards when I asked her, but it was obvious it was her.
After Mother had done DS's chores, she'd take DS to her house for a few days and I'd only find out when I returned home from my evening job.
I got so sick of DS running away every time I asked him to do anything, I told him and mother that the next time, he could stay with my mother who thought he was so wonderful and within days, DS had phoned mother to ask her to pick him up again after I asked him to make sure he scraped the leftover food from his plate so I could wash the dishes when I got home. This was too much effort for DS and he left.
I fell out with my mother for a year over this, because she refused to bring him home, and therefore enabled him to shirk any consequences.
After 2 years, mother had had enough of DS, claiming he was lazy and selfish and had a drink problem even though she bought him all the drink

DS promised to pull his socks up, and so I gave him another chance and he came home. I also mainly felt responsible for him, since he had no where else to go.
Now if I try to discuss any of this with my mother, she just says 'Didn't you realise he was just the same with me? Did you think he would be different with you? He was just like that with me, so now you know it wasn't my fault he was this way' Mother seems to want validation of some sort and mother has also said that although she doesn't want DS living with her again, she wont see him homeless. DS has stopped drinking so much since he came home and does help, just resents it massively. At mothers, she waits on him hand and foot and asks him for nothing, gives him money to go out every night drinking, and complains all the time about him.
Also my mother is disabled, and doesn't need the problems DS would bring if she were to put him up again.

Are you sure your mum is not just saying don't blame yourself as he was the same at hers?? It doesn't sound like she'd back him up it sounds like she has realsed why you let him go in the first place and she was a sucker to believe his sob stories.

Ask your mum what suggestions she has for you to deal with it - she may surprise you.

Fabbychic, It seems to me that DS wants me to do so much for him but resents doing anything for me.

DS point blank refuses to put rubbish out, wash dishes, scrape food off of dishes, including his own, or clean his own shit from the toilet. I will do these nasty jobs but I think DS should help in other ways to compensate IYSWIM.

DS does not clean the bathroom, peg out/bring in washing, load the washing machine, mow the lawn etc etc.

Surely as a member of the household, he should be able to see that some of these things are jobs which need doing regardless of whether there is one person or many people living on the house??

You could always suggest that he moves into a houseshare and then you could get a lodger in who would pay £70 per week plus bills

Your mother has undermined you and when she had enough of your sons behaviour (even though she enabled it) she passed him back to you. I think your mum and DS deserve each other. I think it's outrageous that she did his chores in your house.

First off, talk to your sister about her rude child.

Next, write a list of new rules for your son and put the board up. Tell him if he doesn't like it he is free to leave.

You cannot control the actions of your mother, but tell her that if she takes him in, on her own head be it.

You need to stop enabling everyone in your family to walk all over you. I'm really sorry OP, your family sound horrible and I think you sound very nice and deserve so much better than what you are getting.

Cargirl, It is times like these that I wish there was a like button on mn.

WRT to what your nephew said to you today, he has a point. It's not very nice to have guests bickering in your house, especially on a family day like Mother's Day. He said it in a very rude way and should definitely be pulled up on that, but I think his underlying message had a point.

However, what he said to you the other week about the equal pay directives was out of order and incredibly rude. Even if he was right, at 16 you should be able to have a debate with someone without resorting to swearing and shouting at them, FFS.

OMG, your son. I'm not going to spend ages repeating what everyone else has said, because everyone else has pretty much hit the nail on the head. Lose the attitude and start contributing more or get the hell out, needs to be the message.

Best of luck!

Well don't do his washing at all. don't cook for him. Put locks on food cupboard door if you need to!

Increase rent to cover paying a cleaner/gardner to cover his share of the mess?

Thank you for your lovely post Karmabeliever.

If I had one wish in my life, it would be that people respected other people without there being any need for anyone to have to 'stand up for themselves'. Alas, we don't live in a perfect world.

So your mum undermines you.

You son is lazy and disrespectful.

Your nephew is disrespectful.

Not one member of your family consider you important enough to pull up an odious and rude 16 year old when he is extremely disgusting to you.

There is a bigger problem behind all this.

As karma says stop enabling them all to treat you like this.

Is moving house an option?. Because I seriously would do it, and tell him that there is no place for him, he is a selfish adult who needs to learn to behave like one, pull his own weight, and treat people with respect.

What an awful family you are have. Sounds like the whole household is fed up of you are your DS. Get your priorities right and stop taking such an "the world owes me respect" attitude.

I only took £25 per week off of my son, I would refuse to take any more, children are not their for us to make money out of.

Nicdigby, I don't get your meaning. Respect for others should be the default, so everyone IS owed respect, surely?

Xales, Genuine question...How do I go about stopping enabling people to treat me this way? I seem to have terrible judgement when it comes to whats acceptable behaviour towards me and what isn't. Can their behaviour be justified? This is a question I ask myself alot when I'm standing there opening and closing my mouth like a goldfish, with no sound coming out when someone has been rude to me. I just don't find it wasy to stand up for myself because I always feel like I am being rude by doing so.
EG: If someone says to me ; Totallyfuckedoff, your house is fucking awful, why have you got those curtains and that carpet, it looks shit, it doesn't even match.' I just cringe. It feels rude to ask them not to 'be honest' to me. Isn't that what friends are for? To be relied upon for their honesty? If I ask them to leave, I am being shitty because I cant take the truth. (This actually happened a while back in my house)

Squeakytoy, I cannot move house atm for various reasons.

OP I feel the situation with your son has reached a point were you would both be better apart for a while. You have been the best mother you could be to that lad, yes I could nitpick your mistakes but the truth is we Mams are all guilty of letting our lads away with too much at times and unfortunately it can come back and bite you on the backside when their older.

I think the only way you will be able to have a worthwhile relationship in the future is for you to let go of feeling responsible for him from now on and help him to take responsibility for his own life.

All the best to you.

This is my last post on this thread as Im not famed for mincing my words.

You are trying to make your son into the man of the house, he isn't he is your son, a child irrespective of his age.

Why should he mow the lawn? If you want a man to do things get one, but don't put the responsibility of all the jobs onto your son, does he not work too?

He should be clearing up after himself, washing his bath out after use, clearing up his own shit, he doesn't have to clear up after you or any other siblings though. He should be making things easier for you by being a bit independant not relying on you.

That does not include jobs for others though.

Let him do his own washing, however I never let my son as it would have meant more loads, easier to wash all the coloureds together.

Why should he peg washing on the line unless it is his own?

Im sorry but with regards your son you expect too much. He isn't your slave.

Fabbychic, I don't make any money out of my DS. He costs me much much more than £25 per week.
I am not working atm and my HB/CTB was reduced because of DS working, so the whole £25 goes towards the shortfall in my HB/CTB. DS has even seen the bill, so he knows he is only paying the shortfall in HB/CTB.

I cover the cost of everything else and do 99.99% of the chores too.

If anything, DS has made money out of me.