to be slightly irritated at my friend's fussy eating DS?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I had two friends for lunch yesterday, they have three DS between them and I also have two DC. I was trying to think of something easy to make to eat that most people would like so got in various pizzas, and all the usual trimmings, garlic bread, salad, coleslaw etc. As I'm putting it in the oven, friend A says her DS (age 9) doesn't like pizza but does like garlic bread, could he have a sandwich. No prob, I say and make him a cheese sandwich. Then friend B says her DS (also 9) doesn't like pizza or garlic bread or cheese sandwiches. Ok I say, eventually he agrees to eat a jam sandwich. Then I have to put up with my own DC who usually like pizza, etc asking why can't they just have jam sandwiches and then pudding.

My own DD is a fussy eater but in this scenario I would ask for her to have a small portion and tell her to make a token effort. I was a bit irritated by my friends pandering to her strapping nine year old DS (hope I didn't show it!). AIBU?

Nappy, what I do with ds1 now is that whatever we are having, I make sure there is SOMETHING he likes, so for example if I do a roast dinner (which is his idea of hell!), I will do some pasta as well as roast potatoes, and cook some peas, which he likes. But they are on the table for everyone, they are not a 'special' thing for him iyswim. Then he can serve himself, there is new stuff to try, but we are not having a stand off of 'YOU HAVE TO EAT THIS'. I want him to feel that he is enjoying sharing a meal with us, and isn't 'different'. I've done the 'this is what you're having, and you're not getting anything else' and the result is he eats nothing. And then eats worse at the next meal because his stomach is hurting.

And very occasionally he does try something - that was how he started liking pizza - I had made pizza for everyone, plus some salad, bread, cheese (like a buffet), and he just tried a piece, and liked it. That was SUCH a breakthrough for us! But I can guarantee that if I had put it on his plate, he would not have eaten it - because it's all down to when he physically can eat it. He had tried pizza before and it made him sick - there's no logic to when he becomes ready to eat something.

Likewise, last night, he ate a green bean for the first ever time. I won't say he liked it, but he tolerated it, and did manage to swallow it, which really was progress!

My dd doesn't refuse every meal, she doesn't go hungry every night, but there are meals that she ate as a baby but won't eat now just because. I don't want the situation where the whole family misses out because dd won't eat it and I am certainly not doing something different for her. She can have what the family are having or not at all.

If she goes without, she always eats lots of breakfast the next morning. I figure she will grow out it and I think if I start giving her something different to the family meal or start giving her toast instead she will never grow out of it.

Lily your ds sounds alot worse then my dd and it sounds like you have it tough. My dd is very strong willed and I think that is the root of the problem for me.

DS is a fussy eater. It is annoying and a constant battle. Sometimes he eats things but refuses them if presented in a different way. Cheese works on pizza, but otherwise will be refused. Vegetables and meat are the big fight areas.
tbh, if he went to a friend's house, I would not expect him to get special food. He either eats what's there or goes hungry. That is what I would do here, too.
I have no time for fussy eaters.

I really do not see a problem here. Two children who don't like pizza asked for a sandwich instead, it is not like they asked for the OP to cook a separate meal for them.

Would you have been happier if the mums hadn't mentioned anything and left you wondering why the children didn't eat any food?

There is a huge difference between a fussy eater and a child who has serious issues with food. The posters who say their children will go hungry to the point of vomiting because they are so hungry or vomit a lot when eating need to see a proffessional imo.

Lets face it most children will try it on and as others have said if my DC's friends dont want to eat my food its no skin off my nose. No way will i be cooking chicken nuggets for them because they try to tell me thats all they like, especially if I have prepared a child friendly meal for all the children. I wont cook something different for my own DC and I refuse to cook something different for anyone elses kids. "Eat it or leave it but you wont be having anything else" is my motto.

i would have thought if a child had an intolerance or allergy to certain foods then it is the parents responsibility to let the host know when the invitation to tea is made.

