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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!

AIBU?

OP posts:
senua · 06/04/2011 13:07

I repeat what I said yesterday. Tell the friend that the cottage holiday is abruptly off. When he asks why, point him in the direction of the girlfriend.

You are under no confidentiality obligation. Did she say "I will tell you something if you promise to keep it secret"? No: she blurted first and thought afterwards. You owe her nothing. I think that she is cynically relying on you to think "job done. I can rest easy now".

Looking on the bright side, at least you have the affair confirmed in writing now. She can't deny it and imply that you are a wierdo/making-things-up person.

Oblomov · 06/04/2011 13:14

I could be totally wrong here. But gut instinct, I suspect that 44 yr old consulatnt's girlfriend(she is mid 20's, pretty liberal thing, who works in a shop) is much more into the promiscuous best freind, than she is into the consultant. probably promiscuous best friend isn't treally into her, just considers her abit of fun, maybe .......... Hmm
Can't wait for the holiday cottage, next month ! Grin
And if Quattro and her dh decide not to go, it will just be consultant, gf and bf. She will have to have a quickie with best friend while consultant pops out to get food etc. She will be in her element.
Wonder what consultant will think of best freind, when he finds out it was HIM, that gf of 6 yrs has been having an affir with.

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 13:21

all this ohh and ahh is unnecessary.tell the bf.clear,explicit unambiguous

sorry to have to do this,but your gf has told me she is sleeping with your best friend,has been for sometime now

cant rely upon the gf to do rihgt thing by her bf,seeing she has not demonstrably done so to date

clam · 06/04/2011 20:11

Quattro I've read many of your posts over the years and have an impression of you as a sensible, assertive, competent type. but I'm wondering now if this woman isn't playing you for a complete fool.

She mis-read you. She told you of her affair, probably thinking you wouldn't have an issue with it, being a "woman of the world." Also, she was drunk, so probably didn't read your Shock response at the time accurately.
But now she's received your email, she's had to re-think her position. She's kicking herself for having told you but has to do some serious damage-limitation. Best idea is to feign remorse and pledge that the affair stops immediately. Hmm Yeah, right. Then, finish off by swearing you to secrecy.

Job done...... providing you play ball.

You're not going to, are you? Do you really rate her as any kind of friend now? She's told you who and what she is. Your only concern should be for your friend. How best can you support him in this? He's going to be hurt whatever you do. Either by having to face up to the fact now that the love of his life and his best mate are low-life cheats, or later on, when he's left everything he knows and moved to the other side of the world with someone who clearly isn't worth it.

Good luck.

ccpccp · 06/04/2011 20:49

I've not read the whole thread, but if you've warned the cheating GF and she said she'll end it, thats about the best you can do without becoming a meddler.

They are moving to NZ anyway right? Is best friend going with them?

If you tell, your friend wont only be losing the love of his life, he'll be losing his best friend and you wont be thanked for it.

Mid 20s girl with a 44 year old consultant? Thats the problem right there...

scottishmummy · 06/04/2011 20:52

no,the problem is a duplicitious shagging gf.maybe exploiting prosperous older man.the shagger aint the wronged party here.at all

Northeastgirl · 06/04/2011 21:46

Quattro - where are you?

tribpot · 07/04/2011 09:25

My feeling is that Quattro is not going to return to this thread. I can understand why and I think she absolutely has that choice. I feel very sorry for everyone involved in this story, most particularly Quattro herself.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 07/04/2011 13:23

I'm here! Sorry I wasn't abandoning the thread, it's just that I've been busy at work (and home!).

Not sure what more I can add though. We've cancelled the holiday and I've explained why to her, and left it to her to explain to her boyfriend. Be interested to hear what sort of convoluted story she comes up with for that.

OP posts:
tribpot · 07/04/2011 13:25

Are you going to tell him, Quattro?

Happymm · 07/04/2011 13:32

She'll easily come up with something Quattro. Glad you feel you've salved your conscience-didn't take much eh? Glad you're not my friend, as I expect honesty,trust and support from mine. Think you should turn this on it's head, and maybe think if it was your DH screwing around behind your back with your best friend, would you not only hope, but expect that a friend who has been made aware of what's going on, would tell you? Or would you think an email to your husband saying naughty boy, stop it, would cut it?

