to be very pissed off about this and wonder where it will lead?

[totallyfuckedoff]

Was invited to my sister's for Mothers Day, along with my mother and my 2DC.
Everything was lovely, food was lovely, mother got lots of lovely presents.

After the lovely lunch, just as everyone was relaxing watching tv chatting, I asked my eldest DC to take my mug into the kitchen since he was already going that way. He refused, so in a jokey way, I said 'Oooh, I'll have to think of a suitable punishment for when you get home.'
My niece (7yrs) suggested I could make DS do some cleaning.
DS visibly tensed at this, and explained to niece that he 'already does some cleaning and only because he has to, so your suggestion is so not funny.'
Niece then whispers very loudly that I should throw DS out in the cold for one night.
I said I didn't think DS would like this, at which point DS said to me 'You just try it, just try it once and see what happens!!'

I said 'That's enough, stop being silly DS, it's just a bit of banter.'

At this point, my nephew strides into the room, turns directly to me and says 'I'm sick of hearing you and DS arguing in my house every couple of months, and if you hadn't noticed, that lady in the garden is your MOTHER and if you also hadn't noticed, it is Mothers Day, so I suggest you either shut up right now or leave the house, because I don't want to hear your arguing anymore.'

I stood up and said I'd leave then.

DS refused to leave with me, so left him there.

I am speechless, shocked and don't know what to do next.

Perhaps I should mention that nephew is 16, DS is 19 and I am almost 40, and I have issue with a 16 year old speaking to me so aggressively and being humiliated in front of DS, and other younger nephews.

DS and I have a difficult relationship because DS contributes very little in the way of time/effort/financially towards our home, argues about being given any small jobs to do, and pulls a murderous face every single time he is asked to do anything. DS has very little respect for me or his sister, if any at all.

WWYD in this situation? AIBU to be pissed off at being spoken to this way by my nephew? And if IANBU, What can I do to prevent it happening again?
Starting to feel like no one has any respect for me.

Fabbychic you are fucking wrong

every member of a household should help in the family chores from as soon as they are able - household chores do not rest on the parents alone but on the family

If someone tells you your curtains and carpets looks shit, you tell them to fuck off. Seriously.

"If anything, DS has made money out of me."

Oh diddums. Fancy having to support your own son with help of lots of benefits.

This is what having a 19 year old son is like. Either step up to it, or get over it.

TBH your nephew sounds like the most sensible one of your family, he just hasn't learnt the tact yet that comes with getting older - I bet he is only expressing everyone else's views.

Get yourself on some kind of assertiveness course/training.

See what is out there that can help you break this cycle.

Tell them stop. You may have to run the risk that you lose contact with these people only you know if shitty treatment contact is better than no contact.

Go onto the relationship board and post on there plenty of cleverer people than me can point you in the right direction for help in changing things.

Who on earth has spoken to you like that? If somebody spoke about my house or ANYTHING to me like that they would not have the inconvenience of seeing it again. Life is too short to have toxic people in it. I am so sorry you are having such a miserable time, and you have some hard times ahead sorting this out. Wishing you strength and sending you support.

Fabbychic, My DS would agree wholeheartedly with you.

DS says he should only contribute exactly what he costs, that I should work it out as close to the penny as possible and then should only charge him whatever is not in my name, ie: nothing towards electric/gas/rent/CT/phone/internet. You see, all these things are legally in my name, so as far as DS is concerned, I should pay them all. wrt food, I should calculate exactly how much DS eats and charge him that, no more.

He also believes that if the house is legally my responsibility, then I should do all the chores, and he shouldn't have to clean anything that has possibly been touched by any other member of the family, ie: He wont empty his own bin if someone has put a wrapper in there.

What is frightening is that he says it makes no difference whether the house is in a parent or a partners name, the same rules apply. He still thinks that if he were to move in with a girlfriend and the house was in her name, she should do all these things too.
I am not surprised he thinks this way.

I think you need to treat your son as an adult. I was surprised too by his age, but more from how you spoke to him than the other way round. The arch comments to your niece - it's not the way to speak about another adult really.

