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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punch that woman in Tesco today for being judgey...

303 replies

angel1976 · 02/04/2011 21:07

So DH and I went to Tescos today to buy some food as we have completely run out of food. We have DS1 who is 3.1 and DS2 who is 17 months old. They took turns to sit on trolley or go for a wander with DH. I did most of the shopping, DH spent much of the time putting stuff DS1 took off the shelves or involving them in our shopping by getting them to help put stuff on the trolley. All good and well. As we finished paying and bagging up, I wanted to buy some flowers for MIL who we are taking out for lunch tomorrow. DS1 and DS2 spend one day a week with her and they love her dearly. So I wanted to involve them in choosing some flowers. Told DH to take the shopping back to the car while I take both DSs to choose some flowers.

While DS1 and I were busy choosing some flowers, DS2 wandered off to the toy shelves and took a few things off the shelf and then was playing (pushing buttons mostly!) with the toys on the shelf. He wasn't causing any trouble or in the way. After choosing the flowers, I went over to get DS2, I led him a couple of feet away from the toys to tell him he needs to put the toy he was holding back, fully intending to pick up the other toys on the floor when we got back. This woman in her 50s started shaking her head at us and tutting as obviously she thought we were going to leave the mess (we weren't walking away, we were standing a few feet away). It made me so angry! I'm usually really non-confrontational but I said to her, 'What is your problem? Are you going to help or are you just going to stand there and judge? He's only 17 months old!' And she had the cheek to say to me, 'Teach him then, my children NEVER did that.' And just walked away! I honestly wanted to lamp her one (and I'm not a violent person, usually! Grin).

It really spoilt my afternoon as we had the children under control our whole shopping trip and I only had them both with me as I wanted to involve them in choosing some flowers for MIL and I 'left' DS2 for a few minutes (he was within sight the whole time) just so DS1 could choose the flowers he wanted. (I guess on hindsight, DH should have taken DS2 but hindsight is always 20/20!) And like I said, he wasn't tearing around the place, chucking stuff off shelves or anything. He took a few things off the shelf and was happily playing with one of the toys. DS2 is the sweetest thing you have ever met. I just feel so Angry I got judged by this silly woman. Argh! If I was the lady and I was walking by and saw that, I would have just helped me and DS2 by picking up the toys and putting them back on the shelves. It's not easy to shop with young ones. So AIBU??????

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 02/04/2011 21:22

But.. he was 17 mo! A 3yo, fair enough, but he's still a baby...

Presumably you picked everything up and would have paid for anything if it had been broken?

MissMontoya · 02/04/2011 21:22

She was a mad old bint ('my children NEVER did anything like that'...yeah, right. They probably didn't have supermarkets in your day, love!).

BUT...you need to learn how to take a deep breath and turn the other cheek. Develop a 'you mad old bint' dirty look and use it often. It helps keep the 'I am going to smack you one' urges under control Grin

Original poster
angel1976 · 02/04/2011 21:23

DH had already taken them out today to the farm, we just wanted some food for dinner and I did ask if he wanted to stay at home with them while I went quickly but he's the sort who wants to involve the whole family on weekends on errands... Hmm

Like I said, I usually don't have them out of the trolley, just this time and guess I won't be doing that again! Grin

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 02/04/2011 21:24

"Are you going to help "

yeah she's gonna help clear up your childs mess

SarahStrattonHasNiceBears · 02/04/2011 21:25

Err my children never did do that MissMontoya. Ever. I'm a mean and evil mother and I made them sit in the trolley.

Bexstar5 · 02/04/2011 21:25

I think with age comes a certain feeling that one can say whatever they want. Also, it is perhaps a case of seeing the past through rose tinted spectacles - apparently I was out of nappies and dry by 9 months old - I don't think I could even walk until I was one!!

Saying that though, I wouldn't let my DD take everything off the shelves, but do appreciate the stress of shopping with kids - you did have your DH to help out though!

