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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to punch that woman in Tesco today for being judgey...

303 replies

angel1976 · 02/04/2011 21:07

So DH and I went to Tescos today to buy some food as we have completely run out of food. We have DS1 who is 3.1 and DS2 who is 17 months old. They took turns to sit on trolley or go for a wander with DH. I did most of the shopping, DH spent much of the time putting stuff DS1 took off the shelves or involving them in our shopping by getting them to help put stuff on the trolley. All good and well. As we finished paying and bagging up, I wanted to buy some flowers for MIL who we are taking out for lunch tomorrow. DS1 and DS2 spend one day a week with her and they love her dearly. So I wanted to involve them in choosing some flowers. Told DH to take the shopping back to the car while I take both DSs to choose some flowers.

While DS1 and I were busy choosing some flowers, DS2 wandered off to the toy shelves and took a few things off the shelf and then was playing (pushing buttons mostly!) with the toys on the shelf. He wasn't causing any trouble or in the way. After choosing the flowers, I went over to get DS2, I led him a couple of feet away from the toys to tell him he needs to put the toy he was holding back, fully intending to pick up the other toys on the floor when we got back. This woman in her 50s started shaking her head at us and tutting as obviously she thought we were going to leave the mess (we weren't walking away, we were standing a few feet away). It made me so angry! I'm usually really non-confrontational but I said to her, 'What is your problem? Are you going to help or are you just going to stand there and judge? He's only 17 months old!' And she had the cheek to say to me, 'Teach him then, my children NEVER did that.' And just walked away! I honestly wanted to lamp her one (and I'm not a violent person, usually! Grin).

It really spoilt my afternoon as we had the children under control our whole shopping trip and I only had them both with me as I wanted to involve them in choosing some flowers for MIL and I 'left' DS2 for a few minutes (he was within sight the whole time) just so DS1 could choose the flowers he wanted. (I guess on hindsight, DH should have taken DS2 but hindsight is always 20/20!) And like I said, he wasn't tearing around the place, chucking stuff off shelves or anything. He took a few things off the shelf and was happily playing with one of the toys. DS2 is the sweetest thing you have ever met. I just feel so Angry I got judged by this silly woman. Argh! If I was the lady and I was walking by and saw that, I would have just helped me and DS2 by picking up the toys and putting them back on the shelves. It's not easy to shop with young ones. So AIBU??????

OP posts:
Triggles · 05/04/2011 22:00

lol doley.. I lived in the US for 35+ years... there are plenty of people that are just as judgemental there. Perhaps in your neck of the woods, but most places I've been, it's just as bad, if not worse. I personally have found the UK much more child-friendly than the US ever was, but a lot of that could be perception or even more down to specific areas or who you associate with, among a number of other factors.

I don't think either the British or the Americans as a group are "more" or "less" tolerant of little ones. Some individual people are nasty and judgemental, some individuals are not. But to say the Americans are more tolerant is simply a blanket statement that really isn't true.

missedith01 · 05/04/2011 22:17

If shops want their toys unmolested they should not display them so that they are (a) visible and (b) accessible to young children. Fact: young children have poor impulse control. Fact: shops do this in the hope of selling through pester power.

ilovesooty · 05/04/2011 22:19

I'm sure they've always had poor impulse control, but in times gone by parents were more inclined to say "Don't touch" and expect that to be listened to.

Triggles · 05/04/2011 22:23

Yes, a bit of 6 of one and half a dozen of the other, tbh. I think the OP should probably have kept her child from pulling toys off the shelf by perhaps sending the younger with her DH, but by the same token the judgemental lady needs to get a life as well. Our children are either sitting in the double seat of the trolley when we're in the supermarket, or DH stays home with them while I go get the shopping. I'm fairly tolerant, but don't really like seeing kids running loose in the supermarket. But then, there are some adults that drive me mental in the supermarket as well. Grin That's life, I guess.

buttonmooncup · 05/04/2011 22:24

Some people on this thread must do nothing but tell their kids off all day. I actually feel sorry for kids who would be reprimanded for touching toys in a shop - provided they were careful with them and put them back when they were finished.

mathanxiety · 05/04/2011 22:24

I find myself in agreement with Doley on perceptions of child-friendliness or child-aversion, UK vs US. Again, a perception and maybe it depends on where you are in the US or how 'cute' your children look. Red haired children can get away with anything.

sungirltan · 05/04/2011 22:34

yabu. you chose to be confrontational when you could have just ignored her.

zookeeper · 05/04/2011 23:17

YABU . I am sure your DS is adorable but it's not on to let him get the toys out to play with so that he is entertained whilst you are doing something else.

zookeeper · 05/04/2011 23:19

YABU . I am sure your DS is adorable but it's not on to let him get the toys out to play with so that he is entertained whilst you are doing something else.

onceamai · 06/04/2011 06:21

I'm sure it's all been said before but YABU.

a) you were buying flowers not toys
b) you were not supervising both children
c) you allowed your child to take things you had no intention of buying from the shelves
d) you used a trip to the supermarket as a day out for a family of 4

The point I really don't understand when I go shopping; the weekly shop does not need to be done by two young children and two parents. One parent shops, one parent takes children to the park - everyone has a better time, including other shoppers.

working9while5 · 06/04/2011 09:28

This thread is lunacy!

I'm going to own up, now, to the fact that I deliberately take my 16 month old to the toy shelves just so he can practice taking things off shelves and putting them back.

