to be slightly irritated at my friend's fussy eating DS?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I had two friends for lunch yesterday, they have three DS between them and I also have two DC. I was trying to think of something easy to make to eat that most people would like so got in various pizzas, and all the usual trimmings, garlic bread, salad, coleslaw etc. As I'm putting it in the oven, friend A says her DS (age 9) doesn't like pizza but does like garlic bread, could he have a sandwich. No prob, I say and make him a cheese sandwich. Then friend B says her DS (also 9) doesn't like pizza or garlic bread or cheese sandwiches. Ok I say, eventually he agrees to eat a jam sandwich. Then I have to put up with my own DC who usually like pizza, etc asking why can't they just have jam sandwiches and then pudding.

My own DD is a fussy eater but in this scenario I would ask for her to have a small portion and tell her to make a token effort. I was a bit irritated by my friends pandering to her strapping nine year old DS (hope I didn't show it!). AIBU?

I always give 'fussy' children whatever they want. I have seen the total heartbreak it causes parents when their child has food issues as Numbertaker has hinted at.

My closest friend in RL is very close to me and my family because she knew that her Ds would always be happy and accepted here, his food provided just as he wanted/could deal with, so no embarrassment for him or her.

He is 17 now and has got over most of it - but it took years and years. In the meantime he could come to our house and socialise without any worries.

It wasn't a lot to ask really, and I know it meant a lot to him and her.

Fine. Your child. Your problem. I have fostered over 100 children. All fussy eaters on placement. All will eat MOST - not all - foods by the time they leave.

Most come only eating chicken dippers. You would be amazed at how many children in care cannot chew meat - because they have never been given meat. And before anyone jumps chicken dippers are not meat. I am talking about lamb, beef, roast chicken. They simply do not have the chewing action. This comes with practice. And vegetables were clearly not offered, other than chips or frozen processed muck!

Can I use your thread for a moan op?

I have just taken two fussy kids to MacDs, at their request, and had to buy their burgers three separate times. First time, burger came as it came. They then tell me they hate pickle. Second burger came, they wont eat that, don't like onion. Third burger, ate a quarter and decided they wanted ice cream.

Came back to my house, they ate all the sweets and crisps i had. Their mum collected them at seven and the very first words were, 'I'm hungry'.

Should I have told their mother? I was afraid to in case my annoyance was too obvious.

Oh, fgs, read the comments, yes, my child would simply not eat if it wasn't something she wanted as would other people's. I'm really not into child abuse, so starving her (which I'd have to do over an extended period) is just not an option for me.

I'd also make note of the fact that children may do all sorts of things for teachers, peers, non parents that they will not do for their own parents. With their parents they are constantly trying to push the boundaries of tolerance. They may not do this with non parents, hence better eating outside of their comfort zone.

And again, it's a totally different kettle of fish dealing with children who've never tried something and therefore won't eat it from children who simply do not like certain foods. Like I said before, in my case, my DD is involved in the prep of many meals and is always offered some. tonight she's been offered homemade paella. I'm not exactly depriving her of any eating experience, but I'm long past trying to force feed her.

fishtank no one is saying that there aren't children out there who are pandered to when it comes to eating. All people are saying is not every child who is fussy is like it because of something their parents are doing.

My dd is fussy and would live on pasta if i let her. I don't make a fuss at meal time - i cook the dinner and that is what the family will be eating that night. My ds eats all of his and usually has more and my dd won't always eat her dinner. If she is making a fuss - the dinner is put on the side if she wants it (she never wants it) and she goes to bed hungry. I don't make anything different for her. She hasn't changed yet

and what HumphreyCobbler said, and I heart you ChristineCagney, you have it in a nutshell. My v competetive friend used to invite ds to play and at pickup we always had 'well F ate everything but I'm afraid M only had xyz'. We stopped going to play a long time ago. Another lovely friend makes no fuss at all and we feel loved and accepted. Easy really.

