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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DN to stick up for DD if she's being bullied?

136 replies

chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 09:10

This is a genuine question.

To rehash a thread I started last night, DD(9) started a new school last year after we relocated to a new area. Dsis has now moved to this area and her DD Y5 and DS Y2 have started at the same school as my DD Y4 and DS Y1.

I had reservations about this, as I have had issues with my DNiece since DN and DD were 2 years old, with DN's sly unkind behaviour towards my DD. DD is very happy in her new school and although DD has ASD tendancies and is quite eccentric with funny little ways, she has had no bother from any of the other children at the school, and I didn't want that to change.

DN has previous for not sticking up for DD when a year ago, I overheard her friend tell her that she thought my DD was weird and my DN's reaction was to whisper to the friend that I was DD's mum, ie 'shhhh!' because I was standing in the same room. I felt very upset about this and mentioned it to my Dsis who said she spoke with DN and DN's response was that she didn't really know what to do. I was Hmm at the time because I felt that Dsis could have taken the opportunity to clearly state what she was supposed to do, ie stand up for DD (or anyone else in that situation).

So now DN is at DD's school. DD came home yesterday and was really down. It turns out that DN's friends had been saying mean things to her yesterday at school. I mentioned this to my Dsis who again spoke with DN, who confirmed that her friends weren't very nice to DD but again she didn't know what to do as she's just started at the school and didn't want to ruin the friendships she's already made.

I just feel a bit sad that DD's safe little school life has been infiltrated by DN. My mum says DN is only 9 and that I'm expecting too much of her. So AIBU to expect DN to grow a pair and stick up for DD and/or AIBU to expect Dsis to teach DN that it's not ok to stand by mute while her friends pick on DD, her cousin (but anyone else for that matter)?

OP posts:
colditz · 30/03/2011 13:01

YABU

It's YOUR job to stick your neck on the line for your daughter, and whilst you can expect that your DN never ever picks on your daughter, it is NOT acceptable to expect her to be your daughter's support worker.

coppertop · 30/03/2011 13:03

Bullying is only inevitable when people are happy to stand by, let it happen, and then say rubbish like "Well it's her fault for having the wrong clothes/shoes/hair."

mercibucket · 30/03/2011 13:06

It's a school issue - end of.

choccyp1g · 30/03/2011 13:07

And it is not inevitable that children get bullied for wearing different shoes or clothes. Just like it is not inevitable that people with different colour skin or hair will be bullied.

It all depends on how quick the school is to pick up on it and stamp it out, introduce appropriate anti-bullying actions, discussions during PHSE, circle time etc.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 13:08

If either my Dnephew or Dniece was being picked on at school and DD or DS saw it I would expect them at the very least to report it, and not to shrug their shoulders and say it was nothing to do with them. I also think Dsis would expect DD or DS to take that action too and would be very upset if they were doing nothing at all, but knew it was happening.

To be honest I would expect DC to take this action if they saw any bullying at school, but would take a very dim view indeed if it was one of their friends or cousins.

If I found out that either DD or DS were actively approaching either DN with their friends and stood and watched whilst they were picked on I would go ballistic.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 30/03/2011 13:08

Yes coppertop I agree. But then again you and I are adults and not 9yr old children.

colditz · 30/03/2011 13:11

9 year olds are nine though. They are not small adults.

One nine year old being less interested in pretty things than other nine year olds does not make other nine year olds wrong, or bitchy, or sly, or even any more mature than the uninterested one.

Your best bet would be to ask your DN to stay away from your DD if she can't be nice, but she can't stop being nine.

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 13:11

What pisses me off OP is that you clearly have no loyalty or love at all for your 'sly' 'bitchy' DN...yet you expect her to show some in return?

You're reaping what you've spent the last 9yrs sowing in my opinion.

As others have said, put your own neck on the line for your own DD and let the school get on with it.

With your DD being so very popular amongst her own classmates, I'm surprised she has any time to be listening to what your DN's mates say anyway.

theresapotatoundermysink · 30/03/2011 13:13

My cousin and I went to the same school. We were one year apart and my cousin was part of a really laddish group of friends. His friends used to pick on everyone - including me - and he would just stand there. We were older at the time 13 & 14, but still to this day it has affected our relationship and I'm not as close with him as with my other cousins.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 13:15

I should point out that what I expect would be any of the below:

a) DN stays away from DD if she knows her friends are picking on her
b) Tell a teacher or Dsis because she recognises that this kind of treatment of another child is wrong

I do not expect her to:

a) Pretend to be DD's friend and bring her friends over to DD in the playground so they can be horrible to her.
b) Be her support worker.

OP posts:
Bringonthegoat · 30/03/2011 13:16

Have only read the OP - I think the way you say 'school infiltrated by DN' implies you don't particularly like your DN.

I agree your DSis should be teaching her to address bad behaviour properly (am loathe to call name calling bullying, bullying is horrific). YANBU about DSis needing to deal with it.

I think you are expecting a bit much though - yes DH should stick up for her cousin but the urge to blend in is strong in DC - they will often go against what they know is right to fit in. YABU to expect her to grow a pair (and a bit sexist Wink)

Bringonthegoat · 30/03/2011 13:17

*DN not DH obv

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 13:19

So your DN's friends can't walk across the playground without being 'led' over by your DN??

