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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 11:30

Rather than now investing the money in her name, I would put the money aside in your name, for the future and ringfence it for education, deposit on a flat, etc.

Also, if the house is yours, I assume the deeds are in your name, and that you will keep a record of any payments towards the mortgage? Would it make sense for you to keep some of the mortgage, so that the bank still has the deed and an interest in the house?

You need to protect yourself and your children, and you dont want him to make a claim to your house if you split up one day.

lesley33 · 30/03/2011 11:32

But presumably Rosie you are an adult. I would agree an adult stepchild has no claim. The OP is talking about a child - totally different IMO.

WreckoftheHesperus · 30/03/2011 11:33

QS, I'm curious as to why it would make a difference if the OP didn't pay off the mortgage?

bubblecoral · 30/03/2011 11:35

YABU

The money was left to you, and you are part of a married couple. Well, you will be if you get married. The fact that the money was left by your Grandfather is irrelevant imo, because it now belongs to the two of you. There is more than one child in the marriage, and therefore the money should be split more than one way.

If this is the way you feel towards the offspring of your DP, you should be thinking very carefully if getting married is the right thing to do.

I think you should pay off the mortgage, get married and spend whatever it takes to get your step son back into your lives. He is your dd's brother nad your dp's child. He matters! Any money left after that should be saved and given equally to the children the two of you have, or will have in the future.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 11:40

Just for the deeds to be kept safe.

Beamur · 30/03/2011 11:43

I think YANBU
But I can see why your DP would like his son to also have the same opportunity.
Maybe you can arrange this a different way and avoid a conflict over this? Put the savings in your name for now. Once you get married though, your assets are shared though, so such as the house would be equally your husbands.
Maybe it would be more politic to set up a savings account for both children that you pay into instead of a lump sum at this time?
You and your DP need to think about Wills too.

frgr · 30/03/2011 11:44

YANBU. Your grandfather left you the money. You're not married to this man, have no relationship with his son, just as he doesn't (tbh I'd find that more disheartening than the fact your boyfriend seems to have a totally assumed sense of entitlement to your inheritance).

In 99% of cases I'm totally for the "treat one child as you would another" in step families (I should know - I was the unfavoured grand child in my own family because of this, and it was awful) but based on some of the glaring facts in the OP (such as that the OP hasn't even married her boyfriend yet, has no close bond with this child, and not likely to be one, etc) make me Shock at the partner's even arguing this point.

"Treat one child as you would any other" sounds great as a general rule, but putting it into each family's context reveals it's not really as simple as that.

I would not give his son a penny. I would, however, ringfence a significant amount of cash if the DH displays a genuine interest in finding his son, forming a relationship with him - if, say, he needed to hire a private investigator or help the ex mum pay a deposit on a local house to they can move close by. A cash lump sum when the DH's son turns 18 is no substitute for being a good father - if money from the OP cna help towards that, great, if not, son should not get an equivalent pot to the OP's DD.

HecateTheCrone · 30/03/2011 11:46

I think in your shoes I'd be offering to help pay to track down his child and pay for court costs to force the mother to allow contact.

frgr · 30/03/2011 11:47

"He is your dd's brother nad your dp's child. He matters!"

But giving the son a lump payment at 18 doesn't make him any more or less important to the dad's life - only being a proactive father and fostering that relationship (which money can enable, e.g. train fares to visit him, or something) does.

I seriously see more of an issue with the OP's DH belief that he is doing right by his son by assuming he can whack a efw grand once he turns 18 at him. No wonder the OP feels hard done by.

NinkyNonker · 30/03/2011 11:48

YANBU. You will be providing security for him and therefore his child by paying off the mortgage etc. He will then be more than capable of saving because you used your money to free up the family's money, if you see what I mean.

GypsyMoth · 30/03/2011 11:48

yes,the court costs are actually a way of benefitting your own dd as she will be gaining and getting to know her half brother........put it to him this way.

TotemPole · 30/03/2011 11:48

I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

From your OP, that isn't his fault. It's the ex stopping access.

