to be slightly irritated at my friend's fussy eating DS?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

I had two friends for lunch yesterday, they have three DS between them and I also have two DC. I was trying to think of something easy to make to eat that most people would like so got in various pizzas, and all the usual trimmings, garlic bread, salad, coleslaw etc. As I'm putting it in the oven, friend A says her DS (age 9) doesn't like pizza but does like garlic bread, could he have a sandwich. No prob, I say and make him a cheese sandwich. Then friend B says her DS (also 9) doesn't like pizza or garlic bread or cheese sandwiches. Ok I say, eventually he agrees to eat a jam sandwich. Then I have to put up with my own DC who usually like pizza, etc asking why can't they just have jam sandwiches and then pudding.

My own DD is a fussy eater but in this scenario I would ask for her to have a small portion and tell her to make a token effort. I was a bit irritated by my friends pandering to her strapping nine year old DS (hope I didn't show it!). AIBU?

'OK then, so we must polish our halos, and act as martyrs to the whims of all children, and feed them what they demand, just in case they happen to have a food phobia?'

Where has it been suggested that anyone do this?

And what theory might that be? That children are fussy eaters because their parents have kow towed to their every whim since the weaning stage? Think about it. If parents do not provide an alternative to what they were originally given then children wouldnt look for an alternative would they?

Sorry but I fail to see why your children have never had a chicken nugget is relevant??

Did you not read any of my posts dorie? I have already said several times that my dd has never been given an alternitive to eat - she goes without if she doesn't eat what is in front of her. So how exactly does your theory fit in there because my dd is still fussy.

The chicken nugget reference was from further down the thread when you said it is easier to give a child chicken nuggets instead.

Wrong place probably but can I do a little victory dance. Tonight we had turkey breast, roast potatoes, broccoli and peas.

DS aged 5 ate a bit of everything. It has taken me months of putting this in front of him to get to this stage and yes we probably could have done more when younger, but I'm not going to trot out my excuses.

I think it would be a little easier to broaden the tastes of foster children. Firstly they may well never have seen new foods, so rather than having an intrinsic dislike of anything knew may be curious, secondly the children are much less likely to call their bluff, due to their background they cannot be at all sure that if they don't eat they won't be left without food. That is not to undermine anything done by foster carers as they do an amazing job.

Some children are fussy some are not. A distant relative in the US has twins, one will eat anything, the other will only eat hot dogs in a bun. Clearly they have both had the same initial diet so there must be some evidence of nature rather than all nuture.

I would admit to being quietly pleased if fussier children than DS came for dinner, makes me feel less of a failure.

Dorie, what's being discussed here is whether it's reasonable to call fussy eaters pains in the arses. Really, whether someone is a fussy eater because they had oral feeding issues as infants, emotional issues due to familial dysfunction or because their parents "pander" to them is irrelevant. You don't know by looking at someone. At that point, my family was "high functioning" on the outside (not so now, sadly ). No one who had me for tea would have had any idea what was going on in my life. I don't much care if they secretly seethed or even if they mythered about it to their friends as we do online but making kids who have food issues feel crap about it and forcing them to eat or to starve for the sake of ensuring your views on "manners" remain unimpeached for an afternoon is not, in my opinion, reasonable. I wouldn't ask anyone to go out of their way to feed someone by cooking a separate meal, but most fussy eaters have strikingly similar tastes - plain bread, cereal, plain pasta etc - that aren't that hard to cater for. It's certainly not reasonable to make a guest feel like crap when they are potentially already ashamed of their eating habits. It's perfectly possible to be friendly and polite, even if you are not going to offer an altenative. Being fussy IS a PITA if you are genuinely fussy: it's a horrible, horrible experience that makes you avoid social situations and provokes anxiety on occasions other people look forward to.

I'm really grateful to the parents whose houses I visited who did this for me.

I'm not saying the kid in the OP is like that, necessarily, but I don't agree with people who sneer at fussiness without any experience of it. You wouldn't bark at an anorexic to just "eat up" and it's the same thing: no need to be dismissive of it even if you choose not to offer an alteranative.

Brilliant post, W9W5. I'm very sorry for what you went through as a child(and can sympathise on a more visceral level as I experienced something similar)

FFS a person suffering from anorexia is hardly the same as a fussy eater! And I stand by what I say, fussy eaters are a PITA. Fussy eaters - as I have stated before - are not the same as people suffering eating phobias or disorders. I am well aware of the usual eating practices of my DC's friends. They are around here often enough. Also they eat the same school dinners as all the other children in their school. They are not given special preferences in school and they are not given special treatment in my home. If their parents want to indulge them then they can take the consequences.

But dorie, AGAIN, i am an example that fussy eating isn't always down to a parent pandering the child. I have told you (and been convieniently egnored again) that my dd isn't offered an alternitative so it proves your theory is not always the case.

