To not want to spend the money this way?

[moneydilemma]

(regular user, have name changed for this- and am prepared for a flaming!)

Bit of background - DP & I have been together for 2.5 years & have a DD who is 3 months old. I bought my house 10 years ago & as I earn more than DP I pay the mortgage each month & he pays the council tax, utilities etc.

I am about to receive an inheritance that my grandfather left me in his will when he passed away last year. It's enough for me to be able to pay off the mortgage, and there will be some left over for us to get married (we've been engaged for a year) & to save. I thought it would be a good idea for us to put the savings in our DDs name for when she turns 18, to help with uni costs/travelling/buying house etc.

Now comes the issue! My DP has a son from a previous relationship who is 6. He hasn't seen him in 4 years for a lot of reasons, mainly that his ex keeps moving & changing her phone number, so he has no idea where she currently is, but he pays maintenance through the csa each month. When I mentioned my plan to save the money for our DD he said that we should do the same for his son. I don't know if I'm just being mean, but I'm not too happy with the idea of investing money given to me by my grandfather for his son. I think I would see it differently if he saw him regularly, but as there is no contact at all I can't really understand it.

I did suggest that once the mortgage was paid off I would be paying half the household bills so that would enable him to save a few hundred each month for his son if he wanted, but he thinks that he should have a lump sum too, otherwise our DD will have more money when she is 18 than his son will. (I did point out that his ex may well be saving for their son too)

So, AIBU?

Hang on. You are not being sensible about money at all. Sounds to me like your DP is slightly at risk of treating you as a piggy bank. Please read the Cohabitation Handbook and take some sensible advice about money and how to balance things fairly and equally when one partner has more than the other.

I think the best idea so far is to keep the money in a savings account until the children turn an age your comforable. then if you have more kids, split up etc you will be in a better position.

Also can you use some of the moeny to contact the ex and get regular contact with your partners son. Can you imagine how happy you could make them, you and your daughter.

I would ask your mum/dad (whichever was the child of the Granfather) how they think your grandfather would have liked the money spent (if you can)

YANBU IMHO. I think your Grandfather left this money for you and you may need it, if not now, at some point in the future. I would invest it in short term investments, so that you can access it if you need to. If not it will be there should your dd go to Uni but you will be able to issue it as you choose, for housing, fees, monthly allowance, that sort of thing in small packages, so that your dd doesn't go wild and fritter the lot (no offence to your dd but 18 is a tricky age). This system would mean that you have funds available for any future children of YOURS which may or may not include your dp's son, depending upon how that relationship develops for him AND FOR YOU.

YANBU - your DSS may well have something coming from his mother's side of the family. Your DD certainly would not be entitled to any of that so why should your DSS get any of your grandfather's money? I do think Wineclub makes a valid point though that it maybe best to keep the money in your name. As you have already agreed to split the bills then your DP will have some more money to set up a nest egg for his DS.
But your DP really needs to get some access sorted out for his ds. I strongly suggest he seeks legal advice.

YANBU and inheritance would not be joint property even if you were already married - it was your grandfather, he didn't even know the little boy, so the money should be yours only and it's up to you to decide if and with whom you want to share. I could understand if both kids were growing up with you and you were acting as his step-mum, sure you would try to treat the children equally then, but you haven't even seen the boy, right?
I'ts the responsibility of the parents, your DP and his ex, to save for their son and the offer that you will pay more so he can save is already generous. He should not be deciding how you spend your inheritance.

YAB a little U. My mum married my step dad when I was 10. She has/had more money than him/his family. All inheritance when they both die will go to me and his TWO daughters.

Yanbu at all !

I think it does make a difference if there is a relationship with the dss but in this case there seems to be none at all. If my dh had a son from a previous relationship who I saw regularly I would hope I would treat them fairly but in this case there seems to be no contact and no relationship.

YANBU. Your DP should be insisting on regular contact and not assuaging his guilt by pressurising you to use your inheritance. I feel a bit sorry for his child but if there were more contact, he would feel more part of the family and you might be more willing to leave him something. And it is really up to your DP to be less passive and to make this more of a realistic possibility, or to start saving up for his son himself.

There are ways to invest money in your daughters name but for you to retain control - see a financial adviser as there will be tax implications to whose name it is in, whether it is in trust etc - you need to speak to an expert. Also see a solicitor about making a will.

It sounds like your DP hasn't put much effort into getting contact with his son and thinks money will sort out the problem. I can honestly tell you, having been in a similar situation, that it won't. No amount of money makes up for an absent father who you grow up knowing probably cared about you but just not enough to actually bother to see you. I appreciate far more my Dad's help with a few things around our house (once he re-appeared when I was an adult) than the money he gave me to help buy it. It doesn't take any care to write a cheque. It does to make the time to see a child and do things with/for them.

