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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DN to stick up for DD if she's being bullied?

136 replies

chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 09:10

This is a genuine question.

To rehash a thread I started last night, DD(9) started a new school last year after we relocated to a new area. Dsis has now moved to this area and her DD Y5 and DS Y2 have started at the same school as my DD Y4 and DS Y1.

I had reservations about this, as I have had issues with my DNiece since DN and DD were 2 years old, with DN's sly unkind behaviour towards my DD. DD is very happy in her new school and although DD has ASD tendancies and is quite eccentric with funny little ways, she has had no bother from any of the other children at the school, and I didn't want that to change.

DN has previous for not sticking up for DD when a year ago, I overheard her friend tell her that she thought my DD was weird and my DN's reaction was to whisper to the friend that I was DD's mum, ie 'shhhh!' because I was standing in the same room. I felt very upset about this and mentioned it to my Dsis who said she spoke with DN and DN's response was that she didn't really know what to do. I was Hmm at the time because I felt that Dsis could have taken the opportunity to clearly state what she was supposed to do, ie stand up for DD (or anyone else in that situation).

So now DN is at DD's school. DD came home yesterday and was really down. It turns out that DN's friends had been saying mean things to her yesterday at school. I mentioned this to my Dsis who again spoke with DN, who confirmed that her friends weren't very nice to DD but again she didn't know what to do as she's just started at the school and didn't want to ruin the friendships she's already made.

I just feel a bit sad that DD's safe little school life has been infiltrated by DN. My mum says DN is only 9 and that I'm expecting too much of her. So AIBU to expect DN to grow a pair and stick up for DD and/or AIBU to expect Dsis to teach DN that it's not ok to stand by mute while her friends pick on DD, her cousin (but anyone else for that matter)?

OP posts:
Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 14:40

Tbh I don't think he'd be interested. Wink He'd heard from my brother what has been happening at school and wanted to talk about it. He can see both sides, as can I, believe it or not, but said it was unacceptable for DN to condone it by standing by and doing nothing, but conceded that she has probably learnt this from Dsis who has done the same wrt DD since forever. Hmm So he going to have a word.

OP posts:
AdamJSusan · 30/03/2011 14:43

How has your brother heard about it?

doley · 30/03/2011 15:05

I feel sorry for you ~having had a similar situation in my own family here in the US .

I 'get ' what you are talking about ...this is a difficult place to get help though, as I believe it probably stems from tiny things that add up bit by bit and hurt ~listing it here will not convey the feelings enough kwim ?

If it is any help ,the cousin in our family is now getting himself in trouble all by himself everyone is seeing what we have for years :(

Yes, and I am sorry to say it ,but some kids DO display bitchy ,mean behavior from tiny ...

I know I am not a bad Aunty ...I am sure you are not either :) (((((hug )))))

PM if you like :)

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 15:30

That's lovely. Thanks doley (((((grateful hug)))))

OP posts:
florenceuk · 30/03/2011 15:39

Chicaguapa I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time. I think that yes YANBU to think your DN is a bit of a * egging on older girlst to pick on your DD (which is how it comes across to me). But unfortunately small girls can be horrible (I was bullied all through primary school) and being related is no guarantee of better treatment. Agree you need to get the school to nip it in the bud. And lots of hugs because bullying is pretty horrible (which some of the posters here seem to have forgotten).

doley · 30/03/2011 15:50

Exactly florenceuk .

saffy85 · 30/03/2011 15:55

"AIBU to expect DN to stick up for DD if she's being bullied?"

Hell yeah. DNiece is a sly bitch after all Hmm

Seriously, your DN shouldn't have to jump to the defence of anyone, blood related or not. IMO you're asking waaay too much of her. It's great your DD is comfortable enough to march to the beat of her own drum at this age, not many 9 year olds do ime.

However, if DD is getting picked on for this it should be dealt with by adults, not other children including your DN.

FabbyChic · 30/03/2011 16:02

Id phone your niece and tell her to stay away from your daughter in school, as whilst she is bringing her friends over to your daughter she is ending up getting being bullied and that is wrong.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 16:12

Actually I disagree saffy. I think everyone has a responsibility to stand up for other people, relative or not. I hope that there are other DC being brought up to realise they live in a society and that everyone matters, otherwise we'll end up living in a society when everyone is selfish or too scared to stand up against what they think is wrong. I would like to think that the lessons I'm teaching my DC would mean they'd help a stranger in the street, instead of the lessons my DN is learning which is to walk on by or better still, stand and gawp.

OP posts:
Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 16:16

Fabby My Dsis has now told DN to not bring all her friends over to DD if she wants to speak to her at school.

OP posts:
woollyideas · 30/03/2011 16:17

Fabby - you really think it would be acceptable for an adult to phone a 9 year old child and tell her to stay away from her daughter?

I imagine the average 9 year old would find that extremely intimidating.

Tell me you're not serious...

saffy85 · 30/03/2011 16:44

Do you only expect your neice to make a stand or other children too when your DD gets picked on? If not, why not? If you do, why isn't your thread about them too?

Would you feel as strongly about DN not standing up for your DD if your opinion of your niece wasn't already coloured with the view she is bitchy and sly? If you usually had warm fuzzy feelings for her would you immediately be blaming her for not saying something?

Maybe your niece thinks it's up to your DD to stand up for herself, that she shouldn't have to.

I'd like to think my own DD will make a stand and does to a certain extent already, when others are getting treated unfairly but I also believe that situations like school yard bullying should be dealt with by adults. Your DN stepping in could easily make the situation worse.

princessparty · 30/03/2011 16:45

YABU. Your DN will herself become a target for bullying if she sides with your 'weird' DD.It is too much to expect reallyy

AdamJSusan · 30/03/2011 16:46

I feel sorry for your niece. It seems your whole family is against her and 'know what she is like'.

