To not want to spend the money this way?

[moneydilemma]

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

no one knows the situation with the child and why he cannot see his kid. it aint black and white. Some of your are just portraying your own hatred in to this situation.

If he was to save money from his own money then in theory he will be taking moeny away from the family unit. the reason why i say this is because ALL money coming into the house if family money not mine or yours.

I agree with Florence.

YANBU.

You are not married to this person; this boy is not your step-son.

You do with it what you want. It's yours, not your boyfriend's.

In your opinion it is MrSpoc. They aren't married and its her house. Its her money unless she decides otherwise, not you.

it is so complicated, i can see both sides.
i would do as others have suggested, put the money away ringfenced for "education" or "house deposit" depending how much it is.
that way if his son is back in your life you can help him too.
or if your circumstances change the money is there.
if you have more dcs then they are catered for too.
it is too simplistic to just "save for your dd" - your family situation doesn't warrant it.

Moneydilemma, what do you think, are you still with us?

I can't post on here anymore, there are too many man haters!

I have a good friend whose ex has been continually obstructive wrt to access visits and the like. It breaks his heart.

He has been putting a small amount of money aside every month (over and above CSA) since the child was tiny. Sometimes it's only been £10 (because that's all he had). The point is however to be able to demonstrate that he was always thinking about his child (and not piss off the ex - keeping her sweet whilst asserting his rights is a tricky balance).

I think that's a greater gesture than conjouring up a wad of cash in 12 years time.

As i said before turn this around so the op is male. everyone here would be pulling his balls off. It is just a selfish attitude.

So what they aint married but are in ac very serious relationship. Live together, have a child together and are getting married. they clearly want to be together for ever or as long as possible.

Tell you what op take all the trust out of the relationship and get a pre-nup protect yourself and hopefully your partner will see you for who you really are.

Very good advice by amidaiwish and i suggest the op seriously consider it.

I dont think anybody here hates men, most of us have loved a man or two in our time , but I think most of us hate spongers!

If the fiance did not mind signing a prenup, OP would know for sure he loved HER not just her very tidy financial position.

your dc has two parents and your dp's dc has two parents so if each parent puts in their own contribution to each dc then it is fair.

So if you want to give your dc a lump sum - then your dp needs to stump up his half for your dc and then he needs to put a lump sum away for his own dc

Or if you put away a periodic amount for the next 18 years for your dc then your dp need to put half in and then the same amount away for his own dc

So if you put in £250 per month for your dc and your dp need to put in £250 for your dc and then he must put away £250 for his other dc

The other parent of your dp's dc can do whatever she likes

But your dp can't take your lump sum and divide it up - as its not his money to choose what to do with

where does it say he is a sponger? How have you come to that conclusion honestly?

He works and earns money for the family and also pays CSA (Does not sound like any spunger i have come across)

So the Op earns more than a man (is this wrong, is the man a spunger because the op has a beeter job)

So the op bought a house before they were together are you now suggesting he only got with her because he saw he could get a free house and also new her grandfather was about to die and would leave her a big wad of cash?

If this is how you see all relationships then may be this is the reason you have issues in your own relationship.

yanbu

you are not married. your assets are not his. his son is not officially your stepson.

i'd pay off mortgage and put the rest away. you can decide later what you want to do.

Sorry it's taken so long to reply, have been trying to read it all!

I do agree that cash in the bank doesn't make up for him not being in contact, but it has been so hard for him to try to maintain. DP & his ex had a brief relationship & it ended, 6 months later he found out she was pg (8 months gone by then!) when a friend of his bumped into her out shopping. It was difficult at but he saw his son as much as his ex would let him, then she moved & didn't want to give him the address so he had to meet them in soft play/parks & then she just seemed to vanish. He has no idea where she is living as she has family spread out around the SE that she could be with. He has tried to track her down through the electoral role, but the only address that comes up is an old one from 2004.

Tbh, I would happily agree to him using some of the money to try & track her down & get to court for visitation rights, but for some reason he is hesitant about it. I think it is because he worries about creating a big disruption in his sons life & is worried that if it all goes wrong, she will move again. He seems to believe it will be better to wait until his son is older & can contact him, although I've pointed out that it may not ever happen. I do find it frustrating that he has latched onto the idea that having some money saved will make up for it all when his son is 18. I think I will try to persuade him to at least get some legal advice again, now that we will have more money to put towards it.

To be clear though, my DP is not (normally!) money-grabbing. He works, but earns less than me, and once he has paid maintenance & the agreed bills there isn't much left over for him to save. That's why I thought my compromise was a good one. Maybe once he's given it more thought he will see what I mean. He is rubbish with money though, so I am in charge of all accounts & savings - there's no way he'd be able to dip into it without me noticing straight away!

