to be slightly irritated at my friend's fussy eating DS?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I had two friends for lunch yesterday, they have three DS between them and I also have two DC. I was trying to think of something easy to make to eat that most people would like so got in various pizzas, and all the usual trimmings, garlic bread, salad, coleslaw etc. As I'm putting it in the oven, friend A says her DS (age 9) doesn't like pizza but does like garlic bread, could he have a sandwich. No prob, I say and make him a cheese sandwich. Then friend B says her DS (also 9) doesn't like pizza or garlic bread or cheese sandwiches. Ok I say, eventually he agrees to eat a jam sandwich. Then I have to put up with my own DC who usually like pizza, etc asking why can't they just have jam sandwiches and then pudding.

My own DD is a fussy eater but in this scenario I would ask for her to have a small portion and tell her to make a token effort. I was a bit irritated by my friends pandering to her strapping nine year old DS (hope I didn't show it!). AIBU?

piratecat ah yes, the ketchup trick! I used to eat lots of it, especially to help with eating veg!

From my personal experience your DD should get better. I certainly did, especially once I realised that I didn't have to love something in order to eat it, which was previously how I operated.

cantspel I didn't eat ice cream either. Or sweets. Which does seem acceptable, but when people found out I didn't eat pizza or burgers either I suddenly was labelled "fussy". Despite the fact that I would happily eat roast + veg, fish pie, stew, casseroles etc.

I do sympathise - but as the parent of a couple of very fussy children and one only slightly fussy and we are all vegetarian - I see both sides. To be honest I do not fuss about one meal too much, if the kids go a bit hungry due to not being offered anything they like then they will make up for it at home. So I probably wouldn't request extra food be prepared for any of them.

I insist on new/less favoured foods being tried when at home and put up with the sulky behaviour and extra time sat at the table impatiently waiting for one bit of broccoli or whatever to be consumed - but I would not inflict this on others. Though pizza is one thing my ds will eat as long as there are no vegetables But if we are going to someones house to eat I give them fair warning about what ds will/won't eat as I hate people to waste their time and I also tell them I won't stress if my pfb eats little. Life is too short to fuss over these things - if only ds could relax ...

ketchup has been our saviour too :o

Our 'fussy' son will happily eat bolognese, stew, and all sorts of good dinners. But he totally freaks out when it's something new, or even cooked in a way he isn't used to. It's getting better now he's getting older but I don't know that he'll ever love eating in the way that the rest of his family do.

I think he may have some oral defensiveness issues as he will violently gag and retch if anything goes into his mouth that he either doesn't want/wasn't expecting.

My ds behaviour round meals is bordering on compulsive as he will not abide different foods touching each other on his plate and he eats things one after another no combining foods on his fork - he can't abide tomato sauce from a bottle but likes homemade pasta sauce I just wait for the day when I can hand over all responsibility for his eating to him. I am making sure he can cook in the hope that this day could be sooner.

"Our 'fussy' son will happily eat bolognese, stew, and all sorts of good dinners. But he totally freaks out when it's something new, or even cooked in a way he isn't used to. It's getting better now he's getting older but I don't know that he'll ever love eating in the way that the rest of his family do."

This was me! I used to drive my mum mad by telling her that her bolognaise sauce tasted different, which she denied and denied until eventually admitted she changed one (very small) ingredient, which she couldn't tell had made a difference. I think I just have very sensitive tastebuds.

I have definately got better (if that reassures anyone!) but I agree I don't love food like some people do. Apart from a few of my mum's superb home-made meals/home-made cakes there are few things that I adore.

piratecat - I feel your pain.

dd had a phobia of cardboard until a couple of years ago

And she doesn't like ketchup....

if they dont like what you have prepared, sod them, let them go hungry

they wont die from missing one lunch

I was a 'fussy' eater (SN though). I would always try food, I just didn't like most foods/textures. My Dad (war baby) was of the 'she'll eat something if we starve her' mentality. It didn't work, I just went hungry. I'd happily go days without food so they pretty quickly 'pandered' to me. I eat quite a lot of things now, it just took me a long time to get used to food. The thing is I just can't help it - some foods make me want to vomit, just the thought of them, never mind having them in my mouth. I just can't stomach cheese sandwiches, can eat cheese, can eat bread but not together, especially not with pickle or tomato. I can't stomach cream either. Foods like those I can't even physically swallow - my throat just sends them back up again when I try.