Blimey about time he started renting in his own name from now on then. His attitude is quitely frankly bizarre.

totallyfucked He's going to get a shock when he joins the real world, he's using you and he knows it! Am so on your behalf.

Nicdigby, I did not support my DS with the help of lots of benefits, I was bloody working and very hard when I helped my DS out, to the tune of thousands of pounds. I wasn't aware that benefits was enough to help anyone in your family out with cash gifts!!

I have not been on benefits long.

We clearly have very different ideas on what 'having a 19 year old' is.

Xales and Norksaremessy, Thank you for your support. I really do appreciate it.

Forgot to say most all teenagers are like this if they can get a willing horse to do it/pay for it then they will, so sadly you won't be the first or last mother to put up with this crap from 'S' (no way I'd be calling him 'DS'!)

I'd be inclined to kick him out and let him see how far his £25 would go...

OP, I think you really have to ask him to fuck off move out and live independently. He will clearly not change, any chance of that has long since passed thanks to your mother.

And consider your relationship with the rest of your family. You seem to be treated as some sort of whipping boy doormat, think about why that is and what you can do to redress that.

Op, does this lazy git have a girlfriend?

Gosh it is true - they know everything at 16 and think the rest of the adult population know diddly squat - best that 16 and 19 year old are left to their own devises to get on with things as they know so fucking much and we know not how to cook clean or look in a fucking EU manual for information on nothing really important in the scheme of things - doubt there would be so much flouncing if they were left to cook and clean for themselves a bit more, your DN does like to flounce after his outburst rather than stick around like a man...

Oh and I would charge him for the fucking cook and cleaner as those bills have his name in ££££ signs written all over them invoice galore and VAT on top validated additional tips comes in at a heavy price.

TBH I ould make his life a fucking misery so he left and learnt how to pay all the bills in his name himself and no I am not joking, there is a finit window when a teen will leave home and yours is not going anywhere for the next 10 year at the rate you are treating him and yes I am serious he will put you in an ealry grave with his carry on - think on

i think your nephew is wonderful. it was his mothers day as well , wasnt it?

sort your son out, my 19 yr old ,like all my four kids have housework to do. we all have a weekly rota of tasks, and i expect them to get it done, and sort out swops etc on their own.

OP if you need cheering up have a look here, ever a truer word is said in jest

The best substitute for experience is being sixteen. ~Raymond Duncan

Hope it works out for you

Why on earth are you letting so many people walk all over you?!

Your ds won't have a gf for long with the awful attitude he has

I am aghast at his awful attitude and you facilitate it - stop!

Perhaps a discussion along the lines of ' you are obviously not happy living here and I can't afford to support you any more, let's look for a place for you to be independant' etc etc. Rather than 'you are an ungrateful little bugger and I want you to go away until you are nice'. What is going on in HIS life that makes him so unpleasant to live with? Good luck

These were adults all having a pop? I thought they were primary school kids from page 1.

Why on earth were you in the living room "watching them"????

Nephew was a bit rude. Your son more so.

"DS says he should only contribute exactly what he costs, that I should work it out as close to the penny as possible and then should only charge him whatever is not in my name, ie: nothing towards electric/gas/rent/CT/phone/internet. You see, all these things are legally in my name, so as far as DS is concerned, I should pay them all. wrt food, I should calculate exactly how much DS eats and charge him that, no more."

So don't incur any extra costs due to him then. No hot water on unless you need it. No heating unless you want it on. He can take his laundry to the laundrette or pay to use your machine. He can buy his own food (even salt/marg etc) lock yours away. Don't ask him to do anything to benefit you/the house but equally don't do anything for him. He can buy his own plates and pans and they can stay in a washing up bowl in his room if he cba to wash up. Same way own bog roll/towels/toothpaste etc the atmos will be horrid for a while but you need to sort him out. If he continues with this attitude he will have a miserable life of arguements and be unable to sustain a relationship. He IBTU but if you love him you need to sort this out NOW to save his future.

