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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be slightly irritated at my friend's fussy eating DS?

376 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 28/03/2011 12:56

I had two friends for lunch yesterday, they have three DS between them and I also have two DC. I was trying to think of something easy to make to eat that most people would like so got in various pizzas, and all the usual trimmings, garlic bread, salad, coleslaw etc. As I'm putting it in the oven, friend A says her DS (age 9) doesn't like pizza but does like garlic bread, could he have a sandwich. No prob, I say and make him a cheese sandwich. Then friend B says her DS (also 9) doesn't like pizza or garlic bread or cheese sandwiches. Ok I say, eventually he agrees to eat a jam sandwich. Then I have to put up with my own DC who usually like pizza, etc asking why can't they just have jam sandwiches and then pudding.

My own DD is a fussy eater but in this scenario I would ask for her to have a small portion and tell her to make a token effort. I was a bit irritated by my friends pandering to her strapping nine year old DS (hope I didn't show it!). AIBU?

OP posts:
LilyBolero · 29/03/2011 21:12

kidz - parents of non-fussy children are not being blamed for other children being fussy. (incidentally I am a parent of both fussy and non-fussy). However some posters on this thread, who happen to be parents of non-fussy children are being blamed for;
lack of sympathy, empathy and understanding of children with real difficulties, preferring to call them 'irritating' and a 'PITA'
and
a total lack of understanding that what works for some children just doesn't for others, and it is totally patronising to assume that a child is fussy because their parent 'hasn't thought of that method'
and
blaming parents for eating difficulties, when in some cases you might as well blame the parents for them being born with brown hair

MrsSparkle · 29/03/2011 21:15

kidzrfreaky i did write a post that agrees with you further down.Smile

Some children are easier then others though and i was just pointing this out. The no nonsense theory can work wonders very quickly for some parents, mainly because their children are easier in this area. Some children are far more strong willed and can take 2 or 3 years for this theory to take effect.

I pointed out to Nappy that she is doing the right thing but it just sounds like her dd is very strong willed and is taking alot longer then other children. I believe she will get there but she needs to keep persivering with it.

dorie · 29/03/2011 21:20

Mrs Sparkle et al. I humbly apologise that my children will eat whatever I put in front of them. Grovel, grovel, grovel

It must be sooo hard to raise a child who causes such distress to their parents. My heart bleeds. It really does. You poor, poor parents whose children will be, silently or overtly be labelled a PITA.

What on earth are my kids thinking about. Heaven forbid they ate their tea and were emotionally disturbed by their dessert this evening. Whatever will I do with them? They cause me such grief. I will have to teach them to be fussy eaters so I can come on this thread and join the parents who blame others for their childrens problems.

MrsSparkle · 29/03/2011 21:23

Dorie you were blessed with easy children - others weren't. It does not make you a better parent. Deal with itWink

ArthurPewty · 29/03/2011 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MegBusset · 29/03/2011 21:25

Some people are being a PITA on this thread, I blame the parents Wink

kidzrfreaky · 29/03/2011 21:25

Dorie. Cry on my shoulder hun. We are in the same position. It is soul destroying having children who sit at the table and eat isnt it? My lot must be emotionally damaged too because they have desserts most days. I must be such a bad mother. sob sob.

Anyway Im off out now. babysitter is here and my kids are all asleep. Oops should I have mentioned that? Shock

LilyBolero · 29/03/2011 21:26

dorie you clearly haven't got a clue. At all.

emmy12 · 29/03/2011 21:26

Haven't read whole thread but ... Maybe it's taken her years to get him to eat a jam sandwich - you just don't know.

I am happy to accommodate guests as best I can. A lot of dcs don't like mixed food - like sauces - and so pizza.

I spent many hours making lovely dinners for my dd - who just didn't seem to feel any hunger - quite happy to go without food. All very well to say "well I'm not pandering to that" until they don't gain weight and start losing it.

It's extremely distressing coping with feeding a dc that isn't bothered about eating - refuses a lot of textures and types of foods. It's nothing to do with "not pandering". It's a very real problem.

Would say to op, be a little bit more understanding, or ask beforehand. Families have different eating habits - just cos yours like pizza, doesn't mean all others do. Probably asked for jam sandwich because, not liking pizza, that maybe they thought would be something that caused no extra work for you.

NappyGallor · 29/03/2011 21:26

Who has blamed everyone else for their childrens problems? Oh wait, difficult questions get egnored...

Pmsl at SparkleGrin I have one easy child - do i get half a point?Grin

LilyBolero · 29/03/2011 21:28

and ffs, on the dessert front, there's nothing wrong with having a dessert. I prefer not to use desserts as rewards, because I prefer food not to have a 'positive' or 'negative' attitude attached. I'm not alone in this, plenty of publications along these lines. I'm not imposing this on anyone, just telling what we do.

dorie · 29/03/2011 21:31

Lily. I know sad git aren't I? It must be all those darned desserts I have eaten through the years Wink

Dorie. See you on a councelling thread. Have a good night. I'm off to netmums. Irritating but more sensible people over there. See ya.

TheNumberTaker · 29/03/2011 21:34

Dorie, you come across as pretty unpleasant and childish; and if that is the level of discourse that goes on in your home, then I actually do feel a bit sorry for your children.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 29/03/2011 21:41

dd maybe fussy but she's grown up to be well-mannered, tolerant and understanding. Qualities that are sadly lacking in some posters.

