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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it pot luck to get an "easy" baby or is it down to parenting?

164 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2011 15:03

This came up at lunch today. Im 31 weeks pregnant and said to some colleagues that I really hope we are as lucky with this baby as we have been with our dd and ds. Aside from the obvious hope that this baby is as healthy as our 2 have been, I'm hoping its as "easy" one too.

We are one of those couples who have just been completely flukey when it comes to having an easy time with children (so far!). I dont mean to put that across in a braggy way, I genuinely mean we dont know we're born/ cant sympathise with others at times as we just havent experienced what its like to have a hard time. I suppose theres no point in pretending we're martyrs when we havent a clue.

My cousin has a 4 and a half year old and an (almost) 2 year old, she works full time and is constantly exhausted - as shes up every hour with one or the other child during the night. I feel really sorry for her - Im very careful not to mention what good sleepers mine are etc but her mum is our CM so she knows. Its the same with eating/ tantrums etc.. I think shes pissed off alot of the time with me to be honest and had said when I was pregnant with ds (more than once) that "I hope this one gives you hell". (joke)

My mum and other family members etc reckon this is no ones fault but hers and her DHs (which I think is a little unfair tbh) - that the children are "ruined" and its all down to parenting.

Colleagues at lunch today responded with something similiar after I said I hoped we'd be as lucky again. They said that luck has absolutely nothing to do with it and its down to the parenting/ how relaxed the parents are etc...

Im genuinely prepared to have this one scream every night for a year Grin but am continuously being told (assuming all is well and healthy) that this wont happen, given the way our current dc are.

I have to admit that I am slightly beginning to come around to that school of thought - I wouldnt go so far as to say that its a parents "fault" if their children are really hard work but am starting to think that parenting has to be a huge factor. (Im going to eat my words, arent I Grin)

I dont even know if its an AIBU to be honest, I just find it interesting. Its came up alot.

OP posts:
PurveyorOfWoo · 30/03/2011 15:06

Karma's gonna come and bite you Grin

FWIW I do think it is mostly down to luck. An overwrought parent may not help, but there is no insurance against a colicky/refluxy baby.

mousymouse · 30/03/2011 15:07

absolutely pot-luck! (IMO that is)

NinkyNonker · 30/03/2011 15:08

I think some children are good sleepers, and some aren't. You can try to train them out of it to a degree of success, but they are individuals so it isn't all down to parenting. For example, I am a bad sleeper. That isn't my parents' fault!

Also depends on how you define easy. DD is a delight, happy, chirpy, engaged etc...but sometimes struggles to stay asleep bar 5am. Grin One friend would describe this as difficult because her DS has slept 630 to 0800 since 6 wks old (struggled with weight issues etc though so am not totally jeaous!) whereas another friend thinks we are the luckiest parents alive as her DS has had horrendous colic and screamed non stop for the first 3 months and now won't sleep.

Neither of them are better parents than the other, they just have different children.

CMOTdibbler · 30/03/2011 15:09

Its luck - I know a few people who had 'easy' babies and hoiked their judgy pants - and then got a non sleeper/clingy baby.

But parenting can have an effect on these traits later

Chil1234 · 30/03/2011 15:10

Nature vs Nurture isn't it? There's got to be some genetic/personality aspects that you can't control and then there's 'parental influence' where you can shape things with love, guidance, discipline etc. If it was all nature and no nurture we'd just lob them all into a holding-pen and get them back at 18 just the same as if we'd been there all the time.

I like the studies that have been done on indentical twins brought up separately. A lot of traits remain common between the children even though they've had different upbringings, and in other respects they're very different.

faverolles · 30/03/2011 15:10

Definitely potluck.
My sister was quite smug about having two angelic babies who fed then slept, slept through at 3 weeks, and were easier than easy.
Her third was normal. I was slightly pleased.

faverolles · 30/03/2011 15:11

Meant to say that I had 3 non-sleeping screamers. Now have one who (in comparison) is calm, smiley and very easy.

LaWeasel · 30/03/2011 15:11

A little of both I think. But mostly luck and interpretation!

babylann · 30/03/2011 15:11

My mum shared this HmmtheoryHmm with me that laid back parents have easy babies, and fussy parents have tricky babies. (Not saying I agree with her at all)

Personally, I have no idea. It seems like pure luck.

You know the "nature/nurture" debate. I always said nurture, but when DD was born, she came out of my body with her own personality immediately. She hasn't developed a new personality over time, her current personality has expanded as she has learned more. So I proved myself wrong and think it has nothing to do with parenting or anything - babies are the way they are.

Katiepoes · 30/03/2011 15:12

There has to be some luck. My baby slept easily, went from midnight to 7am from 6 weeks, she's a smiley happy little woman that made the switch from breast to bottle in one go, took to food instantly, is generally a very easy-going cuddly ten month old. Friends with babies of similar ages and family members have all commented on how lucky we are. I would love to put that down to what a fab Mama I am, but really it's my DD herself.

Will I be paying for this when she's 15 d'you think?

Original poster
BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2011 15:12

You see thats a good point, Ninkynorker, am wondering about defining easy too. Am wondering has the child anything to do with it really and is it more about the adults coping abilities - some people are just more easy going etc and not alot stresses them out - so even a "difficult" baby could appear "easy" to them if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Katiepoes · 30/03/2011 15:13

Oh I'm a cynical fussy stress-beast btw so she didn't get her nature from me.

babylann · 30/03/2011 15:13

(But I didn't mean my above comment to mean I don't think nurture plays any factor in the future child's personality at all - of course it does! Grin)

cantspel · 30/03/2011 15:14

pot luck during the baby stage but as they get older it can be half and half ie a toddler who is allowed to fall asleep in the evening in front of the tv is not suddenly going to be great with set bedtimes when they start school.