The thing is, I love most foods, actually all food, apart from liver. But, I very often don't like it at friends house's just because they may cook it a different way, or, god forbid, put margerine in instead of butter. So, if things like that affect me, stands to reason kids may love something at home but refuse it at a friends house.

The key is not to take it personally and realise they won't starve on one shift at your house.

Easier said than done, I know

Your experience is with children who may have been badly parented fishtank - that doesn't mean all fussy eaters have been badly parented.

I'm sure you can understand or at least try be a tad sympathetic towards those of us whose children, despite our very best efforts will only eat beige food (for example).

Fishtank I agree with everything you have said. Children will refuse food simply because their parents will offer something else. If there is nothing else children learn to eat what they are given or be hungry.

When my dd has friends over for tea they are only invited again if they dont turn their noses up at EVERYTHING I have offered them. One child in particular who lives next door only eats chicken nuggets and those smily potato things. She is the most ill tempered sickly looking child on this earth. I cannot believe how her mother feeds the rest of the family healthy (ish) foods yet prepare this processed crap for her every day! I would prefer to put up with the tantrums for a few days and make sure my dd was eating healthy.

After all they dont get a choice when having school dinner do they?

Ah, ChristineCagney, I heart you too (but you'd be bound to be a good 'un with that name, Cagney & Lacey is my favourite programme ever). Most of my DD's eating experiences at others' houses have been with similar minded friends. Ultimately, they love having her because she is generally delightful company and sits politely at the table even if she doesn't eat. I'm proud of her regardless of her eating habits because she is wonderful.

I was the ultimate fussy eater as a child.

tomato ketchup on dry white crustless bread for two years - and vitamin tablets. That's what kept me alive between the ages of 4 and 6.

My parents tried everything.

they tried no pressure, lots of pressure, no choice, lots of choice, bribery (as IF I wanted chocolate??? YUK!)

I grew out of it. Most do.

I would have been in the "fussy eaters are a PITA" camp except that I know from my DSis kids that not all fussy eaters are made, some just are like that. She has three DCs, now teenagers, two will eat anything put in front of them and the other has real issues. Like others have said he would rather go hungry then attempt to eat anything on his "hate" list.

However, if you know that your child has issues like this I think it is only fair to warn someone before you go to their house for a meal then let them make stuff that will be wasted.

they do not indeed get a choice with school dinners, and as a result I went lunchless until my mother realised - and she only realised because I had cottoned on that children who say "sandwiches" weren't taken to the lunch hall, they were allowed to mooch around the classroom 'eating their lunch'. The teacher had a word, saying that I seemed to not have a lunch 'that day'

So I was packed a tomato ketchup sandwich, on dry crustless white bread.

Yes sagger most of the kids I have cared for have been severely neglected. Yet they are still able to learn new tastes. I have also been a teacher and the children will eat most of the foods put in front of them at dinner time, despite their mothers protests, "S/he wont eat that". Ummm yes s/he will. S/he just has.

Dorie thank you. I would prefer steak to a beefburger too. Unfortunately we have to eat beefburgers sometimes because there is no steak in the fridge.

If I had been in your position I wouldn't have gone and made anyhing else. If they didn't want anything from a wide selection of foods I'd prepared especially for them then as far as I'm concerned they can go hungry until they go home.

If I was one of the other parents (my DS used to not like pizza and it was a PITA) I would have told them to try to eat what was there. I would never have asked the host to make something else.

I don't know how some of you would get through the day with my children, who are bloody willful to say the least. I have one who stopped eating fruit and veg at the age of 18 months and I have to sneak 5 a day into her by all sorts of deceptive means because she simply will not eat it willingly. What would people suggest forcing her mouth open.
Then there's the cherub who is a tiny dot and will only eat fairy sized dinners, it's a chicken and egg situation, is she small because she'll only eat tiny portions or can she only eat tiny portions because she's small.
Thank goodness one is normal otherwise DH and I would probably go off our dials.