Put the money aside in your name. Focus on your OH getting regular access. If you have regular contact with your DSS, you might see the situation differently.

mollymole · 30/03/2011 11:51

YANBU - he's not really made a deal of effort to see his son & his son has no knowledge of your grandfather and vice versa - your partner seems to be getting a good deal out of you and your finances - have you considered seeing a solicitor to make a will - hopefully the situation will not arise but when you get married your assets will be shared with your husband - IF anything were to happen to you you need to make sure that your daughter is taken care of in the manner you would like

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 11:55

Also it might help to imagine your DP taking your child away..moving house and changing numbers...so you can't see your daughter.

Would she/should she be any less important to you or any new DP you may have in the future?

Sweetpea215 · 30/03/2011 11:56

I think it's up to you to do exactly what you want with.

You are NOT married yet....if you were, I would possibly be advising differently.

Your grandfather left that money for YOU....
It's good to pay off the mortgage...but your partner (I think that's what DP stands for) and his son can't really expect anything from it. Take care of your security...and that of your child. Is that not what your Grandfather would have wanted?

amberleaf · 30/03/2011 12:01

Maybe your DP sees the chance of being able to set up a fund for his son as a good way to assuage his guilt at not having any contact with him?

I think the more pressing issue is tracking down his son and having a constant relationship with him.

plopplopquack · 30/03/2011 12:07

You should be treating the 2 children the same imo. How will the boy feel when he is older? At the moment he has no contact with his dad but to find out that his dad and new wife didn't make any savings for him although they did for his half sibling? How rejected would he feel?

Whether they see each other or not is nothing to do with it as it's not the boys fault he doesn't see his dad.

Also you are talking about this as though it's only YOUR money but if you are soon to be married and have already made the commitment of having a child together then it's family money.

How about if you fiance won the lottery and saved some for his son but not your daughter? (I know that's his daughter too but you see what I'm saying)

When you get together with a man who already has children you have to accept them and treat them as your own. Frankly I'm sick of hearing about women on here who resent their step children!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 30/03/2011 12:09

I would be concerned about your P's sense of entitlement, as well. What effort is he making to track down his son? And is he generally contributing fairly to the household (not just in terms of billpaying, but in terms of pulling his weight with the chores)? Sometimes men who earn less than their female partners can be pretty parasitic and selfish.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 12:10

I am disgusted by half of these responses. If this was a man posting this thread he would of received very different views.

You are in a very serious relationship with your partner, have one child together and are about to get married. Just because he cannot see his child does not mean he does not think, worry about his child every day and you should see his child as yours.

The money you are about to get really belongs to the pair of you as you both contribute to the family unit.

Aint it funny how people suddenly turn different once they have a little win fall. If i won the lottery i would never try and keep if from my wife even though its only me that works and i had bought the ticket.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 12:13

SpringchickenGoldBrass are you having a laugh, i havent heard such crap in ages. by your reconing all stay at home mums are parasitic and selfish.

plopplopquack · 30/03/2011 12:15

SpringchickenGoldBrass Why have you suddenly assumed this man is a lazy, selfish sponger?

twolittlemonkeys · 30/03/2011 12:16

I agree with wineclub. 18 is a long way off, you may have more children. Or you may split up with your DP and would be gutted if you'd given his child (who you don't even have a relationship with) a lump sum at your DD's expense.

I really would keep it in your name and save it until your DD (and any future children) is/are older.

diddl · 30/03/2011 12:16

I wouldn´t make plans for the remainder of the money yet-what if you have more children together?

But really it should be percieved as joint money & he´s not wrong in wanting to treat his children equally, is he?

JaneS · 30/03/2011 12:20

The big issue here is not the money.

The big issue is that your DP is obviously not happy about his lack of contact with his child and thinks setting up savings for him will make him feel better. That's what you need to talk about. If your DP isn't seeing his son, why? Can you use some money on legal advice to work out whether he could see more?

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 30/03/2011 12:25

Your idea of putting some of your inheritance away for 1 of your children was not a good idea. Maybe you could think of something else to do with the money for youselves that won't seem as unfair on the children. You both have many years to save for your childrens' futures.