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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to spend the money this way?

402 replies

moneydilemma · 30/03/2011 11:00

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
ChristinedePizan · 30/03/2011 14:08

I think it's utterly bizarre to give money to a child you've never even met. And they're not married

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:08

ineeda and others

Do you really not see how astonishingly mean-spirited you are being?

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 30/03/2011 14:08

I am, as ever, staggered by the greed, selfishness and downright unpleasantness of the majority.

Yep, I agree Sad

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:08

THEY ARE ABOUT TO GET MARRIED

plopplopquack · 30/03/2011 14:09

nijinsky Wed 30-Mar-11 14:06:41

Mr Spoc I just don't believe what you say is entirely true. You don't come across as credible. And don't try your manipulative bully-boy tactics on me. It won't work.

And you don't come across as normal!

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:09

'So what? The money is for him. Full stop. No one else can take it if it's in trust for him.'

So what? So if she doesn't want to give it to someone she doesn't know, why should she be guilted into doing so?

And trusts can be usurped all the time, particularly in a child's minority, depending on how they are set up.

They can also be seized by the government if holder(s) gets into trouble with the law - under proceeds of crime or for unpaid taxes/debts to HMRC.

bamboostalks · 30/03/2011 14:09

You have never even met this child, heavens above, I think it is extraordinarily odd that you would save for a child who, let's face it, could even be dead! If his own father cannot even be bothered to establish contact why should you save your inheritance for him? I don't mean that horribly but imo and ime there is a vast difference between what people post on here and what they would really do themselves.

ineedagoodsolicitor · 30/03/2011 14:09

Mr Spoc,

It's not the spelling, it's your grammar and punctuation that lets you down.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:10

About to.

Not the same as married.

I'm about to win the Lottery, get divorced, etc. Until it actually happens, it's not legally recognised.

So if she decides to gift it, it might be advisable to wait till they are married.

piprabbit · 30/03/2011 14:10

I think the idea of keeping the 'spare' money in a long term investment in the OPs name is a great idea - she will be able to re-evaluate the situation in a few years time and decide what is best done then. She and her DP may have had more children together, they may be in more regular contact with DPs DS and the OP may have forged her own relationship with the child.

But then again it doesn't really protect the inheritance for the OPs DD if the OP and her DP were to divorce...

Perhaps some specialist financial advice is needed, it does sound like a significant sum which should be invested wisely.

happyinherts · 30/03/2011 14:11

They may not be about to get married. They've been engaged for a year, could be ages before they do. Oh, I suppose this money helps them to get married. Hmmm

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:13

Oh read the sodding op.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:13

I give up. You all enjoy your righteousness meanness.

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 14:15

Ha ha ok nijinsky not like i need you to belive me. By the way how am i a bully?

ChristinedePizan · 30/03/2011 14:15

Really hully - you would split money you inherited between your own offspring and a child you'd never met? I think that's a bit weird :o

Then again, I would not marry a man who had had no contact with their own small child so I can't see myself ever being in a similar situation. Perhaps it's a failure of imagination on my part.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:16

Read it. Just says they've been engaged for a year and there will be some money left over to get married.

His living mortgage-free and paying only half bills will give him plenty to set aside for his child.

I would never, ever expect a boyfriend of mine to hand over a lump sum of money from his inheritence to my own children which are not his, especially if he'd never even met them.

I find that cheeky, grabby and presumptuous in the extreme.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2011 14:17

Back when I was single and childfree, I wouldn't see a man with kids at all.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:19

It is a failure of imagination. What a small world you must live in. I know several men who aren't allowed to see their children, and these are educated men with solicitors and court orders on their side. If the mother upsticks and runs, it takes a hell of a time to get through the court again. And there are no sanctions against the mother. Plus, several men I know, like the OP's dp, don't want to disrupt the life of the child with constant pursuit and hope against hope that the child contacts them when it's older.

And yes, any money that dp and I inherited, singly or jointly would be split between all those we consider to come under the aegis of our responsibility, however remote. Indeed, we have wills to that effect already.

happyinherts · 30/03/2011 14:19

Perfect post, expat

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 14:21

May be i do not put grammer and punctuation at the top of my list when writing on forums. To me what matters is people understanding what i have wrote which clearly everyone can.

Thanks plopplopquack at least there are a few sane people on here.

FlorenceCalamityandJoanofArc · 30/03/2011 14:21

greedy, selfish and mean not to treat a child you have never met the exact same way as you treat your own child? Not to immediately put your own money into a saving account for a child that your man has ZERO contact with?

Are you actually crazy? Hmm

nijinsky · 30/03/2011 14:21

OP - always, always think about what might go wrong.

I can't say your DP is a bad person in any way - you know him, not us. I know however that in the same scenario, my DP would want me to spend the money on myself and be hesitant about accepting any offer, unless I insisted. Its a marginally worrying attitude, which might be excused by his being stressed and feeling guilty over not seeing his son.

Now, like anyone running their own business, its past 2pm and I am back at work!

MrSpoc · 30/03/2011 14:21

expatinscotland what now you have kids and end up on your own, what would you say i a man had your attitude?

Portofino · 30/03/2011 14:22

expat, very well put.

Hullygully · 30/03/2011 14:23

Florence - yes. See above re responsibility.