God being a parent is tough isn't it

The way you work out whether someone is behaving in an unacceptable way towards you, is to ask yourself whether they would speak to their boss or their best friend in such a manner. With regard to your son and nephew, I suspect not or they would find themselves unemployed and friendless pretty quickly.

Your son uses the electricity/hot water/phone etc, therefore he ought to contribute. End of. If he refuses, then don't let him use them.

I totally disagree with fabbychic regarding his responsibilities in the household. He is not a flatmate, he is a member of a family and in a family you should all help each other out. Having the attitude 'each man for himself' doesn't teach him how to function in a relationship and if your son had a partner who was posting what you are posting, everyone would be calling him an abusive bully and telling her to leave him. Just because you are his mother, it doesn't mean you have to put up with this shit either.

I think you do need some assertiveness training, as a poster suggested earlier.

I tuly think the only way you are going to get from under this is to tell your son to move out. He will learn what life really costs and he will experience living with people who don't love him and make excuses for his behaviour. A flatmate wouldn't tolerate his attitude.

If someone hurts your feelings, I think you need to say to them that they are being hurtful and rude. Don't worry about offending people who don't worry about offending you.

Wow, that is all horribly disrespectful and rude. I have a 23 year old son living here and he would never in a million years speak to me like that, or refuse to help take care of the house that he lives in. I seriously would not tolerate such behavior, and would make changes. If he did not speak to me respectfully and help out, I would give him notice to move out. I am not a doormat, and you should not be either!

He is sharing the house and should share the responsibilities. You do not mention any friends, does he go out, or only hang about in his room?
Your nephew is just as rude, and why does he speak to you that way?
Your son needs a reality check, he sounds a lot like one of my brothers, he spoke to my mother rudely and was very selfish. He had a learning disability though, so at least there was a bit of a reason for him to not comprehend who to interact with others.

I hope to read a post from you some day saying how your son has either changed and shaped up, or has moved into a place of his own.
Good luck.

Thank you for all your help.
Karmabeliever, You have been very helpful in helping me see the wood for the trees. I have not thought about things that way before. I have tried standing up for myself before, especially with my family, not my nephew because his rudeness is recent, but when I have tried, everyone gets very very aggressive and shouts me down.
I can stand up for myself with my DS, I am not frightened of him, but I admit I do find I rant at him for things which other people have done to upset me rather than speaking to those people, I just let it simmer and then complain to DS when I get home.
I need to direct my complaints to the right people, and tackle my own self doubt when deciding whether someone is actually being rude or whether they are justified.
I have told DS that if he doesn't contribute in any way to the house and leaves me to do it all, then he will have to find himself somewhere else to live. This is the reason he does anything, and he trots this reason out to anyone who will listen, whereas I think it's bugger all to do with anyone else tbh.
I think I need to address the fact that no one respects me, and I can either live like that, but be unhappy, or I can stand up for myself and battle through IYSWIM. I know I don't want a battle, and have found myself 'cutting loose' people who disrespect me and talk to me like crap, but this is probably an avoidance technique, because I hate the confrontation so much, but I know I can't always avoid it.

I have spoken to DS at length about yesterday and his behaviour in general. I will also take your suggestions on board too.

Bucharest, The DC I was watching in the living room ranged in age from 2yrs old to the eldest, my DS. There was 5 DC in the living room.

Norksaremessy, Your suggestion is a good one. I have had the conversation with DS before to explain he doesn't appear to be happy at home and perhaps he should move out, get his independence and be self sufficient. (This seems to be important to him.) DS said he is happy at home but has been talking about moving out this year, as soon as he can find somewhere. I feel he is extremely ill equipped to live away from home atm. I am rapidly coming to the conclusion that he will have to learn the hard way, and that makes me sad, because I should have sorted this sooner.

iscream, DS has lots of friends and a very busy social life. He usually spends most of his time in his room when he is home.

OP, I felt very sad for you, I sincerly hope that you will manage to turn the situation round and regain the respect you deserve. I have nothing to add as karmabeliever's posts are just perfect.

I am absolutely speechless at Fabbychic though.