to be slightly irritated at my friend's fussy eating DS?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I had two friends for lunch yesterday, they have three DS between them and I also have two DC. I was trying to think of something easy to make to eat that most people would like so got in various pizzas, and all the usual trimmings, garlic bread, salad, coleslaw etc. As I'm putting it in the oven, friend A says her DS (age 9) doesn't like pizza but does like garlic bread, could he have a sandwich. No prob, I say and make him a cheese sandwich. Then friend B says her DS (also 9) doesn't like pizza or garlic bread or cheese sandwiches. Ok I say, eventually he agrees to eat a jam sandwich. Then I have to put up with my own DC who usually like pizza, etc asking why can't they just have jam sandwiches and then pudding.

My own DD is a fussy eater but in this scenario I would ask for her to have a small portion and tell her to make a token effort. I was a bit irritated by my friends pandering to her strapping nine year old DS (hope I didn't show it!). AIBU?

Lily, I constantly think my DS is a PITA, and also the kids I work with as a TA. However, I also care about them and try not to let it show. They ARE a PITA sometimes, and so are fussy eaters. That doesn't prevent me trying my best to be patient and understanding. But being understanding and patient doesn't mean pandering to their whims, either.

hissy, can I just reiterate once and for all, I absolutely don't pander to whims. I cope with physical problems and attempt to maintain health whilst not creating emotional problems.

Way back in the early 60s my mum and dad had me and my brother, my dad's sister and her husband had three children and my mum's sister and her husband adopted a child (so no genetic link). All three women cooked much the same food and brought their children up in much the same way. Result:

1. My brother and I ate anything put in front of us.
2. In the family of three, two were like us and one was a very fussy eater.
3. The other cousin was a very fussy eater.

Fast forward to current generation:

1. I have a son who has been a fussy eater but now (at 17) is a lot better. My daughter (18), brought up exactly the same way, will eat pretty much anything and always has. (Worth mentioning that my husband was, by all accounts, pretty fussy as a child too.)
2. My brother's children are far less omnivorous than he was.
3. As far as I know, none of our cousins' children are as fussy as my two cousins were when I was growing up.

Now, the plural of anecdote is not data, but all that suggests to me is that it isn't the way they're brought up that makes a child fussy, certainly not exclusively. A lot of it is luck. Take comfort, those of you with young fussy eaters now, it usually does get better as they get older. My son ate my lasagne the other evening and had a second helping. First time ever!

Lily, three green beans is fantastic progress! (My sister was an extreme 'fussy eater' as a child and now I'm an adult I can see what hell my poor mother went through. Wasn't perfect myself but barely noticeable in comparison to my sister.)

Just to throw into the pot- I remember reading in child of our time book that some people are strong tasters and sone not, by genetics. These are less likely to like certain tastes, because they are going to taste more strongly of whatever it is. So there is a genetic basis to some fussy eating. Make them a sandwich and give them happy memories of playing at your house rather than being the mum who makes them try stuff. Takes 30 secs to make sandwich and won't infect your children with fussy eating.

Lookandlearn - yy, absolutely, I am CONVINCED this is what ds1 is - because his tastes are so very plain, and often it is the smell he hates - so if dd is eating porridge or banana, he cannot be in the same room without gagging.

Why do people tend to think that the things their child does well are all down to good parenting but the things they aren't so good at are the fault of the child?
My DD is a fussy eater and wasn't a good sleeper as a baby but OTOH she has never, ever in her life showed any aggression to another child. We didn't have a great problem with tantrums, reins were never required as she didn't run off, she could speak full sentences before she was 2, she was easily toilet trained before 2.5.
I see all these things the good and the bad as a part of her personality and not much down to me at all. She is a quiet, cautious person which makes her reluctant to try new foods but also unlikely to thump another kid.
I get pretty hacked off when my friend implies that her DDs good eating is down to parenting and I have up to now restrained myself from pointing out that these same great parenting skills don't seem to extend to preventing her DD from biting and hitting other children.
Why can't people see that you get the children you get and unless there is no area at all in which your child isn't the very best at everything you might have to admit that the good eating was just your good luck. Judge not lest you be judged! A little bit of sympathy for other people's struggles might not go amiss because you never know when you might need some yourself.

Great post mamadoc.

Yes absolutely mamadoc, I so agree. If you want to take the credit you also have to take the blame. And even if sone things are down to parental influence, it isn't as simple as saying "well do something about it". Parenting isn't all about conscious calculated decisions. My son has just cone through a difficult patch with hitting. Possibly that's down to parenting, but certainly not consciously. It could have come because I was in early pregnancy and feeling dreadful and therefore not attentive enough. Or not. But even if I knew that, what am I supposed to do about it? Less credit and blame taking would help not just parents but society I think. Not to stop listening to advice or trying to do best for our children, but just an acceptance that it's not all as directly cause and effect as some suggest and so giving ourselves a break.

Well, i take full responsiblilty for the fact that I trust my 10 year old absolutely to, as I said before, have a try at any food he's offered at a friend's house, then mutter politely about not being very hungry, then fill up on toast when he gets home.

I can't force him to eat anything he doesn;t want to eat, but I can and do insist on good manners.