My best friend at primary school was also a 'fussy eater'.. she virtually only ate a handful of different foods. Her poor parents went through hell, even though her brother was fine, the school accused them of 'pandering' to her, as did family friends, colleagues, relatives etc. Everyone said she should be force fed.

Of course when she collapsed and spent months in hopsital because someone forced her to eat something she didn't want to people shut up. Turns out she had undiagnosed Coeliac disease and IBS and no-one had picked up on it for 14 years.

Sometimes people just can't help it.

Sigh....fussy eaters again.......

As you can tell I have a fussy eater but apart from that seriously, he is not a PITA. It is not my fault either - when he was a baby I did it all by the book, made my own stuff no tins or jars, he was fab till he turned about 18 months and then it all went tits up!

DS would have had the garlic bread but he doesnt like pizza.........when he goes round someones for tea I tell him to eat it, not be rude about it and to be gracious. I dont expect or ask the host to pander to him but his friends mums all know him well enough now and so usually all is ok.

Please....unless you have a kid who is a fussy eater, dont say they are all pains, etc etc, it is no fun for us parents and we just do the best we can.

If my DS has a meal in front of him he doesnt want to eat and its the only one he is gonna get he still would not eat it.....all this they'll eat when they are hungry is rubbish.........

bigmouth my DS used to be funny about certain foods touching other stuff, he hated baked beans touching anything and used to ask for them on a seperate plate....luckily he has grown out of that phase now and thank god seems to have grown out of gagging at everything.....there is hope, I am sure of that, lol xx

Those saying fussy eaters are 'made', and kids should be 'made to try a bit' should try having a genuine child with food issues. Out of my 4, my eldest is virtually phobic of food, the other 3 are very good eaters. Ds1 would have a full scale panic attack, leading to vomiting if faced with a food he did not like. He would rather starve than eat something he didn't like - and as a little boy would get to the point where he was being sick through his stomach contracting through hunger.

He does now eat pizza (he's 9), but only cheese and tomato. Pizza is actually a really really complicated food for kids - it's bread AND cheese AND tomato, all in one go - one thing ds1 really hated was foods 'mixed up' - and pizza is intrinsically 'mixed'. He never liked foods touching each other.

Don't judge - yes some children are fussy because their parents pander, for some it's much more of a sensory issue, and not something anyone has caused.

I don't like tomato and neither does ds1 so yabu. Neither of us would eat pizza. The taste of tomato makes me gag. YABU. Find out what others like before making the food. I also don't like mayo so wouldn't eat the coleslaw.

Lily last time DS had mashed potato served to him he physically vomited. It is very distressing and although this was some years ago now he (and I) have never forgotten it!!

I usually ignore fussy eaters and say "this is what we're eating tonight". Most seem to be responding to their parents saying "oh he doesn't like...". Because if you don't make a fuss and they see other children eating they just seem to get on with it.

To be honest a jam sandwich is healthier than a pizza really- maybe the kids like healthy tastes rather than pizza/garlic bread that is very fatty tasting?

Both myself and my sibling were fussy eaters. We're both normal now. My mum just kept putting new things on the plates. You cant force feed children, that's awful. I used to HATE and i mean HATE my father for shouting at me constantly for not eating something that he thought i should. Bloody controlling monster.

My ds wouldn't eat pizza, garlic bread or any of the offerings to be honest. I would actually probably take him a packed lunch, rather than put the host out and be honest and say he is fussy. I have brought my two children up the same, I have one that eats anything and eats me out of house and home and the other is like a sparrow.

