To expect DN to stick up for DD if she's being bullied?

[chicaguapa]

This is a genuine question.

To rehash a thread I started last night, DD(9) started a new school last year after we relocated to a new area. Dsis has now moved to this area and her DD Y5 and DS Y2 have started at the same school as my DD Y4 and DS Y1.

I had reservations about this, as I have had issues with my DNiece since DN and DD were 2 years old, with DN's sly unkind behaviour towards my DD. DD is very happy in her new school and although DD has ASD tendancies and is quite eccentric with funny little ways, she has had no bother from any of the other children at the school, and I didn't want that to change.

DN has previous for not sticking up for DD when a year ago, I overheard her friend tell her that she thought my DD was weird and my DN's reaction was to whisper to the friend that I was DD's mum, ie 'shhhh!' because I was standing in the same room. I felt very upset about this and mentioned it to my Dsis who said she spoke with DN and DN's response was that she didn't really know what to do. I was at the time because I felt that Dsis could have taken the opportunity to clearly state what she was supposed to do, ie stand up for DD (or anyone else in that situation).

So now DN is at DD's school. DD came home yesterday and was really down. It turns out that DN's friends had been saying mean things to her yesterday at school. I mentioned this to my Dsis who again spoke with DN, who confirmed that her friends weren't very nice to DD but again she didn't know what to do as she's just started at the school and didn't want to ruin the friendships she's already made.

I just feel a bit sad that DD's safe little school life has been infiltrated by DN. My mum says DN is only 9 and that I'm expecting too much of her. So AIBU to expect DN to grow a pair and stick up for DD and/or AIBU to expect Dsis to teach DN that it's not ok to stand by mute while her friends pick on DD, her cousin (but anyone else for that matter)?

No Mrsgravy.

Please read my comment again :)

I am pointing out that threads take off like fireworks sometimes .

Personally, I read between the lines ~ I read/feel the emotion ...that is how I approach most situations here ...and in IRL .

In this particular case ,I have also felt the bruising of a troublesome cousin ~I know it hurts .

Sometimes there is no need to say anything ,sometimes more should do that here .

There are responses on here that look like they are pre-programmed and that the responder is on auto-pilot ?????

Oh ffs if sometimes people said nothing this forum wouldn't exist.

Or are wall supposed to just hug the OP and nod?

Yes, lets stop writing anything and just feel the emotion instead:

Can you feel that doley?

Worraliberty no,of course that is not my suggestion .

Bullying comes in all forms ,I personally think that being un-kind is bullying or can be received as such .

The herd exists on these type of forums as some know each other IRL ~not always (I know) :)

I am a very active member of a totally different message board (here in the US ) I know how these things can take off .

I have totally off -topic-ed this thread ...I am going to have my lunch now

I think that accusing people of not reading properly or of herd mentality is pretty unkind actually.

Worraliberty

I feel you are a little snarky ...that is just from the little you have shared today .

Thank you for that :)

And I feel you are more than a little sanctimonious to come on to a thread you've hardly taken part in and start criticising the way other people post.

Good grief! Look how you gang up on someone who has kindly tried to support me! No wonder you feel IABU. I'm going to ask to get this thread pulled. I think it has turned nasty. It's not ok for me to say my DN isn't very nice, that it's ok for my DD to potentially be bullied because she's different, I'm a nasty aunty and will affect DN's life for ever, apparently I've called DN a sly bitch, it's ok to jump

'Ganging up'? Oh dear god.....

Actually worraliberty I commented ages ago in defense of OP ~please take a look :)

I am now feeling you are a little limited and I regret responding !

I took a look before I replied to you and I stand by what I said. I don't know who died and made you 'forum critic'. If people's replies are not to your liking I'm afraid you'll just have to deal with that.

Good grief! Look how you gang up on someone who has kindly tried to support me! No wonder you feel IABU. I'm going to ask to get this thread pulled. I think it has turned nasty. It's not ok for me to say my DN isn't very nice, it's ok for my DD to potentially be bullied because she's different, it's ok to say I'm a nasty aunty and will affect DN's life for ever, apparently I've called DN a sly bitch, and my whole family is ganging up on DN. I can't say I've ever been more let down by mn before. I think some of you should be truly ashamed of yourself for your attitude on this thread. I think you are no better than the bullies who are allowed to get away with it because there are people who are not taught to have a backbone. And thank you to the people who have been nice and supportive.

Worraliberty as I do ,as I do :)

Don't bother me none (as they say round here )

"I don't know who died and made you 'forum critic' ?"

LOL ...how very primary school !

Yes dear.

Anyway, you asked if you're being unreasonable and I think you've had your majority vote.

You can play the victim or deal with it and take on board what's been said.

Your call.