Yes, I'm sure fussy eaters are a frustration, but I would always ask parents before they came. Also, fussy eating isn't infectious in our house, ie my two don't stop eating just because someone else isn't. A case in point us that my dc eat family food and don't suddenly demand nuggets because their incredibly fussy cousins are around. I think they sonetimes feel a bit sorry for them that they're not having rhe lovely roast or whatever. Giving someone a sandwich instead of other food is just good hosting surely? Fussy eating may or may not be avoidable, who knows, but once it's ingrained it isn't cured by one other person not providing an alternative.

Surely it's not the fussy eating as such, but the attitude of the adults towards it?

Mu exbf was fussy, very fussy, but it didn't bother me much as we had a LDR and when he was here, it was easy to cook meals he liked for a few days.

It really showed when we went to stay with him though......
First off, he pulled a face at going to Yo Sushi, then to an independent cafe, so I said, 'lets go for a Maccas'. DD got excited at that, bit no, we couldn't go there as he hates the food, so we went to Burger King, which he loves
He wouldn't think to come to Yo Sushi and eat something else later, nor will he listen that it's not all raw fish, or all fish for that matter.
He just won't go there.

He's a good guy, just fussy and has been told all his life that he need only eat food he loves.

I blame his mother.

Do children really not get a choice of school dinners? I did when I was a child,we had several choices in fact.

What nonsense people are spouting about children not being willing to starve themselves,some children literally will starve themselves rather than eat a particuarly food.

Do people really think that parents of extremely fussy eaters haven't heard it and tried it all before?

It never fails to amaze me that so many people seem to think that they know more about other posters's children,than the parents of the child do,and that they're convinced that they have all the answers.

There are plenty of parents out there with one fussy eater,and one child who'll eat just about everything that's put in front of them. So do they get credit for the child who'll eat everything,or should they blamed for having a fussy eater? It's not always a result of bad parenting.

I do not agree. A child will not starve rather than eat something other than his fave food. How many children have you heard of starving to death because his mother would not provide his fave food on demand??

I think there's a big difference being a bit picky and really not being able to eat something.

I agree that adults should have the good manners not to be actively rude about food at a dinner party. I would make myself eat, for example, peas (which I hate) at a dinner party, but I could not however eat fat on meat for all the manners in the world. I would just NOT be able to eat it, and would probably just gag! My Mum didn't pander to me in the slightest (chance would be a fine thing) and I just didn't eat anything as a child if I didn't like what was served. Didn't make the slightest bit of difference to my eating habits (although I am now far less picky than I used to be).

As it happens my DCs are fairly good with food, although do dislike some obviously 'child friendly foods' IYSWIM (DS dislikes chips and DD doesn't like icecream). I usually try to ask their friends mothers what they are likely to eat, and try to cater accordingly, however when faced with extreme pickiness I just offer a very plain, boring option (some bread/toast and fruit) just to weed out the cheeky from the genuinely food phobic!

In primary school they do not get a choice of school dinner. They eat what they are given or they go hungry. Its a no brainer really. If they are hungry they will eat. If they are not that hungry they will wait until they go home and mummy will give them exactly what they want.

My own son went through a phase of only eating chef sausage and beans. When chef discontinued this crap in a can he did not starve!

Ask a parent of a child with sensory issues if their child will eat peas for example, in exchange for a reward or if they're not allowed anything else until they've eaten the hated item.

My friend tried this with her 7 year old ds,he went almost three full days without eating, before she gave up and gave him his usual food, and I can't blame her. And of course a child won't literally starve to death because what parent would be stupid or cruel enough to allow their child to go more than a day or two without food,just to prove a point?

Missmy is right.We're not talking your average fussy child here,but a child with a very real and intense hatred or fear of particular foods. They're two very different animals.

We will just have to face facts ladies. Some children are far too precious to be provided with anything other than what they demand.