I will let ds take a few toys off and have a go, and then get him to put them back. He has to put e.g. the cars back before he wanders down the aisle. I want him to learn that he can't have everything he wants in a shop, that you can look but not open the box/bash it up, and that things have to go back where they came from. Obviously, at 16 months, I have to really supervise this e.g. there's a certain amount of me ensuring he doesn't pull the whole shelf down and "guidance" but I want him to learn these things about supermarket shopping, so while I could just bark no at him, for the five extra minutes it takes to just tolerate the fact that actually, he's not being "naughty", he's just being a little toddler, I feel it's a perfectly sane thing to do . We would move sharpish if we were in someone's way and the whole thing doesn't last very long. It's just another part of his early learning.

This is not to say I don't bark no at him too if he were being naughty, but tutting at a toddler taking something off the shelf just because it catches their eye and interests them is crazy. We all take things off the shelf and look at them/read the packaging, that's part of the purchasing experience in a shop. I think to socialise kids you have to let them experience what you want them to grow into. When he gets to an age where we can "save up" for toys, the purchasing element will come into it but for now, it's just about learning that you can't play in shops the same way you would at home or in a playgroup. There are all sorts of ways to skin this cat, judgey mamas!

I'm not really sure how kids are supposed to learn boundaries in public places if they are always simply contained?

catinboots · 06/04/2011 10:23

Working - AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH. HAVE YOU NOT READ THE THREAD?? Out of contol toddler - FINE .. Expecting random stranger to clear up his mess - NOT FINE

sofaqueenie · 06/04/2011 10:27

I don't think YABU - good for you for saying something. I would, perhaps she's forgotten how hard it is to take kids shopping and keep them under control

chuffinheck · 06/04/2011 10:31

If that had ruined my day then the rest of my life must be damn near perfect.

Chill, walk away happy that you aren't her.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 06/04/2011 11:07

Working - the child in question wasn't with his mum, being supervised whilst he took a toy off the shelf, looked at it carefully and then put it back. His mum was off buying flowers with her other child, whilst this one took several toys off the shelf and played with them unsupervised - there's a big difference. She's never even said that she'd have paid for any toys he damaged.

Lyra - I'm sorry - I got your post mixed up in my mind with the OP's, hence was more outspoken than I would otherwise have been, though I still don't think it is that reasonable to let your children play with the toys in a shop whilst you are shopping - but I get the impression that your children are expected to be careful with the toys. I would like to point out, though, that I never said you plonked them down on the floor, opened packets of toys for them and then swanned off for an hour and a half.

working9while5 · 06/04/2011 11:09

Excuse me, catinboots! Yes I've read the whole damn thread and actuially there was a lot of talk about how it was U to allow toddlers to access toys from shelves etc. Your comment Is really bizarre given just how much talk there was about this very thing and is also rude!

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 06/04/2011 11:13

Sofaqueenie - why should the older lady have helped the OP pick up the toys that her child had been playing with? She had moved away with her child, clearly making the older lady believe that she wasn't going to pick the toys up - and to be honest, if I saw a child spreading toys out around him in the supermarket, and then saw his mum apparently taking him away without clearing up, I'd have tutted too - it would look like bloody bad manners to me.

The OP clearly didn't like being tutted at, so she was rude and nasty to the older lady - how is that reasonable? If she had kept her child with her, or had made him pick the toys up straight away, she might not have got tutted at - and regardless, it wasn't the older lady's responsibility to pick the toys up for her, so she was unreasonable and very rude to say, "..... Are you going to help or are you just going to stand there and judge?...." And then to suggest in her thread title that she thought it reasonable to want to assault the lady - even ruder and more unreasonable, in my book.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 06/04/2011 11:16

Working - the issue is NOT toddlers taking a toy or two from the shelf, looking at them carefully and putting them back - it is a mum thinking it's ok for her child to take down a number of toys and amuse himself with them so that she can shop for flowers with her older child. The issue is also her being rude to another lady who clearly thought she was going to leave the toys out on the floor - because she moved her child away to talk to him. It is also her rudeness to the older lady, and the fact that she thought the older lady should have helped her pick up the toys that her child had got out - and then thinking it was OK to want to assault her for having an opinion on her child's behaviour and her management of it.

YouaretooniceNOT · 06/04/2011 12:32

I agree with catinboots.

I also think the Lady may have been anticipating lots of other people tripping over the toys.

PainteditRed · 06/04/2011 14:20

Can I just point out that of course shops that sell toys have them 'at toddler height' . Would you expect them to have them strictly top shelf?

Would a fattie complain that crisps were in easy reaching distance so she just had to buy them and eat them?

I would have cats bum mouthed you to be honest, and had no shame in doing so.

PainteditRed · 06/04/2011 14:21

Apologies for my overuse of 'them' . I don't actually like that word tbh, but it does its job...

YouaretooniceNOT · 06/04/2011 15:30

Yes painteditred i agree. Also the anarexic mental patients who didn't have the laxatives in easy reaching distance. [shocked] @ fattie

PainteditRed · 06/04/2011 16:16

God, if you are shocked at 'fattie' you really need to get out more

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 06/04/2011 16:17

Well I am overweight, Painted, and I don't find 'fattie' a pleasant term for people to use. And why is it just fat people who would want to be able to reach the crisps?

PainteditRed · 06/04/2011 16:44

MMymum is 5st overweight. always has been always will be it seems and she doesn't mind the term' fattie'

'grosely obese' s in the BMJ is far worse...