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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!

AIBU?

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/04/2011 22:50

Bravo Quattro!!

llareggub · 04/04/2011 23:06

Well done!

Jeeps · 04/04/2011 23:09

Well done!

chipmonkey · 04/04/2011 23:58

Good for you, Quattro!

tribpot · 05/04/2011 00:14

You've been put in an incredibly difficult and unfair position. I was where you are, 6 years ago. Good friends, recently (very recently!) married, and the wife was having it off with the husband's good mate. I knew the good mate was seeing 'someone' but not who it was for ages. (He was at least by this point separated from his own wife).

I didn't know what to do. I was like a hamster in a bloody cage. They'd only been married for a month.

In the end, via a complicated process of osmosis, the best man of the guy being cheated on found out and gave the cheating wife an ultimatum. But she lied. Pretended it had been a one-off. So in the end, as the very unwilling recipient of the first-hand information, I did have to say what I knew. Christ, it was awful.

It's completely unfair to you - why the f**k couldn't she confide in someone who at least didn't know him?? That was one of the things that pissed me off the most about my own situation. It's the ultimate in 'shit on your own doorstep'. I hope you don't have to tell him, Quattro, but I think maybe you have to. Even if she says she has. Absolutely, gut-wrenchingly awful.

MaisyMooCow · 05/04/2011 00:49

I once had to break similar news to one of my closest friends. It was really hard but I couldn't sit back and watch her be made a fool of. She was upset but thanked me for the information. She dumped the guy soon after.
I would want to know if it was happening to me, I'd hate to think other people knew before I did, it would be so humiliating.

Oblomov · 05/04/2011 08:10

Nice one, Quattro.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 08:24

Good for you, Quattro. You are a great friend.

plupedantic · 05/04/2011 09:12

Forcing her to tell him is the right thing to do. She needs to take the consequences of her actions, and that will also help to save face for your friend.

As for not telling someone that s/he is being cheated in, I fear that the truest act of friendship could be to risk losing the friendship. That is accepting a personal cost of acting in the interests of the betrayed partner: real friendship.

senua · 05/04/2011 09:25

Blimey. How did I miss this thread!?

Well done QC for doing the right thing. The only problem now: how do you know that she has spoken to him and how do you know the true outcome? If she comes back and says "we talked it through and he understands and forgives me" then what happens next?
Do you need to engineer a meeting for friend and your DH so that the friend can vent? Is he the sort to confide like this? Do you pre-warn DH or not? I think you can, now that you have confronted the girlfriend.

I think a curt note, to him, cancelling the cottage holiday "in the light of recent circumstances" is the way forward. If he comes back and says "what circumstances" then you know that she has lied. It is horrible but I think the note should come from you. You will be the temporary baddie (shoot the messenger and all that) but it will leave the way open for your DH to still be the good friend and shoulder to cry on.

nothingnatural · 05/04/2011 09:26

Good for you Quattro. Horrid position to be in but far worse to be cheated on regardless of the emigrating bit.

chipmonkey · 05/04/2011 09:59

has she replied , Quattro?

Original poster
Quattrocento · 06/04/2011 07:21

Sorry for slow update - RL intervened

We had an exchange of about a dozen emails. She is stricken with remorse and is never going to shag her boyfriend's best friend again. But apparently she is most worried that she has spoiled our friendship

Her last email said it all though:

"Hi , just one last message to stress that what I told you remain completely confidential. I promised that certain person I wouldn't tell a soul and he would do the same. She please don't ever ever ever mention it to him as he would never forgive me (even if we have been drinking :P ). Thanks"

I mean WTF? I haven't told anyone, not even DH (who I KNOW wouldn't want to know). Apart from the 20,000 odd mumsnetters of course :)

Anyhow, I've done enough, and just want to forget it all now. Gruesome.

OP posts:
FABsBackAndIsWell · 06/04/2011 07:35

Self serving cheater AngryShock.

NoWayNoHow · 06/04/2011 07:40

Wow, so she's MORE concerned about the fact that you might mention it to the person she's been shagging and that they'll be cross than she is about the BF she's cheated on???

What a piece of work.

If she cares this much about the feelings of the guy she's shagging, then I'm fairly certain she won't stop seeing him. I hope I'm wrong. If I'm not, you're still complicit in the affair.

At least you know from the response that your mate really doesn't have a clue that any of this is going on, so your concerns weren't justified.

Did she mention anything about the move to NZ?

tribpot · 06/04/2011 07:49

So hang on, what's she worried about? It sounds like her concern is that the guy she's cheating with would never forgive her if her boyfriend found out. That's some twisted logic.

sparkle12mar08 · 06/04/2011 07:53

So what are you doing about your friend? Where is he in all this? Is she actually going to tell him or not? Just bloody tell him, you cannot be complicit in this any longer for goodness sake. What is it that's holding you back, I just don't understand?

sparkle12mar08 · 06/04/2011 07:55

And no, you really, truly haven't done enough - you are letting your friend down frankly.

Original poster
Quattrocento · 06/04/2011 07:58

Yup, nowaynohow. That's the score. Gruesome is the word.

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/04/2011 08:06

And I assume that the email exchange didn't include the words "you're absolutely right, I'll tell him myself" or "if you won't tell him, I will"?

Original poster
Quattrocento · 06/04/2011 08:09

She did say she would tell him, and apologised many times for putting me in an uncomfortable position.

But really that last email, and the priority on secrecy, leads me to doubt that. What do you think?

Anyhow I truly can't do any more. Hated interfering, frankly.

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/04/2011 08:11

Oh, I wasn't implying that you'd bottled out, I was just wondering, because I agree that the tone of that last email implies that she has no intention of telling anyone. Obviously, if she tells her partner, then the affair partner will find out that she told, so it sounds to me like she won't tell.

I suppose you could reply and say 'as long as you're willing to tell DP yourself, I can assure you that I won't tell anyone', but I can see that you're a bit fatigued by the whole thing and don't blame you.

Ugh, though.

NoWayNoHow · 06/04/2011 08:12

If she doesn't want you to tell her lover that you know as they "promised they woudn't tell a soul" then she's certainly not going to break that promise by telling her boyfriend, now, is she?

Your poor friend. You say you can't do it anymore, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but if that's your attitude you need to prepare yourself for the anger and betrayal your friend is going to feel towards you, and for the fact that that friendship will be over. Also be prepared for the potential fall out in your relationship when your DH finds out that you knew about this bint screwing around on his best mate and didn't say anything.

MmeLindt · 06/04/2011 08:12

Quattro
She is totally unfair, and is putting all the responsibility on to you.

I know you don't want to do anymore (and can understand that) but think that you may need to reassess that if and when their plans to move become more concrete.

Oblomov · 06/04/2011 08:14

"I've done enough, and just want to forget it all now."
"Anyhow I truly can't do any more."

NOOOOOOOOOOO
Quattro, you know this isn't true, don't you ?
You haven't done ANYTHING Yet.
But you must. You KNOW what you have to do.
Please don't cop out now.