My dd became a fussy eater at 18 months which i think is pretty normal. It is mostly something most children grow out of, but only if you go the right way about it.

NEVER offer something else or give in to demands for pasta/chips etc. You will just be setting yourself up to be controlled by your dc over eating habits.

ALWAYS egnore tantrums, keep calm and leave the food on the side in case the child decides they want it later. The worse thing you can do is get angry as this will be an indication to the child that they can get a rise out of you and it becomes a game for them.

It doesn't happen over night, as some appear to be saying it does. It can be a long, drawn out process but the key is to persivere.

My dd wouldn't eat any vegetables when she was 2. I stuck with it though and never gave her anything else if she refused her meal. She is now 4 and will eat most (not all) vegetables and lots of fruit. Never give up or give in and you will be fine.

NappyGallor it sounds to me like you are doing everything right, just stick with it. I firmly believe your dd will come out the other end, just don't give in and don't start giving her other food instead P.S I think you may be being egnored because some people don't want to be proved wrong

Leonie your children have autism. Therefore they are not fussy eaters per se. The OP is not about children with autism or any other SN.

Nappy. As I have already stated you are the parent. You deal with it. You are determined not to take advice from anybody on this thread. Your child. Your problem. Deal with it.

I have nowhere mentioned that my theory is foolproof. But it has worked well with my children. I dont have fussy eaters. You obviously do. Thats your problem. I don't particularly care what your DC eats or not. He will be considered a PITA if he goes to friends house for tea. Get over it.

dorie, wtf is the point of that passive aggressive 'well done'.

It is very very difficult to get a balanced diet into ds1. It is very very difficult to avoid attaching emotions to food (his or mine). I achieve this, through hard work, imagination and a thick skin.

However, if he went to tea at a friend's, the chances are he would be labelled fussy, because although the diet is balanced it is highly limited. There is a difference between unbalanced, and unvaried.

My point stands.

Wow dorie you really haven't read any of my posts have you. My dd is fussy, my ds will eat anything. What advice have i been egnoring then exactly? Please do tell me.

Thanks MrsS. My dd is better then she used to be, purhaps she will come out the other end. You are right, some people don't like to be proved wrong do they

'He will be considered a PITA if he goes to friends house for tea. Get over it'.

Nice.

I think good manners were discussed earlier. You must have missed that bit.

Oh forgoodness sake Dorie, just because your no theory has worked for you it doesn't mean it will work for everyone. Some people are blessed with easy children over certain things and some are not. Some are blessed with great sleepers and some have terrible sleepers. It is a shame that those who were blessed with the easy one feel so superior over everyone else. You were blessed with easy children when it comes to eating - accept this and stop making out like you are a better parent then others.

Nappy hasn't egnored any advice, if anything she is doing everything right and doing what everyone is suggesting by egnoring the tantrum and not offering other foods. I think all Nappy was trying to say to you Dorie is she is doing all of what you did but it hasn't worked for her and yet you are still under the belief that your way is the only way to stop a fussy eater.

LOL!! Just to recap - OP started a thread about a fussy eater being a PITA. Since then we have had the SN brigade, children suffering physical and emotional eating disorders, children with autism, people with anorexia, children from disfunctional families, parents who dont know how to say no and someone who thinks desserts cause emotional harm. And all because there are parents who have raised their children to eat what is given them. Of course it is the parents who do not have fussy eaters who must be blamed for the children who are showing signs of being fussy. Because it couldnt possibly be anything to do with the parents who are raising them can it??

Jeez!

If my ds went to tea he would be a PITA because he would eat all his tea and finish everyone elses AND want more! He is skinny as a rake and a bottemless pit

I was blessed with brilliant sleepers! This must give me a few parent brownie points!

mrsSparkle.

Each of my children threw tantrums and tried it on no end. They soon learnt it wasnt worth it because if they didnt eat the same as the rest of us they went hungry. i cant be arsed with kids wanting their own way. no way was I ever going to put myself in the position of making something different for one child. Very soon I would have been catering for the whims of all my kids. Not on!

If one parent cannot say no then they themselves will have to suffer the consequences. They cannot blame anyone else.

"And all because there are parents who have raised their children to eat what is given them". Yes. People tend to come up with these Wild Stories To Annoy the Good Parents, don't they? LOL. PMSL. ROFL etc. Those social skills that the Good Parents are in possession of really are shining through on this thread, aren't they?

The SN brigade. What a disgusting phrase. I suppose it's okay because you put a "LOL" in front of it?

I can't help heaving a silent sigh of exasperation when a perfectly healthy, normal, non-sn child won't eat stuff I have spent time, energy and money on making.

Silently thinking that a child is a PITA for being a fussy eater isn't unreasonable. We all have feelings and opinions. Openly expressing dislike towards a child for being a fussy eater and therefore a PITA would be unreasonable.

I don't think any of us with fussy children blamed other parents ?

And the 'SN brigade' ? What's that all about then?