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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it pot luck to get an "easy" baby or is it down to parenting?

164 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2011 15:03

This came up at lunch today. Im 31 weeks pregnant and said to some colleagues that I really hope we are as lucky with this baby as we have been with our dd and ds. Aside from the obvious hope that this baby is as healthy as our 2 have been, I'm hoping its as "easy" one too.

We are one of those couples who have just been completely flukey when it comes to having an easy time with children (so far!). I dont mean to put that across in a braggy way, I genuinely mean we dont know we're born/ cant sympathise with others at times as we just havent experienced what its like to have a hard time. I suppose theres no point in pretending we're martyrs when we havent a clue.

My cousin has a 4 and a half year old and an (almost) 2 year old, she works full time and is constantly exhausted - as shes up every hour with one or the other child during the night. I feel really sorry for her - Im very careful not to mention what good sleepers mine are etc but her mum is our CM so she knows. Its the same with eating/ tantrums etc.. I think shes pissed off alot of the time with me to be honest and had said when I was pregnant with ds (more than once) that "I hope this one gives you hell". (joke)

My mum and other family members etc reckon this is no ones fault but hers and her DHs (which I think is a little unfair tbh) - that the children are "ruined" and its all down to parenting.

Colleagues at lunch today responded with something similiar after I said I hoped we'd be as lucky again. They said that luck has absolutely nothing to do with it and its down to the parenting/ how relaxed the parents are etc...

Im genuinely prepared to have this one scream every night for a year Grin but am continuously being told (assuming all is well and healthy) that this wont happen, given the way our current dc are.

I have to admit that I am slightly beginning to come around to that school of thought - I wouldnt go so far as to say that its a parents "fault" if their children are really hard work but am starting to think that parenting has to be a huge factor. (Im going to eat my words, arent I Grin)

I dont even know if its an AIBU to be honest, I just find it interesting. Its came up alot.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 30/03/2011 22:32

Does 'sleeping through' = easy baby in most people's minds?

I think I have an easy baby because he rarely screams and shouts and seems to be a happy little bugger, but he wakes me every 2 hours at the moment. I still think I have it easy over all.

BoffinMum · 30/03/2011 22:32

My kids are variable in their handling requirements, but regular meals and bedtimes seem to level things out and optimise their ability to comply with my demands!

AllDirections · 30/03/2011 22:33

Pot luck. All 3 DDs have been bad sleepers but DD2 has been so much easier to parent than the other 2. I could tell DD2 not to do something and the reasons why and she wouldn't do it. DD1 and DD3 would do it just because I'd told them not to!!

Parenting does play a part but you can only mould their personalities not change them. All my DDs are angels at school and for other people so I must have done something right. Then they come home and aaarrrggghhh!

DD1 had tantrums for 12 years but she's turned into a lovely teenager, DD2 is just an angel and always has been and DD3 is well known around town due to her writhing around on the pavement screaming or sitting and refusing to move (preferred version) when she doesn't get her own way!

If I only had DD2 I would be very smug.

Bubbaluv · 30/03/2011 22:34

A bit of both.
If you're calm and centred and under control it must help, but it won't cure reflux will it?
I always feel a bit Hmm when people say that a baby is good because the mother is so relaxed as I wonder how relaxed she'd be if she hadn't slept for 6 months!

benelf · 30/03/2011 22:35

Totally pot luck!!!

I've had one of each, luckily the nightmare one came first!

The number of people who've said "oooh, do you think it's because you're more relaxed?"

Er, no. I was far more relaxed when I only had one child to look after than when I had two under two!!!

fatlazymummy · 30/03/2011 22:52

I think parenting does play a part. I had 3 babies, found them all easy to look after, all slept well. I looked after them all in the same way. I was lucky in that none of them had any health problems or feeding problems but I did get them into a [fairly flexible] routine very quickly. I think it's a bit silly to assume that a baby will just do things when they're ready without any active management from a parent.

RandyRussian · 30/03/2011 22:53

I always reckon the best behaved DCs have the best parents.
Mind you mine are little angels...........Hmm

blueshoes · 30/03/2011 22:55

It is nature rather than nurture. How else would you explain newborn babies (ds) who won't sleep in the hospital cot and would kick up a stink until he was sleeping on me or bf-ing? This is a newborn, so no time for environmental influence to kick in.

Having had 2 non-easy babies, I am quite happy to say I am having an fairly easy time now they are 7 and 4. If a baby does not need much sleep, the parents are exhausted. But as an adult, it is an enormous advantage to need less sleep than average and to be perky when others are drooping from tiredness. I can see both my dcs fall into this category. They are busy bees.

Bubbaluv · 30/03/2011 22:58

Blueshoes, do you think a Mum who is a total stress-pot could make a baby stressed? I agree you get what/who you get, but we are effected by those around us all our lives and I can't see how a baby would not be effected by it's mother's demeanour/state of mind.

blueshoes · 30/03/2011 23:07

I am not sure what a 'stress-pot' mother is. You sound like you have someone in mind.

A stress-pot mother is also genetically more likely to produce a stress-pot child, if you believe there heritable link to personality. So it could still be nature at work.

DitaVonCheese · 30/03/2011 23:23

Dueling same here (so hoping it's not genetic Wink) - DD is a cheerful little thing, rarely tantrums and is impeccably well-behaved according to her pre-school workers, also I think pretty good at eating and even eats veg and stuff. But she's 2.5 yo and still doesn't sleep through the night on anything approaching a regular basis (well, technically she does as she sleeps approx 7 pm to midnight every night, but wakes up reasonably often after that). So I say: pot luck and define easy :)

mummytime · 30/03/2011 23:34

Sorry no-one would have found DS to be easy. DD1 who I found easy by comparison was seen by others as being tricky. Then DD2 was easy, but is now being a bit tricky at 7 in teaching some basic social skills the others had no problems with.