And to the poster who scoffed "my child does not like desserts" to a suggestion of offering a reward for tasting something different then try dangling a different carrot such as "Oooh look yummy sweetcorn, peas, roast spuds ( orwhatever) lets smell it, touch it, taste it together and then when we have tasted this lovely food we will go to the park. Not many adults will enthusiastically eat a food they have not tried before and kids are no different. They need lots of subtle encouragement and dangling carrots.

It is not cruel to introduce new foods and i don't think anyone is suggesting mealtimes should be a battle. most kids understand "If you dont want it - fine dont eat it. Dont ask me for a packet of crisps or biscuit because you aint going to get it!"

kidzrfreaky, actually I don't think using food as a reward is good psychology at all. Again, that is attaching an emotional weight to food, and is labelling certain foods as 'treat' foods, and others as 'have to eat them to get a reward'.

As far as seeing professionals go, been there, done that, all you get is 'what will they eat? Ok, feed them that then.'

There was one point where my HV wanted to refer ds1 further, but because his height wasn't stunted at all (athough he was very underweight) they never took it any further, as they use the height as a marker.

Thats your experience and opinion Lily. Your DC obviously has real issues with food and is not simply a fussy eater. My experience and opinion regarding fussy eaters - as opposed to a childs physical or psychological condition which restricts their diet - is if your hungry youll eat it. If you are too full too eat your food then you are too full to eat desert. My DC's are not fussy eaters. Am I wrong then?

if that works for you, then obviously you're not wrong. Where people are wrong is on this thread saying things like 'this is the way to cure a fussy eater'. It may be a method that worked for them, but going on to the conclusion that 'therefore any fussy eater can be 'cured' in this way, and it's the parents' fault for NOT doing this' is not helpful when as a parent this is one of many many things you have tried over extended periods of time.

But your child is not simply a fussy eater. Your child has issues that restricts his diet. In your case of course anyone will tell you to feed him whatever he will eat, because a no nonsense approach is unlikely to be effective.

This thread is about your ordinary run of the mill fussy eaters. OP has not mentioned any deep rooted psychological difficulties her guest has so we can only assume the childs reluctance to eat what the OP served was out of choice.

the point is, you wouldn't know that ds1 wasn't just a 'fussy eater' if he came to your house. He doesn't have a label across his forehead....and the thread really moved on from the OP to lambasting parents of ALL children who are fussy.

Lily - that's the point I was making about DD1.

She tells people she doesn't like ice cream - fussy child imagine the child who doesn't like ice cream, every child loves ice cream yadda yadda

She's actually lactose intolerant.

If your child was invited to tea at my house I would expect you to tell me about his difficulties with eating and suggest foods he is likely to eat tbh. If a parent does not make the host aware of difficulties then the host can only assume the child is a fussy eater and will not really care if the child does not eat the food on offer. Unless the host has been informed of difficulties, likes and dislikes beforehand then it is the parent who is being unreasonable for not providing relevant information.

So if you are invited somewhere for lunch (not Sunday lunch of such like) you are supposed to tell the host all the things your child would not eat? Or ask the host straight what he/she is going to serve? I would be horrified and so would my friends. We have the attitude of 'if you don't like something, you can always have a sandwich'. I always thought it is more about the company and fun than the food in these cases.

(food issues aside)

well clearly I would!

Problems can arise if they offer a snack, or an unexpected tea or that sort of thing. You can plan all you like, but you can't control everything.

Really, my posts are less in response to the OP than in response to the posters who post things like;

fussy eaters are a pita.
Children are only fussy about food if their parents allow them to be.
It is the easiest thing in the world to place 4 peas on a childs plate and tell him if you eat all your peas you can have ice cream for dessert. He will eat them. And before you know it peas becomes a normal part of his diet.
Children will refuse food simply because their parents will offer something else. If there is nothing else children learn to eat what they are given or be hungry.
When my dd has friends over for tea they are only invited again if they dont turn their noses up at EVERYTHING I have offered them.

etc etc.

Doesn't make great reading when you know these are the thoughts they have about your child (because as I said, it's not obvious whether a child is 'fussy' or in fact has deeper set sensory issues.

I thought even the fussiest child would eat a pizza

However, if one was happy with a cheese sandwich and the other was fine with a jam sandwich they're easy enough to rustle up so I wouldn't be too bothered.

