Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DN to stick up for DD if she's being bullied?

136 replies

chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 09:10

This is a genuine question.

To rehash a thread I started last night, DD(9) started a new school last year after we relocated to a new area. Dsis has now moved to this area and her DD Y5 and DS Y2 have started at the same school as my DD Y4 and DS Y1.

I had reservations about this, as I have had issues with my DNiece since DN and DD were 2 years old, with DN's sly unkind behaviour towards my DD. DD is very happy in her new school and although DD has ASD tendancies and is quite eccentric with funny little ways, she has had no bother from any of the other children at the school, and I didn't want that to change.

DN has previous for not sticking up for DD when a year ago, I overheard her friend tell her that she thought my DD was weird and my DN's reaction was to whisper to the friend that I was DD's mum, ie 'shhhh!' because I was standing in the same room. I felt very upset about this and mentioned it to my Dsis who said she spoke with DN and DN's response was that she didn't really know what to do. I was Hmm at the time because I felt that Dsis could have taken the opportunity to clearly state what she was supposed to do, ie stand up for DD (or anyone else in that situation).

So now DN is at DD's school. DD came home yesterday and was really down. It turns out that DN's friends had been saying mean things to her yesterday at school. I mentioned this to my Dsis who again spoke with DN, who confirmed that her friends weren't very nice to DD but again she didn't know what to do as she's just started at the school and didn't want to ruin the friendships she's already made.

I just feel a bit sad that DD's safe little school life has been infiltrated by DN. My mum says DN is only 9 and that I'm expecting too much of her. So AIBU to expect DN to grow a pair and stick up for DD and/or AIBU to expect Dsis to teach DN that it's not ok to stand by mute while her friends pick on DD, her cousin (but anyone else for that matter)?

OP posts:
marmaladetwatkins · 30/03/2011 09:15

I think you may be expecting too much of your DN, to be honest although I do understand why you're peeved that she's rocked the boat wrt to your DD's school.

Your DN won't want to alienate herself from her friend if she is a newcomer to the school. That's understandable. I would approach this from the angle of your sister. Try and get her to talk to your niece. Tell your DD to try and avoid this girl too as she sounds like a bully in the making (the friend of your niece)

doutzen · 30/03/2011 09:16

YANBU to expect your DSis to teach her that it's not alright, but personally, I think YABU to expect DN to stick up for your DD.
I know that yes, that sounds awful - but it takes a lot of confidence to stand up for someone, especially in a new school where you know absolutely nobody else. I'd say if they were close cousins then yes, she probably would have wanted to and had the confidence to stand up for your DD.

altinkum · 30/03/2011 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 09:27

Thanks. I'm not holding DN responsible for the bother, but unfortunately being DN's cousin has drawn the attention of this group of friends that DD had never had any trouble from before. DN and friends are the type who are into makeup and being very grown up etc and DD is a bit of a tomboy and even wears boys shoes, which leaves her open to ridicule from this particular group, now that they've noticed her. Which was what I was concerned about before DN started at the school.

OP posts:
Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 09:32

Your dn is not their to protect your dd from harm

Perhaps if my DN finds herself without anyone to play with, I should tell DD that she's not there to befriend her. Hmm Sure, she's not there to protect DD, but I wouldn't expect her to stand next to DD and say nothing while she's being bullied, when she brought the friends over to DD in the first place!

OP posts:
Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 09:34

Tell your DD to try and avoid this girl too as she sounds like a bully in the making (the friend of your niece)

I have told DD to just avoid DN and her friends. And have said to Dsis that if DN wants to mix with DD at school she will have to find some nicer friends OR stick up for DD if they start being mean to her. Surely that's fair enough?

OP posts:
Crawling · 30/03/2011 09:45

My 9yo little sister goes to school with DS age 5. Some of the y6 boys were picking on him my sister didnt need to confront she just went and told the teacher. OP YANBU.

Birdsgottafly · 30/03/2011 09:50

It depends on what you call bullying. Im sorry but any nine year old wearing the opposites gender shoes is going to be teased.

