is it pot luck to get an "easy" baby or is it down to parenting?

[BarbieLovesKen]

This came up at lunch today. Im 31 weeks pregnant and said to some colleagues that I really hope we are as lucky with this baby as we have been with our dd and ds. Aside from the obvious hope that this baby is as healthy as our 2 have been, I'm hoping its as "easy" one too.

We are one of those couples who have just been completely flukey when it comes to having an easy time with children (so far!). I dont mean to put that across in a braggy way, I genuinely mean we dont know we're born/ cant sympathise with others at times as we just havent experienced what its like to have a hard time. I suppose theres no point in pretending we're martyrs when we havent a clue.

My cousin has a 4 and a half year old and an (almost) 2 year old, she works full time and is constantly exhausted - as shes up every hour with one or the other child during the night. I feel really sorry for her - Im very careful not to mention what good sleepers mine are etc but her mum is our CM so she knows. Its the same with eating/ tantrums etc.. I think shes pissed off alot of the time with me to be honest and had said when I was pregnant with ds (more than once) that "I hope this one gives you hell". (joke)

My mum and other family members etc reckon this is no ones fault but hers and her DHs (which I think is a little unfair tbh) - that the children are "ruined" and its all down to parenting.

Colleagues at lunch today responded with something similiar after I said I hoped we'd be as lucky again. They said that luck has absolutely nothing to do with it and its down to the parenting/ how relaxed the parents are etc...

Im genuinely prepared to have this one scream every night for a year but am continuously being told (assuming all is well and healthy) that this wont happen, given the way our current dc are.

I have to admit that I am slightly beginning to come around to that school of thought - I wouldnt go so far as to say that its a parents "fault" if their children are really hard work but am starting to think that parenting has to be a huge factor. (Im going to eat my words, arent I )

I dont even know if its an AIBU to be honest, I just find it interesting. Its came up alot.

Pot luck.

DS1 was a very difficult baby and wasn't really happy until he was about 18mths. However, he was a lovely toddler

DS2 was a dream baby and I had a very difficult labour and delivery (forceps).

I love it when smug twats who had Easy PFBs get a really difficult baby. I offer no sypmathy as their constant need to utter phrases such as "routine", "chilled out parents make for chilled out babies" etc. really got on my tits when I was seriously struggling with DS1.

Gorran - your girls sound just like my boys. A dream during the day. Gorgeous, friendly, so well-behaved, funny, happy. People (well, old ladies!) stop me in the street to tell me how lovely my baby is and his big brother is equally lovely. But they don't sleep. Well, the baby sleeps through sometimes. The 4-year-old doesn't often.

I think people have different definitions of easy. One of my friends says things like: "My oldest didn't sleep through until she was - gasp - FIVE MONTHS" and I laugh ruefully (when I can stop yawning).

And my nephew is what I'd consider an 'easy' 2-year-old. He sleeps like a baby (ha ha), doesn't wriggle for nappy changes, eats everything you put in front of him, tidies his toys when you ask him to, etc. But my pregnant sis-in-law says she's hoping for an easy baby this time because he's been such a nightmare. Weirdly, my bro-in-law thinks his son has been very easy and is worried the new baby will be difficult!

pot luck.
dd1 was a crap sleeper but otherwise a very smiley, easy to feed, putdownable, contented baby.
dd2, erm, isn't. she is 5mo and i still cannot ever put her down. won't be held by someone else, gets overtired easily, won't take a dummy, wants to feed all the time etc......

Pot Luck methinks...

a cousin of hubs has just had a baby that sleeps and day and is awake all night!

Must be very difficult for them!

Pot luck. If you haven't had a baby with non-stop reflux, you are lucky. If you haven't had one with Aspergers, you are lucky. If you haven't had one who is just downright awkward, you are lucky. And so on. My others are textbook babies - have slept through since birth, eat everything, don't have tantrums, blah-di-blah. I am queen of routine and believe me, there are some babies who just don't go for it.

I think it is a mixture of both, heavily weighted towards luck.
DS1 was an fab sleeper but I was a neurotic and paranoid first time Mother. It was certainly down to luck.
DS2 was also a fab sleeper and that could have been a mixture of luck and me being slightly more relaxed.

I am so lucky that neither had reflux, both were good weights and had no health problems and that I didn't suffer from PND. Both DH and I were good sleepers and I was very healthy (DH was healthy as a baby, not so much as a toddler).

I would never put the fact that both boys were easy babies down to our parenting, because I don't for one moment think it was. When you are getting a good nights sleep parenting seems soooo much easier.

It's partly down to the baby's own personality and temprament (which is down to the luck of the genes, but still a result of the parents in a genetic way) and definately also partly down to parnting, or the parents' personalities

I think it's definitely a combination, but pot luck may predominate in some circumstances, and parenting might in others.

I mean, an ill child may not be easy regardless of parenting. A very, very pliable (for want of a far better word ) child may be easy if the parents behave in a certain way, and demanding if they behave differently.

Then, we must factor in the parents' perceptions: I mean, some parents will find a clingy baby easy if they enjoy being clung to!

Sorry, I was just talking about the baby stage, both mine slept through from 6-8 weeks which I know was down to luck and genes possibly. DH and I both love our sleep and always have.
When a child gets to toddler hood then a combination, but again luck regarding health/SN applies.
We've had phases of hell with our two boys, DS2 is far more strongwilled than his laid back brother but we have always been very consistent in our approach to tantrums/behaviour.