And I love cold pizza so wouldn't mind having the leftovers either

crunchbag have you ever invited a child to tea with your DC? The most natral thing in the world for the host is to ask if there is anything the child really does not like. the parent will usually say something like, "The only thing he wont eat is beans or fish. "

So the kid comes to tea and the host makes sure she prepares something for all the children that does not contain beans or fish only to be told by child "I don't like that. I want nuggets". Well tough luck!

When you then let the mother know he has not eaten anything because I did not have his prefferred choice she will usually say, "Oh he does eat that at home but he would live on nuggets if i let him". So no aversion or difficulty with eating then. Just bloody fussy and rude!

It all depends on the age of the child. I would expect my 10 year old to eat some of anything that was put in front of him at a friend;s house, and then mutter something polite about not being hungry if he really didn't like it. Just like I would. He could then eat something when he got home. There would be blood for breakfast if I heard he had said he didn;t like it or asked for anything else.

But when he was 5, for example, I would tell any prospective host that he really really didn't like red meat or fruit . A bit too young for such a complicated social interaction.

I always ask when I've got someone new coming for tea even now.

FFS cant some people differentiate between a fussy eater and a child who is physically unable to eat because they have a phobia, intolerence, or any other food related difficulty?

If parents did not consistently offer alternatives from the weaning age, just because their little darling turned their nose up at what was put in front of them then kids wouldnt know how to be fussy! Children do not like all foods obviously and I see no problem with omitting carrots from a childs roast dinner if they didnt like carrots. BUT for a child to cock his nose up at everything on his plate is not reasonable and I would not pander to his whims. Eat it or go hungry.

I see no reason not to give children dessert either. My kids always have dessert - if they have eaten enough of their dinner to warrant a dessert. Attaching emotional weight to food indeed! My children have no emotional problems with eating - even if they are rewarded with dessert thank you very much!

I dont do fussy eaters sorry! And if someone gave me a long list of items their children won't eat I would retract my invitation.

kidzfreaky I was talking about an easy lunch not tea or dinner parties. When DC have friends over for tea I do ask their parents if there is anything they don't like, the same as I would do with adults invited for dinner. And if they still say they don't like what I have cooked, fine I offer a sandwich. No big deal, it's 1 meal in the week. They are coming to play not to eat.

LilyBolero I agree with your post. My DC are easy going regarding food but why would I judge other children's eating habits? If they do not want to eat in my house, fine. As long as they are having a good time, i don't see a problem.

dorie, the point is, if my child came to your house, you would have him down as a 'fussy eater' and me down as a pandering parent.

As far as dessert goes, I don't have a problem giving it (although for ds1 he doesn't really like desserts). I don't think labelling food as 'reward' food is good though - in the sense of 'eat your peas and you can have some ice cream' as I think it is better for food to be food, not rewards.

Like I said before, a child with deeper-rooted food issues doesn't have this branded on their forehead. And to some intolerant parents, they will simply see difficulties as 'fussiness' caused by parents.

OP here - I can't believe my minor gripe has run to 11 pages... The DC in question does not have major food issues and I have known him and his mum since he and my DS were babies so would have been aware if it was a big problem. If my DC have friends over, I always ask if there is anything they don't eat and try to cater accordingly. I didn't in this case because we have been meeting up for so long it would have been weird to start asking about dietary preferences. In the past I have usually done party tea style spreads for the DC or fish finger/chips style combos and he has been fine with that. I described him as a fussy eater because there was a list of things offered before we got to jam sandwiches.

My point was really, given that I got it wrong, i made pizza and this child didn't like pizza, I would expect a DC aged 9 to try to take a little of some of the things on the table and eat a token something. This is what I would expect my DC (and my DD is a fussy eater so I have been in this scenario) to do and I would not request anything separate to be made on their behalf (even a jam sandwich). It was just a very minor AIBU on a small point of manners really...

I hear you, OP.

I vainly tried to support you in that it IS about manners, but was mowed down by the charge of the professionally offended citing food intolerances, phobias and the like.