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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
marl · 30/03/2011 20:07

YANBU. I think it's also worth thinking about the fact that the son may inherit money from his mother/mother's family. Potentially your DD and any future children you have together would then ultimately inherit less than your DP's DS? I have a son from my first marriage and two children with my DP. My first son doesn't inherit from my DPs lump sum although mine is divided three ways in my will. We are agreed that this will account for the fact that DS1 will inherit from his father. I don't feel funny about that.

sarahtigh · 30/03/2011 21:03

it is possible that the ex wanted a child and used OP's DP as a sperm donor,
unfortunately i do know women you have cut fathers out of childrens lives because they have a new partner an want child to call him daddy and move on and so do everything possible to stop contact, changing times dates not turning up said he did turn up as they changed time but did not tell,

lots of men behave badly but we have to acknowledge women also behave badly sometimes there is not always a good reason

I think some of the posts are really hard on OP and her DP implying she is so thick she can't see her DP is a money grabbing potential abuser and loser, from her posts she indicates that she cares deeply about him wants to marry him and is happy generally she has a dilemma and now has to deal with loads of people being really horrible about him when they don't know him

hope you get good chat tonight and sort it out but personally would put it in bank and then make wills when you get married as any will you make now will be invalidated by marriage, there is loads and loads of time to plan money for both of your children it is 12 years before DSS is 18, good luck to you both

Laquitar · 30/03/2011 21:07

Tbh after reading the rest of the thread the money would be the least of my worries. I would need to know facts, why is she moving around, why she didn't want him to be alone with the child, why does she prefer her son not to have any contact with his father? I wouldn't sleep in the night if i didn't have answers.

What about old friends? His ex's family? Is he not in touch with any of them?

Laquitar · 30/03/2011 21:17

In this case sarahtigh he must have some long term friends or family members who can confirm this?

I wouldn't employ a secretary with a gap in her cv, so i wouldn't marry a man with a big chunk of his life missing .

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 21:35

Laq, he hasnt got a big chunk of life missing! Stop being so melodramatic!

His ex has taken his son away and done everything she can to stop him seeing his DS. As I and others have pointed out, sometimes some women do this for no good reason. They just dont want their ex around and they are selfish enough to deprive a child of its father in order to do that. This man and his DS are both victims of that kind of woman. That is hardly grounds for the OP to give him the third degree and call off the wedding.

There have been no allegations of abuse to either the ex or the DS and the OP is satisfied that her DP has done his best to trace the child within their means. His current hesitation is understandable, he hasnt seen the boy in 4 years and doesnt know what he will find if and when he does have contact. Will the boy have another "Daddy"? At the very least there will be one very confused and upset little boy, and no one with an ounce of empathy would go into that without long and careful consideration.

Implying that there is more to this than meets the eye insults the OP and her DP and is very unhelpful.

Laquitar · 30/03/2011 21:38

Nobody tries to insult OP ffs!

You are assuming that he is the victim. But the fact is we don't know.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 21:39

Katiekitty, you will also find that lettings and managing agents are very keen to give bad tenants good references to ensure they skip along to the next property (they can trash) really quickly, rather than sulking around their current property drawing little cars with spirit marker on the walls (all of them) while flat hunting and never having any luck.

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 21:42

I know that the OP has explained the situation as far as she understands it and she states that there have been no allegations of abuse, no reason for her to take the son away other than she wanted to.

She didnt even tell the OPs DP that she was pregnant, he found out second hand.

So yes, I do assume he is the victim because the OP has said so and with no proof to the contrary I am prepared to take her word for it! You on the other hand are making assumptions that there is more to this than she says with no evidence from anywhere! Some women are complete selfish bitches, in the same way that some men are selfish bastards, why is that so hard to accept?

muminthemiddle · 30/03/2011 21:47

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. I think you are investing/spending the money wisely. Sorry for you loss btw.

