AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

[Quattrocento]

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!

AIBU?

You don't owe her anthing, Quattro. She can ask for confidentiality, but you don't have to grant it. And she sounds like she doesn't have your friend's interests at heart at all. Do you?

I asked earlier - If you knew someone from his new workplace and they told you in a drunken moment that he was going there under false pretences, would you tell him?

Oh, and when they move and she keeps in touch with the best friend and your friend finds out, she will drop you in it from a great height. "Oh, friend, I tried to stop it , I mean, I even promised Quattro that I would. Look, here's proof in the emails we exchanged before we moved out here."

"We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them."

OK, so he was shit to his previour girlfriends, has now met someone who clearly doesn't feel as strongly about him and is now in their position of being over-committed to someone who (clearly) isn't committed to him. I'd actually call that fair enough. Now he knows (or will know, when someone tells him) what it was like for his past girlfriends, and will hopefully treat women with more respect in future.

FWIW - I would tell him. I was in a similar situation and didn't know my then DP was putting it about as much as he could. I packed up my entire life and moved halfway across the world leaving friends, family and lovely job behind. I later found out about his habits and split up with him, when unloading to a someone who had been a close friend but become increasingly distant she admitted she knew, but didn't want to tell me, because it would hurt my feelings.

If anything I was more hurt that she'd kept it from me, and I'd made a complete fool of myself for 5 years, trying to make things work in a foreign country where I had no support network at all.

The choice is yours in the end, but I would say tell him now while he has people around him who can help him get on with his life.

I agree with newbee, but I also know it is a horrific situation to find yourself in. I couldn't tell my friend who was being cheated on, I just couldn't see how to do it. In the end his best friend told the guy's parents, and this was considered a very grave and unnecessary act by the cheaters, the fall-out was appalling. Many friendships ended as a result. But that's what cheating does - it infects relationships, and not just those who are cheated or being cheated on.

Quattro, you've been given a dilemma not of your making - to tell him, or to risk him finding out later and that you knew and didn't tell him. Only you can decided which of two piss-poor options is the better one for you.

wibbly sorry but that's a load of rubbish. Non-committal doesn't have to mean cheating. He also presumably wasn't planning a life abroad with them. So I don't think you can call that a fair swap

WibblyBibble are you trying to suggest that as Quattros friend wasn't perhaps the ideal boyfriend in the past he deserves to be shat upon now after six years of loving someone?

Wow, you are harsh.

Does the cheating lying girlfriend still intend to take him off to NZ as if nothing has happened?

I would give her an ultimatum: give her a certain period of time to tell him and say if she hasn't done it in that time you will do it. Make it clear why you feel uncomfortable being in the position you are in (mentioning the emigration issue etc) and say you're not going to be fobbed off with her saying she's ended the affair or whatever. She's put you in a terrible position by sharing this information with you and you owe it to him to tell him. Whether or not he thanks you for it is another story. But by doing this at least you are guarding yourself against accusations you're being two-faced or vindictive.

Am amazed you're not telling your "wonderful friend who is a gem". Where the he'll do your loyalties lie? A long term friend who is being shat on from a great height (previous behaviour with girlfriends does not justify this) or someone you've known for a few months? And on top of that, expecting him to mess up his career that he's probably worked for twenty plus years for? Do you know how hard it is to now get a consultant job in this country? If he resigns he'll find it so so hard to get a job when things crash around his ears. Think you should woman up and do the decent thing.

Wibbly - That really doesn't make sense. What do you mean?
Surely you can feel more for one GF than you did for previous GFs without deserving to have your heart trampled?

I think it is time you told your friend as you will have too eventually and the longer you wait the more he will be annoyed with you.

Wow, I can't believe the GF's cheek. Quattro, is it because of her nerve that you are experiencing all the fear and shame and pain that she should be experiencing?

Write back to her that either she tells him or you will. That is the only choice she is allowed in this situation. She does not get to choose whether to tell or not, oh, no.

What sort of idiot and selfish cow tells someone such a secret, then orders them to keep it?!

She is so NEVER going to tell her boyfriend.

she told you, its not up to her what you do now, you made no promises to anyone.

You need to tell him, I think you know that really. If you don't you cannot call him your friend from this point on.

Yep, she'll never tell her boyfirend. And she'll continue fucking his friend.

Self-serving little bitch.

See, this is why I would butt out. It's easy to assume there's one script to this, girlfriend cheats, boyfriend gets told by friend, is horrified and decides to leave her, friendship intact (with boyfriend).