Sounds weird- putting aside the DS issue- he wants a chunk of a lump sum NOW, you offer him a means to start saving very easily by massively reducing your household bills, and that isn't good enough? Why? Because it would be difficult for him and he would rather have that money freed up to spend it elsewhere every, leaving you to fund his child's savings account?
This is YOUR inheritance- I'm not getting all these people who say that now you have a DP it's shared. Of course should I be left anything by a family member I would put it towards a future with my own family/ DP, but it doesn't mean my partner would have any automatic "right" to allocate it how he saw fit.
And whatiPs going to happen when the DS turns 18? Does your DP think that all will be okay and they will have a functioning adult relationship because he said "Sorry about never seeing you son, but here's a couple of grand from my DP's grandfather. We sorted?". My DP has lived with (or rather without) an absent father, and I know if this happened to him he would either a) tell dear dad to go swivel and take his cheque with him or b) take the money and go and buy something ridiculous to say fuck you. I dunno, just seems he needs reminded that his son would say in later life he would rather have had his dad when he was wee instead of a guilt pay off funded by someone else

IMO YANBU it is your money to do what you like with. If you are paying off the mortgage you will be in a good financial situation for your DP to try and gain contact with his son.
I am a step mum and there is no way I'd leave what my grand parents or parents may or may not leave me to him. If I chose to pay the mortgage and then leave a portion of that to DSS when me and my DH go then thats different although It wouldn't be half as he will also recive everything his mother has which would then leave him significantly better off than our DD so that wouldn't be fair. However it's not seen like that. Just because they are the SC doesn't mean they are always worse off often it's the 2nd family that are. I would do as many people have said pay your mortgage put some away into an account in your name look into getting contact with DSS then maybe spend some money having some nice family holidays and getting to know DSS as a family (if this becomes possible) then and only then if everything goes ok maybe leave him a small amount maybe for a car or for some of uni if YOU feel ok about doing so.
Ultimately it's your parner and DSS mothers place to set up his provisions for the future which he will be able to do as with no mortgage his outgoings will be significantly reduced. I wonder if your grandfather had left the sum you want to put away for your DD directly to her rather than to you whether or not your DP would have anything to say about it then. Ultimately i'm sure this was what your GF would have wanted for the money. Not for his earnings from his hard work to go to someone who you or he never met If it was the other way round i'm sure you wouldn't expect it as I wouldn't.

Well of course one child is more important to OP. Are you suggesting that a child you have never met is as important to you as your own child is?

It's your money OP, not his. You are not married, you are not this childs step-parent, and have zero financial responsibility for him. Let your DP save up for him if he wants.

I think the key point as you say is your ability to pay off the mortgage. This will give him the extra cash that, if he chooses, he can invest in his son. I presume if you give a lump sum to the son the mortgage doesnt get paid off so you are robbing peter to pay paul. It doesnt really matter where the money comes from its just that your lump sum is ready now, whereas his will build up over time.

Would my opinion change if he lived with you? Yes because they would both be children within your care. Your daughter is BOTH of yours and therefore of course a financial decision relating to her would differ. If she were only your daughter however you would have to be ready for the same to happen to you.

No you are not being unreasonable, my three children have all had savings put aside for them by DH's mother, my eldest from a previous relationship has had nothing.
Ultimately she is not MIL's grandchild I suppose

My questioning as to whether the bloke might be lazy and selfish was sparked by a) the speed with which he appears to have got his hand out for the OP's inheritance and b) the fact that he doesn't seem to be doing a lot to build a relationship with his son.

Why would your grandfather want to leave money to a child he doesn't know, nor has any blood connection with?

Absolutely pay off the mortgage. Absolutely pay half the household bills going forward, and I'm guessing that you will still have money left over to put away.

I understand your DP wanting to have equal for both his DC, so set up 2 accounts and put in a regular monthly amount. Any lump sum over and above this needs to be put away in your savings account.

You are not married. Once you are, all assets money become part of the marital pot. If you start giving out lump sums of your inheritance, it anything were to happen and you were to split up, you'd never see that cash again.

This way, until you are married, your grandfather's legacy is in the hands it is supposed to be.

You need legal advice too, as to the house ownership and shares in the event of marriage and subsequently a divorce. You need to make sure that if you are the outright owner, but his contribution to the bills is in lieu of his share of the mortgage, that a correct and fair percentage of division is agreed.

Keep the money in your name and decide what to do with it nearer the time.

In theory, your dp's ds is your responsibility - or at least will be when you marry. However, I can understand why you're a bit about investing money for him right now.

Exactly SCGB- he seems to want tho be seen as being a good provider, and isn't he a good lad for doing that when he hasnt seen the child in so long with just about as little effort as he can manage.

It's very easy to spend other peoples money, isn't it?

Agree with herhissyness. I am oldfashioned and do believe that once you are married then you do need to consider all incoming funds as joint. As you are not then it's up to you what you do with it.

Nobody is stopping the OPs fiance building a savings fund for his son, FROM HIS OWN MONEY.

The thing is, he wants to do it with OPS money.

He has not even bothered to stay in touch with his child. Now he is stretching out his hand for OPS money?

I bet, if you DO give him money, he will put it in an account allright, one that HE administers, and who knows who will benefit from the money in the end. If you get my drift. He has no interest in the child. Why does he want money for said child? Once the money has been passed over, OP has no say what happens next.

I envisage a thread in a few years.

"my husband got a substantial amount of money from an inheritance I received from my late grandfather. He wanted the money to save for his son. Now I have discovered that the savings account is empty, and my dh is unable to account for any of it. WWYD?"

But I have a suspicious mind. And I think OP has too, which is why she has posted...

As a mum I can completely see where you are coming from. I think if you saw him and had a relationship with him you'd probably feel a bit differently.

I also have divorced parents so have a little insight into this from the grown up child's persepective IYSWIM.

So, just to be devils advocate here:

What if your step son decides in a few years to come and live with you and his dad, so that he is actually loving with you when time for uni comes around? Imagine if he had to get loans and then 5 years later his sister has a big fund to ease her path?

YANBU!! do with the money as you see fit! Your other half is already paying the up keep of NR son.

Just say to him you will put the remainder into YOUR savings (in your name) and think about it later on all counts. As it is your money (DH would see any inheritance I got now as mine, even though we would discuss where it was best spent together) you get to decide when the time is right. He needs to build a relationship with him first. And what if you had more children, what happens then?