I have known a few awkward babies/toddlers who are now absolutely delightful children.

I really do think that sleep is such a major factor, I cannot function on little/no sleep and my parenting is shite if I am shattered tbh.

I agree its nature V's nurture. I think when they are babies its hard to change the way they 'behave' through parenting. A baby will scream with pain, hunger, tireness etc as thats how they communicate. I do believe though medical problems a side if your relaxed baby is too.

I do think a lot of whether a child will scream/ tantrum as they get older is due to personality but its how you deal with it that will make the difference.

I do think though as they get older it does become more of a parenting issue. Your child may still be strong willed but you can teach them how to control their anger, distract, give space when needed and talk later etc. Allowing a child you call you names, hit you and kick just because they're strong willed and not having consequences to bad behaviour because it makes them harder/ worse behaved is when you start to create problems. EG a child will soon learn how much screaming/hitting etc they have to do to get what they want and will soon missout the build up as it wastes time.

Pot luck. No more no less. My currently gorgeous, easy going, helpful and generally delightful 16 yr old DD was a cranky, wakeful, screaming, unputdownable horror as a baby ( good job she was very cute!). My best friend's DD was the opposite. I know she judged me although she said nothing. Our DS's were the opposite. As she had never said anything she didn't comment on this but I know she radically altered her opinion on the effects of parenting on babies/toddler's behaviour!

My son was an easy baby.

Bloody lucky as until I had him I hadn't even held a baby. I never even winded him because I didn't know how. He didn't cry, didn't have colic, slept all night - easy peasy!

Although I'd now be worried about having another one after him, the next one may end up being really hard work.

Is definately pot luck, not parenting skills (I didn't have any).

My ex turned violent during my pregnancy and I was always worried that the stress would affect my baby, but luckily it never did.

When I had dd1 it was definitely parenting that made her easy.

Pot luck ........... to an extent - I do think some parents 'molly coddle' their babies so much, ie: pick them up the minute they wimper, are over cautious etc etc which can make a baby anxious. My DS had a very traumatic birth but was a very 'good' sleeper -I think this was due to the fact that I got him into a GF routine as soon as he was born; he slept in his own room, in his cot and was feed once in the night. He never 'got used' to being picked up or rocked to sleep so he learned to sleep on his own (or were we just lucky ?).

However my parenting skills with a stroppy ten year old are clearly lacking !!

I have seen a mother take a really easy baby - I mean, a baby who fed brilliantly from the off, had no issues with colic, slept really well - and turn him into a 'difficult' child in her head, because she desperately wanted him to follow the GF routine and he wasn't going to. I mean, he had his own easy routine going on, she just wanted him to be different. So sad.

Pot luck. I am the eldest, and my Mum says I was a very easy baby [halo emoticon].

My younger sister was a nightmare child. In recent years she's had some food allergies diagnosed, which explain a lot.

Friends have also reported having one easy child and one less-easy one, despite no change in their parenting approach.

My own DD1 has been quite a difficult child so far. Currently pregnant with DC2 and really hoping for an easy baby this time!

I think it's luck, I'm not prepared to test it either after DD was a pretty easy baby. Don't think I'll have any more.

Cannot say 100%.
I used to baysit alot when I was 18. I am now 52. Once I had my 3 regular children, then about 8, 6 and 4 plus a 5 month old baby that belonged to friends of my other charges' parents.
I remember that I met the baby, Adam, and sat on the floor with him for a while and he smiled at me.
After that all parents departed, I had the usual task of putting "mine" to bed and then feeding Adam, whereupon he did a large burp and fell asleep.
His parents collected him from the family playroom, where he was asleep in his carrycot.
This was in about 1975.
Obviously such a situation could never happen today, but all parents were either doctors or nurses. I made a lot of useful pocketmoney in those days.

My two kids are so different it must be luck.

And dd is both a 'difficult' (non-sleeping) and 'easy' (early talking) baby at the same time. I think I could be training her but those things are characte flaws that are neither my fault or my success. I don't take credit OR blame !

still think its partly how you treat them and encourage/discourage bad behaviour, temperament and wider environment (including siblings or lack of). Similar to how you bring up a dog - they need firm handling, love, stimulation, direction, food and exercise - but you still get the odd handful.

I think parenting does play a part and you can definitely make things 'worse' (speaking as someone who had two terrible sleepers) but the thing is, if you have a baby who is not disposed towards sleeping in the first place, you will be more tired, and therefore less able to implement good parenting practice whatever that might be. It's a vicious circle. And then once you're sleep deprived it affects your ability to cope so you also perceive things as being more difficult than they actually are.

I think there must be an element of "goodness of fit". My friend thinks her baby is easy because she is amenable to a routine and that fits her parents. A routine driven baby would not have been an easy baby for me, and instead my flexible, deals well with changing meal times and bed times children worked for me. And then we respond to them, and they respond to us, and our interactions are constantly changing. It's transactional surely? Is it even possible, in this as in so many things, to tease out the genetic and the environmental?

Agree with those saying pot luck. My babies were completely different, even in the womb. If we had had DS first, we would have stopped at one!