If the name calling is about your DD's ASD then that is now different (when they were younger you could not expect your DN to know how to defend ASD behaviour). They are now getting to an age where that sort of teasing is unacceptable, because of increased understanding, but it should be dealt with by the school not your DN.

Your DN is in a difficult position because it is natural to want to fit in and go with the crowd at their age. It takes a strong child to stand up to peer pressure, your DN may not be that way inclined.

It is as much about how you are handling the teasing with your DD as some children with ASD appear 'different' and 'weird' to their peer group and have a hard time. That is why the school should be aware of the situation.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 10:13

The thing is that afaik there hasnt been any teasing before now. Besides which, a bit of teasing I can deal with. It's the spiteful picking on DD yesterday that I didn't like. They singled DD out both playtimes and even though they'd done it in break, DN still came over to DD at lunchtime, whereby her 'friends' started being nasty to DD again.

But I agree that DN probably isn't strong enough to stand up to anyone. Whereas I have taught DD that that kind of behaviour is unacceptable and I know she had stood up for someone in the past who was being picked on (that she didn't know but saw happening).

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/03/2011 10:44

Then why doesn't she stick up for herself if you've taught her that?

Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable and kind of blaming the problem on your DN.

If your child is as eccentric as you say and has 'ASD tendancies' (what does that even mean? Is she ASD or not??), it's probably only a matter of time before other kids pick up on that. This is not the fault of your DN and it's not fair to expect her to draw attention to herself by constantly sticking up for your DD.

You can choose your friends but sadly you can't choose your family. I had a cousin in the year below me at school who was considered 'odd'. The other kids didn't really like him and to be honest, nor did I.

If he was being physically assaulted of course I would have jumped in, but other than that I just left him alone and got on with my own life.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 11:30

She did stick up for herself. She's not that weird either. She is just happy in her own skin tbh and not trying to be anything she isn't.

For example, there is a school disco this week and DD wants to wear her favourite Sonic t-shirt, with jeans and trainers. And it will be all I can do to get her to brush her hair before she goes. I don't think this means she will deserve to be mocked by DN and her friends who will be done up to the nines, wearing make-up and their hair curled at the age of 9. These friends wouldn't have even noticed DD before DN started and joined their group, now she has become a target for them.

But having just re-read your post with what does that even mean? Is she ASD or not? has made me realise that that's quite an ignorant thing to say and so I don't think your opinion carries much weight with me I'm afraid.

But all this has made me realise that maybe it's me that has over-estimated the meaning of family and that I will rescind my instructions to DC that they should help their cousins out at school if they are having any problems and just leave them to it as it's not their or my problem. Hmm

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/03/2011 11:34

These friends wouldn't have even noticed DD before DN started and joined their group, now she has become a target for them.

You do NOT know that...and that is my point regarding you blaming your DN.

My question was not an ignorant one either. The ASD tendancies...was that diagnosed by a professional or by yourself?

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 11:41

A professional Ed Pysch who wanted to dx her ASD but DD scored 1 under the threshold so she couldn't.

You're right, I don't know that. But it's curious how my reservation that DN starting at the school would cause problems for DD based on history came true when DN started at the school and although DD had not experienced a single problem from any other child in the school in the year she has been there, is now having problems with DN's group of friends. Hmm

OP posts:
AdamJSusan · 30/03/2011 11:42

Your daughter embarrasses your niece. Your niece does not want to stick up for your daughter. Nothing to be done.

Concentrate less on what one child can do to fix the issues of another child and try to help your daughter yourself if need be.

ShortArseFuck · 30/03/2011 11:45

Sorry but I think your DN being at the school is a total red herring.

You need to deal with the bulling in the normal way with the school.

your DN being at the school is irrelevant. And DN should not be expected to do any more than any other child if they see bullying

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 11:45

Might be an idea to just chill and let the school deal with it then. That's what they're there for.

