to be slightly irritated at my friend's fussy eating DS?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I had two friends for lunch yesterday, they have three DS between them and I also have two DC. I was trying to think of something easy to make to eat that most people would like so got in various pizzas, and all the usual trimmings, garlic bread, salad, coleslaw etc. As I'm putting it in the oven, friend A says her DS (age 9) doesn't like pizza but does like garlic bread, could he have a sandwich. No prob, I say and make him a cheese sandwich. Then friend B says her DS (also 9) doesn't like pizza or garlic bread or cheese sandwiches. Ok I say, eventually he agrees to eat a jam sandwich. Then I have to put up with my own DC who usually like pizza, etc asking why can't they just have jam sandwiches and then pudding.

My own DD is a fussy eater but in this scenario I would ask for her to have a small portion and tell her to make a token effort. I was a bit irritated by my friends pandering to her strapping nine year old DS (hope I didn't show it!). AIBU?

Yes it is about manners, but is it really worth the hassle? Giving him a sandwich solved the problem and everyone had a great time (I hope :))

I don't get the argument about attaching emotional feelings over pudding. Everyone knows putting is a treat and not a necessity to a persons diet whether a child or an adult. A pudding is something that is nice to have but you could do without.

So if saying to a child they won't get pudding, which is a treat, if they don't eat their dinner then i see no problem with that.

Alot of foods i agree shouldn't have an emotional attachment to but pudding i think one can get away with

to be fair, I did say that my posts were more in response to the people saying fussy eaters were a PITA.

My first post was just to point out that to some children, pizza is a very complex food, being an intrinsic mixture of things. And as the mum of a 9yo ds, the OP did strike a chord, as I know people think that ds1 is pandered to - because they don't have the everyday experience.

I just don't agree with using food in that way. I think it is much more straightforward to think of it nutritionally, not as a reward system. We in this country have a screwy way of looking at food I think.

Purhaps we do yes - but i don't look at chocolate cake as nutritious

One of my children is a fussy eater, the others are not. They are fussy in as much they won't eat 'junk food' - sausages, pizza, chicken nuggets, burgers etc. All through choice not me restricting diet. My dh and I and the other children eat all food.

The fussy one will also only drink water, apple juice or milk.

We never cause a fuss, and dd never causes a fuss. But people get really offended by my dd.

If people ask beforehand what we eat, we of course point out what dd will eat (which is a huge range of food, just not normal quick food and what I class as child menu food). If people don't ask, and we turned up to the OPs house for lunch and that was the food that was offered. Our dd will sit very politely at the table join in the conversation etc but does not eat anything, and will wait until she gets home. This causes problems with people trying to persuade hassle dd, no matter how many times she says she's fine, and we say she's fine.

If something else gets offered to be made (such as a sandwich) yes she will accept. But we/she never asks for anything else.

I support you OP. it is about manners. Lily maybe your problem is you seem to think about food in a very different way to most. We dont have food battles in our house. Eat it or dont. Pretty simple really!

Dorie - you have to remember that some fussy eaters have undiagnosed problems. My best friend was consistently not invited to people's homes because she was 'fussy'. Her parents had all sorts of horrible things said about them, the relatives, family friends and the school told them to force feed her as she would only eat a small handful of food types.

Then she went on a school trip aged 14, someone force fed her and she collapsed and was hospitalised for several months. She ended up missing two years of school due to repetitive sickness and didn't take her GCSEs. Turns out she had undiagnosed coeliac disease, IBS and a host of other problems.

So even though everyone was convinced it was her parents fault it really really wasn't, luckily she instintcively avoided those foods which would make her ill. Good job too, she nearly died.

Sorry, but I cannot stand fussy eaters. Kids OK, I can see why they make a fuss, but it's when the adults won't eat certain foods that I have a problem. I come from a family where if you didn't want the food served you just didn't eat. But DH's family are completely picky, as is one of my elderly relatives, and it annoys me to the max! They think rice is an exotic food. Seriously.

Obviously allergies are a completely different issue, that's not being fussy it's trying not to get ill.

Yup and some children will only eat chicken nuggets because thats what they demand and their parnts give in to them. Nothing more and nothing less. What is it about kids and chicken nuggets?

If I spend all afternoon cooking from scratch for my kids there is no way on this earth would I allow them - or their friends- to demand chicken bloody nuggets! If other kids are in my house they eat what everyone else is eating or go hungry until they go home.

