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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DN to stick up for DD if she's being bullied?

136 replies

chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 09:10

This is a genuine question.

To rehash a thread I started last night, DD(9) started a new school last year after we relocated to a new area. Dsis has now moved to this area and her DD Y5 and DS Y2 have started at the same school as my DD Y4 and DS Y1.

I had reservations about this, as I have had issues with my DNiece since DN and DD were 2 years old, with DN's sly unkind behaviour towards my DD. DD is very happy in her new school and although DD has ASD tendancies and is quite eccentric with funny little ways, she has had no bother from any of the other children at the school, and I didn't want that to change.

DN has previous for not sticking up for DD when a year ago, I overheard her friend tell her that she thought my DD was weird and my DN's reaction was to whisper to the friend that I was DD's mum, ie 'shhhh!' because I was standing in the same room. I felt very upset about this and mentioned it to my Dsis who said she spoke with DN and DN's response was that she didn't really know what to do. I was Hmm at the time because I felt that Dsis could have taken the opportunity to clearly state what she was supposed to do, ie stand up for DD (or anyone else in that situation).

So now DN is at DD's school. DD came home yesterday and was really down. It turns out that DN's friends had been saying mean things to her yesterday at school. I mentioned this to my Dsis who again spoke with DN, who confirmed that her friends weren't very nice to DD but again she didn't know what to do as she's just started at the school and didn't want to ruin the friendships she's already made.

I just feel a bit sad that DD's safe little school life has been infiltrated by DN. My mum says DN is only 9 and that I'm expecting too much of her. So AIBU to expect DN to grow a pair and stick up for DD and/or AIBU to expect Dsis to teach DN that it's not ok to stand by mute while her friends pick on DD, her cousin (but anyone else for that matter)?

OP posts:
megapixels · 31/03/2011 10:09

YANBU to the thread title. I would expect an older cousin to stick up for and look after my DC if they were at the same school.

However, family loyalty comes from having genuine love and affection between all members, who look out for each other as a given. It doesn't sound like you like your DN very much (sorry, just an observation), so it is unlikely that she would feel any kind of special relationship to your DD simply because she knows they are related.

coppertop · 31/03/2011 10:10

I too think it would be better to keep this thread. There is something very wrong with the world when adults describe the bullying of a child as inevitable and don't expect any better of a 9yr-old.

As I said yesterday, the insinuation that Chicaguapa and/or her dd are somehow to blame because the dd is different to other children is awful. Leaving this thread is a useful reminder of what happens when this point of view isn't contested in childhood.

Good luck to you and your dd, Chica. :)

Morloth · 31/03/2011 10:27

Most families have a scapegoat, it would seem that your family has found theirs.

You cannot expect your DN to display loyalty when you are not doing the same.

Hullygully · 31/03/2011 10:29

Most families do not have a scapegoat.

"Loyalty" has to be earned. If DN has a history of spite (and you really don't know children like this? Lucky you), she ain't gonna get much because other people are too busy defending their dc from her.

littleducks · 31/03/2011 10:35

I am disapointed at this thread.

There have been children in dd's class who haven't quite fitted in. One from a poor households so has the uncool shoes, the cheaper but slightly wrong colour jumper and whose parents forget/dont want to send him in wearing fancy dress on mufti days and one who has a disability.

I don't expect dd to be best friends with these children but I do expect her to be kind and caring and stand up for them if others are mean, whether by saying something herself or telling the teacher.

The children who stand by and watch and do nothing are as bad as the children who name call.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 31/03/2011 11:05

So far I have said:

My brother has expressed concern in the past regarding DN and kept a watchful eye on his DC and that he wasn't surprised something like this has happened at school.

My dad has said that it was too much to expect DN to stand up for DD so soon after starting a new school but that he would expect her to do so when she's more settled. Also that he thinks it'd be better for DN not to approach DD with her friends if they are going to behave like that.

My mum has said (when discussing my concerms about DN joining DD's school) that if there are any problems at school it will only be for 4 terms.

Quite how this is turned into DN becoming the family scapegoat is quite a leap. Hmm DN is well thought of in the family as are all the DC. DN is very charming and has lots of positive traits in her character. It is just recognised that there have been issues between DN and DD in the past regarding spite and deliberate harm that would justify any concerns with them attending the same school.

DH and I have witnessed DN's treatment of DD over the years and were, as a result, dismayed when DN was going to start at DD's school. As far as we're concerned, we have treated all DN the same. Though it is inevitable that DN will pick on some kind of bad-feeling from the parents of the child she has been caught tormenting, once again, when she thought no-one was looking. But tbh supporting DD on these occasions is far more important to us than how this will affect DN. Which incidentally is the view that Dsis has taken on each of the these occasions wrt her DD.

OP posts:
littleducks · 31/03/2011 12:39

How longer will DN be at the school (you mention 4 terms?) If she will leave soon maybe it will be a temporary blip for DD?

Are there other schools for DD? Seems a bit drastic but it might be worth putting her on waiting lists in case it gets worse and if it gets better you are under no obligation to move her

Viewing other schools may make your sister realise how serious this is for you, as i think she seems to se it as trivial

muminthecity · 31/03/2011 13:26

I don't think YABU, buy unfortunately DN has showed that she is never going to stick up for your DD so there probably isn't much point expecting it now Sad
FWIW I have a 6 year old DN who is also very sneaky and mean to my DD. Thankfully they are not at the same school, we live quite far away from them, but I can imagine if they were at the same school DN would definitely not stick up for my DD in this sort of situation, in fact she'd probably join in.

monkeyjamtart · 31/03/2011 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

princessparty · 31/03/2011 16:52

'If my DC was friends with someone who liked to take the piss out of someones shoes, or because they act a bit different I would put a stop to that friendship straight away'
So how would you go about doing that?

monkeyjamtart · 31/03/2011 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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