FlamingJamie · 07/04/2011 13:42

I appreciate the situation Quattro, but I'm with those who say - tell. It's what I'd want if I was the one being cheated on

FAB5 · 07/04/2011 16:29

Quattro - I actually think it has taken guts to cancel the holiday as there are bound to be questions. Just be prepared for when her boyfriend asks you if you have done/are feeling better and don't lie.

scottishmummy · 07/04/2011 16:37

so you left it to the lying gf to fess up?is she likely to?or is she more likely to lose contact with you,invent some slight and carry on regardless.in fact maybe it more convenient for her if you not about - lets her off hook "no awkward what if Q says anything moments". Is not in her vested interest ti be truthful to him

if you simply leave it as she can tell him,you have let your friend down v badly

what if he contacts you and wants to know why youre not all going on holiday?will you tell then?

you have bottled out and prioritised the discomfort and anxieties you are experiencing - rather than telling a friend a harrowing disclosure

now it is up to him what he does with the knowledge. he may

  1. have heartfelt discussion and salvage relationship. couples can and do overcome infidelity
  2. break off relationship
  3. disbelieve you and do nothing
  4. believe you and do nothing
clam · 07/04/2011 16:47

Actually, I think Quattro's conscience is clear. She was thrust into a situation where she was told, unasked, info she didn't want to be privy to. If ever her friend finds out she knew, she will be able to say that she told the shagger GF to deal with it. That's more than many would have done. In addition, she refused to collude with the affair by going away for the weekend.
I think she has acted with integrity.

Jeeps · 07/04/2011 16:59

Quattrocento, what excuse did you give for cancelling the holiday?

Oblomov · 07/04/2011 17:16

How could Quattro's conscience POSSIBLY be clear ?
It can't be. She may not want to deal with it.
But to sit there and have a clear conscience. No. Can't be so, surely ?

Gf can spin any old yarn about why Quattro and her dh are not going to the cottage. Bet consulatant is none-the-wiser, currently.

Oblomov · 07/04/2011 17:18

I agree with Scottish and see Quattro as having totally bottled out. And I am truely shocked, because I thought Quattro had more 'bollocks' than that.

Xales · 07/04/2011 17:31

If you tell it will be a bloody horrible thing to do.

But then all the horrible feelings etc that you are bottling up because of this selfish woman will be over and done with.

If you don't have the guts to tell him face to face just forward the string of emails.

clam · 07/04/2011 17:35

On previous similar threads, there is always a 50:50 split to tell/not tell the cheated partner. As a compromise, the suggestion is aways to speak to the cheat and encourage them to own up. Quattro has done this and has made it very clear on here that she really does not fancy telling teh friend herself. I don't blame her!

senua · 07/04/2011 17:39

Out of interest, what are you going to tell your DH about why you cancelled the holiday? If you are not careful you are going to come out of this looking the bad guy.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 07/04/2011 17:55

This thread is insane.

So the OP is 'the bad guy', doesn't have 'the guts', has 'bottled out', is a bad friend with a bad conscience. Seriously? Seriously?

Yeah - totally Quattro's fault that the guy is being cheated on. Hmm Hmm Hmm

FWIW a friend's marriage ended through his partner's adultery - they were together for years. Though ultimately didn't work out (the adultery being a symptom of other problems) they remain extremely close sharing a long personal history. However all his friends who criticised her to his face and saying what a bad person / bitch / slag as well as reporting her movements to him every time they bumped into her - are no longer his friends. The moral is to butt out of other people's relationships and on passing judgment (though I'm sure everyone here is unimpeachable).

OP - you've told the GF what you think and you've cancelled the holiday - I think you are good friend who's been put in a horrible position.

FreeButtonBee · 07/04/2011 18:08

I think you have to tell him. This isn't about judging. Just tell him the plain facts that she has told you. That's it. Say you couldn't not tell him but (a) haven't told anyone else (not even your DH) and (b) do not want to get involved or butt in unless he wants your help/support. Back away and let them sort their relationship out, but at least he will be in a position to know the truth.

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/04/2011 18:11

Gosh your poor friend. And she clearly spoke when drunk and is now regretting her candour.

Well if you really feel you don't want to tell your friend - I think I'd just brace myself so when he mentions the move you say something like 'oh so you sorted things out then' and see what he says.

She won't tell him and if it wasn't for the emigration I'd have been in the 'don't get involved camp' but honestly if it was me I'd be gutted if a close friend hand known this and let me hand in my notice and move to the other side of the world.

senua · 07/04/2011 18:15

I didn't say she was the bad guy. I said she might look like the bad guy if she's not careful, after suddenly and unexplicably altering holiday plans and her behaviour around this threesome.