A poster said "Give them a sandwich. It is no big deal. Its only once a week". It maybe once a week for her but I have 5 kids. Never a day goes by when we dont have an extra one - usually two - for tea. Am I supposed to cater for everyones whims??? No way will I prepare 7 different meals at a time. Eat what your given or go hungry!

dorie, I don't have a different attitude at all. But if I took the 'eat it or don't' line, with ds1, he would choose 'don't' and would be seriously ill.

It must be lovely to have such a simple view of things. But unfortunately real life gets in the way sometimes.

I might have a simple view of things but my children do not have emotional issues relating to food. Do yours?

I can't read the whole thread but oh, the memories I have of rising panic if I was in a situation where I was expected to eat food.. I was a food phobic though I grew out of it (finally) at university. It reflected a huge amount of chaos and upset in my alcoholic home, I think.. I controlled via food. I used to absolutely feel ILL at the thought of eating in someone else's house. I have really clear "flashbulb" memories of it.

Those of you who say PITA etc will forget about it all before long. I remember it in my 30's - and I'm one of the lucky ones who got better.

Many fussy eaters have histories of traumatic early feeding and/or emotional issues. It's not necessarily about "pandering" to it.

Incidentally, I came from a home where it was "eat or starve". So I starved for about two years until my mother couldn't hack it any more when I was hospitalised for dehydration. Seriously, some of you have NO clue.

Does it take more than two years to starve? Really???

Like Lily, I have no real issue with the OP - offer a sandwich as a good host would, or don't. It's one meal.

dd has issues with food, there's no doubt. They are deep-rooted and at 17 they're more than likely with her for life now; she's now a officially a fussy adult. The multitude of professionals we've seen don't blame me for this state of affairs so you'll excuse me for not being that bothered what a handful of judgey MNers think. I do think though that when you come across a 'fussy' child it might be a polite to consider why the child is like that and not jump to the automatic conclusion that they're been poorly parented, spoilt or pandered to or immediately brand them a PITA.

garmercy - I'm not sure that anyone (professionally offended or otherwise) argued the point about manners? And as I've I've just suggested good manners are a two way street.

Obviously, dorie, I did consume some foods during that time and also water (cue a whole load of crap about being pandered to). Specifically, I ate white bread and cereal without milk. And nothing else. However, I was dangerously thin and it was anorexic behaviour which reflected the fact I was pretty traumatised by my home life. As I said. Frankly, it's a bit pathetic (and certainly unmannerly) to write something sarcastic and disbelieving about someone mentioning something traumatic about their lives. Then again, perhaps if my parents hadn't been so busy running themselves into debt, screeching at eachother, losing their jobs, drinking too much etc, they would have been able to get my nutritional intake sorted. That, clearly, would have made their parenting much better.

dorie, no, my children don't have emotional issues with food. One of my four children has a physical problem with certain foods. Physical issues are entirely different to emotional issues.

I am actually really proud that my kids have a healthy relationship with food, albeit in hideously difficult circumstances. They understand about healthy eating, and don't regard any food as either 'forbidden' or a 'treat', but rather as part of a healthy balanced diet. Even ds1 eats a balanced (if unvaried) diet.

Working. So you didnt actually starve in two years then? Cue the foster carers on this thread.

Lily so, after arguing the same point over and over on this thread, now your ds eats a healthy balanced diet. Good for you!

I don't think you are listening, Dorie. Working was admitted to hospital she was so ill.

Dorie my dd has never had a chicken nugget in her life, she is a fussy eater. You egnored me earlier so i will say it again; I cook one meal for the family and that is it. If my dd doesn't eat it she goes without. So why do you think your foolprove theory hasn't worked on her then?

nappy Im not sure why you are directing your questions at me? Your dd has not had a chicken nugget in her life? So what?? If you cook a meal for your family and your child wont eat it what has that got to do with me?? You are the parent. You sort it duh!

Edam. But she didnt starve did she? Is her story about a fussy eater or more to do with a dysfunctional family? Which is why I am waiting for the foster carers to comment.

Because dorie u seem to think you have such a fool proof theory and egnore someone when they say your theory doesn't always work.

OK then, so we must polish our halos, and act as martyrs to the whims of all children, and feed them what they demand, just in case they happen to have a food phobia?

What nonsense!

If a child seriously has a food phobia I am sure most adults (if they know about it) will be sympathetic and do their best to accomodate. But this thread isn't about food phobias. It's about fussy eaters; kids who just like to fuss about food.

Best way to deal with it? Ignore. Offer some options, and they can take or leave it, no arguments, no tantrums, no treats and definitely no forcing! Of there is a real issue, it needs to be dealt with by the parents and by a paediatrician/dietrician. A host shouldn't be obliged to pander to all kids just in case one happens to be a real food phobic.