If it were me i would have probably asked the parents if there is anything their dc don't like and ask for a possible favourate. Best to ask in advance tbh.

desperateforthinnerthighs

18 months with my dd too. i chide her now with the 'your fave meal when you were just over a year was peas and tuna'

then it seemed to go wrong. We had a bad reaction to egg, and she had to go to hospital for an egg challenge at about 18 months and i think that didn't help.

Perhaps subconciously i didn't try harder from then on too.

She loves fish tho, which i don't so thats a saver

pirate my sisters kid would only eat chicken and boiled rice and there was me so smug as my little treasure ate everything.........and i was such a good mummy for cooking it all fresh for him.........then I got bit on my smug arse, lol......both her kids eat anything and everything now, and she cant understand how fussy my DS is.

Fish - well, he will eat that if it has bread crumbs on!

I agree with the idea best to ask about likes and dislikes first, food can be such an emotive issue. One of my DSs friends once didnt eat anything at our bbq because I had used marinades on the chicken and sausages, bit annoying but no skin off my nose at the end of the day.

What does seem to be in dispute is the meaning of the word fussy - how can you label a child this.....just because they dont like pizza! Are we all meant to like every single food around? Because as an adult I certainly dont, for example I dont like pizza, tomatoes etc. Everyone has likes and dislikes.

YANBU to not offer other food, but YABU to assume what you offered suits everyone.

This is all very interesting. I have a fussy eater too. I too had an Annabel Karmel fed organic wunderkind until the age of 18 months. Then the fussiness kicked in and just got worse and worse, with constipation to add to the problem. I admit that mealtimes became an absolute nightmare, we'd both end up in tears, with puking and gagging. She has an egg intolerance, which doesn't help. She would quite happily eat nothing too.

Also interested in the noise/non food related texture aversions, mine has similar issues. Is there a connection anyone is aware of?

The jam sandwich is healthier remark made me smile. My paediatrician said a similar thing when I listed the limited range of foods DD would eat to him. Wholemeal bread, a scraping of organic butter and sugar free jam has got to be better than forcing junk into your child in the hope they eat something (and believe me, I tried that too).

The weird thing about DD is that she is fascinated by food, loves to help in the kitchen with food prep, loves to talk about what the rest of us are eating. Just will not try it herself, although at every family meal she is offered and encouraged to try whatever we are having (both DH and I are fanatical cooks, so there's usually a large variety of foods on offer).

My friends are aware of her fussiness, but I don't expect them to pander to it particularly. If she goes to tea at a friend's, I warn the parents to give her what the others are having, but not to take is as rudeness if she won't eat it. I do not expect them to give her separate meals, I'd send her with a packed meal if I thought there was going to be a big issue (ie, a long gap until she could eat again). Sometimes she completely surprises me, and the sight of her peers eating something prompts her to try it. She had some chips and chicken at a friend's house the other day, foods she normally wouldn't touch (she's a vegetarian by her own choice!) I am ever hopeful that peer pressure will help her overcome the fussiness, which is why I'd never expect or want friends to cater for her separately. I want her to know her fussiness is making her miss out on an important and pleasant aspect of life, sharing a meal with others.

DS is being BLW and will eat anything. I have high hopes (fingers and everything else crossed!)

My mother would have taken me aside and told me to eat something offered, even just a little bit and that it would be incredibly rude if I did not. She would have been telling me to be polite rather than putting her freind to extra trouble.

It was pizza FFS it wasn't liver or tripe.

For some children it's just not that simple. If only it was.

exactly.

'ffs it wasn't liver or tripe' - well that's irrelevant. When you don't like something, you don't like it. I can't abide mashed fucking potato, but DP adores it. Another man's poison and all that.

I wouldn't expect a different meal for DS, but I would expect less judgement from someone I consider a friend and loving parent.

Ultimately I want him to love and enjoy eating, which won't happen if we starve and/or forcefeed.