9 year old and her family have branded her a sly little bitch.

Now I assume she will avoid your daughter because if she decided to go and talk to her, is she to tell her friends "I am off to talk to my cousin, but I have been told you lot cannot come over with me."?

Ridiculous, over reaction.

Poor kid, she will grow up hating your daughter for no fault of your daughter's but because you all get involved in childish matters or things you should leave to the school.

Littlefish · 30/03/2011 17:01

So far, you have only mentioned "sly" things your dn did many years ago (ie the pinching incident).

Whilst one might hope that children in general would stick up for each other against bullying behaviour, I think that given your animosity towards your dn, you are being completely unreasonable to expect any kind of sibling/family support from her for your dd.

If you have a concern about your dd being bullied, then take it up with the school. Keep the rest of your family out of it, and stop slagging your DN off to your dad!

monkeyjamtart · 30/03/2011 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 17:09

You're having a go at me for calling my DN a sly bitch, when it was someone else who coined that phrase on this thread.

Have you forgotten that the reason DN's friends can't come over to speak to DD is because they are spiteful and mean to her? In what mixed-up view is that ok?? So bloody what if they can't come over and speak to DD with DN. Maybe they shouldn't be so nasty then? Diddums for the poor bullies. Hmm

I am honestly flabergasted at the justification for a) watching someone get bullied and doing nothing about it and b) flaming me for wanting to protect my DD.

It's hardly surprising most of you are justifying the bullying. Sometimes I think mn is full of too many playground bullies itself. What a nasty place this can be sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
chicaguapa · 30/03/2011 17:10

Thank you monkey. :)

OP posts:
Unwind · 30/03/2011 17:15

childhood bullying is horrific, but there is nothing here that indicates it is actually happening

teasing or even name calling is not always bullying, which is why it is best left to the school to sort out

not contacting a nine year old's relatives to ensure that they all know how sly and bitchy she is Hmm

saffy85 · 30/03/2011 17:17

"Your DN sounds like a sheep. As all bullys do she will do what she can to stay safe and in with the crowd and go on to lead a pretty dull noniventful life for it. Whilst you DD is happy in her own skin. Childhood bullying is unforgiveable, but we'll see who turns out the better adult from it."

Yes. Many children are sheep in situations like this. It doesn't mean they will always be this way. The person you are at 9 is, believe it or not, not always the person you are 22 Hmm For example, I no longer cry when people comment on the size of my nose like I did aged 9.

And yes I got bullied alot at school. Soul destroying stuff. But it wasn't the responsibility of other kids to protect me. I know that now and I knew it then too.

MrsGravy · 30/03/2011 17:26

I don't think either you OR your niece are covering yourselves in glory to be honest. Thing is, she's 9 and you're a grown up. You expect your DN to show empathy, compassion and courage, to look past your DD's eccentricities and see all her positive traits. That's a commendable expectation and there's nothing wrong with that at all. BUT you are showing a distinct lack of compassion and empathy when talking about your DN.

FWIW I agree that your DN should be encouraged to stand up for her cousin (or anyone else for that matter) in whatever way she can. But I do see that this would be incredibly difficult for a 9 year old to do. I think she needs some adult help to find a way and find the strength to do this. Unfortunately her mother is ineffective and her Aunty seems to dislike her strongly so who's going to do it? I'd say, in some ways, you are a part of the problem too I'm afraid. Anyway, I hope the bullying/teasing stops somehow and your DD settles in to her new school. I have a very lovely and eccentric DNephew with Autism and I'd hate to think of him being picked on. I also have other nieces and nephews who display some pretty horrible behaviours at times but I can't imagine completely writing them off by the age of 9...

doley · 30/03/2011 17:40

It is very important to remember that the OP's daughter was at the school first .

A bit of a safe haven for Mum too ,especially as her daughter has experienced un-kind behaviour in their history from her cousin ...

This is why it grates 'just that bit more ' .

I don't think OP really 'expected ' super defending of her DD from her cousin ,it would have been nice (and I suspect she is raising her DD to do that )

That is why is is shocking ,and hits a nerve ~we are ALL sensitive when our children are concerned .

I don't want to put words in chicaguapa's mouth :) it just reads so clearly to me ...I don't think for one moment she has been un-reasonable .
Unfortunately ...the herd mentality exists here too I see .

For all threads, it is vital we stick to reading what the OP states ~too often things explode and comments that the OP has never even insinuated get attached to them !!!!!

MrsGravy · 30/03/2011 17:44

Ok, doley, so basically if we think the OP is being a bit unreasonable then we are either following the herd or not reading the OP's message properly??!

Crawling · 30/03/2011 17:50

I get that it may BU to expect other children to not stand by and condone bullies. But I am disgusted at people blaiming ops DD for being weird or it is her fault for the clothes she wears Shock. Also whether you stand with bullies or actually bully you will still get the punishment of teachers if your group is caught teasing or bullying. If my DC was friends with someone who liked to take the piss out of someones shoes, or because they act a bit different I would put a stop to that friendship straight away, which is what ops sister should do IMO.

worraliberty · 30/03/2011 17:54

What 'herd mentality' is that?

So if the majority of posters disagree with the OP, are we supposed to elect one spokesperson to speak for all? Hmm

The OP has been less than honest on this thread in my opinion as whenever anyone has mentioned 'bullying' she hasn't pulled them up and said it's not actually bullying.

This is what she said about it on her other thread....

So now DN is at DD's school. DD came home today and was really down. It turns out that DN's friends have been saying unkind things to her today at school. Nothing too Shock

Unkind behaviour? Yes. Bullying? No.