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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is it pot luck to get an "easy" baby or is it down to parenting?

164 replies

BarbieLovesKen · 30/03/2011 15:03

This came up at lunch today. Im 31 weeks pregnant and said to some colleagues that I really hope we are as lucky with this baby as we have been with our dd and ds. Aside from the obvious hope that this baby is as healthy as our 2 have been, I'm hoping its as "easy" one too.

We are one of those couples who have just been completely flukey when it comes to having an easy time with children (so far!). I dont mean to put that across in a braggy way, I genuinely mean we dont know we're born/ cant sympathise with others at times as we just havent experienced what its like to have a hard time. I suppose theres no point in pretending we're martyrs when we havent a clue.

My cousin has a 4 and a half year old and an (almost) 2 year old, she works full time and is constantly exhausted - as shes up every hour with one or the other child during the night. I feel really sorry for her - Im very careful not to mention what good sleepers mine are etc but her mum is our CM so she knows. Its the same with eating/ tantrums etc.. I think shes pissed off alot of the time with me to be honest and had said when I was pregnant with ds (more than once) that "I hope this one gives you hell". (joke)

My mum and other family members etc reckon this is no ones fault but hers and her DHs (which I think is a little unfair tbh) - that the children are "ruined" and its all down to parenting.

Colleagues at lunch today responded with something similiar after I said I hoped we'd be as lucky again. They said that luck has absolutely nothing to do with it and its down to the parenting/ how relaxed the parents are etc...

Im genuinely prepared to have this one scream every night for a year Grin but am continuously being told (assuming all is well and healthy) that this wont happen, given the way our current dc are.

I have to admit that I am slightly beginning to come around to that school of thought - I wouldnt go so far as to say that its a parents "fault" if their children are really hard work but am starting to think that parenting has to be a huge factor. (Im going to eat my words, arent I Grin)

I dont even know if its an AIBU to be honest, I just find it interesting. Its came up alot.

OP posts:
onesandwichshort · 30/03/2011 19:14

I think that what someone said about how you experience things is really important - because what is easy?

I would have said DD is easy, but we did have terrible problems with weight gain and feeding and early sleep. But somehow I don't think of any of that as having to do with her personality, it was just circumstances (terrible birth too, ditto). I used to cluster feed all evening for I don't know how long.

But in herself, she is definitely easy - doesn't run out into the road, very good at entertaining herself since she was 2, etc etc. That's her, the feeding wasn;t I don't think. But perhaps someone else would have found the same behaviour difficult.

And, fwiw, I don't think anyone ever parents two children exactly the same way. Quite apart from fitting round the first one, the interaction between parent & child personalities must make it different each time.

2cats2many · 30/03/2011 19:17

I think it's a bit of both. Some babies are definitely born easier than others, but some parents seem to make things more difficult for themselves too than they have to as well.

gateacre1 · 30/03/2011 19:24

Luck and birth experience

dd1, awful pregnancy after 2 mc so I was very nervous, hyperemesis, hospitalisation etc Horrendous instrumental delivery
we came home from the hospital with a baby that screamed literally all day and night, she slept upright on my chest for weeks and we would spend hours at night trying to soothe her.
she however is a really good eater and (touches wood) good sleeper although hit and miss with potty training.

dd2 less significant hyperemis during pregnancy, elective C section
slept for the first 3 weeks ( I had to wake to feed her day and night)
She is a very content baby and only really 'grizzles' late afternoon

If sleeping through means being put down to sleep at 7 and then waking for 2 feeds but going straight back to sleep until 8 then she has done that from 3 weeks.

not sure how the weaning or potty training will go, fingers crossed

pigletmania · 30/03/2011 19:49

No its pot luck and good ole genetics I am afraid, my dd 4 has social communication difficulties possible ASD awaiting dx, and she was a very hard baby, not contented at all, I hated it, she only got better as she got older and you can reason with her, because of her difficulties she is prone to temper tantrums at times. There was noway I was told by the Dev Paed that it was my parenting as I blamed myself.

pigletmania · 30/03/2011 19:50

We love her dearly and would never imagine a life without her I hasten to add.

FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 19:51

I do believe that it is down to parenting, how you behave with your baby from the start forms how their personality will turn out.

nethunsreject · 30/03/2011 19:52

Pot luck.

Ds2 is a NIGHTMARE.

Fresh2death · 30/03/2011 19:53

is it pot luck to get an "easy" baby or is it down to parenting?

just pick the one with "easy" on the box and that comes with the advanced instruction book

SharkSkinThing · 30/03/2011 20:10

I'm with NinkyNonker - both DP and I are verrrry chilled people but also seem to have produced a baby-sized bundle of pure energy. He's a total delight and laughs his head off all day long - but he's ready to rock at 5am, and wakes frequently at night. Not crying - just awake!!

We nudge as much as we can to encourage him to become a good/longer sleeper and to not label him as a 'bad' sleeper, he is, after all, only 8 months old, and is programmed to wake for survival!

heliumballoons · 30/03/2011 20:12

fresh Grin

Fresh2death · 30/03/2011 20:13

stupid post eh

PfftTheMagicDragon · 30/03/2011 20:14

I think that it is very easy to get a little smug when you have an easy baby first. Then you get the shock of your life second time around.

