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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 17:24

Op is a step parent for all intent and porpous except for a little bit of paper.

Bloodymary · 30/03/2011 17:25

YANBU!!!!!!!!!

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:26

Porpoises aside:

'Tbh, I would happily agree to him using some of the money to try & track her down & get to court for visitation rights, but for some reason he is hesitant about it. I think it is because he worries about creating a big disruption in his sons life & is worried that if it all goes wrong, she will move again. He seems to believe it will be better to wait until his son is older & can contact him, although I've pointed out that it may not ever happen. I do find it frustrating that he has latched onto the idea that having some money saved will make up for it all when his son is 18. I think I will try to persuade him to at least get some legal advice again, now that we will have more money to put towards it.'

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/03/2011 17:26

The child is not the OP's stepchild yet.

He might be in the future. Which is why the OP is best off keeping her options open.

I agree Winter with the if the whole family think it is appropriate caveat.

If dp ran off and married Rianna, and I married, ummm, Brian May then chances are Rianna wouldn't be helping to fund ds through university to the same extent. Unless she wanted to. Perhaps she'd buy him his first Bugatti or something as a token of her affection. Of course I'd object because I don't think 18 yos ought to drive such powerful cars and there'd be a whole new AIBU thread...

spongefingerssavedmylife · 30/03/2011 17:27

Leopardino - I think most people who think the OP doesn't have to give money to DPs estranged child are thinking more along the lines of 'it's my dc's money' than 'it's my money'. I truly believe that, as long as we don't harm others we are duty bound as parents to put our children first. The DPs son (DS doesn't really seem the right term here) won't be hurt by not having the money (is hurt but not having a father though) just won't benefit.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/03/2011 17:27

I fail to see how the OP should be expected to treat as her stepson a child she has never met and may never get to meet.
The most sensible thing to do with the spare money would be to put it away for 'The DCs' future' bearing in mind that the OP may have more children and wish to share it between them (whether or not this incudes her current P's son or whether the current P fucks off and vanishes some time between now and the DD's 18th birthday).
But the man's reactions - asking for a lump sum for his son-that-he-never-sees but refusing the OP's offer to pay for detectives/solicitors in orderto help him find that son... well, this does imply a degree of laziness and entitlement that would certainly worry me.

AyeRobot · 30/03/2011 17:29

The little piece of paper is anything but little in terms of legalities. No wonder people get in such a mess when they divorce and realise exactly what it does mean.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 30/03/2011 17:30

"Op is a step parent for all intent and porpous except for a little bit of paper"

Yeah, that and having never met the child as well. Hmm

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/03/2011 17:30

Puffin I understand the OP's dp's reluctance to force things with his ex/ds to date. I'm basing this on my friend's experience - the more he pushed, the harder his ex dug in her heels. And yes, there's always that worry that you'd cause more problems than you'd resolve (I've been having this myself for years - it's why I've not traced my father - I don't want to upset his adult sons)

I do however think he's wrong.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:33

Exactly SGB. The idea that his DS, who has been raised by his mother who has probably told him his father isn't interested, will turn up on his doorstep at 18 and be won over by a bank account???

Imagine, "So what did you do to find me?"
"Well I didn't want to cause disruption, so nothing from when you were 6 (at least), but here, have a few grand!" Hmm

Leopardino · 30/03/2011 17:35

"Leopardino - I think most people who think the OP doesn't have to give money to DPs estranged child are thinking more along the lines of 'it's my dc's money' than 'it's my money'

The crucial word there, though, is my rather than our

" I truly believe that, as long as we don't harm others we are duty bound as parents to put our children first. "

Does that apply to putting blood children over step-children? Secondly, that's what the OP's DP is trying to do. As I say, I think the crucial point is whether it's OP's money, or OP's (soon to be) family's money.

ChristinedePizan · 30/03/2011 17:35

Quite, SGB

Leopardino · 30/03/2011 17:36

Damn those askerisks

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:36

ATM Jenai he has no contact and no idea where the child is, so really, what has he got to lose? I could understand if he saw his DS irregularly and didn't want to risk his ex cutting off all contact, but he hasn't seen his son for 4 years.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 30/03/2011 17:36

....of someone elses money. I didn't save it for you or anything, I got it off the new wife.

Leopardino · 30/03/2011 17:38

Winter, doesn't that apply equally to the DD? OP didn't save for it either? Hey, let's just burn the money

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:40

Yes WinterOfOurDiscountTents- excellent name- it's not as if he'd have made any effort to save the cash.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 30/03/2011 17:42

Well, I do think she should think of her daughter first. They aren't married yet, she hasn't met the little boy so in no way is he a stepson.

And it is obviously the op's money and even more importantly she needs to bear in mind what her grandfather would have wanted her to do with it.

And anyone who thinks that marriage is just a piece of paper is just plain wrong!

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:42

He wants to offer the money in lieu of the effort of trying to see his child, so no, not the same.

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 17:42

The OP inherited it, that's the difference, the OP's DP didn't.

Leopardino · 30/03/2011 17:43

Spongefinger, would your opinion be changed if this had occurred one month after the forthcoming marriage?

spongefingerssavedmylife · 30/03/2011 17:45

It would depend on the terms of the will. But no, still her money, left to her. If I had another child (not with DH) I wouldn't expect PILs to leave it money, that would be weird.

Original poster
moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 17:45

She has moved several times, her parents have moved too so he is unable to track her down through them. He doesn't know the rest of her family as they were only together for 6 months. She has blocked him on FB, and when others have searched on his behalf there is no info available unless you are her friend, she has changed her number (probably more than once) & blocked him from emailing her & anyone who emails on his behalf. He's tried looking through electoral records, bt, general searching her name in google just in case something comes up - no luck. This is as well as contacting former friends of hers, even the landlord from the last known address he had for her, who didn't have a forwarding address. He has tried so much, but not managed to get anywhere. We didn't have the money to hire a private detective (£35 per hour plus expenses) or to go through the courts as he didn't qualify for legal aid. The only way he could have managed would have been to stop paying maintenance, which he didn't want to do.

I think he's just been so worn down trying to do this over the past 4 years & getting nowhere that is why he is hesitant now. I have made sure that he has kept copies of all emails sent, so he has proof that he tried many times to get in touch (in case his ex claims he wasn't trying) and none of them were abusive - just a dad asking how his child is & asking to see him.

Anyway, I think I have explained his situation as much as I can (and probably more than I should!) but honestly, he is not a terrible man who can't be bothered trying to find his dad. He's just had the misfortune of an ex who doesn't appear to want him involved & is going great lengths to stay away.

OP posts:
Original poster
moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 17:49

"trying to find his dad son" that should have been.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 30/03/2011 17:51

Is there some serious reason WHY she doesnt want him to have any contact at all with the child? It sounds like she has made very secure blocks to stop him from finding them. Confused