NappyGallor · 29/03/2011 21:44

My dd is only 4 and is alot better then she was. Thank you MrsSparkle for giving me a abit of encouragment to carry on with my approachSmile Hopefully she will completly grow out of it completly. If she gets to 9 though and is still fussy, i may start to worrySmile

hissymissy · 29/03/2011 21:45

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable to be a little bit annoyed, finding other people's DCs irritating is a normal reaction. It is no reflection on the parents, it is simply because you don't have the loving bond. As long as you didn't make the child feel unwelcome it's ok.

You shouldn't feel like you have to desperately find something, anything for them to eat. They won't starve for not eating for a couple of hours.

I think some parents on this thread are a little precious about the idea that perhaps, someone will be secretly thinking their little darling is a PITA. "What, my little darling? A PITA? How very dare they!!!"

bumpsoon · 29/03/2011 21:46

My son was an incredibly fussy eater ,so if he got invited to friends for tea ,i would say , dont worry about feeding him ,i will feed him when he gets back . I found this took the pressure off people to try and cater to my pita child ( who i love dearly ) and also took the pressure off my son to eat whatever they were cooking .

NappyGallor · 29/03/2011 21:52

I don't think anyone wants their kids to be thought of as a PITA tbh. I was happy a couple of weeks ago when i had a chat with my dds pre-school key worker and she said that her and the other staff said my dd was one child they were really going to miss when she goes off to school in September because is ALWAYS happy, funny and smiley and makes them laughSmile

I of course said they couldn't possibly be talking about my dd who can be a pain in the bum and i was felt really good when i came out of there thinking that maybe i had actually done something right along the way.

CheerfulYank · 29/03/2011 21:52

It will become clear very early whether it is a physical/mental issue or just pandering, believe me! :)

I mentioned the little boy at school who vomits if he has to eat anything other than meat or cheese. He will eat chicken nuggets, he will pick the meat and cheese out of a deli sandwich, he will eat shredded cheese, and I have occasionally seen him eat raw apples. I have seen him twice vomit all over the table when forced to eat anything else. This is obviously an issue.

My niece and nephew, on the other hand, are IMO just pandered to. At a family meal at my ILs, there are roasts, breads, fruit, different salads, cheeses with crackers, nuts, pastas, etc. They would eat the fruit, cheese, crackers, bread, and a few other things, but they tantrum if my SIL does not bring a bag with chicken nuggets, yogurt tubes, and oreos.

There is a vast difference between these scenarios! Lily, you sound like you're doing a fabulous job dealing with your son's issues. Does he have textile issues as well, I mean is he very sensitive to things like his clothes being itchy, or anything like that?

LilyBolero · 29/03/2011 21:52

hissy, I often think ds1 is a total PITA, but not because of something he has no control over.

LilyBolero · 29/03/2011 21:54

CheerfulYank - he is sensitive to heat/cold, and to smells (which is obviously strongly related to taste). He's not really hypersensitive in anything else. Thank you for what you said! :)

Happylander · 29/03/2011 21:54

Just to lighten the mood...........I can't eat cheese gives me the shits within 20 mins of eating anything with cheese in. First time I met my DH's family, despite DH pre-warning them that I don't eat cheese but said I eat pretty much everything else, they got pizza's in. His mum actually said 'DH told us you don't eat cheese so we got pizza's in' LOL. I just looked at DH and had to say sorry but they have cheese on. Next day round his Grandparents. Grandmother says 'oh we know you don't eat cheese so I've made a lasagne'. I had to say sorry I can't eat that it's got cheese on. Then we went out that night to a Pizza place and I chose rissotto and asked if it had cheese in and was told no....yep you've guessed it it had cheese mixed in it unknown to me and then I spent an hour going to the loo. It made me look like a fussy eater when in fact I'll eat everything as long as it doesn't have sodding cheese on it.
Not sure why his family were so blinkered to foods containing cheese though?!?!?!
Oh and I am not very patient with fussy eaters and in my house my DS have to eat what's put in front of him. I can not be arsed to cook different meals and certainly can't afford it. He will be taught to try/eat whatever someone has been kind enough to cook for him unless it makes him ill.

LilyBolero · 29/03/2011 21:57

Just to add, I think we are turning a corner with ds1 - he ate 3 green beans today!!! He did gag a bit but managed to swallow them. That's a first :)

CheerfulYank · 29/03/2011 22:07

That's definitely progress! :)

Happylander I know what you mean; I have celiac disease (can't remember how you spell it in the UK :) ) and am always questioning waitstaff about the possibility of gluten in my food. They love me... I always feel so precious, but it's not worth being violently ill and getting gaping sores in my mouth, thanks all the same! Hmm

MrsSparkle · 29/03/2011 22:07

Oh well Nappy, if your dd is only 4 and has improved then i have no doubt she will grow out of it.

The saddest thing i find on this thread is the fact that posters have come on and said their dc are not fussy because they are pandered to yet other posters don't appear to believe this?

I wouldn't have any syperthy for someone who couldn't bothered to to tackle their children and gave them what they wanted all the time - they are the ones who the likes of Dorie and Key should be aiming their posts at - not the ones who aren't pandering their children and are trying to tackle the problem but weren't blessed with children as easy as theirs. Some people just like to be smug though and no matter what you say to them they will always think they are better because they haven't had to try and deal with a strong willed child.

My dd is a good eater now but it took a good 2 years of persiverance to get there. I never gave in or gave up, it just took longer with my ddSmile

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