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AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!


OP posts:
Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 20:26

The whole issue hinges on whether or not he knows

And I don't know if he knows

BTW I wasn't sworn to secrecy, although she did at one point say that telling me was like telling her teddy bear

I wish she flaming well had restricted the circle of confidence to her teddy bear

OP posts:
Oblomov · 03/04/2011 20:30

Was it Sarf , who said formulate a plan with your dh, OP ?
What does your dh think Quattro ? I mean, to the whole thing ?
Your e-mail is far far too nice. cut back to the basics as some of the posts have suggested.

BitOfFun · 03/04/2011 20:31

You really think he knows she is boffing his best mate, and is absolutely fine with it? I think you're grasping at straws, tbh.

EldonAve · 03/04/2011 20:32

Don't email
Call her at least then there is nothing for anyone to forward

What about calling the best friend?

EldonAve · 03/04/2011 20:34

Maybe she told you because she wants out but can't face telling him herself

Maybe she wants to take the other guy to NZ instead

violethill · 03/04/2011 20:36

There is a mismatch between the outrage you've expressed on here, and the fairly low key, polite email youve drafted.

I get the feeling you're really holding back, and not saying what you'd like to say

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 20:39

You're right that I am holding back

That was deliberate - but you all clearly think I should be much more direct

OP posts:
beesimo · 03/04/2011 20:40

See what I mean by getting involved in her 'web of lies' OP your are tying yourself in knots over this, its going to end up like having a enormous boil on your bum. Be brave lance it now. Tell your friend what she told you then withdraw from the field until the time your friend requests your help. Let them sort it out if possible - if its not possible be there to pick up the pieces.

scottishmummy · 03/04/2011 20:40

well now you do know,and imo you have to tell him. and they sort it out. when it eventually does come out (as these things always do he) will be really gutted you knew and didnt reveal.and certainly if he is making long term plans and maybe children with her, he needs to know. so as painful and socially awkward as it is - you have to tell

this happened to me (donkeys years ago) .dating 1st serious boyfriend and blissful happy.unaware he was getting it on with another lassie (mutual friend as it happens) and good friend had to tell me.i cried, denied, paced,screamed, are you sure,whole gamut of emotion. but she had the moral conviction to tell me,not see me made a total idiot off, and whilst i wont deny hearing it was unpleasant. it meant when i did challenging him,i knew i had back up to phone if needed. incidentally he denied it,said she was bitch,said she fancied him etc.all standard denials. so anyhoo i still know of him,occasionally run into him.and i just always think Phew what a close escape that was

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 03/04/2011 20:41

email is a cop out, when you read that it's like a village librarian (nor offence to village librarians) saying "if you wouldn't mind dearie"...

Honestly I would without a doubt want to know, he might not like you for telling me initially (although I think I probably would).

What kind of friend are you if you do nothing?

Oblomov · 03/04/2011 20:42

"I think your fab, i think you are fab, i can't wait to come and visit you, we value you both......."
what the hell ? are you mad. do you really like this woman ? I thought the consultant was your friend. You seem very very sucky sucky, to a woman who is treating your friend like a piece of dirt.

violethill · 03/04/2011 20:42

I think if you're going to say anything at all, you need to be more honest.

In your OP you are absolutely fuming. Your outrage is very clear - and it stands out, because I get the impression from other posts that you are quite a level headed person, not over emotional or prone to exaggeration?

So clearly, you feel very angry with being put in this position, and i think that needs to come across more clearly. It must be really hard, I wouldn't relish being in your shoes, but I think if you're going to say something, it needs to be from your heart.

llareggub · 03/04/2011 20:43

Quattro, how would you like to be treated? Would you want to be told or would you prefer to remain oblivious? I think with all of the additional information you have given about emigrating and resignation, you have no option but to say something.

llareggub · 03/04/2011 20:43

Oh, and I must say, the email sounds most unlike you!

violethill · 03/04/2011 20:44

Agree llareggub - your style is quite direct and assertive Quattro, so tell it like it is!

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 20:45

Okay, the email is a bit fake. I was trying not to alienate her. I'll try again.

OP posts:
NorbertDentressangle · 03/04/2011 20:45

I agree with those that said it seems odd that she told you -its as if she thinks that telling you will create a make or break situation and the decision will be taken out of her hands
ie. either (a) you will tell friend (and the decision is then in his hands) or (b)you will keep quiet (and she will carry on the affair feeling as if she has 'permission' to do so because you've not told friend 'so it must be OK')

Send the email

NorbertDentressangle · 03/04/2011 20:46

sorry, thats as in an email, not specifically the one you posted earlier

DaftApeth · 03/04/2011 20:51

I think Lala's email was much more appropriate.

I also think you should send it to both guilty parties.

FuppyGish · 03/04/2011 20:52

Lala's email was spot on.

MillsAndDoom · 03/04/2011 20:54

God bad enough that she's having an affair, worse still to put you in that position but to make the guy emigrate

E-mail is very diplomatic in the circumstances, but I can see that you don't want to risk a breakdown in communciation

MillsAndDoom · 03/04/2011 20:55


Onetoomanycornettos · 03/04/2011 20:55

It would depend what she'd said to me. Are you absolutely sure she is having an ongoing affair with the best friend? There's no possibility she hinted at it, or implied it, or it was a one-off? I would also worry she would deny it when confronted.

I am with Xenia, my instinct is to do nothing in this situation. I have not known anyone have an affair with a bf, but I do know a few details of some of my friend's love lives which I wouldn't pass on to their spouses. It's all very well saying people want to know but sometimes thing happened years ago, or as a one-off, and I really think going round stirring things up in a good few marriages is not my role in life.

It seems like all the responsibility here is on you Quattro but of course it isn't, it's on her and the best friend. If his life is wrecked, it really is their responsibility, not yours. That's if there is something serious going on, which I'm not sure about given I don't know what she said to you.

If I were to do anything, I would encourage her to confess/make some decisions, but I would probably stay fairly distant and not make ultimatums to her about doing so.

SugarPasteFrog · 03/04/2011 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FABsBackAndIsWell · 03/04/2011 20:59

lala's email is brilliant. Straight to the point without anything being said that doesn't need to be said.

If she always has his phone (I wonder if he has as much access to hers Hmm) then you could send him a note if you really can't tell him. Some how he needs to be told.

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