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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/03/2011 11:03

YABU

Your DP comes as a package if he had a child when you met him..regardless of whether he's allowed to see him or not.

The child you concieved together is not more important than the child he concieved without you.

ChristinedePizan · 30/03/2011 11:03

No I don't think you are being unreasonable. I would feel very weird about doing that too if I were you. It would be different if your DD and his DS had a proper sibling relationship and you were raising them as siblings but I presume you've never even met his DS!

gorionine · 30/03/2011 11:04

I am thinking like yourself. Maybe I would not have minded saying "I have all that money maybe we could put some asside for your son " but the fact that he thiks YOUR money is for him to invest in his son (entitlement) is not on IMHO. I am actually discovering something about myself with that thread.

FER1 · 30/03/2011 11:04

Wow. No you aren't being unreasonable. I assume your grandfather (and I'm really sorry for your loss by the way) didn't know your stepson and as you seem to indicate you barely know him either why on earth should your money not go to your daughter, your grandfather's blood? Also, as it seems that you are overwhlmingly the provider in your household you should have at least that small right to say what gets done with the residual after paying off your mortgage (you lucky thing!).

GypsyMoth · 30/03/2011 11:05

yanbu!!!

but he is.......he could track the ex down and gain contact. its not hard to do,solicitor can do a 'seek and find' and she can be served papers to attend a contact hearing. perhaps this is where some money should go????

Sonnet · 30/03/2011 11:06

YANBU

I think what you have suggested is very fair.
Stick to your guns

GypsyMoth · 30/03/2011 11:06

contact with his dad is worth far more than money in the bank!!

ousel · 30/03/2011 11:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2littlegreenmonkeys · 30/03/2011 11:10

YANBU.

I do however think your DP should contact a solicitor to gain some contact with his son. He should use the money that he is going to save (by you paying half the household bill after the mortgage is paid off) to seek this contact.

COCKadoodledooo · 30/03/2011 11:12

I presume you might feel differently if you/your grandfather had a relationship with the child?

I can understand your dp feeling miffed that his son won't necessarily have the same start/advantage as your own dd will, but I don't think you're being unreasonable.

blackeyedsusan · 30/03/2011 11:12

yanbu. his son is not related to your graandfather. yes he comes as a package with his son, but he seems to have a massive sense of entitlement to your money. I could understand if it was joint money ..

knittedbreast · 30/03/2011 11:13

try and turn it around, how would you feel if you had a child with someone else and he came in to money and refused savings for your child?

wineclub · 30/03/2011 11:14

YANBU. He has 12 years to save up a 'lump sum', as does your dss's mother.

However If I were you I would be very hesitant to put a significant amount of money in a child's name if you won't have control over what it is spent on when she is 18. Its such a long time away and you can't predict how sensible a 3 month old will be at 18. There is also the possibility that you will have another child who won't get a lump sum because its all tied up in dds name.

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 11:17

I think money aside for one minute...

What I have a 'problem' with (problem isn't really the right word) is that reading the OP it kind of smacks of one child being more important than the other in general?

I also don't see how it would make a difference if the DP had contact with his son...there's still a child out there who is unable to see his Dad, his half sister and his future Step Mum.

Just because he's 'out of sight' doesn't mean he isn't just as important.

GypsyMoth · 30/03/2011 11:20

it is more important the child sees his dad fighting to see him than saving up money,imo!!

am i alone in this then??

money isnt everything......what has this boy been told about his dad. in fact,he should be pushing for contacr regardless of money being left.....why isnt he??

MalkieFraser · 30/03/2011 11:20

YANBU. Your Grandfather left the inheritance to YOU, not to someone he has never met.

ZenNudist · 30/03/2011 11:20

Yanbu. I think it's completely unreasonable to suggest your dd should share inheritance with his ds. If the boot were on the other foot would your dh be so generous? Sounds like he thinks money can make up for not being involved in his son's life. It can't.

Bogeyface · 30/03/2011 11:23

I agree with everything Wineclub said.

You are in a good financial position now, but that may change and as WC said, if you have another child will you be able to provide another lump sum for that child too?

I would keep it in long term investment in your name, with it ring fenced as money for your DC and any future DC and you can use it as you see fit then. You really cant tell what sort of person your dd will be, and for some kids at 18, handing over a whacking lump sum would be the worst thing you could do for them. If you keep control you could use for uni fees, a car, house deposit, wedding...whatever you feel is appropriate. And if at some point your financial situation changes dramatically, you will have that money there if you need to use it for the good of the family.

I would feel the same about the DSS. DH has a grown up son and he wouldnt expect me to give money inherited from my family to his son, anymore than I would expect him to give money to my children from anything he inherited from his family.

Your suggestion of him saving once his disposable income is bigger is a good one, and if you dont actually put the savings in your DDs name, that might help diffuse the argument.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 11:23

In all conscience I would have to put a sum of money aside for his child too. I owuld feel that I had taken on his child at the same time as him (even if I never saw it) and I owuld feel desperately sorry for him for his lack of relationship and his desire to still try and treat his child equally. It would be easy for him not to bother. Who cares where the money comes from? That is an excuse. Would you feel differently if you'd won some lottery money?

lesley33 · 30/03/2011 11:25

YABU
I agree with other poster that your DH's child should be as important as your child. The fact that DH's child doesn't see his dad isn't the child's fault.

How would you feel if your DH inherited money and wanted to leave this for his child, but didn't want the child you both had to receive anything?

QuintessentialShadows · 30/03/2011 11:26

No, you are not unreasonable.

Why shall your boyfriends son by his ex inherit YOUR grandfather?

He is farking cheeky to ask! Is he usually a bit money grabbing?

MrsTittleMouse · 30/03/2011 11:27

As an aside, I completely agree with wineclub. 18 is very young to get a lump sum. In our wills, our children don't get any access to the money (if there is any left after the trustees have raised them and sent them to Uni!) until they are 24. When I think back to my youth, there was a huge difference between what I'd have done with the money at 18 and 24, and I was pretty sensible as a teenager.

MissVerinder · 30/03/2011 11:28

YANBU at all. It's YOUR money your Grandad left for you. I think your suggestion is fair; it's up to him to save for his DS. If DS lived with you that would be a different matter, but he doesn't. Ilovetiffany came up with an excellent suggestion.
You could pay off the mortgage, get married and put the rest in a savings account in your name though (unless it's a tax thing) for DD's Uni fees etc. That might be a better idea, then nobody is getting any money except you.

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 11:28

'boyfriend' is a very over simple term to use.

They live together, have a child together and are engaged to be married.

Hardly a 'boyfriend'

rosie1979 · 30/03/2011 11:30

YANBU

I have a stepmother and if her father had left her money I would not feel as if I had any claim to it - your daughter is his ggdaughter so of course she does.

He is going to be living in a mortgage free house, paying half the utility bills, he can easily squirrel a good lump sum for his son - if he saves £200 a month his son will have over 33 grand when he is 18.

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