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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 16:57

"Tbh, I would happily agree to him using some of the money to try & track her down & get to court for visitation rights, but for some reason he is hesitant about it."

A man who is trying that hard isn't hesitant to try again and go to court if necessary. That would mean more to his son than a couple of grand, that came from the OP and not his father, at age 18.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 30/03/2011 16:58

He wants his 2 children to be treated the same? Then maybe he should get off his arse and, Oh I dunno, at least find out where his other child is? His 2 children are not treated the same, he has made sure of that, so why is it now the OP's job to change that for him in a financial sense, when he has done nothing on any other level?

He tried all he could my arse.

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 16:59

The OP has nothing to feel guilty about whatever she decides.

Btw I don't have a bad relationship.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 17:03

Oh shut up. Op has said he has tried all he could with the money and resources they have available. Not sure what world you are living on but what more could he do.

I understand your partner saying that he may disrupt his sons life just turning up, forcing contact with a child who probably does not know his dad or been told he is dead, has another dad etc. this could be very stressful for the child and could give him long term mental damage. Your partner may think that he is doing his best by him buy waiting until he is old enough to understand.

TheSecondComing · 30/03/2011 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:07

He hasn't asked for the cash for the legal proceedings to compel the CSA to disclose his ex's address though has he. The first thing I posted on this thread was that if he'd asked for the money for legal fees then it would not be unreasonable.

And as for the individual who thinks it's fair that a child should get money if their father gets together with someone wealthy, I really didn't think such a sense of entitlement existed outside of the Jeremy Kyle show.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:09

'I understand your partner saying that he may disrupt his sons life just turning up, forcing contact with a child who probably does not know his dad or been told he is dead, has another dad etc. this could be very stressful for the child and could give him long term mental damage. Your partner may think that he is doing his best by him buy waiting until he is old enough to understand.'

What a complete and utter cop out.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 30/03/2011 17:13

she's offered him money and he's turned it down. Hmm Plus he can get the address from the CSA, its that simple.

megapixels · 30/03/2011 17:13

I was shocked at that too. About someone expecting her dh to be getting their son some money off a rich woman should he hook up with one. Some people have no shame Shock.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 30/03/2011 17:14

and I'm living in a world where decent parents don't give up until they at the absolute minimum know where their children are and how they are doing. It's a nice world, you should come, you can tell who the fuckwit parents are quite easily.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 17:15

You cannot get the private details of his ex through CSA. It goes against data protection and you would need a court order. So it is not as simple as that.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 17:15

Yes you can from where i sit.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 30/03/2011 17:16

It is as simple as getting a court order, if one can be bothered to ask for one.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:16

So you get a court order.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 30/03/2011 17:16

So stepparents shouldn't help out their stepchildren financially (or in other ways if more appropriate) then, Puffin?

Of course they should - if they're in a position to do so and the child would benefit. If you shack up with a parent, you take a share of the responsibility for that parent's children.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:18

Or you spend hours on Facebook trying to see if you can find her, or you hire a firm to find her, or you stalk her family around the time of your childs birthday etc

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 17:18

Only if you have the moeny for a court order which can be very expensive so no not simples.

They have only just got the means and are not about to discuss this option.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 30/03/2011 17:18

Step-parents can help their step-children out financially, if the whole family think it is appropriate. They are not obliged. But OP is not this childs step-mother.

And if you take a share of the responsibility for their children, you're first expecting them to take some first.

Leopardino · 30/03/2011 17:19

My opinion is that it seems entirely reasonable that the DSS should in some way benefit from the inheritance.

It's been interesting to read people's opinions on the ethics of money in relationships and stepchildren. I've never been a "it's my money" kind of person, but then maybe I'm naive

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 17:19

How do you know the op has not already gone down these avenues. She has already said they have looked indepth and tried all they could. So i suggest you move on from this as it aint constructive.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 17:19

It's funny, I never knew sex conferred parental responsibility!

TheSecondComing · 30/03/2011 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeRobot · 30/03/2011 17:21

The OP is not a step-parent.

Leopardino · 30/03/2011 17:22

The OP intends to be very shortly though

wubblybubbly · 30/03/2011 17:23

Interesting reading.

I'm about to make a will to ensure that the house we share as a family goes to our DS and no-one else.

I'm happy for DH to marry after I'm gorn, but I don't want my hard earned cash being split with anyone other than my flesh and blood, whether that be a new wife, a step child or a half sibling to my DS.