is it pot luck to get an "easy" baby or is it down to parenting?

[BarbieLovesKen]

This came up at lunch today. Im 31 weeks pregnant and said to some colleagues that I really hope we are as lucky with this baby as we have been with our dd and ds. Aside from the obvious hope that this baby is as healthy as our 2 have been, I'm hoping its as "easy" one too.

We are one of those couples who have just been completely flukey when it comes to having an easy time with children (so far!). I dont mean to put that across in a braggy way, I genuinely mean we dont know we're born/ cant sympathise with others at times as we just havent experienced what its like to have a hard time. I suppose theres no point in pretending we're martyrs when we havent a clue.

My cousin has a 4 and a half year old and an (almost) 2 year old, she works full time and is constantly exhausted - as shes up every hour with one or the other child during the night. I feel really sorry for her - Im very careful not to mention what good sleepers mine are etc but her mum is our CM so she knows. Its the same with eating/ tantrums etc.. I think shes pissed off alot of the time with me to be honest and had said when I was pregnant with ds (more than once) that "I hope this one gives you hell". (joke)

My mum and other family members etc reckon this is no ones fault but hers and her DHs (which I think is a little unfair tbh) - that the children are "ruined" and its all down to parenting.

Colleagues at lunch today responded with something similiar after I said I hoped we'd be as lucky again. They said that luck has absolutely nothing to do with it and its down to the parenting/ how relaxed the parents are etc...

Im genuinely prepared to have this one scream every night for a year but am continuously being told (assuming all is well and healthy) that this wont happen, given the way our current dc are.

I have to admit that I am slightly beginning to come around to that school of thought - I wouldnt go so far as to say that its a parents "fault" if their children are really hard work but am starting to think that parenting has to be a huge factor. (Im going to eat my words, arent I )

I dont even know if its an AIBU to be honest, I just find it interesting. Its came up alot.

pot luck. im a shite parent and my DD is brilliant. sleeps from half six to half eight, eats everything, generally happy child. don't know wtf i did.

Pot luck here. I've had one easy baby, and one very difficult baby.... they are both model children now though.

Both imo. Some children have easy going personalities and it would take extremely bad parenting to have difficulties with them whereas others have very difficult personalities/health issues and it takes extremely good parenting not to have difficulties with them.

what's more, just to muddy the waters even further, I think that certain parenting styles are probably more suited to certain personality types as well.

but surely it's really hard to know what kind of baby you've got? at least first time around? I mean, in retrospect it's bloody obvious to me that DD (2.2) was quite sensitive, prone to be over-stimulated, very visual, possibly not good at giving clear cues to her needs...but I didn't know any of this useful information when she was tiny!! She wasn't easy, but she wasn't terribly hard - she's a fairly easy toddler (relatively speaking) even if she is impervious to instruction...I think it's more that some babies are more responsive to parental direction than others. DD wouldn't ever do what we wanted her to do as a baby...

pot luck IMO - I have two that slept through from 5-6weeks, 10 hours a night... my almost 2 year old has only slept through once so far, usually wakes 4 times minimum for a feed. I wouldn't class him as difficult - he's a delight and not colicky or anything, just never slept through.

Hopefully OP you will hit the jackpot again this time round, but don't count on it :-) I was really surprised that no.3 isn't a good sleeper...

Definitely pot luck. My DD is the most easy baby, slept through from three weeks old and is a very chilled out little person. Absolutely nothing to do with her stressed out mother. Just luck IMO.

It is down to luck in my opinion, whilst good mothering can also help. In my experience, when my DC were babies:-

DD1 was a poor sleeper and liked constant attention.

DD2 was easy and good as gold.

DD3 needed more attention than DD2 but less than DD1.

DS was a good sleeper, but liked lots of day time attention.

Now they are teenagers DD2 needs more attention than the other three put together!

Of course all four benefit from my exemplary mothering skills!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jinglemum I think parenting plays a large part in a child's behaviour, and I think instilling good behaviours early on is important BUT I don't think parenting can really determine whether you have an easy baby. Some babies sleep better than others, some cry a lot, some are placid etc etc. I do think how you deal with it can have an effect (especially in the long term and how they develop into children) but some babies will cry no matter what you do, some won't sleep much etc.

Does that make sense?

thanks AllDirections and FreakoidOrganisoid that makes more sense to me now, parenting does play a fairly big part in a child's behaviour, but will not change their personality eg - if they are a cryer they probably always will be, if they don't sleep very well then nothing you do can make them suddenly sleep 12 hours straight - that right?

Yep, I agree. You can work with a child to enforce politeness, sharing, general social skills like that. You can also do your best to give them a wide range of foods and allow them the time to rest as much as they need (rather than keeping them up half the night and wondering why they act up). But you can't force a child to sleep more than they need, or to eat everything if they are naturally fussy (supertasters), or to sit down all day if they have bags of energy. Those things are part of their physical make-up.

I tend to think that each child has a range, and you do your best, but you are always working within that range.

When my child behaves well it is down to my good parenting, when they don't it is down to genetics on their fathers side!

My dd had horrendous colick and reflux and barely slept for the first few weeks of her life. Now suddenly at 12 weeks she is an angel and sleeps right through. Nothing we have done has changed, which I think sometimes there are factors beyond the parents control that affect dcs behaviour. However as they get older I think parenting does make a difference, but earlier issues may have created patterns and associations that are really hard to break... Fingers crossed you'll have an easy time again. Jealous!

I'm totally with Freak on this, and this was what I found so utterly, utterly knackering/debilitating/frustrating, was that our DS (8 months old), would just not notch up more than 2 - 3 hours sleep at night in a row, AND was waking at 5am. Hell, some days it was 4.30am.

And this was with me watching every single cue, giving him a happy, comfortable environment to sleep and play in, lots of cuddles, attention and breastfeeding on demand. And I wouldn't say he was a 'bad' sleeper! Just normal!

The only thing that has changed in order for him to be sleeping longer is that he's older and ready to do it.