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 15:15

Pot luck, I've had one of each.

NinkyNonker · 30/03/2011 15:16

That is true as well I think Barbie. My friend with the colicky baby hasn't been adapting brilliantly as has had trouble bonding so that might have framed her viewpoint a little.

DD doesn't sleep brilliantly but she is a baby, that's what we expected! She is a dream though and we're so lucky. As such, we do think we have hit the jackpot but I think we would have thought that regardless. Grin

Funnily enough, the friend with the laidback baby has been struggling recently because her son has started waking at 0600 a couple of times a week. She is EXHAUSTED!! I have to keep biting my tongue and telling her I dream of a consistent 0600!

theresapotatoundermysink · 30/03/2011 15:16

There's no answer to this. I honestly think it's a mixture of the two.

nickschick · 30/03/2011 15:17

My first 2 babies were a dream they slept every night 8pm til 7am they napped 11am until 1pm -attained all their milestones when they should,they were never sick,rarely ill and ate a great diet.

A surprise baby arrived he slept 3 hours out of 24,was always sick and very clingy .........at 10 he still needs very little sleep and has a dairy intolerance so has a restricted diet.

I used to advise parents when I was working a poor sleeper isnt one of his own accord,you can sleep train a child and I was so bloddy sure of myself im surprised I didnt get a slap .......well actually nature slapped me karmas a bitch Grin.

Trust me its pot luck!!!,.

RubberDuck · 30/03/2011 15:18

Pot luck.

First I was terribly stressed and sure I was doing everything wrong, and while I didn't feel like it at the time, he was an easy-ish baby Grin

Second I was far more relaxed and more ready to go with the flow. Then he got colic... argh!

NinkyNonker · 30/03/2011 15:19

I have heard the laidback parent equals laidback baby thing. DH and I are very chilled with DD, but she is a little bundle of energy!

Melly19MummyToBe · 30/03/2011 15:21

One of my work colleagues was telling me she reckons I'm going to have an 'easy baby' because I'm generally quite relaxed, she told me about when she had her 2 DCs, with her DS she had a really relaxed pregnancy with no stress or anything, and he's so laid back he's almost falling over! But with her DD, she says there was a lot of stress in and around that pregnancy and her DD is really highly strung and gets stressed easily. So who knows really??

dreamingofsun · 30/03/2011 15:21

bit of both. if a baby learns that every time it cries it gets what it wants immediately then it will cry. if you mollycoddle it all the time it will expect this. my last child had to put up with cold baby food being quickly spooned into its mouth at irregular intervals, whenever i got the time - his expectations remained low and he's been the easiest/lovliest child.

nickschick · 30/03/2011 15:21

The laid back thing is crap lol Grin with my first 2 I was straight out of the nursery so I ran them like a business everything was 'just so' with ds3 standards had slipped and id learnt banana sandwiches in the park for lunch and an hour on the swings was better than home and nap .....yet he was the hardest.

working9while5 · 30/03/2011 15:22

I think it's too early to tell if it's parenting when they're babies.

My ds was a nightmare sleeper and screamed like a demon from birth, intensifying from about 12 weeks on. He was literally inconsolable if you left him for a nanosecond. I think, looking back, it related to his traumatic birth. I notice that babies I know who were born in an uncomplicated way, either vaginally or by elective cs's, for example, are often better feeders/sleepers than those born by emcs or forceps etc. I doubt there's research on this but I personally believe it probably has some impact.

Things improved dramatically when he started solids at six months, though we still didn't manage sleeping through for another few months after that.

In behavioural science, behaviour is classified as respondent and operant. Respondent behaviour arises from basic human needs like hunger etc. Operant behaviour is what we think of as "learned" behaviour. Obviously babies' behaviour is, initially, entirely respondent.. but the consequences of these behaviours become "learned" as the infant is not so dependent etc.

It's particularly tricky to judge from the outside with babies - are they hungry? Do they have reflux? are they in some pain that you can't see?

My ds was definitely hungry. I look back at videos of him at 24 weeks before weaning and the difference in his size a mere 4 weeks later. He wasn't thriving on milk alone and so all his behaviour that I couldn't understand (as he was clusterfeeding constantly) was really related to poor intake. This obviously established a poor sleeping pattern which, once the food issue was sorted, still remained, meaning night-time waking was a feature for a long time until eventually we started some sleep conditioning (shush-pat, pick-up-pick-down and gradual withdrawal - all very softly softly but conditioning nonetheless).

I don't think he'd necessarily have grown out of his issues without us guiding him, but I do think that his "easiness" as a baby was to do with intrinsic factors vs him picking up on stress in the household. We were pretty laid back and still are, but he was a very stressy little man between 12 weeks and 6 months. I don't know for certain, but I can't quite see how we could have "trained" him differently during this period of time, so I think it was luck vs parenting.

Gorran · 30/03/2011 15:25

I genuinely don't think you get it all. I have very very easy girls, they are an absolute delight nearly 99% of the time, well behaved, 'nice' children, can take them anywhere, always complimented on them etc. BUT they don't sleep. Simple as that. Terrible, terrible sleepers.

We are reasonably laidback (but at the same time, strict - if that makes any sense?!) and I do believe children feed off their parents a lot of the time so by us being relaxed we seem to have raised very easy-going, adaptable little girls. But I haven't been so lucky where their sleep is concerned!