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AIBU to think it is incredibly inconsiderate to tell a chum about having an affair

372 replies

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 15:38

Because I am just steaming about this. The scenario is that two friends of ours are in a long term relationship. He was our friend first and he's absolutely lovely. We met his earlier girlfriends, but he was always a bit non-committal with them. He is clearly head over heels about his current long-term girlfriend. Absolutely smitten. They've been together around 6 years.

So last night, in a moment of drunken indiscretion she chooses to confide in me that she is having an affair with his best friend.

And now she has made me complicit in deceiving him and I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW THIS SECRET AND I AM FUMING!!


OP posts:
chocciechip · 03/04/2011 19:00

I would have thought this was a no-brainer, even though it's undoubtably really hard.

OP, you seem more worried about what he'll say to you, think of you, or whether he'll be friends with you afterwards. Surely, if you are a good friend to him, your top concern would be him, his future and his happiness?

If they are in an 'open relationship', he'll laugh at you when you tell him and say 'I know'; if they aren't he'll be utterly devastated, might withdraw from you for a while, but will be able to make an informed decision about his life.

I have been cheated on in the past, and I have a BF who has been cheated on twice: one thing I can guarentee you from both our experiences is that if he does go to NZ and everything falls apart and its cost him a fortune in cash as well as happiness and dignity (imagine the humiliation of crawling back poorer after being dumped following a younger woman to NZ!) he will NEVER forgive you and think you a total coward to boot.

I would give the GF and his best friend one week to come clean to him, sending them the warning by email. I'd save any replies I got from either of them (they might spit and fume); and if they did not speak to him I'd tell him myself and offer to forward him said emails if he needs proof that you tried your best to get her to be honest with him. I'd also cancel holiday plans and have nothing more to do with the GF at all.

I'm sorry, you can't do nothing with this knowledge.

twopeople · 03/04/2011 19:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WereOffToSeeTheWizard · 03/04/2011 19:07

Quattro yes you really should.
You are just making weak excuses and thought it will be an incredibly difficult thing for you to do how will you feel if he does give up his dream job for this girl? You surely would feel worse?
You have to do something.
I would, but I am glad I'm not in your position

Cymar · 03/04/2011 19:08

She has put you in an unbelievable situation Angry. You could wait until you are all getting together for a drink or something together and tell your friend that his GF has something to tell him. If she refuses to tell him there and then, then do it yourself. She isn't much of a friend if she's done this to you and your priority should be your friend, not his GF.

Xales · 03/04/2011 19:21

This mans girlfriend is cheating on him with his best friend. If you don't tell you will be complicit in this and when it all comes out as it will if she is so indiscreet all the time he will rightly or wrongly hate you too.

He is going to have no one to turn to and trust.

What will your DH/DP think of you if this all comes out? He may wonder what else you are capable of keeping from him!

Also what about his sexual health?

I have told and it is hard and scary Sad

FABsBackAndIsWell · 03/04/2011 19:26

I am not trying to bully you into doing anything you don't feel you can't do but do you feel you can't tell him? Read my post about texting him. You tell him, he doesn't have to lose face and you can both pretend it was never said if you need too.

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 19:30

Okay, I have drafted an email to the GF. What do you think, is this enough?

Dear GF

It was really lovely to see you and the other night. We had lots of fun as we always do, and I'm incredibly fond of both of you.

I've decided that is really too difficult for me to do. This is partly from a work perspective, but partly also because of what you confided in me about with you and

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 03/04/2011 19:32

Of course you should tell him. If you don't you are aiding and abetting her lies and are now a liar as well. And a terrible friend.

Wouldn't you want to know?

Sanesometimes1 · 03/04/2011 19:32

OP really feel for you in this position, have been trying to put myself in your position and see what I would do, I think that I would also be scared/worried etc but in my heart of hearts I would have to tell, I could not live with myself and stay friends with them both knowing what she was doing to him.

You sound a lovely considerate person so I;m sure you will find a way to tell him in a non brutal way, good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Quattrocento · 03/04/2011 19:32

I can't text him about this - she has his phone mostly .

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 03/04/2011 19:37

But do you still think she's fab if you know she's cheating on your friend?

post · 03/04/2011 19:40

Great email

lalalonglegs · 03/04/2011 19:43

I think your email is far too nice. I would write something along the lines of:-

"I was so shocked by what you told me last night that I was unable to react to your news. I am extremely upset that you are betraying friend in this way and almost as hurt that, by confiding in me, I am now complicit in the betrayal.

After a lot of thought I have decided that it is unfair on friend to emigrate to NZ unaware of the true situation. Unless you tell him everything by next weekend, I will have no choice but to inform him myself.

It goes without saying that we no longer wish to go on holiday with you and friend's friend next month."

I fear you sound too sympathetic and she will try and talk you around unless you are very focused and matter of fact.

justaboutWILLfinishherthesis · 03/04/2011 19:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WereOffToSeeTheWizard · 03/04/2011 19:44

Good but I don't get the ....
looking forward to visiting them both??
You won't go away for a few days with them but still plan on visiting them when they move?

BitOfFun · 03/04/2011 19:46

Yes, I agree, leave that bit out. But the rest is very good.

Bewunce · 03/04/2011 19:47

Even if (and it's a whopper of an IF) he does know and is okay about her fooling around with his best friend, I find it impossible to believe that he would also be okay with her taking his friends to one side and telling them about it Shock. She is making a fool of him, and in front of his friends too (are you the only one of his friends she has "confided in"?

Xales · 03/04/2011 19:50

I think it is a cop out. Sorry Sad

SarfEasticated · 03/04/2011 19:53

I think you email is far too nice, she's betraying your friend, she doesn't deserve that level of politeness. Speak to your husband and formulate a plan together.

beanlet · 03/04/2011 20:01

Normally I'm of the 'mind your own business' school of dealing with other people's affairs. But in this case he's preparing to emigrate to be with her, which is one of the most massive life changes anyone can go through (i know; I've done it). I think you have to tell him - or insist that she tell him (which would be a better outcome).

If he knows, you won't have damaged anything. If he doesn't, you may literally be saving him from ruin. You have to make sure he knows.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 03/04/2011 20:01

One thing I'm missing is - did she tell you in confidence? If so you can't betray that.

If she didn't then I would guess she wants you to her job for you and tell him.

I wouldn't tell him. It's their relationship. He's a grown adult. He can make his own choices. You aren't being complicit in anything and it's bollocks / victim blaming for anyone to say otherwise. You didn't ASK to be told. I would stay well clear.

BitOfFun · 03/04/2011 20:04

In confidence? Do me a favour.

sayithowitis · 03/04/2011 20:16

But TondelayoSchwarzkopf , how can the friend make his own choices if he is not aware of all the information?

Normally, I would say stay out of this, but given the very particular circumstances, I too believe that you have to find a way to make sure he knows what is happening. if you do not and he emigrates and things fall apart later, it will be far more hurtful to him to know that you were aware of this and didn't tell him.

If you are truly his friend, how can you sit back and let him give up his 'dream' job and emigrate to the other side of the world without letting him know?

lalalonglegs · 03/04/2011 20:19

Tondelayo, how can he make choices if he isn't aware of the true situation? His choices will be based on a false premise (unless they are in an open relationship and all fine with each other having sex with close friends - somehow I doubt that is the case).

AyeRobot · 03/04/2011 20:25

Email is a cop out, I agree.

If you knew someone from his new workplace and they told you in a drunken moment that he was going there under false pretences, would you tell him?

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