It's not nice for you daughter obviously, but really you're better speaking to the staff than putting all this on your DN.

Also, your DD has been there a year...that means the kids are all a year older. Sadly they tend to get bitchy as they get older anyway...in the sense of taking the piss out of what others choose to wear etc..

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 11:47

That's fair enough.

AIBU then to expect to DN to stop pretending to be DD's friend and coming to speak to her in the playground, bringing her cronies with her to then be spiteful to her? Because she was quite happy when she started at the school to band around that her cousin also went to the school etc. etc.

OP posts:
AdamJSusan · 30/03/2011 11:53

I think you are being ridiculous to want your niece to do anything. What is it to you if she is your daughter's her friend or not? She will be or she won't and none of it is your decision and there is nothing you can do about it.

They are related so they will meet socially forever even if they are not friends and not at same school.

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 11:59

I imagine your DN will breathe a huge sigh of relief to be able to stop pretending she's her friend. As long as her Aunt and her Mum don't have a go at her for it.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 12:02

I will let the school deal with it. I was just disappointed that Dsis felt it was ok for DN to let DD down in that way and wondered if IABU to expect more. I told my DB and he said he wasn't surprised and had known something like that would happen as soon as DN started at DD's school.

Tbh I've never really held DN in high regard as she has always been sly and bitchy so maybe I'm also letting DN down in my own way by thinking that about her. I'd have still told DD off for behaving that way though and not sticking up for family, but I recognise people have different standards and values.

But whether or not DN is a red herring, she has stood by and watched someone get bullied by her friends so is complicit. It doesn't really matter whether or not they were related, I would be very disappointed if either of my DC didn't have the strength of character to report it to a teacher, even if they felt they didn't want to confront the bullies themselves.

I don't expect them to be friends, or particularly want them to be. I didn't even want them at the same school. That's not what this is about. I just expect DN not to think it's ok for her friends to bully DD. It's not too much to ask.

OP posts:
Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 12:08

I kind of object to this idea that I am desperate for DN and DD to be friends. This is very far from the truth as there is little about DN that I admire and would like to have in a friend of DD's. I never wanted them at the same school and it was Dsis who decided to move closer and put them in the same school. Dsis and I have always recognised that they are not great friends, the same way as DS and her DS are. But I do not expect that to translate into nasty behaviour from DN's friends to DD. If DN doesn't like DD, she should just leave her alone, the same way DD tries to do with DN. If anything it's DD who will now give a sigh of relief now that she doesn't have to be friends with DN.

OP posts:
AdamJSusan · 30/03/2011 12:09

I you think every child that does nothing when bullying goes on is complicit then you must condemn a lot of kids. They are young and do not know how to react 'correctly' in situations.

You seem to just have a downer on your neice.

Tell her not to be friends with your daughter, have a bad relationship with her, fall out with your sister. The kids will do what they want anyway and you will have upset people in your family.

Or just keep your nose out and make sure the school sorts it out.

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 12:10

I think your low regard for your DN is causing mixed signals.

You said yourself your DD is quite eccentric with funny little ways

Children wouldn't automatically use those words..they would use the word weird...yet when a child said your DD was weird, you got annoyed that your DN whispered that you were in the room (which was nice imo to save you possibly getting upset)

What did you expect your DN to say? Did you expect her to lie and say she wasn't weird? Because you yourself have said she is...albeit you used the words 'eccentric' and 'funny little ways'

Perhaps your DN is just confused?

evilgdil · 30/03/2011 12:13

you want youd dn to stop your dd being bullied? how exactly?
you are the parent, you sort it.
you sound like you have issues with your dn, and are willing to blame her for everything, including mocking what she wants to wear, calling her sly, bitchy and that she is a dissappointment..bully much?

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 30/03/2011 12:15

I feel sorry for your niece, and the language you use to describe her betray your own feelings about her,( being sly from the age of 2 FFS Hmm)

She is obviously inferior to your own child and as such it is not her role to stop this, it is yours by dealing solely with the school.