I had a hard time with DS, then DD was easy. Pot luck.

outofthefryingpan · 30/03/2011 20:16

Definitely nature NOT nurture.

We're all different and there is no magic formula.

ssmile · 30/03/2011 20:23

FAB thread makes me feel more human. We have lovely DD now 4 but has only just (she whispers...) starting sleeping through the night despite doing it all 'by the book' routine etc. blaming ourselves wondering what we were doing that was SO wrong but then talking to all our friends family and thinking 'we do that' But she lovely and lively during the day. No 2 is on its way we praying it is a little easier this time around...xxx

maccie · 30/03/2011 20:24

pot luck absolutely.

DC1 a dream in every way imaginable.slept through, eat everything, healthy, happy ,sociable ,easy going.

DC2 a sickly child from birth, rarely slept, food was unnecessary in her view, but the most affectionate, unselfish and independant.

DC3 sleeps okay. eats enough with encouragement. a challenge always, clingey, opionated,and livewire.

All parented in the same way but all completely differant children. What worked so well with DC1 didnt work at all for DC2 and what works for DC3 I'm still trying to figure out

Chulita · 30/03/2011 20:28

Pot luck. I reckon I'm pretty chilled out and yet have 2 live-wire non-sleeping children. DS is a bit calmer than DD (so far) and DD has grown into a very well-behaved 2 year old after being an insanely bad sleeper as a baby. My parents had 7 children and both say none of theirs were as alert as DD. I think you take what you're given! My sister has 4 and although they were all good sleepers, her 6 year old is giving her trouble now so maybe different children have difficult stages at different ages.

bulby · 30/03/2011 20:30

Ihad the baby that most people get second and comment 'i'd have never had another if my first was like that!' well my first was like that and I am not having another Smile. The first few months were hell but strangely she is now a very easy (well usually) toddler. I do not think either the horror months or the easy toddler years are due to anything other than luck in my case.

coppertop · 30/03/2011 20:32

It's pure luck.

I have two who were terrible sleepers. One slept for no more than 4 hours in every 24, and even that was only in 20min bursts. The other would sleep for a couple of hours at a time but only after around 2am. Even now (aged 8yrs) he has to take (prescribed) medication to get him to sleep before midnight.

The other two were/are very easy. I'd love to be able to take the credit for that but tbh it's nothing that I've done or haven't done. I didn't even really have to go through the dreaded toilet training with dd1. She decided one day that she wanted to wear knickers and that was that.

If the two girls had been born first I think I could well have become Mrs Smug and wittered on about how wonderfully easy it all was and how other parents should just relax a little more and then they could be as perfect as me. Thankfully the boys arrived first, otherwise it would have been a terrible shock to the system to find out that actually it was down to the luck of the draw.

Bonsoir · 30/03/2011 20:46

I think there is quite a lot of perception at play. I have always found my DD super easy, but when I tell people that she has never gone to bed before me in her life they always sympathise and think I must have had a terrible time!

LeQueen · 30/03/2011 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

redpanda13 · 30/03/2011 21:29

Pot luck
I had a horrible birth experience and was the most neurotic, fussy new mother out. No experience of babies at all.
Happy, chilled out, easy baby.
She did become a little madam at 3 though :(

emy72 · 30/03/2011 22:07

I think it's mostly pot luck, from my limited experience of 4 children.

I have had 3 very easy children and one (my third), who didn't sleep through until he was 3 - even then he still has disturbed nights. He is very different from the other 3 in so many ways, and I think it is just the way he is. 2 out of 4 were incredibly easy and slept through from very very early on (the second and the fourth) and our first daughter was a good sleeper but used to find it hard to go to sleep (mainly due to us rocking her to sleep all the time as most new parents do!!!).

Good luck!

Plumm · 30/03/2011 22:14

Pot luck.

DD1 was a good sleeper which we put down to: putting her straight in her own room, never letting her fall asleep on us/on the bottle, having a good routine.

DD2 (only 4 weeks so may change!) is an even better sleeper but does not sleep in her own room, constantly falls asleep on us/on the bottle, does not have a routine (has to work around DDs school and social life). She's (mostly) slept thorugh since a week old.

We are very, very lucky parents.

SoSaysSarah · 30/03/2011 22:28

DD1. So easy! Slept 12 hrs a night from 3 months. Placid, confident, independant. Weaning was easy, potty training a breeze. Was feeling smug and convinced it was down to all the books I had read.

DD2
1st 3 months were colic hell. Now 12 months demands CONSTANT attention or will scream. Currently wakes on average 2 times a night. Keeps up a low level of 'whine' throughout the day. Seems to find hitting me in the face amusing

ninedragons · 30/03/2011 22:32

Pot luck. But don't get too comfortable if you have an angel baby - DD1 was very chilled but hit about 12 months and turned into a high-octane toddler. Not difficult, but who needs to hear MUMMY!!! I WANT ANOTHER STORY!! coming from the cot at 2am?