Portofino · 30/03/2011 21:49

Well as the OP explained that the DS was the result of a very brief relationship, the DP obviously saw his son regularly until he was 2, has continued to try to find him, and continues to pay child support (when many men in this situation just feck off and pay nothing), and now he wants to ensure the 2 children he has are treated equally - I would be prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt that he is not some kind of mega-bastard.

I still don't think the OP should put a big wedge of cash into trust for him. She has been given some much better suggestions on how to handle this in a fair way.

shakey1500 · 30/03/2011 21:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

Portofino · 30/03/2011 21:51

There is far too much projection going on in this thread imho.

Laquitar · 30/03/2011 21:53

No i am not making assuptions 'that there is more to this than she says' , i am saying that i would be very uncomfortable if i had unanswered questions. The OP is free to ignore us.

Portofino · 30/03/2011 21:55

Op doesn't have loads of unanswered questions though presumably?

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 21:55

But how can the OPs DP answer those questions?! He doesnt know himself, and without the ex being around, he is unlikely to find out. Calling off their wedding wont change his exes attitude will it?

Skinit · 30/03/2011 21:56

Its not as though the OP is refusing part of the household income for her partners son...she is justified in refusing her inheritance though. It's HERS....it was left to her. She can do with it as she chooses.

If I were lef money my DH would consider it mine...I would consider hie inheritance his to spend or save as he sees fit.

Its not the same as income.

Laquitar · 30/03/2011 22:02

I would expect to meet some long term friends of my dp and family members. OP seems to have only his word and i'm puzzled that there are not other people around who know the story. Even if it was a brief relationship it is a big part of his life.

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 22:12

Why is that strange? When my DH lived away he didnt have any long term friends there, they were all in the town where he came from and where we live now, same with his family. They wouldnt (and didnt, I just asked him) meet a gf that he went out with for a few months in between visits home, so they wouldnt know anything about her.

Why should his friends and family know anything about a short lived relationship that was only a big part of his life because of what he found out after they had broken up?

Original poster
moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 22:13

Hello, I am back.

Believe me, when I first got together with my DP & he explained what had happened (although I knew a bit about it through mutual friends) my first questions were "why? what did you do? there must be more to it!" but there really isn't. There was no violence or abuse, he wasn't a risk to their child, it was just the way she wanted it to be. I know he has been honest with me about it, his closest friends & family have spoken to me about it all, plus I've seen all of the email contact from when he first found out she was pregnant until she vanished.

I don't know why she did it, and I don't know how she is managing to move around, maybe family are helping her with the costs, maybe she moved in with a new man, who knows?! I would hope that wherever she is now she is settled, as DP's son is school age now & being uprooted constantly would probably be even more unsettling as he's getting older.

We had quite a good talk about it tonight after dinner, and he is in agreement that the best thing would be to put whatever additional savings we have into something in my name for the moment, as we don't know what the future will hold. He has agreed that he should look into some legal advice again as we will have the funds for it, so I guess that's progress for us.

OP posts:
missslc · 30/03/2011 22:13

yanbu- let him generate some savings for his son- this is from your grandfather for you to choose how you spend it and the son does'nt live with you as a family- would his mother put some money aside for your daughter?I doubt it.

Laquitar · 30/03/2011 22:23

Fair enough moneydilemma. We didn't know that you have spoken to friends and family and read the e-mails.

It is good that you have talked again tonight and your agreement sounds sensible.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/03/2011 22:55

Fair enough from me, as well. As one of the people who was initially suspicious of your DP, the more info you give the less of a cocklodging con artist he sounds. And I am not one of those who believe that women are always innocent, so it may well be that his DS' mother is determined to keep the boy from having a relationship with his dad.
Good luck with making progress on this, anyway.

dinosaurkisses · 30/03/2011 22:56

That's a good outcome moneydilemma- great that you came to a agreement

magickcat · 31/03/2011 00:11

Yanbu. Surely it is your dp's responsibility to save if he wants his son to have money when older?

plopplopquack · 31/03/2011 10:13

moneydilemma Sounds like a good plan Smile