Really, you may as well blame the state of the economy and all natural disasters on her too...clearly they'll be her fault also.

mercibucket · 30/03/2011 13:19

Just substitute the word DN with 'random child in other class'. Your expectations are entirely reasonable but it's up to the school to make sure that each and every child ...

''a) stays away from DD if she knows her friends are picking on her
b) Tell a teacher or parent because they recognises that this kind of treatment of another child is wrong

I do not expect her to:

a) Pretend to be DD's friend and bring her friends over to DD in the playground so they can be horrible to her.
b) Be her support worker.''

Or do you intend on enforcing this rule with each and every child at the school yourself, op?

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 13:21

No just the 'sly 9yr old bitch' it would seem mercibucket Cos she's 'familee'...

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 13:21

Re your comment about loyalty. It's not about me. It's about how DN is treating DD at school, when she already had a history of it at home.

DN not being interested in the same things as DD does not make her sly and bitchy. Doing/saying things to DD when she thinks no-one is looking/listening makes her sly and bitchy to the extent that DD just takes herself off at family get-togethers to stay out of DN's way. Forgive me if I'm not jumping for joy that DN has now joined DD's school and now she's being bullied for the first time in her life. Hmm

OP posts:
AdamJSusan · 30/03/2011 13:23

She is not being bullied by your Niece.

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 13:26

It is about loyalty. You expect your 9yr old DN to be loyal towards your DD, yet you don't even show compassion to your DN let alone any loyalty.

And your still blaming the bullying on the fact your DN is now going to the same school?

FFS you really need to get real.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 13:31

AdamJSusan No she's not being picked on by my niece. But my original question was that AIBU to expect DN to stand up for DD if her friends are bullying her? Fair enough, it's maybe too much to expect of a 9-year-old who wants to fit in at a new school. But I'm disappointed that DN has failed to show the strength of character and judgement that I encourage in my own DC. Unless it's not allowed on mn to be proud about trying to raise nice children and to dislike nasty behaviour, especially that which is directed at your own DC?

OP posts:
AdamJSusan · 30/03/2011 13:36

I am not objecting about you being proud of your child. Nothing wrong in that at all.

I think you cannot expect a 9 year old child to show strength of character that it seems she does not posess.

Lacking strength of character does not make her at fault.

You are being unreasonable to assume a 9 year old girl will stand up to a pack of her peers, you are being unreasonable to call her a sly bitch.

mayorquimby · 30/03/2011 13:37

You say in your own dp you've had issues with the niece since she was 2, why would you expect strength of character and loyalty from a 9 year old when it doesn't seem as though you have shown any?

Lawm01 · 30/03/2011 13:43

Fair enough, it's maybe too much to expect of a 9-year-old who wants to fit in at a new school.

Your own words. She's nine years old. She's at a new school, trying to fit in. She doesn't know how to make new friends and sees your DD's quirkiness as an opportunity to make her own mark. Completely normal behaviour, although obviously not acceptable. No child should be allowed to facilitate bullying.

Please leave this to the school to sort out, don't try to force the cousins to be mates (in or out of school). It seems that a competition/division has been created between them (not their doing, maybe their mothers?).

It seems obvious that you have disliked your niece from a very early age. Justifiably or not. Maybe she's picked up on this and is reacting in the only way she knows how?

It also seems strange that other members of her family discuss her spitefullness, slyness, bitchiness etc. You're all talking about her behind her back and not in a nice way. If children were doing this in the playground, would you think that was bullying?

Unwind · 30/03/2011 13:53

Why not approach the school regarding what you percieve to be "bullying"? It is up to them to sort it out.

"She has been horrible to DD for last 7 years with sly bitchiness "

you have decided that she was a sly bitch when she was a toddler. What kind of Aunt does that? What kind of human being?

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 14:22

Just to point out that I haven't called DN a bitch. Someone else said that. I have said that she is bitchy but someone else had already pointed out that girls get bitchy as they get older. She is sly. Doing unpleasant things when people aren't looking/ at the same time as pretending to be nice is sly. I can't help that.

It IS a two way thing. Dsis hasn't shown any loyalty towards DD by condoning DN's behaviour towards her in the past. I don't show DN any loyalty because of DN's behaviour towards DD in the past. Clearly this lack of loyalty has transferred onto the children.

We don't discuss DN's negative traits in the way that's being perceived. It has come up in the past as we have fallen out over specific events where DD has been deliberately harmed by DN, either physically and emotionally. My parents have sympathised with this and have suggested that DN might grow out of it. DB has expressed concern in the past with his DC and a reluctance to leave them alone with DN, so we discussed it then. He has also now said that he's not surprised at all that this situation has now arisen at school.

I have just spoke to my dad who is also disappointed that DN didn't stick up for DD but, like I now do, recognises that it was a difficult situation to be in as she's new at the school. He strongly believes that when she has been there longer, she must learn to stick up for other people, especially her cousins, in the same way he expects my DC to look out for them at school. He said he will make sure Dsis realises this and conveys it to DN.

Again, I realise that it's easy to make judgements when you don't know the people. So I have given you examples of the response from people in RL that do know the people involved. Perhaps it will stop everyone from calling me a bad aunty.

OP posts:
AdamJSusan · 30/03/2011 14:31

Did you just tell your dad on us?