TheSecondComing · 02/04/2011 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 02/04/2011 21:25

YABU. It is a shop not a toy library.

doley · 02/04/2011 21:25

Yep,I think it is your natural protective feelings that are up-setting you ! you knew you were going to tidy them up ~and didn't need a reminder .

That woman didn't need to say anything at all .

Many posters are saying that their kids have never done that type of thing ,prob not ~but all of us have kids that at one time will do something that pisses someone off... someday !

Your day was going well , she hurt your feelings ~ understandable :)

Lovely flowers ...I hope you all have a wonderful day with your in-Laws .

jonicomelately · 02/04/2011 21:26

I think the idea you let your ds pull toys off the shelves and stay strewn across the aisle is bad enough. How would you have felt if somebody had tripped on them? To compound things, you then expected a stranger to pick some of them up Shock Sorry but you sound a bit selfish to me.

winnybella · 02/04/2011 21:26

'While DS1 and I were busy choosing some flowers, DS2 wandered off to the toy shelves and took a few things off the shelf and then was playing (pushing buttons mostly!) with the toys on the shelf.He wasn't causing any trouble or in the way.'

So you were aware that he was playing with the toys while he was doing it and didn't think it was inappropriate. I'm afraid I don't agree with you.

It's one thing when a small child grans something off the shelf when your back is turned for a second and another when you just let him play with merchandise so you can have some peace doing your shopping.

YABU.

SherbetDibDab · 02/04/2011 21:26

It's not difficult at all to teach children to sit in a trolley and behave, sometimes you have no choice but it's not teaching them anything at all really,is it?

What's the problem with children being involved in the shopping, actually using their legs, learning about food, getting a sense of involvement by being a valued helper.

I don't get this - 'I'm such a good Mum because my child is restrained and removed from the process entirely - aren't I smug and superior.' attitude.

Original poster
angel1976 · 02/04/2011 21:27

I think that's why I was upset. If DS1 was doing that, he would have been soundly told off (and he didn't this time, he was holding a shopping bag for his flower). But DS2 is only 17 months and such a sweet little thing but I guess that old bag she wouldn't have known that! Is it really that bad to practise a bit of tolerance? I have two toddlers and I always feel sorry for mothers who struggle with two when they are out and about themselves and try to help. That's how I met one of my good mummy friends - I offered to look after her younger DD when she had to take the older one to the toilet at the local cafe. Otherwise she would have to take her along too. Just feel it doesn't hurt to help!

OP posts:
winnybella · 02/04/2011 21:27

And why would you expect a stranger to help clear up the mess you allowed your child to make Confused

Vallhala · 02/04/2011 21:27

MissMontoya as I said earlier, my DDs never did that. It's hard to interfere with somebody else's possessions when you're 1 and 2 years old and strapped into a shopping trolley. :o

hecate · 02/04/2011 21:27

Many people are not tolerant, that is true. And that's wrong. To be intolerant, to be all cat's bum mouthed just because children are THERE is horrible. Laughing, being a bit noisy, being children, that's nice. I think people should be more tolerant.

However. Allowing your children to mess with things in supermarkets is not on. It's the same as, for example, letting them run round a restaurant. Take them to a restaurant, enjoy their company, enjoy their laughter, but don't let them run round getting under the feet of the waiting staff and banging into other diners.

see? It's not about not letting children be out and about, it's about making sure they behave reasonably. Being in the supermarket is reasonable. Taking stuff off supermarket shelves and sitting on the floor playing with them is not reasonable.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 02/04/2011 21:28

I think YABU in a few ways:

Insisting on involving a 3 year old and a 17 month old in choosing a bunch of flowers!! A pointless exercise IMO, you could have chosen them quickly yourself and saved all this hassle.

Letting you child play with toys that don't belong to him and that you had no intention of buying

Asking the woman if he was going to help you.