My experience of friends and relationships suggests this isn't always what happens at all. I've known people deny having an affair completely, and come together, whilst blaming the person who told them (shoot the messenger). I have a male friend who knew full well that his girlfriend was cheating on him, but preferred not to push it as he wanted to stay with her (complicity). I also know of a girl (friend of a friend) who did have a passionate affair just before getting married, I don't know her well, but she appears to have been happily married for 7/8 years, I have no idea if her husband knew.

The more you get involved, the worse the outcomes for you. She may deny it, she may cry lots and say it was a one-night thing. He may forgive her and carry on with their plans. People don't always do the logical and rational thing where affairs of the heart are concerned. I would encourage her to make a choice/tell him, but if she doesn't, its her conscience that should be burning, not yours.

just forward him the emails, job done

For goodness sake - all these "what if's"...

He might already know...
They might be having an open relationship...
It might be a huge scam, dreamed up by the pair of them -she might just have told you in order to test how good a friend you are...
They might both be members of the Illuminati and be covered in scales beneath their human disguises...

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, chances are it's a duck.

She told you she is having an affair with his best friend. I'd say the chances are pretty high she's having an affair with is best friend.

If he was an acquaintance, I'd say leave it alone but if he is as good a friend as you say, and especially if he's planning to leave the country to be with her, then you don't really have any option but to tell him.

What sort of person knows something like this and still lets their good friend uproot his whole life to be with someone who is cheating with HIS BEST FRIEND??

I'm going to go against the masses here and say that I don't think you should tell your friend. You've warned the GF that this situation is not acceptable and I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt that she will not cheat again. I would also add that if you ever find out that she has cheated again, you will tell your friend the entire truth straight away.

A long time ago, I was in the position of being the cheating GF. I am not proud of it. Myself and OH had been together for about 5 years and I put it about a bit behind his back (not with his best friend though). OH's sister found out about 1 incident and I begged her not to tell him. The thought that I might lose him was the kick up the arse I needed. I quickly realised that he was the best thing that had ever happened to me and I couldn't do this to him. She didn't tell (although I eventually told OH myself several years later and he forgave me).

We've now been married for 10 years and I can say hand on heart that I will never be tempted to cheat again.

onetoomanycornettos, even if the friend does "shoot the messenger" and stay with the reformed cheating GF, he will then presumably emigrate with her and OP will see a lot less of him. That was the "outcome" for the OP before this all started, so I don't see how it can be made worse for OP.

If the boyfriend shoots the messenger yet doesn't emigrate with his cheating girlfriend, the OP has a chance to mend the friendship.

I don't see a long-term downside to forcing the girlfriend to tell him or Quattro will. Short term, yes, there is certainly a downside, a lot of screaming and shouting. However, that shouting and screaming should be directed at the person or people who deserve it.

BeautifulBlonde, your story is very moving, but it's very unusual. Not everyone can be trusted to behave as well as you finally did.

"The worst thing is that he has his ultimate dream job (he's a medic) and she's a Kiwi and wants to move back, and he's got a visa and is coming to terms with having to move over to the other side of the world, having to lose a whole lot of seniority etc and she's doing this!!!!"

You've got to tell him! Potentially he could end up not just heartbroken, but with his career in ruins, and all along YOU KNEW that she was cheating.

His heart will heal but a medical career takes a long time to build and I don't see how you can let him leave his job under what are essentially false pretences.

If he forgives her, that's his choice, but there is too much at stake for you to hope she will magically have a morality transplant and do the right thing.

Have you told your husband? If this guy is his best mate, you could abdicate the responsibility to him.

Have you thought how angry your DH might be if it comes out that you knew and said nothing? It could cause some damage in your relationship.

Keep the emails, just in case she does try to deny everything.

quatro,this is not about you or how awkward any of this feels to you. this is about friend of 6yr standing who needs to know her disclosure that girlfriend is a duplicitous shagger

what he does with it is his business

all the tippy toeing about and hand wringing is bit unnecessary. just tell him, not her, him

and get on with it

Agree with beautifulblondepineapple - you've made your feelings and thoughts clear to GF. You might even want to break off your friendship but the amount of people here telling you to stick your beak in someone else's relationship against your feelings and judgment is strange. You should not be blamed or held responsible for the GF's actions - and I think as she has told you it is confidential that should be honoured.

Why is what someone tells you your problem? You never asked for the information or requested it.

gf confidentiality honoured?bizarre skewed logic and misplaced etiquette
the man is about to move to nz, uproot career and move from uk on basis of solid relationship. he apparently doesn't know about this

ok so op has emailed the gf who is wheedling and pleading and promisisng,well she would wouldnt she!

frankly no more hoping the gf do right thing, just tell the friend

The fact that the girlfriend cares more about what her duplicitous shagging mate thinks of her, rather than her boyfriend, speaks volumes