So YABU. At some point Karma will hit, either with this baby or when you hit the teens (or some other time).

helendigestives · 30/03/2011 23:45

My elder brother and sister were apparently lovely babies. I had colic and I screamed, screamed, screamed. Grin I think it's all random.

DuelingFanjo · 30/03/2011 23:47

ERK Dita, DS has his long sleep fairly early and then wakes frequently. Possibly genetic! Wink I was hoping he would change as he gets older. only just got him down now so hoping he might let me sleep until at least 5am.

DitaVonCheese · 30/03/2011 23:51

Hmm ... if we manage a third child then I might have to see if I can father it by someone else then Wink

Morloth · 30/03/2011 23:57

I think it is a bit of both.

Personally DS2 is a bit harder than DS1 but I think because we are both easy going and laidback people anyway, the way we deal with the hard stuff makes it look easier.

I don't worry about stuff to the same level as many of the other mums I know, so I don't stress about it, so it is less of a problem, so the baby seems easier. If you get what I mean.

claretandcheese · 30/03/2011 23:59

I see a familiar pattern here as in RL; i.e. those who coped relatively well attribute this to their parenting style and talk about being relaxed or having routines.

Those who don't, especially those who had different experiences with different children, realise that this is just not that influential. Before I had DC I ( and DH )said, yes of course it's an interaction between nature and nurture. After having them, we both agree it's very little to do with nurture at least when they are very young.

I am certain that, had all three been "easy" we would have smiled ( possibly smugly!) and thought that we were the architects of that situation.

pigletmania · 31/03/2011 00:06

No fabby totally wrong, like adults babies differ in their termperament, my dd has SEN, though we did not know that when she was a baby, could explain why she was so difficult as a baby. The dev paed told is it was nothing to do with our parenting, but they way dd was born.

Thingiebob · 31/03/2011 00:25

This is an interesting thread. My DH and I were having the same conversation the other day as thinking about having no 2.

My little girl is an awful sleeper -she still doesn't sleep through at 14 mnths plus she never got the hang of breastfeeding but apart from that I and family/friends consider her to be an 'easy' baby.
She is in good health, rarely gets unwell, good tempered, interactive from a young age, eats reasonably well, hit all her milestones of her own accord on time or early, seems to learn quickly and never seemed to have colic or be particularly 'screamy'...

I'm terrified the next one will be totally different!

Mumbybumby · 31/03/2011 00:26

Totally pot luck IMO.
DD was a nightmare - wouldn't sleep through until she was 16 months or so and even then it was only because she was co sleeping, wouldn't sleep in her cot/bed. Moved into her own (double) bed at 20 months and is ok now 24 months).
I'd had an easy birth, long labour (2 days) but natural birth, no stitches etc. Was also very laid back - let her develop at her own pace - no hang ups about development etc.

Still she was a nightmare!
DS on the other hand (only 7 weeks) has slept through since he was about 5 days old. Woke up at 4.45 for a couple of days, needing a feed, when he was having a growth spurt but otherwise has slept/will sleep from 9 or 10pm until 7 or 8am.
Was a little worried at first but doctor reassured me he was fine!
I too remember all the unsolicited advice about sleeping and how I should do controlled crying with DD and mustn't spoil her by going to her straight away when she cried etc (i ignored all the 'advice'). I suppose now I can be a little smug as both mine sleep through. DD even lies in at weekends until about 9am.
I'll be enjoying it for now, until DS's first tooth comes I've no doubt! :)

CelebratedMonkey · 31/03/2011 00:57

Pot luck and don't agree that 'mollycoddling' a child makes them less easy. If anything responding to them when they cry (hardly mollycoddling from my POV), it reassures them that you're there if they need you. If your child wakes once in the night, it could be excellent parenting and introduction of GF, but it could just be that they would always wake once in the night.

My DS is 'easy' in terms of his personality. He's a happy chap, rarely cries unless something specific is bothering him like teeth/wet, but he has never needed a lot of sleep. He's not too bad at night but it's been a long struggle to get him to have daytime sleeps and it's irritating to get advice that's just 'put him down and stroke his head' as if that will work on every baby or as if I haven't tried that already. The people who say that just happen to have a baby who responds to that specific thing! Mine is thinking 'ooooh, if I sat up I could play with that, touch that, do that'. One friend clearly has an easy baby (and she may well be super relaxed with him) and cannot comprehend that a baby will not sleep through if you put them down at 7pm. She thinks if you do the same as her, the same results will follow.

/rant over

sleepywombat · 31/03/2011 01:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bubbaluv · 31/03/2011 04:25

My Mum had PND when she had me and went from being very calm to being a proper stressed-out nutter. She's not genetically a stressy person, but by all accounts she managed to make me a very stressy baby (very calm when with my grandmothers etc). I am not genetically stressy either.
I have no doubt that personality plays a big role as an inherited factor, but also I'm sure that environment can (not always mind you) be a major factor.

InspirationalBreadbin · 31/03/2011 07:39

I had a difficult long labour and a forceps delivery with DS. He is classified by everyone I know as an easy baby. Always cheerful, sleeps well, eats well etc. Not convinced by the labour influencing baby's personality argument tbh.

ScroobiousPip · 31/03/2011 08:13

Pot luck.

Although, in response to the 'mollycoddling' comment, I believe there is evidence along the lines that the more you respond to a baby's cries in the first year, the less they cry on average in the second year....