From those three things, you strike me as the type of parent who thinks that the whole world revolves around her children, bugger anyone else

winnybella · 02/04/2011 21:29

Sherbet- my DD helps me put things in the basket and pack at check-out-I think that's teaching a child how to shop etc- not by letting them make a mess.

StataLove · 02/04/2011 21:31

I think this is the only country where I've been tutted at about my children. I hate it so YANBU! If you have something to say, come over and say but when people stand there tutting or eye rolling or muttering 'for heavens sake' etc drives me up the wall. Both judgey and cowardly at the same time.

FWIW, the supermarket more than expects toddlers to take toys off the shelves. That's why they put them at toddler level. If it was such a problem, they have them a bit higher up. It's a small price for the supermarket to pay in exchange for us having to deal with the temptation that's put directly at grasping level of small children - and it clearly works out better for the supermarket. It's not as if your DS was pulling things down from the shelves and trashing them.

YANBU - people are such prudes in this country!

MissMontoya · 02/04/2011 21:31

Yes, yes, I get it. Personally I shop online and wouldnt take my toddlers to a supermarket. But that's not the point. The point is '17 mth old makes a mess' SHOCKER. Big wow. Call the cops. Ring the fucking alarm. TBH, I'm sure not even the shop staff would have given a flying fuck as long as, at some stage, the stuff was roughly put back where it belonged.

Bint was mad. OP over sensitive, but bint still mad. Bet her children were weaned at 12 weeks and potty trained at a year old and she never spoiled the child by sparing the rod yadda yadda Grin. there are too many nosey old giffers in supermarkets.

Like I said, develop 'you absolute loon' look and use it.

SooooCynical · 02/04/2011 21:31

You are the one being totally unreasonable. Children should be taught not to touch things in shops and certainly shouldn't be allowed to take toys off shelves and play with them Shock. Seriously shocked that anyone would think this was ok. The only time they would be allowed to touch would be if we were going to buy something and only then under supervision.

I was in a shop when my youngest DS (4 at the time) started fiddling with some birthday cards on a display. I told him not to touch and and he said 'I was only looking'. I replied, 'You use your eyes are for looking not your fingers'. The shop keeper was actually a bit taken aback and thanked me saying he wished more parents had that attitude.

YA totally U (and what did her age have to do with it??)

surelynotnormal · 02/04/2011 21:33

I don't really get why you were cross with her.

She obviously thought you were going to bugger off without putting the stuff up, which is a bit Hmm

Yeah she could have not looked at you funny but it's totally out of order that you told her she should be putting them back for you!

I've got two of a similar age, I'm a SAHM and don't have them in childcare or any family to help and I DO NOT assume random people in supermarkets are going to pick up after my children.

Yes, some people are nosey buggers, raising eyebrows and all the rest of it. But in the situation you mention (not that I've been in it, my toddler wouldn't have been allowed to take all those things of the shelves) I would just say "please don't take all those down darlimng, come on now let's put them back up" loud enough for any nosey buggers to know I was dealing with it.

When I'm out with my children I normally do get smiles and help from other people - lifting buggies, opening doors, which I'm very very grateful for. But I know when my children are being a PITA and I don't EXPECT help from anyone.

SooooCynical · 02/04/2011 21:35

Yes and to all the people who think it's ok I bet you'd be first in line complaining when you wanted to buy something as a present and the only one left was in a grubby ripped box with a crack in it because someone mistakes the the toy aisle for a play area and lets their 17 month old play with the toys.

MissMontoya · 02/04/2011 21:35

Wow, you are all such good mums

BumWiper · 02/04/2011 21:35

agree with Awhiteelephantintheroom.

plus your baby is only 17mths old.

i have 3 children including one with special needs,who i often bring shopping with me and they have never been allowed to do that.it dosent matter if you think your DS is sweet,to those around you he may have looked like a bit of a brat,let do whatever he wants.

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