YANBU - have a very fussy DS myself but at the age of 9 (which he is) it's not going to hurt him if he doesn't eat much for one meal and actually eating at other people's houses is the one thing that does get him trying different things etc

I think credit and blame is a weird concept - because I don't regard the children as 'finished' products. I can't imagine 'taking the credit' for the children's good or bad behaviour - quite often people say to us that they are a 'credit to us' (largely because they are very well behaved in situations like church), but I don't see it like that really, they are their own people, and we try and help them at all times to behave well, politely, and to be healthy etc etc. Some things need more work, some things not so much.

So if there's an area they need to improve, I don't 'blame' myself - nor do I 'praise' myself when they are good. Dh always felt very bad when his mum said "I don't know where I went wrong with my children" (usually related to something minor like them enjoying beer!!!) - but it made him feel like a failure.

Haven't read the whole thread but having gone through hell with an extreme fussy eater for four years, when the whole world blamed me for 'pandering' to him I feel very strongly that people can be utterly vile to those who are having real problems with food.

Being able to feed your child, see them enjoy a meal and have relaxed mealtimes is something we dreamt of when feeding quavers, toffee yoghurt and chicken nuggets as that was all he would eat. (On the psychologist's advice once mealtimes became so impossible and he didn't eat for 5 days).

Noone has the right to accuse you or your child of being a PITA until they have lived it. And actually those that do critise are the real PITA.

I sympathise I often have children round to lunch. I am frequently surprised at what can produce a wobbly. One friend has a 5 & 4 yo who eat really welll at home but at my house my home made soup which I had blended was rejected as there were no recognisable vegetables, unlike their mothers version and the olive bread bought as a treat because both kids love olives, was only very reluctantly tasted.

Another friend has a 9yo. She is known to be fussy and there are good reasons for this- ex prem, long term NG feed as baby etc. However she rather annoyingly changes her food preferences from visit to visit - so I'll meet them for food in a pizza place one month, have them round for dinner the next and make pizza (inwardly thinking - yay, I've cracked it) only to find that in the intervening 4 weeks pizza has become the food of the devil.

I just try to be accommodating. They can have variations within reason (but my cupboards often don't hold much in the way of options). I also have a degree of sympathy as I was branded a fussy child but my family ate a very 'meat & 2 veg' diet. As an adult I never eat like that - I eat a wide and varied diet but still struggle TBH with the food I'm served at my parental home - it doesn't help that my Mum doesn't cook very well.

Conversely my Dad in particular doesn't like eating here as he doesn't like the food I serve - thai curry, pan fried salmon with soy/ ginger noodles or lasagna with salad are not his idea of a meal. I only make one dish he really likes and that is a sausage casserole. Difficult to serve that every night for a 4 day visit ;-)

amen to mamadoc

From my own experience, though, I do think a fair amount of it is fussiness on the part of the child. I was very picky as a teenager, and only ate cucumber sandwiches for lunch for the whole of my time at secondary school. Wouldn't touch anything else (If there was no cucumber, I would just eat plain bread.)

Then I went to study Russian at University, spent my year abroad living in Russia, and suddenly had to eat whatever there was to eat or go without.

leonie - my dd is a supertaster too - combined with her other issues and spectacular gag reflex it's no wonder she struggled. At 17 she still only drinks milk and water; no fizz, not even fizzy water, no fruit whatsoever. At least she's a cheap date in the pub.

I have a fantastic DD, eats plenty. However, she can tell the difference between me making chicken nuggets from scratch and frozen bought ones for example. She won't touch processed food stuff... she can even tell the difference in quality chips (made fresh from potatoes opposed to frozen) and processed cheese. It can be a PITA. But if I'm having kids over for lunch, I always check first what they will/can eat. That eliminates the irritating factor.

GotArt - that sounds familiar. Having a good cook for a mother has its downsides. I remember going round to friends' houses for tea and happily believing whatever the mother said we'd have to eat would be fine, only it was different from the way my mother cooked it. Awful to be taken by surprise like that if you are the kind of child who is really sensitive to taste and texture. Made school dinners a ruddy nightmare, too. (Fortunately my food issues were minor compared to some on this thread, so I could manage to be polite and eat what was served up, but sometimes it really was a huge effort.)

Fussiness with food is a evolutionary survival mechanism. That is why a baby can be totally ok with weaning and then suddenly become funny about food around one year old. That is because it coincides with the age they become much more mobile and might pick the wrong berries to eat.

My dd was very fussy about food as a baby. Now she is much more improved at 7 and can even eat 2nds or 3rds of 'normal' food. We have never made food an issue and just let her eat what she wants even if it is plain rice or bread or cereal! They can grow out of it. It is nature's way.

It took me to adulthood to eat as I do which is everything. But I was fussy as a child.

saggar, ds1 won't touch anything fizzy either - he drinks water, milk, orange juice (no bits), apple juice at a push, and fruit smoothies (which is my absolute life-saver).

Something I've learned to do is because his diet is so limited, to try and make every mouthful as nutritious as is humanly possible. He is skinny, but is I hope healthy.

(I was watching that Supersize vs Superskinny kids programme, and ds1 is thinner than the boy in episode 3 - he weighs about 2 lbs more than that boy did at the start, but is nearly a year older :( , so he really can't afford to drop any weight. )

All of this suggests to me that the best thing to do with all this is to step back from a judgemental position and be prepared to ask guests what they can/will eat or just make a sandwich/plain pasta if needed. I just can't believe the vitriol towards a very common phenomenon which can creep up on people. It's not as if anyone sits there and says "you know what , today I'll begin work on creating a fussy eater".