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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be slightly irritated at my friend's fussy eating DS?

376 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 28/03/2011 12:56

I had two friends for lunch yesterday, they have three DS between them and I also have two DC. I was trying to think of something easy to make to eat that most people would like so got in various pizzas, and all the usual trimmings, garlic bread, salad, coleslaw etc. As I'm putting it in the oven, friend A says her DS (age 9) doesn't like pizza but does like garlic bread, could he have a sandwich. No prob, I say and make him a cheese sandwich. Then friend B says her DS (also 9) doesn't like pizza or garlic bread or cheese sandwiches. Ok I say, eventually he agrees to eat a jam sandwich. Then I have to put up with my own DC who usually like pizza, etc asking why can't they just have jam sandwiches and then pudding.

My own DD is a fussy eater but in this scenario I would ask for her to have a small portion and tell her to make a token effort. I was a bit irritated by my friends pandering to her strapping nine year old DS (hope I didn't show it!). AIBU?

OP posts:
hissymissy · 28/03/2011 17:22

YANBU to be irritated, YWBU to pander to it and make anything else, IMO. I would have just said "sorry, it's all there is. Fancy and apple/banana?"

LilyBolero · 28/03/2011 17:30

All those of you who were irritated - how would you have felt if the child had forced themselves to eat a tiny bite, and was sick all over the table? Because that would often be the reaction of ds1. Sounds unbelievable I know. But it's what he would do. Fwiw, he has ALWAYS been a poor eater - didn't feed properly at birth (he latched on fine, but then wouldn't suck. Never very interested in any food. He's equally fussy about sweet things - there are very few desserts/biscuits/cakes/sweets he will eat. Will only eat one variety and flavour of crips - it really isn't him trying it on, to him, some textures and flavours/smells make him sick.

Banana is one - if anyone has a banana he has to go in the garden as he can't abide the smell. So don't be irritated by a fussy eater, for some children it is very distressing to them also, and food is a real stress and issue.

gramercy · 28/03/2011 17:31

The bottom line is good manners.

It's irrelevant whether the child has food intolerances/issues or is just a fussy bugger, what matters and should be taught by the parents is that the way through a situation is to be polite.

If a child at my house said they weren't hungry/declined something politely I'd be falling over myself to find something they did like. Someone who asked "What else have you got?" or whose mother waded in to cater to her child would really go down in my estimation.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 28/03/2011 17:34

dd is exactly like that with banana Lily. I once hid it in chocolate muffins. She was sick. It was messy. Not a good idea.

She doesn't do apples either. Or fruit of any description for that matter.

theresapotatoundermysink · 28/03/2011 17:36

I think you should eat what you've been given. If you don't like it then eat as much as you can.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 28/03/2011 17:40

dd politely says 'no thank you' if she is offered something she doesn't like. I wouldn't expect an alternative but by the same token I wouldn't want her to be encouraged to try something she plainly doesn't like as throwing up on someone's kitchen table isn't good manners either.

hissymissy · 28/03/2011 17:41

Or wait till you get home.

Bogeyface · 28/03/2011 17:42

I dont understand why people are saying the OP should have checked what they would eat. If my child was fussy I would make sure that the host knew that there were certain things they didnt like.

If, as a guest, you dont indicate a food issue then it is hardly the fault of the host if you get served something you dont like.

Bogeyface · 28/03/2011 17:44

and also, if you are served something you dont like because the host didnt know about your preferences then you shouldnt ask for them to go to the trouble of making something else. 2 different lots of sandwiches and I assume wasted food that they wouldnt eat, is v v unreasonable on the part of the guests imo.

ivykaty44 · 28/03/2011 17:45

we went to stay with friends, they have grown up dc so just me and the girls staying and dd1 was about 9 years old.

Host says we are having lasagna tonight with vegtables etc, dd1 looks horrified but I give her one of my looks - don't say a word and then whisper to her " I know you don't like mince meat but please - this isn't the last meal you are going to eat, just try some and eat the vegtables tonight and don't make a big deal out of it our host has gone to a lot of trouble"

Dd1 knew better than make a fuss and at dinner I asked if dd1 could just have a small portion of the lasagna, the vegtables where always put on the table in a hostess table top thing.

Any way guess what...dd1 taste buds had changed and she had seconds on lasagna.

I have often over the years had friends round for dinner with their dc and they know there will be main course and pudding, I make two mians if there are 8 of us and the dc can have as much or as little as they like and help themsellves to vegtables - I am not making other food.

Your friends where incredible rude you are not a restaurant and had gone to a lot of trouble over cooking a fab meal and for them to then turn their noses up is plain rude Sad

hissymissy · 28/03/2011 17:46

You can't help feeling annoyed when a child doesn't like anything you offer them except crips and bacon and egg sandwiches with white bread, never brown, and the fried egg has to have the yolk taken out (just for example). It isn't judgemental, it's simply annoying, even if you love the child for all their other qualities. It's annoying.

So I gave up trying with one particular child. I just said sorry I have this that and the other, its that or wait till you go home. I never forced her to eat, that would be unreasonable.

cherrychoo · 28/03/2011 17:48

YANBU
Its irritating.

catzcream · 28/03/2011 17:50

OP - YANBU

Through trial and error, I find with kids that the pick and mix approach works well. When faced with an array of cherry toms/ cucumber/ carrots/ hummus/ ham/ cheese/ breadsticks/ rolls and crisps of some sort, every child will find something to eat and dive in.

Yogurt/ cake to fill up any hungry tummies works well too.

