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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 18:47

SHould add that imo there are plenty of people willing to have a go at deadbeat Dads, but this type of mother is far worse imo and is largely allowed to get away with it.

LIZS · 30/03/2011 18:48

Sorry not read all the posts but going back to OP. Presumably you have no relationship with dp's son, have not met him nor has he met your dd. You are therefore not a family unit. Your dp presumably hopes that will change at some point in the future so I don't think it is unreasonable of him to think you may yet want to have some provision for him between you. However if you can set some aside speicifically for your dd now, as a legacy from her great grandad, and keep more of the legacy ringfenced, not necessarily for dp's ds or any future dc atm but as a family fund, that may at least make your dp feel his son is included. If he wants to have a specific account for his ds presumably he could do so from his income/savings and you can add to it as and when joint finances allow.

FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 18:49

I think it is possible she has met someone else and the child calls him dad.

She may well even have changed the child's name.

Your bf do have any actual rights with regards visitation he was never married to the girl.

FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 18:49

Thats doesnt have any rights.

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 18:50

No they are not Winter but by the same token, you cant assume that all fathers who say they are in this situation are liars.

I am sure Fathers For Justice would have something to say about that.

Katiekitty · 30/03/2011 18:51

Hully

you say:

And you know how you get a reference...Ohh it's so hard. You give your mate's address and mobile phone number - and they LIE for you!!! Imagine.

And as for the "how can she move around" thing, do you really have so little idea of how so many people live?

You move to a different borough, you put in a new claim..etc etc. You say you were forced to run because of x,y and z, any old shit. You think they check?

I say, having rented for over 20 years and moved several times, I know different from this. Do you speak from experience, or only rent from dodgy, unlicensed agents wo aren't registered?

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 30/03/2011 18:52

Wrong again Fabby. Thats not at all how it works, marriage doesn't come into it.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/03/2011 18:53

Indeed Hully. Men do not have the monopoly on being complete wankers and/or cutting people out of their lives for spurious reasons. As I have proven in the past.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 18:54

Katiekitty - if you read my post, which you quoted, you will see it says "". Does that not offer a clue as to my experience?

Likewise an earlier post in which I referenced a job I had had.

Why does no one on this thread read posts?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/03/2011 18:58

Maybe she can afford to move because she has a portable and well paid profession. It happens - women have careers these days and allsorts. We just don't know (nor is it relevant really).

( Bogey Fathers 4 Justice are tossers. IME. Or am I confusing them with Families Need Fathers?).

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 18:58

"SHould add that imo there are plenty of people willing to have a go at deadbeat Dads, but this type of mother is far worse imo and is largely allowed to get away with it."

Have to disagree that they're worse, both types are as bad as one another.

I do hope the OP manages to work things out with her DP though.

MissGreatBritain · 30/03/2011 18:59

I think you're absolutely right. Haven't read the whole thread, but DH and I have a DS, but I have a DD from a previous marriage. As my DD will stand to inherit (potentially) from her dad as well as from me, I don't see that DH should divide his estate into 2. His money should go to his son. My money will be split equally between my 2 children and if one ends up richer than the other there's not much I can do about it. It's simple - your money goes to your child, his money to his children.

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 18:59

Jenai F4J are tossers, I think Bogey was getting mixed with the two.

Satireisbest · 30/03/2011 19:02

I've read before on MN that it is a misogynistic myth that some women stop contact. Which I found ridiculous having witnessed it.

I think most people can't understand why someone for no valid reason would block contact and I suppose not understand why someone wouldn't pay child support.

But that's because we're all nice people.

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 19:02

Well I think they are worse because alot of these women put more effort into keeping their kids away from the father than they do into making sure their kids are getting the relationship they need with both parents. Alot of the fathers just cant be arsed, which isnt right but doesnt show the same level of determination to be utterly selfish.

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 19:03

I dont have much experience of either F4J or FNF but I think I did mean FNF actually so thanks for the correction!

TidyDancer · 30/03/2011 19:03

Haven't read the whole thing I'll admit, but on the basis of just your posts, OP, YANBU.

onceamai · 30/03/2011 19:06

I haven't read it all but YANBU. You have all the assets in this relationship and DH is benefitting from them and hasn't his child since you got together. There is nothing to stop DH from starting a savings plan for his child so that he has something to give later on but you are not responsible for DH's child. I think you also should ensure that you see a solicitor to ensure you have a will and there is a written agreement in connecton with your assets in the event that anything ever happens to you and to ensure dd's security in the future.

Satireisbest · 30/03/2011 19:09

FNF are good.
F4J are twats.

Thornykate · 30/03/2011 19:09

YANBU

When I have inherited money I always feel very precious about how it is spent. For example I have no problem spending my own hard earned cash on a nice handbag or shoes but I could never spend the money my Grandad left me on anything like that as I know he worked hard for his money & wouldn't approve of that sort of spending.

What I am trying to say is that if you know that the person who left you the money wanted you to invest in property & your DD's future then don't be swayed by what anyone else suggests to you.

Katiekitty · 30/03/2011 19:10

Hully

I thought the "bitter landlord" refered to the OPs DPs exs landlords. How could I have known you were referring to yourself?

So, you are a landlord? I am amazed you have been ripped off from tenants with fake referenes. Each and every time I have moved, I've been told by agencies that it will take up to two weeks to check references.

Different strokes and all that, but maybe you want to check references more thoroughly in future as you've been ripped off. Which is hard when deposits are held in protected accounts these days, so maybe a check of previous 'rent books' i.e. payment statements from standing orders or the bank may help you. Genuine advice here from me, sorry to hear you've been ripped off by tenants. Some do give genuine ones a bad name.

Let me know if you have anything in Nottingham, I may have to move soon

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 19:14

That is very sweet Katie. I'll bear your advice in mind

Katiekitty · 30/03/2011 19:15

Jenai you say: Maybe she can afford to move because she has a portable and well paid profession. It happens - women have careers these days and allsorts. We just don't know (nor is it relevant really).

I say: yes, it is relevant as if she is ok financially, then why does her DS need the money from her exP's DP?

If she is independent, a distant not-even relative yet of her DS should not need to fund his life.

I think her lifestyle is relevant. Why keep moving? Uprooting DS? I can't fathom it out

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 19:15

Bogey I was thinking of it from the pov of the kids. In either situation it's them who are losing out.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 30/03/2011 19:25

If you pay off the mortgage make sure you get a deed of trust to ensure your financial contribution in the house is protected should you separate.

And no, YANBU.

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