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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 30/03/2011 17:54

Well, he's got the chance to go to court now, if he asks you to lend/give him the money. And he can save up for the lump sum from what he saves from not paying out so much on bills. Result!

wubblybubbly · 30/03/2011 18:05

I just can't imagine someone taking my son away from me and not turning the world over to find him. I honestly don't believe I would worry that finding him might cause disruption and just hope he'd find me one day. Confused

I'm probably naive, I suppose it does happen, it just doesn't make sense to me.

Original poster
moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 18:06

Squeakytoy - no reason to our knowledge. There certainly wasn't any violence in their relationship, and she never claimed there was. It just seems to me that she was happy to have the baby, but just not DP in her life too. I know when he did still see him there used to be arguments about him taking his son out by himself, she always wanted to be there, which was fine when he was a baby, but when he was 2 it didn't seem necessary to DP & he started to feel like he was being told he couldn't be trusted. Then, she just upped & went!

OP posts:
LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 18:14

I hope you can encourage him to track her down. It does seem ridiculous that the CSA can take money from him for the child but can't pass on her details to the court.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 18:14

I am finding it curiouser and curiouser that someone would go to such lengths to prevent access to their child, and in fact, that that person even knows where they are

it's very strange, and rather concerning, tbh

this woman is acting like she is running away from a dangerous abuser...why would she do that ? Confused

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 18:22

"I am finding it curiouser and curiouser that someone would go to such lengths to prevent access to their child, and in fact, that that person even knows where they are

it's very strange, and rather concerning, tbh"

My thoughts exactly. I know there are some women who do make it difficult for their exes but this woman seems to be going to extreme lengths.

No doubt we'll be told we're obviously man haters for thinking such things in a minute Hmm

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 18:26

Man Hater Grin

Honestly, there are some women who don't want the father involved, not through anything he did.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 18:26

No doubt we'll be told we're obviously man haters for thinking such things in a minute

chaotic, it's never bothered me before Smile

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 18:27

those are extreme lengths, LNP, that is all I am saying

Katiekitty · 30/03/2011 18:31

Moneydilemma how does the mother of your DSS afford to keep moving house so many times?

Whether in rented or owned, it costs a royal ruddy fortune to keep moving, find deposits, fees etc. How does she pay for it?

mummytime · 30/03/2011 18:31

I just wonder if she just wanted a baby all along? She seemed to have ended the relationship very close to getting pregnant, and didn't inform him.

Alternatively maybe the baby isn't his, or might not be?

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 18:34

The online stuff sounds like a lot, but basically means she's blocked him and his friends from e-mailing her and tightened her Facebook settings. That takes seconds. The moving frequently without forwarding addresses and not on the electoral roll could be hiding, but it could also be someone who doesn't pay their rent on a regular basis- a result of lifestyle rather than deliberate intent.

LessNarkyPuffin · 30/03/2011 18:36

That would be the other interpretation Mummytime.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 18:36

true, LNP, I guess a dodgy or under-the-radar lifestyle could explain a few things, maybe

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 18:38

oh bloody hell...are we in Jeremy Kyle, paternity-test territory now ?

that's all the OP needs...the kid isn't even her partner's and he wants a chunk of her inheritance to go to him

OP's head must be exploding Shock

and grandaddy will spin in the opposite direction...

Katiekitty · 30/03/2011 18:39

NLP - yep, but if you don't pay your rent, you get evicted. And have to move out. Where would she get a reference from? Where would she get the money from? Private rented is usually a month's rent up front, plus agency fees, usually in the region of £200. Council, I don't know, but non-payment would be frowned on.

Who is paying for her to move around so much? I can't fathom it out?

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 30/03/2011 18:40

Grin @ LNP

I know there are some women who simply don't want the father involved but, as PA says, this woman does seem to have gone to extreme lengths.

PA I'm not going to let it bother me either, I've just notice it seems to be a convenient accusation used by some in order to get people to shut up, not that that will work either.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 18:42

Peter, I must step in before she is offered Women's Aid phone numbers and told to Leave Him Now, and say that I know plenty, in Real Live Technicolour, men who are denied all access to their children for no reason other than it suits the mother, and mothers who deny the fathers access for the same reason. Sad, but true.

I also used to work in a place (can't give details) for sharp end families, and the mother would move to the other end of the country, the father would spend his entire week's wages on a train ticket, get there and she would say the child was ill...try doing that for three years.

Some people, men AND women, are shits. Go figure.

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 18:43

You are both wrong in your assumptions Chaotic and PeterAndre

I know personally of 3 women that have done this for no other reason than they dont want their ex featuring in their lives.

One man, an old colleague of DHs and is also the ex of an ex friend of my sisters (confused yet?!) The reason she is my sisters ex friend is because when her and DHs colleague (DHC for speed!) split up she moved 300 miles away to be with the man it turned out she had been having an affair with. She told her children, who DHC totally adored and worked 80 hours a week in 2 jobs to support, that he wasnt their daddy anymore, that they werent to speak to him and that her new man was to be called Daddy.

Her new man was rich and very well connected, far more so than DHC had ever or could ever be, so she airbrushed him out of her and the kids lives. She moved and moved to ensure they couldnt be tracked down, and each time he did she ignored court orders and refused to allow access. In the end, it was causing so much distress to his kids, they were confused and frightened on the odd occassion he did see them as they were frightened of upsetting or angering their mother and their new "Daddy". A custody case collapsed when he ran out of money and his solicitor said that it was very unlikely he would win anyway. After 3 years, he gave up saying that he couldnt face doing that to his kids or himself anymore.

He has a stash of presents letters and cards, all dated, that have been returned so he can prove he tried to get in touch.

Sadly, some women are just fucking bitches where their exes and their kids are concerned :(

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 18:43

yep chaotic, it has never, ever got me to STFU, and I'm not about to start now Smile

neither has accusations of frigid bitch who hates sex, but that is a whole other thread Wink

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 18:44

And as for the "how can she move around" thing, do you really have so little idea of how so many people live?

You move to a different borough, you put in a new claim..etc etc. You say you were forced to run because of x,y and z, any old shit. You think they check?

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 18:46

And you know how you get a reference...Ohh it's so hard. You give your mate's address and mobile phone number - and they LIE for you!!! Imagine.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 30/03/2011 18:47

For every one of those theres about 50 that just can't be arsed being fathers. Up to 60% of fathers lose touch with their children (other stats say 40%, either way its bad) withing 2 years of a family break up.

They aren't all down to vindictive mothers.

PeterAndreForPM · 30/03/2011 18:47

hully, I know that all people can be shits

I am not someone who would blindly believe a bloke's explanations that an ex was mad, crazy and obstructive though

We know how that turns out (sometimes) don't we ?

I fully accept however (and hope) that OP will have not done that and that she is justified in believing he is a good bloke who hooked up with a crazy person, and is now paying the price

QuickLookBusy · 30/03/2011 18:47

Sorry if someone has already suggested this but if I were you, I would put the extra money into a child fund, which is for your DD, any future Dc and DSS. I would then ask DP to contribute to the fund with savings etc, which he will be making as you will be paying half of the bills.

This way you are both contributing to both of the children. Simples.

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