I definitely take on the opinions that 18 is quite young, so I think I will keep the money in my name for the moment. I will be making an appointment with a financial advisor as soon as I can too.

My grandfather told me several times when he was ill that he was leaving the money to me to do "whatever you want with" so I don't think he would have had an opinion one way or another about this, he was a very easy going man.

YANBU.

If we going down the imagine if...route... My DH has a (grown up) dd that I have never met. Under Belgian law (as we live here at the mo) she can not be disinherited from his/our Estate. We can play around with %s a little, but NOT cut her out.

Now hypothetically speaking.... If we buy a house/have savings and he dies -dsd and dd split the majority of the estate between them. I get a smaller proportion and a life interest in the house. If both of us died, the dsd would get a smaller % of the total, but the estate would still be split with dd. (It's quite complicated and I am currently looking to get advice on this)

Now dd and I have NO relationship with her, but she IS DH's dd, so I have to suck it up, goes with the territory.

Now, there is a small chance that in the future I may inherit money from MY grandparents. Would I be unreasonable to want to ensure that anything I inherited from them (and not spent) was protected for my dd's sole use in the future?

Oh, and I don't think he got together with me for my house! We had mutual friends so had sort of known each other a while before we got together, and I think he was actually at my house warming party all those years ago. If I did suggest a pre-nup he'd probably be fine with it, but I would feel a bit strange.

I think you are being incredibly mean. He is your DH's DS and your DSS.

MrSpoc Think you are wasting your time! The double standards on here are amazing and the man haters obviously have their own issues.

Your grandfather may well have been an easy going man. That's not the point that its yours to do what you want with.

I think your DP was very insensitive to mention his plans for the money. If you had raised the subject regarding his son and discussed it, that's different.

You must search your soul as to whether you think his son merits YOUR money, but you're not being unreasonable if you don't. Your priorities are your mortgage, your daughter, yourself.

If boot was on the other foot, and your DP's grandfather on son's side left some money, do you think he'd automatically suggest leaving some aside for your daughter?????? I think he's being insensitive and greedy.

OP I don't think you should suggest a pre-nup as that will take away all trust in the relationship! What does that say to him in regards to how you feel about your future together?!

keep the money you invisaged for your daughter separately she is only 3 months old you may have more children yourself and even is DSS is not annoyed any other DC you have would be upset that DD has trust fund but they don't 18 is too young but you can set uo trsuts at 21 or even 25 or once finished FT ed, trust funds can be set up with conditions or even from 18 they can have interest but not capital until 25 etc,

when you get married it will be legally one pot so though the fact the house is OP's that will be taken into account if a dvorce but if marriage lasts years he would get some howecver if she is worried about that she should not get married, there is no indication in OP that Dp is reckless with money generally

He is being a responsible father paying CSA even without access as loads of men in that situation try to stop payments and also some women just want to blank the childs father out and make contact extremely difficult however many times in court, I think she said she kept moving changing phone numbers etc

What I think is a bit wrong is that she would be happier to give money if father saw DS but she implies he tries to but it is very difficult so it seems a bit unfair to penalise him, but if she keeps money invested in her own name the situation can be reviewed several times over the next 10-20 years

so in conclusion you are being a but unreasonable but understandable

Portofino

Could you make the belgian anomoly know via your family with the suggestion that GPs leave money direct to grandchildren, to be invested until they are 25 if you are worried about it coming into their hands too early.

Moneydilemma you last two post sound like your not a bad person and have a level head on your shoulders. My advice will be:

Pay of morgage
Get Married
Have a nice holiday
Keep savings for the future (you never know how many kids you will have)
Set up two trust funds
Enjoy life

Hmmn. Your DP will be in a far better financial position than a lot of people if you pay off the mortgage.

If you get married, his son and your daughter will inherit from him anyway. Surely this is enough for him, in the circumstances (the circumstances being that he will be doing well enough out of your relationship anyway. Can he not see that expecting equal provision for his son by you comes across as greedy?).

I'm not sure I entirely believe that he is unable to trace his own son. It just seems that his response is always to expect the woman in his life to do the work, and if not, then he does nothing.

Mr Spoc "
So the Op earns more than a man (is this wrong, is the man a spunger because the op has a beeter job)"

Not at all. Its just that it always seems to be where the man earns less that he has less consideration in taking more money...its his son. He should be the one making more effort.

sorry x posted with OP, I sort of see DP point even if he tracks son down now they ( the courts) might say disruptive for DSS which is unfair but I agree with OP using some money to track mother down would be good as I think the DSS deserves a father that is prepared to go after him or even wait until he is 18,

think you are on right lines though in looking after your money yourself can discuss with FA later if estate is going to be worth enough for inheritance tax