Yet again, someone has posted in "Am I being unreasonable" and on being told that many people think they are being unreasonable, they disagree.

Why on earth bother posting in this area if you don't actually want to hear that people disagree with you. You clearly think you are right, and don't want to hear any opposing views.

Next time, try posting in the special needs section, or the bullying section.

FWIW I do think one or 2 posters have been very unkind and there is no need for that. However one of those posters wrote something equally inflammortory on another thread and clearly likes looking for fights. Pathetic really. And not worth getting upset about.

People who are fundamentally unreasonable can rarely face up to it

Hear Hear.

I know of 1 poster on here that have been on a couple of other threads causing trouble.

Actually I don't know how to pull the thread.

Fwiw I accept that IA probably BU to expect DN, as a new girl at the school, to stick up for DD, and if you can be bothered to read what I've posted as opposed to what people are saying I've posted, you'll see that I conceded that some time back. However, what I feel is important here is that this is not random bullying that I'm expecting DN to jump in and sort out. These are incidents at which my DN is present and has initiated, albiet possibly unknowingly.

I do not accept that it's reasonable for DN to be complicit in bullying DD because I apparently have said that she's a sly bitch. I'm aghast that you would think it's acceptable for DN to be involved in any kind of bullying whatsoever, whether it's directed at DD or someone else in the school.

I don't accept that it's reasonable for DD to be bullied because she doesn't conform in the same way as DN and her friends. DD is not weird, nor embarrassing to DN. For all you know DD might think that DN is horribly shallow and only interested in her looks. She might be horrified that DN has joined her school and telling all and sundry that DD is her cousin. Would that give DD the right to stand by and watch DN get treated nastily by her friends? It's totally unacceptable for anyone to be bullied because they behave differently or shares different views. To be on a parenting site and think that it's reasonable is disturbing.

I do not accept that it's unreasonable to ask DN to stay away from DD if her friends cannot treat her with any kind of respect. If DN feels that she doesn't know how to deal with that situation, then she should avoid creating that situation OR Dsis teaches her how to deal with it. In the same way I have told DD how to deal with the situation and to stay well out of their way.

Also fwiw, as I posted some time back, people in RL who know the people involved and the history feel that I on the whole ANBU. These are people with whom I am friends or are in my family. People who obviously share my values and tbh it's their views that count more than people who are prepared to jump on some kind of bandwagon and throw mud without having read what I'm actually posting. So although I may be seen to be flouncing off with my head in the sand, unable to take the fact that the majority verdict is against me, I have actually had a verdict in RL too.

Once again, thank you to the people who have been able to see through all the crap on here and posted in my support. I appreciate it. :)

Echoes of my own childhood in your post, OP. :(

Family doesn't mean the same to everyone and depending on your relationship with your sister and her control over her daughter, your daughter's time at school could be made miserable.

At the first hint that your niece is trying to turn people against your daughter, speak to your sister. Give her one opportunity to stop it and then involve the school. Some girls (and boys) are just spiteful and whether they learned it at home or just don't know how to behave, their behaviour affects those around them.

Your niece has obvious issues with your daughter and you need to make sure that you make it clear to your niece that you expect her to treat her cousin with respect. She doesn't have to like her but she has to treat her decently. Make sure your sister is there when you say it and make sure they know that you will take it further if niece starts causing trouble.

The best and worst thing about family is they know you so well that they can push your buttons and use what they know against you if they so choose... and some do choose that.

As far as your DD is concerned, as long as she knows that she has your absolute support - and that you will not believe your sister or her daughter over her - she will have confidence in you and trust you to protect her.

I had a very spiteful cousin who used to do any amount of things to hurt me and I didn't tell my Mum because she was in awe of her sister and I didn't think she'd believe me. I carried that with me for so many years and I wish I'd told my Mum straight when I was a kid.

Post back, OP, I'd love to hear how this pans out... I have visions of your daughter and you as a team to foil the spite of your niece... and I'm rooting for you. :)

To have it removed, press report. Top right hand corner.
I haven't been back since yesterday, I would wholeheartedly agree with worra and littlefish.

I have only read the first page, OP, but I think I feel more sorry for you for the spite and nastiness of posters almost than the school situation.

I think you are absolutely right to be upset about DN, she clearly has form and yes I would be absolutely disappointed if my children didn't stick up for any bullied child, let alone their cousin.

I can imagine too, how useful it is to have dd as a target to bind the spiteful group together. All too common.

Please ignore the nasty people on this thread. MN has a whole load of cunts at the mo for some reason.

And DO NOT have the thread pulled. Let everyone see these foul posters for what they are.

Agrees with Hully, Please keep this thread, OP, you have every right to post it and a 'majority' opinion here is nothing of the sort, however loudly it's proclaimed. :)