I have stopped making proper meals for kids as I find that nearly all have something they wont eat...and will pick at which winds me up.

hissymissy · 28/03/2011 18:00

Good idea catzcream

Satireisbest · 28/03/2011 18:01

The posters who say I'm making this and that is it, do the kids come back?

I don't think I would.

I'd give the children a variety of choices then make it them.

I like children being able to say no and make their own decisions it's a good life skill to learn.

Tommy · 28/03/2011 18:04

good point catzcream - that's what I normally do.
As a mother of a very fussy eater (and 2 non-fussy ones!) I usually the arent straightaway when he's invited for a meal that he doesn't really eat anything so not to worry too much... Sad
He wouldn't eat the pizza or garic bread but would have just bread and butter

Tommy · 28/03/2011 18:05

"tell the parent"

(must preview Grin)

hissymissy · 28/03/2011 18:11

Satire, I do give them a choice. Usually between 2/3 things. However, I am usually broke, and have a limited stock of items in. I rarely buy crisps and chocolate or biscuits for example. If I only have brown bread in, I am not going rushing out to buy white bread just for one child. So, I offer a coupel of things that I do have, and if they don't like any of them, it's their choice not to eat them.

And if they don't want to come over to see DS just because I didn't feed them what ever they like then tough. DS has plenty of friends who play with him because they want to play with him, not because they want to eat my food!

GrendelsMum · 28/03/2011 18:11

DMiL has food issues, and brought her children up actively telling them that a long list of food was disgusting and should be avoided, including pizza and pasta. At least (presumably) no one on here is doing that!

On the other hand, I do notice that my DSiL does unconsciously tell the DNs that they won't like food - she tends to stand in the same room telling other people that they won't eat various foods that have just been offered to them, and the kids are clearly listening. DH isn't sure whether he ought to point this out to her, as she'd probably hate to think that she's doing the same thing that their mum did.

TheNumberTaker · 28/03/2011 18:27

Making me sad reading this and hoping my DD isn't going to end up a social pariah as she gets older. I have had to cater for kids a lot myself, not fussy ones, but ones who are not backwards in coming forwards about asking for certain food. I always try to be a gracious host, not pandering, but they are just children, it's not beyond the pail to serve a bit of bread and butter, is it, if that's all they want to eat (not like creating a whole new meal)? I wonder if some of the attitudes of those of you who are totally dismissive of the fussy eaters is picked up on by the children in question - must make them feel uncomfortable/reluctant to come again. Not excusing the parents here, it is up to them to pre-warn the host parent or instil some "manners" in the child. But it's not always that cut and dried.

BTW, when you host adult meals, do you just assume your guests will/can eat whatever you feel like making, or do you ask? If you ask, why isn't this applicable to children too?

TheNumberTaker · 28/03/2011 18:29

Sorry, that should have said "not just fussy ones, but also ones who are not backwards..etc"

Skinit · 28/03/2011 18:42

NmberTaker....when I host adult meals I serve food I hope most people will like....most adults wouldn't then say "I dont like Beef....can I have a cheese sandwich?"

It's rude! My children have been taught the same....to thank the host for what is given and if they don't like it to try to eat at least some of it.

Yes...a sensitive host may ask the child if it is ok..do tey like the food...some won't...that's life. We can't pander to all childrens whims! To be invited to eat with someone in their home is a treat....a nice thing for them to do....certainly not ok to ask for alternatives.

Skinit · 28/03/2011 18:44

Also...my DD2 is a bit fussy, I won''t however be "sad" if someone judges her for it....but most likely they won't as I have taught her to say thank you and try new foods.

And she loves going to friends for meals....she knows beter than to say "I don't like this" as she sometimes does at home!

ButWhyNot · 28/03/2011 18:55

I dread having other children around for tea for this very reason.

I explain to mine - over and over again - that at our house, they are expected to eat what DH or I make for them. I tell that sometimes I make something different for their (annoying, fussy) friends, but that MY children must still eat the regular meal. If mine don't eat the regular meal - no pudding. If they whine about eating the regular meal - no pudding.

The important thing is to drill this rule into them at a time when no friends or their parents are around. That way you don't have to have an embarrassing discussion in front of the parents of fussy eaters.

It works wonders as long as I remember to have some biscuits or something on hand when friends come over as threat/bribery!

TheNumberTaker · 28/03/2011 19:03

As have I with my DD, as articulated in my earlier posts. She never would ask for anything else, she just wouldn't eat. However, the mere fact that she won't/can't eat something, no matter how polite she is about it, may be enough to set off the vapours in intolerant parents and that will be the end of the invites. A fact I'm trying to get her to understand, but not one I want her picking up from other parents and not understanding - a little child can translate annoyance as something more like anger or dislike, esp if the invites dry up.

Adults are adults. They can say in advance of a meal, "I don't like, I'm allergic to, I'm pregnant therefore cant eat etc etc". Or have the imagination to eat the bits they like, if they haven't forewarned. Smaller children are somewhat hostage to the actions of both their parents and the host parents and might not be able to articulate - esp to an adult they may not know that well - their issue with whatever's dished up, whether they'd eat what's in front of them but would prefer something else, or whether they have an issue (eg, those beans touched that chicken, I can't possibly eat that now).

As I said above, it's up to the fussy child's parents, ultimately, to deal with this, not foist surprises and burdens onto other parents. However, just as I'd try to cater for another child's disabilities/bad behaviour and try to be tolerant, I'd like the same in return for my daughter.