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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!

AIBU?

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityhat · 03/04/2011 15:41

Yanbu!

How hateful.

0891 · 03/04/2011 15:41

maybe she wants you to tell him so she doesn't have to?

0891 · 03/04/2011 15:41

yanbu, btw.

StealthPolarBear · 03/04/2011 15:41

YANBU
Tell her you want nothing to do with this - you will try to stay away from both of them so as not to have to lie to him as you feel very uncomfortable about doing that

hecate · 03/04/2011 15:42

Don't be complicit. Tell her straight that you have no intention of covering for her. In your shoes I'd tell her just how furious you are that she has put you in this position, how DARE she give you information that means you either tell her partner what she's doing, or sit back and watch her carry on making a fool of him.

I'd be telling her exactly how furious you are and telling her not to expect you to cover or lie for her.

violethill · 03/04/2011 15:42

YANBU.

I think all you can do is remind yourself that now she's sobered up, she's probably feeling bloody awful about it and possibly worried about what you'll do with the information - especially given that he was your friend first, so your loyalty probably lies with him.

I would react by backing off for a while, staying quiet and letting her squirm

RunAwayWife · 03/04/2011 15:44

Tell her either she tells him or you will

alistron1 · 03/04/2011 15:44

What hecate said.

ashamedandconfused · 03/04/2011 15:44

YANBU - I would tell the friend being cheated on, regardless of which way round the genders were, and regardless of the fact that its his best friend (though that makes it worse IMO) . I mean i would tell even if you did not know who the affair was with.

WHEN he finds out, when, NOT if, there will be a huge row about the fact you knew and did not tell him, especially as he is so smitten. He already has his GF and best mate screwing him, he needs his other friends on his side

poor guy!

Original poster
Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:44

It's a horrible thing to do to anyone. Why can't people just shut up and keep schtum.

The worst thing is that he has his ultimate dream job (he's a medic) and she's a Kiwi and wants to move back, and he's got a visa and is coming to terms with having to move over to the other side of the world, having to lose a whole lot of seniority etc and she's doing this!!!!

I am beyond cross that she's made me complicit in this. It's just not fair

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofDenial · 03/04/2011 15:44

YANBU

valiumredhead · 03/04/2011 15:45

I'm in a similar situation. I wish I didn't know.

violethill · 03/04/2011 15:46

Right, in that case, I wonder whether you should tell her that you're not prepared to let him make such a major life change on the basis of a lie.

If he weren't moving across the globe, I'd say just keep out of it, but I think that changes things

Original poster
Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:46

What? You all think I should tell him? Seriously I can't do that. It's not up to me to interfere.

OP posts:
violethill · 03/04/2011 15:47

No, don't tell him, tell her that she needs to come clean before he decides whether to go ahead with such a life changing move

doormat · 03/04/2011 15:47

quatro...had this many times in my life and have b een sickened...

like someone else on here has said...tell her you will give her x amount of time and if she doesnt you will....

it is hard to tell them but you wont be thanked but at least you will know that you cant play a part in the deception of it all....

your friend will realise this one day and thank u for it

violethill · 03/04/2011 15:49

Could you tell him that his gf has told you something which concerns you a lot, in the light of his decision to move to NZ with her. That way, you're alerting him that something is up, but she'll have to actually spill the beans?

BitOfFun · 03/04/2011 15:50

Of course you should tell him- or at least force her to.

reddaisy · 03/04/2011 15:50

You have to tell him/get her to tell him before he quits his job and moves to NZ to be with her.

He might go anyway but at least he will be going knowing the facts. Surely she only told you in the hope that you would tell him so she can get out of making this commitment to him?

Original poster
Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:51

That would be tantamount to telling him though, Violethill

I prefer the idea of having a heart to heart with her, telling her that she's uprooting him from all his friends and his dream job and she really needs to think about whether or not she's being fair to him. Although I can't quite face even looking her in the eye right now.

OP posts:
Ormirian · 03/04/2011 15:51

YANBU.

Also in using 'chum' which is a delightful and under-used word!

ashamedandconfused · 03/04/2011 15:52

given that he is contemplating moving to NZ for her, its all the more importnat you tell him, this could ruin his life!

you have known him longer than the GF has - how do you think he will feel. Assuming she would give up the affair,how would he react? forgive or not? try to work things out or not be interested in second chances? is he the type who may have been having flings himself over the years, and being faithful not importnat to him?what about the best friend? how long has he been on the scene? how long has this affair been going on??

I think you need to tell YOUR DP? then you can both tackle this together. you should not have secrets between the 2 of you - she has put you in a dreadful place

StealthPolarBear · 03/04/2011 15:53

No I think it's not your place to tell him which is why she has put you in such an awful position!
Though if he is emigrating with her I'd definitely agree with those saying talk to her

violethill · 03/04/2011 15:54

Talk to her then. It may be that more will come out, and she'll admit that she's not prepared to commit. But he really needs to know, one way or the other.

hecate · 03/04/2011 15:55

So she's playing him for a fool and he is going to give up his entire life to go halfway round the world for her, and you are just going to let him?

No. That's not right.

You should not have been put in this position but you were and if you do nothing, well, that poor man. How would you feel? If you were giving up your life to go halfway round the world with someone and you found out they were betraying you and that people KNEW before you left and just waved you off.

I'd hate you for that.

Do you think she doesn't want him to go with her and she told you hoping you'd tell him and it would be done for her?